I So Needed To Read This, (A Letter From A Friend)

Dear Victor,

I understand that times are really hard for you. MeTo, Wonderful, Eddy, new prospects, finances, school, work, friends and trying to make it all work so that you may have a harmony that will not drive you into the nut house.

Your blog is full of wonderful advice and honesty it is evident that it come from your heart. I watch you now and see how hard you are struggling to be a good honest loving person. Every day you awake and think of G-d and wonder how he would like you to go about your day, you say that prayer asking him to bless, guide, protect and favor you. All of your friends come to love you more and more each day and you wonder why.

You have so much going for you and you are at the point in your life where you can see why you deserve the good in your life. Do not lose focus, it is time you realize that the bad of your past is in your past, if you continue to strive to be the person you are, ever evolving, ever loving,  and ever nurturing of those who you come in contact with, then you need not ever accept, heartache and ill will from anyone.

All of your life you were told over and over that you have so much love to give and that you should not just give it away easily. The love you have is strong and pure and once the flow begins it never stops. If the people who are in your life do not want to accept the love you continually try to give them then it is time you walk away and allow the flow to slow.

I look at you and I know you better than anyone, you have lost so much weight, you are not eating and you have not been yourself for over two weeks. You are allowing the men who should be trying t protect your heart to stomp on it. For your sake and your health you need to do better.

I wanted nothing more than to see you and MeTo get back together and you heard the excitement in everyone’s voice who heard that the two of you were going to give it another go. I know that sometimes we do not get the happy ending that we would like and it pains me to see that so many of us thought you had found the one, only to get hurt via text message.

I know how you feel about MeTo and do not blame you for being so deeply hurt. I see your face when people tell you it will work out and you two are meant to be. The confusion and hurt in your face is indescribable.

I know the situation with wonderful is not making anything easier but thank G-d that ended early before you got more than just a heartbreak.  Jealous guys are dangerous and he certainly is the possessive jealous type.

You have plenty of prospects and you are going about dating the right way this time, the old you of 21 has returned and everyone in your life looks at you and admires you. You are unique. The only men who pay you attention are men of substance not the ones who only want you for your looks. When you smile the room lights up and all those around you smile with you and for you.

I cannot tell you what the future holds but I know you have dreams and I am watching with amazement as you are doing everything to make them happen. From converting to Judaism, dating, school, working on your cookbook, blogging and demanding excellence in each post. I am honestly proud of you and I know without a doubt you need to hear it more.

I was always the friend who wanted to protect you and keep you from getting hurt, and now I just want to be more like you. I want to celebrate your successes and be there when you need a shoulder. You are now 27 and you look amazing, you sound amazing and you have an amazing personality. Do not let people from your past make you pause for a moment, continue forward and enjoy the ride like only you can do. I am here for you and I love you. Do you and change only how you see fit because you get more amazing with each tweet and change you do to yourself.  

Love Always

(Your Best Friend

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Dealing With Others . . . and You!

The best way to deal with any situation is to evaluate your own role in how things have turned out. I typically do this all the time. Sometimes before things get bad and many times after the preverbal shit has hit the fan. When I find myself experiencing emotions that involve the actions of another I get to a point where I can ask myself, “What did I do wrong?”

You always have a role in how things turn out. You must remember that pointing out how others have wronged you does nothing for the situation except exacerbate it. If you go to someone who has hurt you and you apologize that things have gone south and what part you took in it, you will feel a lot better. If the person responds in kind you have a relationship worth salvaging weather if it is becoming friends after a break up or giving an old friendship a second chance.

I have done a lot of thinking and have seen so many things that I have done wrong in the past that has affected my immediate future. I am happy to say that I have apologized to all involved parties. Now there is only one thing left to do. I must sit and contemplate what I allowed to influence my actions and take note not to allow it to happen again. I am well aware that I am not perfect and in so I must be diligent at keeping me in check and thinking hard before I take action.

I am hoping the sharing of my own self evaluations will aid others in not repeating the mistakes I have and or shed light into their past so that they can see, “It took more than one to, ‘fuck’ it up.”

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Loving Me

I would say, and know many people that would agree, that when given the chance it is easy to fall in love with me, but to stay in a relationship with me once you fall in love is far from easy. I am moody, stubborn, and I don’t express my emotions until it is too late. Typically everything comes pouring out once I do something stupid and convince myself I have nothing to lose.

I think that is why I am so focused on finding a man who can honestly handle me. Yeah I like to get rough in the bed but my heart is a constant battle ground. One day I can be the most trusting person in the world and the next the opposite. I can wake some days happy to be alive and others pissed that I was not in the bed alone. I am well aware of the difficulty that is me and ergo I like to spoil my special someone. It used to be control and now it is just gratitude.

I value a man who can see through my defenses, the one who will look at me yelling and wait to ask what is really bothering me, or brave enough to tell me to calm the hell down. It is a huge turn on when I say something and he does what he can to indicate he herd me.

I am a man as well and I enjoy having my ego stroked, having someone to listen to me and I love being pampered. And so I like to beat my man to the punch, pamper him, spoil him, and stroke his ego, a man who sees the value in all I do and I willing to respond in kind. I want a guy who knows that I will bend over backwards to keep him happy because he tries to make me, someone who is not easily pleased, happy.  

I once had a guy who took joy in the fact that he got me and then one day it stopped. So I guess now I am on the market and trying to find love again.

