Today is Good Friday

Focusing on the most bitter sweet day for Christians. 

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Women Vs. Men

While my mother and I do not discuss me being gay we do talk about men versus women and the one thing we agree on hands down is that the more complicated of the two sexes is the men.

To truly understand a woman all you have to do is listen and remember her rhythm. Many men find this complicated and refuse to try and remember the pattern. They rather live day to day and complain that their wife or girlfriend is complicated.

Men on the other hand have no pattern. For a man the goal is to get what he wants so he employs different tactics such as manipulation and bargaining. While they are creatures of habit they do allow exceptions but these exceptions change from day to day. Men require new things to be thrown into the mix because while being creatures of habit, they get bored easily. They require constant attention and ego stroking.

Anyone who has dated a man or married one knows trying to keep him happy is difficult but the right one makes it rewarding just like a woman. 

חג פסח שמח

"Long ago, at this season, on such a night as this, a people - our people - set out on a journey.
All but crushed by their enslavement, they yet recalled the far-off memory of a happier past.
And heard the voice of their ancestral God, bidding them summon up the courage to be free.
Boldly, they went forth from Egypt, crossed the Sea, and headed through the desert for the Promised Land.
What they experienced, they remembered, and told their children, and they to theirs.
From generation to generation, the story was retold, and we are here to tell it yet again.
We too give thanks for Israel's liberation; we too remember what it means to be a slave.
And so we pray for all who are still fettered, still denied their human rights. Let all God's children sit at his table, drink the wine of deliverance, and eat the bread of freedom:
Freedom from bondage
And freedom from oppression,

Freedom from hunger
And freedom from want,

Freedom from hatred
And freedom from fear,

Freedom to think
And freedom to speak,

Freedom to learn
And freedom to love,

Freedom to hope
And freedom to rejoice;

Soon in our days,

My Real Feelings

I have learned a huge lesson recently. My impulsive nature in more cases than not, damages my future. Many times things happen and I react on pure emotion, not giving myself time to calm down and think. I did something truly embarrassing recently. I forgot who I was and tried to hurt someone, whom I love deeply, publicly simply because they hurt me. Consumed with anger I posted what was sent to me in a picture on Facebook.  My emotions like many times in my recent past, got the best of me.

I used to pride myself on being clear headed and allowing myself to get hurt and being able to see when it was coming. My heart was on my sleeve and my friends all loved and admired how I was willing to put myself out there in order to find love.  My heart has gone from being on my sleeve and taking abuse to back in the cage of my chest. I no longer can see when the hurt coming and I react in ways that are not healthy. I allow my heart to take control in times of coercion and the results always leave me apologizing.  When I go back and read old blog post I am surprised at the person I was and who I have become. I have changed so much that I recognize neither person. Is that why MeTo just bailed on me?

The time in my life when I should have been focusing not only on progressing and growing, I should have also been focusing on recapturing my innocence and humility. That is the thing about self-esteem it can swing quickly in the wrong direction. I went from having next to none to having too much. I want to go back to being the hopeless romantic I once was, fighting for love and hoping that everyone in my life obtains a happily ever after.

I know in my blog I talk about some things that make many people uncomfortable. I talk about sex, sexual partners, my friends, my boy friends, my family, school, my religious views, my exes, my heartaches, and my hops for the future. In the beginning I would sometimes exaggerate things slightly and try to give emphasis to certain emotions. Then I started noticing that many of my friends would question my post, so I stopped and wrote straight from the heart. The funny thing about writing from the heart is that while it may seem like a good idea at the time, a post that you work long and hard on while under duress can later bit you in the ass.

My blog has always served a major purpose, if I cannot write about it, than I cannot do. The time came when I did things that required censoring. I had to wait until I came clean with others before I could post about them. That should have been clue one that I was getting out of control.

In hopes to be a big deal in the Philadelphia gay scene I began using Facebook the same way everyone else did. I used it to post whatever I was thinking and feeling, in hopes that someone would pay me attention. Wait a minute, why did I want attention? If I love me for me why did I need the validation of others? My status updates began getting too much attention. My aunt on more than one occasion chastised me for my updates, friends called to ask what was going on. Soon the people that mattered stopped paying attention and only responded when I went too far.

I recently went back to edit old blog post that had poor grammar and other mistakes. Probably not such a good idea to do post edits when you are trying to get over someone who has broken your heart and a good chunk of your blog is about a time when your lives were intertwined. But none the less I did it anyways.

I read about times when I was angry with my ex and times when I was happy and for the most part when I was happy I allowed him to blind me. When my ex gave me attention he became my world all I could see. So many posts even when I was clearly being selfish were about how I wanted a dream life with him and how we tried to compromise on what we both wanted. After reading certain post it was clear that what I wanted lined up with what he wanted and I had no idea how this happened.

I sit here now and wonder what I did wrong, how did things get this way? How did two people who loved each other so deeply become bitter, angry and hurtful?  How can the person who I once trusted with my life and showed love to so deeply suddenly  shut me out when times get bad, will give me the silent treatment, and will disregard my feelings because of how he feels? Did he ever really love me? Did I waste my time? Was I just the backup, the person he called when being single became too much?  Or did I change too much and he did not want to bother telling me?

Despite my short comings I have a right to answers, I gave them to him. When I called things off, I had a heart about it. I told him why and answered his calls. I did all I could to make things easier. How could he turn around and just drop me like this? I am hurting and he is acting like I don’t mean anything to him.

Left with no other option I turned to friends who know the situation well. Who were there when we celebrated our engagement, all of which came to parties and was hoping that the two of us would get over ourselves and make things work.

I was told to pour my heart into an email and I did. I sent him the email, both to his inbox and as a private message on Facebook. Another ex of his told me of how he was cut out and given the silent treatment and that time allowed them to become best friends. Another mutual friend just shook his head and wished me the best. I don’t want to hurt MeTo although at times my mind races with nasty hurtful things I could do to him. I do not want to curse him or watch from the side line as karma does it worst. All I want is a meaningful ending, for the two of us to talk and say well, I am happy for you and wish you the best. I think the fact we lived together and experienced so much together makes such a request valid.

The past week I have watched myself lose weight and cry and do things that I regret. I have been self-destructive and asked myself, “How did I get here.” Why did I permit myself to allow someone to matter so much? How can I really move on if this is how my longest relationship ended? If I made the mistake of giving my heart to someone who would turn around and hurt me in such a cold manner, what is to prevent me from doing it again?

I know I did some pretty bad things. I cheated but the why has to count for something.  The truth