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Breakups 

They say the best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new, But having done the major break up thing more than once I have noticed that the best way to work through it is to remember the five stages of grief. To be cut off from someone really does feel like you are experiencing a death. Your heart aches and you will notice that you go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Acceptance.

I was really trying to deal with my emotions when I realized that in my grieving there were other things I over looked and by serendipity I found that there are 7 stages for a breakup and they include the five stages of grieving pulse shock and isolation. I was at the acceptance point. Initially I was shocked, in my blog post I made it clear I could not believe it was with a text message. The next few steps did not come in order, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression. I was cycling through them all. I would feel angry then sad, and then back into denial. Several unanswered text and blog post later every part of me was trying to accept it. It feels more like a death because someone I love has completely cut me out and turned their back on me. There is no communication I am dealing with it on my own.

The major point in all of this is to stay aware of what to expect when dealing with the most emotional things in your life. When dealing with people loss is the hardest. Understanding your emotions and knowing what to expect from your heart sometimes make it a bit easier. It will not speed things up but it gives you an emotional goal and for me it helps. 

This Song Sums Up How The MeTo Situation Feels

Little Mix - "Case Closed"

Hits when I'm asleep right through

I'm cold when I wake cause I won't feel you

When I can't breathe I know it's you

Got a lump in my throat just thinking of you

Makes no difference you've been tried

(Makes no difference you've been tried)

Still sick inside, oh oh

It's meant to be over now

But I think we're going down (we're going down)

Got your fingerprints as evidence all on my body

Put your right hand on the book and you were found guilty

I can't wait forever but that's how it's gonna be

For me they'll never be

Case closed

No matter what the verdict say

Case closed

Too many questions in my head

Case closed

And I'm still waiting for a while

Why there can never be

Case closed

Behind these walls, so tall

I don't wanna climb, I'm afraid to fall

So we both do time and never have closure cause I still wanna hold ya

Makes no difference you've been tried

(Makes no difference you've been tried)

Still sick inside, oh oh

It's meant to be over now

But I think we're going down (we're going down)

Got your fingerprints as evidence all on my body

Put your right hand on the book and you were found guilty

I can't wait forever but that's how it's gonna be

For me they'll never be

Case closed

No matter what the verdict say

Case closed

Too many questions in my head

Case closed

And I'm still waiting for a while

Why there can never be

They can never, never be a

Never be a

Never, never be a

Case closed

They can never, never be a

Never, be a

Never, never be a

Case closed

Got your fingerprints as evidence all on my body

Put your right hand on the book and you were found guilty

I can't wait forever but that's how it's gonna be

For me they'll never be

Case closed

No matter what the verdict say

Case closed

Too many questions in my head

Case closed

And I'm still waiting for a while

Why there can never be

Case closed

4-1-1986 My Birthday

Being as it is my Birthday I think I\it would be a bit narcissistic to wish myself a Happy Birthday. In so I would like to wish all of you a Very Happy Un-Birthday.  

A New Year Officially Starts NOW!

Sex, Money, Style, Fashion, Friends, True Love, a great body, and most importantly the satisfaction in having it all, Gay men everywhere all want the same thing.

Life is ever evolving no matter who you are. The things and people in it that matter to you can change in an instant from Jazz, Jaiye and a life in Manhattan to Icon, Qhoiyn and a Gayborhood socialite. From Philly, to New York, to New Jersey and back I have been in the search of one thing, true love.

It was my hope to be like Carrie Bradshaw and write about my life and all the craziness that took place, to find my mister big and have a happy ending but several charter comparisons and self-adjustments later I have realized that I cannot be compared to anyone else. So I created my own persona.

My name is Vixc-B 27 years old and I am a blogger, a cookbook writer, a chef and a hopeless romantic. I am amazed at how I look back to see that there have been many amazing chapters in my life and while the largest and most emotional has recently closed I am looking forward to what is coming next.

Some will tell you that you cannot have it all, but look around you. In the Gayborhood on television, in newspapers there are people who are living it up in the now. Sure it may not seem that they have it all but are they happy and allowing themselves to live life? Of course they are, they get the most important thing, they know, “That life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.” To awake each morning and toast to life is having it all. And the day when love comes and you get that great job and you see that you had fun along the way you will agree as well that having it all is possible.

I have made and lost friends. I have had great lovers and mean lovers. My style has evolved. I have accepted my body type and take more pride in showing it off. I have had awesome jobs and sucky jobs. The thing that gets me through all the bad times is the joy that I get having lived when I could. Tomorrow is not promised although it may feel like it. Never say or do tomorrow what could be done today, tomorrow has its own problems and you can only deal with what is in front of you now.

So I am making a proclamation and promise for myself before all my readers, fans, friends and family. I will not allow the things that I want from life to alter who I am, I will no longer be willing to adjust me to make me fit into the box of what I or others hold up as the gay fantasy, or in hopes that it will make my dreams easier to obtain. I will take pride in who I am and the person I am on the road to becoming. I will achieve my goals for this year and live each day trying to make myself and G-d proud.  

In Short I will just be happy and Me!

Happy Easter

Wishing all of My Christian Readers a Joyous Resurrection Day!!!

-

Today is Good Friday

Focusing on the most bitter sweet day for Christians. 

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Women Vs. Men

While my mother and I do not discuss me being gay we do talk about men versus women and the one thing we agree on hands down is that the more complicated of the two sexes is the men.

To truly understand a woman all you have to do is listen and remember her rhythm. Many men find this complicated and refuse to try and remember the pattern. They rather live day to day and complain that their wife or girlfriend is complicated.

Men on the other hand have no pattern. For a man the goal is to get what he wants so he employs different tactics such as manipulation and bargaining. While they are creatures of habit they do allow exceptions but these exceptions change from day to day. Men require new things to be thrown into the mix because while being creatures of habit, they get bored easily. They require constant attention and ego stroking.

Anyone who has dated a man or married one knows trying to keep him happy is difficult but the right one makes it rewarding just like a woman. 

חג פסח שמח

"Long ago, at this season, on such a night as this, a people - our people - set out on a journey.
All but crushed by their enslavement, they yet recalled the far-off memory of a happier past.
And heard the voice of their ancestral God, bidding them summon up the courage to be free.
Boldly, they went forth from Egypt, crossed the Sea, and headed through the desert for the Promised Land.
What they experienced, they remembered, and told their children, and they to theirs.
From generation to generation, the story was retold, and we are here to tell it yet again.
We too give thanks for Israel's liberation; we too remember what it means to be a slave.
And so we pray for all who are still fettered, still denied their human rights. Let all God's children sit at his table, drink the wine of deliverance, and eat the bread of freedom:
Freedom from bondage
And freedom from oppression,

Freedom from hunger
And freedom from want,

Freedom from hatred
And freedom from fear,

Freedom to think
And freedom to speak,

Freedom to learn
And freedom to love,

Freedom to hope
And freedom to rejoice;

Soon in our days,

My Real Feelings

I have learned a huge lesson recently. My impulsive nature in more cases than not, damages my future. Many times things happen and I react on pure emotion, not giving myself time to calm down and think. I did something truly embarrassing recently. I forgot who I was and tried to hurt someone, whom I love deeply, publicly simply because they hurt me. Consumed with anger I posted what was sent to me in a picture on Facebook.  My emotions like many times in my recent past, got the best of me.

I used to pride myself on being clear headed and allowing myself to get hurt and being able to see when it was coming. My heart was on my sleeve and my friends all loved and admired how I was willing to put myself out there in order to find love.  My heart has gone from being on my sleeve and taking abuse to back in the cage of my chest. I no longer can see when the hurt coming and I react in ways that are not healthy. I allow my heart to take control in times of coercion and the results always leave me apologizing.  When I go back and read old blog post I am surprised at the person I was and who I have become. I have changed so much that I recognize neither person. Is that why MeTo just bailed on me?

The time in my life when I should have been focusing not only on progressing and growing, I should have also been focusing on recapturing my innocence and humility. That is the thing about self-esteem it can swing quickly in the wrong direction. I went from having next to none to having too much. I want to go back to being the hopeless romantic I once was, fighting for love and hoping that everyone in my life obtains a happily ever after.

I know in my blog I talk about some things that make many people uncomfortable. I talk about sex, sexual partners, my friends, my boy friends, my family, school, my religious views, my exes, my heartaches, and my hops for the future. In the beginning I would sometimes exaggerate things slightly and try to give emphasis to certain emotions. Then I started noticing that many of my friends would question my post, so I stopped and wrote straight from the heart. The funny thing about writing from the heart is that while it may seem like a good idea at the time, a post that you work long and hard on while under duress can later bit you in the ass.

My blog has always served a major purpose, if I cannot write about it, than I cannot do. The time came when I did things that required censoring. I had to wait until I came clean with others before I could post about them. That should have been clue one that I was getting out of control.

In hopes to be a big deal in the Philadelphia gay scene I began using Facebook the same way everyone else did. I used it to post whatever I was thinking and feeling, in hopes that someone would pay me attention. Wait a minute, why did I want attention? If I love me for me why did I need the validation of others? My status updates began getting too much attention. My aunt on more than one occasion chastised me for my updates, friends called to ask what was going on. Soon the people that mattered stopped paying attention and only responded when I went too far.

I recently went back to edit old blog post that had poor grammar and other mistakes. Probably not such a good idea to do post edits when you are trying to get over someone who has broken your heart and a good chunk of your blog is about a time when your lives were intertwined. But none the less I did it anyways.

I read about times when I was angry with my ex and times when I was happy and for the most part when I was happy I allowed him to blind me. When my ex gave me attention he became my world all I could see. So many posts even when I was clearly being selfish were about how I wanted a dream life with him and how we tried to compromise on what we both wanted. After reading certain post it was clear that what I wanted lined up with what he wanted and I had no idea how this happened.

I sit here now and wonder what I did wrong, how did things get this way? How did two people who loved each other so deeply become bitter, angry and hurtful?  How can the person who I once trusted with my life and showed love to so deeply suddenly  shut me out when times get bad, will give me the silent treatment, and will disregard my feelings because of how he feels? Did he ever really love me? Did I waste my time? Was I just the backup, the person he called when being single became too much?  Or did I change too much and he did not want to bother telling me?

Despite my short comings I have a right to answers, I gave them to him. When I called things off, I had a heart about it. I told him why and answered his calls. I did all I could to make things easier. How could he turn around and just drop me like this? I am hurting and he is acting like I don’t mean anything to him.

Left with no other option I turned to friends who know the situation well. Who were there when we celebrated our engagement, all of which came to parties and was hoping that the two of us would get over ourselves and make things work.

I was told to pour my heart into an email and I did. I sent him the email, both to his inbox and as a private message on Facebook. Another ex of his told me of how he was cut out and given the silent treatment and that time allowed them to become best friends. Another mutual friend just shook his head and wished me the best. I don’t want to hurt MeTo although at times my mind races with nasty hurtful things I could do to him. I do not want to curse him or watch from the side line as karma does it worst. All I want is a meaningful ending, for the two of us to talk and say well, I am happy for you and wish you the best. I think the fact we lived together and experienced so much together makes such a request valid.

The past week I have watched myself lose weight and cry and do things that I regret. I have been self-destructive and asked myself, “How did I get here.” Why did I permit myself to allow someone to matter so much? How can I really move on if this is how my longest relationship ended? If I made the mistake of giving my heart to someone who would turn around and hurt me in such a cold manner, what is to prevent me from doing it again?

I know I did some pretty bad things. I cheated but the why has to count for something.  The truth of it all is this is not the first time MeTo has hurt me deeply. Being ignored and held at arm’s length when I was finally giving my all trying to prove I was better, had some part in causing me to regress.  Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn hear, maybe the universe wants me to remember that no matter how much I love someone they can hurt me and that I need to remain focused when it happens and to do whatever I can to remain the bigger person.

I have given my heart too much power over my life and I have to force myself to move on to accept that this is the closure that I am given and that I must make the best of it.  It truly hurts though because I would love nothing more than to be able to sit with MeTo and smile about the past and know that he will always be my friend, that he will always care and that he knows and accepts the fact that I will always be there for him. To hear him when he wants to vent, to hear about the great things happening in his life and to celebrate all the joys weather small or big.

I have been really emotional lately and that has clearly shown in my blog, I must now focus on me. I have to reevaluate everything that makes up Vixc B. No longer will I try to cover my pain with contraband such as sex, alcohol, shoes, clothes, and food.. No longer will I use my body as way of taking control of a man and no longer will I settle for a guy who wants me for my for my physical before he has made it clear that he wants me for my mind and heart. That is the person I want to be, that is how I started. I have to stop focusing on finding love and seeking out my ideal “Happily Ever After.”

Weather love comes sooner or later I must remember that I am forever a work in progress and to stay on task to achieve my personal and professional goals. I still have a ways to go as far as getting over the hurt but I am taking strides. I removed the Facebook post and I have apologized. I have even gone as far as issuing a public apology for my past Facebook behavior.

My low self-esteem is gone and it is time I truly start acting like it. I am good looking, creative, funny, and intelligent; I am a kind loving and giving person. I am also protective, mildly jealous, emotional, impulsive, and either extremely authoritative or excessively passive typically at the wrong times. It is time I take more control over my life and really work hard to mold me into the person I want to be. I am quite sure that soon the day will come when I look in the Mirror and see the easily lovable hopeless romantic I once was.

And Now We Have It

One strange after noon I was not feeling well. Stressed with life and all the crazy shit that went down I found me stuck in bed with a headache on a rainy Monday. I ordered food nibbled and then went to sleep when I woke up at 2 in the morning to put everything away I noticed I had a text message and it read as follows:

                          “Hey (Vixc-B), how are things? I thought you should know… I am trying things out with a guy I met recently. I hope you understand… and I’m sure u would allow yourself to do the same if someone came along, right? J”

The last I heard from this person was that we should wipe the slate of our past clean and work on giving us another chance. I was shocked that someone who for months would not let me go and convinced me to say, Ok let us work on repairing the damage, would do a 180 via text message.

It was not so much what he said but how he said it, via text message. Did that mean he never wanted to get back together or was this all a plan to hurt me? I would never know because he just disrespected me in the ultimate way and did not bother to apologize. He had no idea how I was doing and on top of the other bullshit in my life I was forced to deal with the drama that is now or was Doctor MeTo.

I took my time about responding, something about him mailing me my stuff but I soon realized that I did care that much for it and so I told him:

“I am taking the time to except the fact that you and I will never be. I also want you to know based on all of our history you are the one ex I truly do not wish to remain friends with. Best of luck with the future.”

To be honest not being friends with him is me saying I never want to see or hear from him again. I then went and deleted him from my phone and other parts of my life. I struggled to get ready for class that morning and ended up being late despite the fact I work up at 2am.

I then went and had a chat with the reverend and he agreed that a text message was a bad move and when my roommate came to pick me up from class we got to talking about exes and current boyfriends. Her jaw dropped when I got to the story of MeTo.

I decided since I was closing the chapter of my life that contained MeTo I would work on M. I sent him a text as well but a bit more friendly:

“Just wanted you to know that I have done a lot of thinking. I have come to terms with the fact that you and I will never be. If you would like to try being friends for real. I mean move past the whole ex thing and never have sex again, I am all for it. “

He responded to tell me that was fine which means, it now has to be tested. To move on amicably from one relationship was liberating, I still however felt slightly numb and it was not until I talked to Mister Wonderful that I began to feel like a human with respected emotions again.

My mother had pointed out that I seem to dream away my grief. Every time a close person to me dies I dream about some situation where they walk away. When my uncle passed I dreamt that we were having a party at my grandmother’s house. My uncle was there and I knew that he should not have been he walked around and made sure everyone was fine and never saying a word he left.

The night of the text message I dreamt I was in prison and it was the day of my release. My sister was coming to pick me up and I wanted to look my best. I was shown my lockers and in them were a tone of close among a few other things. I had a duffle bag, a suite case and a laundry basket. I packed everything up, looked at my luggage and decided I only wanted to take one bag, then I woke up.

I checked my phone to see if I got any text while I was sleeping and a new friend of mine had told me he was working on a song before I went to sleep, I asked what kind of song and he told me it was about someone he used to date. My face smiled and my heart sank, because only one song came to mind, “Put It In the 3^rd Draw.”

 MeTo wrote that song for and about me during our honeymoon phase and would play it from time to time around the house even after we were engaged. It is funny our relationship started with such romance and while we had some drama for the past year I did my best to treat him with the respect he deserved that honored what we shared together. Now I was gathering all the things he gave me and all the memories we shared and putting them in a draw in the basement of my heart because if a text is how this all ends then it could have never of meant much.

A part of me keeps expecting a phone call or letter to explain further, give some poetry to what we had, but I know I hope in vain. It is hard moving on when the ending is so in just. A part of me wants revenge to share all the secrets that he has told me, to mock him publicly, to make him feel small and think that there is no way I could have ever cared but to do so would make me evil and damage me like I allowed him to do once before.

Damage, that is the focus hear, the part that I am missing. While I used to talk about Mister M and all the drama, he honestly never did anything to hurt me intentionally. Looking back he tried to be as kind as he could but I kept making it difficult setting myself up for hurt. As for MeTo he constantly proclaimed undying love but dated other men or ignored me. That is not love that is control and manipulation, I was a good back up for him and the person he called when the single life got lonely and that is why things ended with a text. 

Mister Wonderful

Saturday came and I found out for sure that I was moving into the place I chose. it came with some awesome roommates and while my room was smaller I was sure that the necessities would fit, Queen sized bed, desk, dresser and some shelves for my cook books. I tried to get my buddy to help me move but he was busy with work and unresponsive to phone calls and text. So I began planning on getting the small stuff to my new place and then I got called into work. So no moving was going to happen on Saturday.

Sunday came and I went to work as planned and the past two days were I and Mr. wonderful seeing when the next time we could hang out would be. I explained to him that I was having trouble getting my stuff to my new place and he offered to help me move my bed once he was done shooting in North Jersey. I was floored and I wanted to say thanks but no thanks but it was several fold if I said yes. He would help me move, I saw no other way to get my bed to my new place, and I would get to see him again.

I called my aunt to meet her at her place and told her the plan. She was cool with it and so I chatted with her and told her all about Wonderful. I even explained to here that the 21 year old was out of the picture and why, she understood.

Soon he arrived and it took two trips and a stop to “become acquainted,” and soon my bed was in the new place. He then offered to take me back to my mom’s house which turned into us going to Ruby Tuesdays to get a cocktail and a small bite to eat. I paid the bill and he seemed shocked, I explained to him that it would be impolite of me not to pay the bill as he came all this way just to help me.  He suggested going back to Tabu but I was not dressed for it and it was a long day for it to be only 8pm. He then explained how is a spontaneous guy and likes to live in the moment, at that I knew I was in trouble. This man was so much like me in all the right ways that I was always in a state of arousal in his presence.

He dropped me off at my mom’s and sent me a text when he got home. I took a deep sigh and knew it had begun, I was falling. 

Finding Closure

Every great relationship deserves an ending that makes it clear to both parties that things are over and everyone involved will try to move on. Sometimes this happens in the most in just of ways and sometimes it happens in the most poetic of ways, but what do you do if you never get closure to a relationship and the other person is still somehow in and out of your life?

The biggest riddle in “The Indigo Life,” I that no matter what I do Mister M and Doctor MeTo are still in my life and the three of us are caught in some kind of love triangle. Mister M is not sure what he wants, the two of us talk too much and I begin chasing after him while Doctor MeTo keeps popping up out of the blue and confessing his undying love for me.

The problem is obvious we all need to just let each other go. I need to accept the fact the Mister M will never be completely honest and tell me I am just not what he wants and that Doctor MeTo and I may just not be meant to be. I am a Philly Boy who likes my independence and he lives in Brooklyn and his life revolves around his family and his career, there is no room in MeTo’s life for me.

But what is closure really? When you are with someone or on a roller-coaster with someone for so many years how to you honestly get off and leave the amusement park to never return? The gays may never know. Honestly think about how many gays do you know who break up and get back together? It truly becomes entertainment for their friends. “Are these two Big and Carrie?”

(Spoiler Alert) Well this is real life and the true Sex and the City fans know Big and Carrie never ended up together. Is it that we all are hoping too much for a fairytale ending, is it that we want to be that great love story our friends talk about for years, or is it that we have allowed television to brainwash us so much that we think this type of masochistic behavior is how love really looks?

When you break up with someone whom you have only been dating a short while you know when it is over, you make it clear that you gave it a shot and are sure this won’t work. Even if out of desperation in the future you decide to call them up and try again, when you call it quits you know it is quits. However when you spend a few years with or chasing someone letting go becomes difficult, with holding closure is your hope in getting back together. Even when one of you dates someone else, in your head you think, not like Carrie but like Carrie’s  friends, we will get back together just like on Sex and the city, or Noah’s Arc, or some other show where after several seasons of masochistic behavior they get together in the final episode.

I for one am tired of this merry-go-round with Doctor MeTo and this roller-coaster with Mister M. I hate the heartache and the letdown. Mister Wonderful is in my life and while things are not going the way I want them to, how can I give him the honest chance if in my head I am wondering which of my past major love’s is Mister Big and which is Aidan?

The truth of the matter is neither. If either of them wanted things to work they would have. If it was a truly romantic story they would try something to make a relationship work. MeTo is unwilling to change anything about his life and neither is M. so I need to not only let them go but tell them I am letting them go. It is easier said than done I know, but like discipline to a child this has to be done.

I confess I love M and MeTo very much and my heart will ache when I close the doors on us forever. This means that all the hopes and dreams I had and discussed with MeTo will have been just that and never come to reality and all the things M and I talked about maybe doing one day will never happen but if I am truly honest with myself I was destined to lose out anyway. I could only have one man and only one future the other would have remained just a dream.

So my readers there is no Mister Big in this story because it is real life, I have to end things and await the day to hear how they have moved on and are happy, and hopefully I will end up happy too. 

Previously in The Indigo Life . . .

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they stop to ponder all the things about their current life. We ponder things by asking questions such as: does life exist in other places in the universe, will I ever get married, do I need religion, whatever happened to that friend of mine, and my personal favorite, How did I get here?

Life is an amazing evolving thing from year to year at one point in your life things seem to be ever consistent and then in what feels to be an instant you are looking at everything and wondering, what happened? When the question, “What happened?” occurs it is not always good or bad sometimes it is our way of simply acknowledging that things are completely different in our life now from how they were at some other point.

I am at one of those points in my life. I look back over the past two years spent since my return to Philly and I reminisce about the amazing roller-coaster of a ride it has been. Sometimes I panic about the fact that I am not where I had planned my life to be but all the same it has been a fun ride.

When I started this blog and for the following five years I had the same 5 close friends, Jaiye, Jazz, Tia, Phil and RJ. Betrayal caused my friendship with Jazz to end, utter disrespect ended things with Jaiye and miscommunication ended things with Phil, as for Tia and RJ while I still consider them friends I have to accept the fact that I met them through Jaiye and that makes things awkward.

But here I am at a different point in my life where I find myself as part of a foursome, just like most television shows. When I first moved back to Philly I met this sweetheart of a young man named Icon, A tall teddy bear exocentric type, who seemed to make friends no matter where he went. He and I became instant best friends we admired each other for the things that made us unique and in so realized while we may seem totally different we have a freakish amount in common.

Through Icon I met Qhoiyn, a freestyle androgynous rapper and Alizé an art student and drag performer. I remember I had stepped out of the scene and when I stepped back into it Icon welcomed me with opened arms and was quick to introduce me as his best friend to all the new and interesting people he had met. Before I knew it I was going to this show and that show and the two people that I always bumped into weather I was with icon or not were Alizé and Qhoiyn. Soon our foursome became strong and a night on the town was not complete unless at least three of the four was present and if all four were around we became our own private party that many wanted to attend.

The four of us all bottoms and black noticed that we exuded different black female stereotypes that went hand in hand with certain black names. We all choose from, Vera, Tammy, Connie, and Phyllis. Aunt Phyllis was the simple yet intelligent one a bit like Charlotte York but with a black woman’s ferocity and the ability to keep certain people in line. Aunt Connie, your round the way type girl with her own style and known for carrying a big bag and always being prepared, loveable to a fault but she leaves everyone afraid to piss her off despite she almost never says a mean word to anyone. Aunt Tammy is a round the way type girl as well, she will say what is on her mind and if she don’t like you do not bother trying to change it. Rough around the edges she is loved by all who are in her circle and she is protective of her friends. Lastly Aunt Vera, the bitch of the group, this girl does what she has to in order to survive and make ends meet fiercely protective of her friends, she has a really hard shell and the only way through it is if she lets you. If you want to get hurt mess with her, if you want to die mess with her friends.

My group of friends is dynamic and for the first time in my life I can see these people being the ones that in 10 years from now even if we all live in different parts of the country calling each other up to see how we are all doing and trying to arrange a trip to meet up. It is comforting to have people in my life who are so different from one another and the rest of the world but I share so much in common with. Three strong black gay men who embrace all things gay but refuse to put it into a box. They take what they like and make it their own. Not to mention it is going to make for some dynamic post in the upcoming future.

Men

Whenever a big change is going to come many times you will notice your past will literally replay fast forward in your present. Around Christmas Mr. M and I began talking and things were peaceful and looked like they might turn out the way I always wanted but after a visit to Philly things changed and now we hardly talk anymore.  I bumped into Ramon at iCandy and after talking to him for maybe an hour I realized that even at 31 he was never going to change. Then one night at a dinner while trying to help a new friend I bumped into Damien, the old flame grew strong when he sat next to me and we began flirting like we used to. The next few days it was a few texts about how I was supposed to have been "wiffie" but soon the text stopped and I lost all interest.

Then Dr. MeTo, the text and phone calls began and figured I would go with it, see what would happen. I had admitted to all the times I cheated on him and he became angry with me and then my phone was cut off so there was no communication for two weeks. Now he wanted to pursue things, come for a visit and see how we felt when we saw one another. The phone calls and text continued for about three weeks and soon I got a text to indicate I was yet again put on his back burner until he had time to deal with the idea of us again.

I figured since I was yet again on the back burner I would begin focusing on me and having a good time and as history would have it that is when someone who is really interested shows up.

Mister Wonderful

The app grindr I had decided was nothing more than a waste of time. I never made any friends or got any dates off of it. Most times I met a few guys, would chat for a couple days and that was the end. But this one night while leaving my best friends and heading home I decided to check while I was on the El and I got a message for sex. Flattered I responded but I was not interested in hooking up with some stranger. Little did I know that this simple friendly response was a huge turn on for this guy. I did not send dirty pictures, and I was not changing my evening so I could go jump in bed with him. I did however take the time to chat it up and soon from talking about him trying to get into my pants we began trying to get to know one another, that seemed to turn him on more and more and soon face pictures were swapped and as I laid myself to sleep I remember thinking, this guy is hot.

We exchanged phone numbers and we sent each other text every day. I even went as far as sending him some naughty pictures in response to the ones he sent me, something I almost never do. The more we talked the more we liked one another until one night we just had to meet. It was a Thursday and after a failed attempt on Wednesday we ensured that we would meet that Thursday. Tabu was having 5 dollar Jamison and so patiently I waited and sipped while talking to the bartender I have had a crush on for the longest time. Then I noticed the guy who was two seats over also knew the bartender and so we began to chat. As if it were rehearsed for a movie, when he was getting up to leave my Mr. Wonderful walked in. I was later told that looks were exchanged but I failed to notice.

He was more attractive in person and had the kindest eyes. I was also tipsy so I encouraged him to catch up. I soon learned that he was a Patrón kind of guy and both the bartender and I looked at him as if to ask, “Do you know where you are?” he soon realized that this was not the kind of bar you order Patrón when he heard how much his drink was. Soon icon showed up and I bought him two drinks, the night prior was not a good one for him. Then Qhoiyn showed up but at that point I was done. Tabu closed and we all headed to Voyeur and danced the night away and Mr. Wonderful and I not wanting to call it a night decided to go back to his place. The trip seemed to take forever, cuddling at PATCO making out on the train, a quick nap and soon we were at his stop where he drove his car to his house.

Things went as far as I could stand to let them go and he was a gentleman the whole time. We cuddled until I heard him jump up and I soon realized what went down that night. I drank a lot but in true form I had no regrets. He drove me back to PATCO and went on to the meeting he was almost late for. I went right back to my mom’s house and passed out. The afternoon before I ate soup made with pork not thinking about my allergy and in conjunction with a night drinking like a peasant I was in pain. I had to call out of work and it was not until my mom came home that the necessary things could be one for me to feel better.

I began texting Mr. Wonderful and the whole time it was do you remember? We both admitted to having a great time and not being able to wait until we saw each other again. I remember putting my phone down after texting him back, goodnight, and thinking, “How do I tell MeTo?”

I Lost A Friend Today.

Today I lost a friend. Someone whom I thought was dear to me; a person who I thought would always value me being in their life tossed me aside without any just explanation. I cannot help but feel hurt today. I know that I should count my blessings and move on but I am finding it difficult.  

I never understood how some people just toss people to the side so unceremoniously. After years of knowing one another did I mean nothing to you? After all the wrongs that we have done to one another and the forgiveness that was given did you want to just toss it away? Four years I have known this person and given of myself to them and listened to how great they thought I was, yet not great enough to get a phone call but a text late at night. No emotion no real explanation just that things are over and I should move on.

I feel like Carrie did when Burger broke up with her via Post It. What is wrong with people that they start a relationship with such gusto and end things without any emotion? I could see if I did something wrong recently or said the wrong thing but to go from, “I love having you in my life,” to not hearing from you, to a text calling things off, hurts. It feels like everything this person ever said to me was a lie that that never thought I was great or that I was even worth the time they spent with me.

I just don’t get it, how can I ever trust anyone ever again who says they love me and are not family? How can I allow a man to look me in the eyes and hear him say the most wonderful thing and not think, “Bull shit?” I never broke up with anyone via text, it is just improper and most importantly it is hurtful. It would have hurt a lot less if i got word today that they died. 

How can I now not hate this person? I have no choice but to move and never speak to them again. In the mean time I have to deal with a hurt that is unlike any other. The hurt of trusting someone who for years said great things and in less than a minute took it all away because it was convenient not to be a man about it. 

That Friend

We all know a friend who has one, the best friend that no one likes for whatever reason. He is typically seen as ugly, stuck up, dumb, a know it all and just plain unattractive. But for whatever the reason, your one friend refuses to cut him loose despite the fact that all his other friends hate this friend.

Ugly people – are always ugly on the inside. Unattractive people when given a chance are revered and loved for the beauty that lies within because their inside is quickly seen. Yet the ugly no matter how “Attractive” they may initially appear are soon seen as an Ugly person and labeled as unattractive.

For example I had this friend this past summer, I met him online, he had just moved to Philadelphia and he and his boyfriend were looking to make new friends. I being the one to never turn down a chance to make a good friend decided to give them a chance, the Asian and Chicagoan.  This Chicagoan was the one in search of friends and I soon noticed he was putting on airs. He was trying to portray his relationship to be something it was not. The Asian was here to obtain a PhD and I having just been in a relationship with Doctor MeTo, knew the struggles it was to be with someone getting that level of education.

I tried my best to be friends with the Chicagoan but his asshole nature showed thorough to all my friends and he was shunned. No on in my group liked him, but we all loved his boyfriend the Asian. Soon I was spending more time with the Asian simply because the other guy most nights acted like an ass leaving his boyfriend to fend for himself as far as becoming acclimated to the city. 

Many nights while on the trolley to the city, I was shown text messages and told of horrid conversations that went down between the two of them. Then the night came when the Chicagoan hit the Asian and I was done. This man was ugly in my book and in a matter of month’s I noticed he could never keep a friend longer than a few weeks. When he cheated he could only get the scraps of the city that the rest of us looked at like, “Why?”

The Chicagoan was a physically attractive person; we all easily gave him a chance because it was easy to see how someone could be attracted to him. Sure it sounds shallow but let’s be honest that is how the world just works. It was watching him interact with his boyfriend that turned us all off and the only reason I tried was because I genuinely like the Asian as a friend. Recently I was informed My Asian friend had enough and called it quits.

My Best friend has a best friend that no one likes. Doctor MeTo and all the other gays of mine that have met this guy have made a point to point out that he leaves a nasty after taste. I should have been clued in when he went after a guy I was interested in, but I ignored it. Mark, as he shall be referred to, was funny but his humor was always in putting someone down behind their backs. The day came when without a word he just stopped talking to me. I just thought he started thinking he was better than everyone because he was now going to school in NYC but he ignored me when I said hello and after a while I just wrote him off and so did others.

So now when he comes to visit there is only one person who wants to see him and so only one person will hang out with him, my best friend. You can imagine why this is seen as problematic. So I have learned to just not hang with my friend when “That Friend” is in town. 

Geronimo?

Do I just jump right in or take my time? It’s the question that every gay man stops to ask himself when he is presented with a new relationship prospect. I met the 21 year old the same way I meet most of the leading men, Adam4Adam. To be just 21 he was quite impressive, he owned his own place down in Delaware and has a good job, he is a father and he has a car, on paper the perfect guy.

Now his home is a trailer but he owns two and they are the nice kind not the white trash versions you see on TV. The only thing is he wants to settle down soon, and with me no less. He seems perfect but I feel like I either have to go all in or just move on.

I want the gay fantasy, a house, husband and kids, this guy would provide all the above, but I find myself a bit apprehensive about making things official. He is only 21; he is still learning what being gay is all about. No matter when you come out you do not really get to begin learning about what gay is until you are 21. The world becomes completely open to you and there are many new avenues to explore and my 21 year old is evidence of that.

I decided after a week that I would go all in and a few days later I was told he was on his way to a drag show. When I went down to see him I was presented with a pic of him in drag. I have nothing against drag queens but I like my men hairy and masculine. This guy now had shaved legs, one of the things that attracted me to him was now gone. Then he fell asleep on me, I was stuck at the train station waiting for him to wake up and come get me he promised he would make it up to me but that never happened.

I began debating if I would call it off we met early January and here it was early February and we have yet to go on a real date. Just when I decided I would break up with him I find out he has cancer. A bitch I may be but I certainly have a heart so I backed down.

He decided to come pick me up and spend the day with me which consisted of me taking a shower at his place, having sex, making him tuna and him sleeping for 8 hours. I was done! Every time I came to see him all he did was fuck me then sleep and the sex was far from being that good. I decided to see what he would do for Valentine’s Day and when I was sent a mass text message I ignored it, two days later I told him we needed to talk about us. He never responded I take it he got the message.

Imagine if I decided to just say Geronimo and go all in I would be stuck in Delaware bored with a boyfriend who has cancer and no idea how to handle a guy like me. In a word MeTo 2.

Married Liars

It is difficult to find an unattached good man, no matter where you look the ones who are hot and decent are already attached to someone else. Then you have the guys who are so attached that no matter what, they will never come unattached. These are the married men who cheat because, well; they can get away with it. Their lovers or wives or husbands turn a blind eye to what goes on because simply put they will always go home.

This creates a problem in the dating world especially if you are a gay man. You find these guys who say they only want sex but they have no clue as to how to make it just about sex. They introduce some kind of emotion and then make excuses as to why they cannot leave their partner.

Things can get harry with married men, so I avoid it as best as I can, but what does one do when you get involved with a married man for the sake of sex only but they want more?

Recently I allowed myself to enter into that type of relationship. I met a guy who was handsome, great body, well off, and great in bed, the catch, (like with all great things) is he is married to another man. Due to several recent operations his partner could no longer be the bottom in the relationship and being uncompromising said man decided to stay in the relationship and simple get ass from someone else. This was fine by me, I only wanted his dick, no dates, no gifts, nothing but the occasional booty call.

It was not long before I started being asked questions like, “If I was single would you date me?”  Major red flag, I am not a home wrecker. He then started telling me things such as, “You make me feel so good,” and “I want you to know it is not just about sex with you.”

I allowed the affair to continue because as we all know, “He never leaves his wife” or husband in my case. Then the other day I accepted the fact that it would be a while before I would see him as he and his husband were going on vacation together. He then told me he wanted to see me to say hi and see how I was doing, just talk no sex. So I rushed home only to get a text saying, “Haven’t forgotten you, handling a work issue.”  Five hours later when I text him back playfully that it must be a major work issue I got reprimanded for my sarcastic tone. I sent him a text the next day and no response.

I learned a lesson in all of this. I always wondered how people find themselves in a “situation” with married men and the truth of the matter is they never let you think it is just sex. They do their best to hook you in by saying the things that you don’t get to hear all the time. You hear how great you make them feel, they tell you are beautiful,   intelligent, and that you should be attached. Then before you know it you become addicted and you begin to wonder, “if I make you feel this good, why not be with me?”

I failed to get totally hooked, I was enjoying being single, the idea of being a side piece gave me what I truly wanted, sex with no strings attached, and I kept solace in the fact that they never leave what they got at home.

So I close with a tip, if you ever find yourself with a married person, remember no matter what they say it is just sex and if you catch feelings then you need to run.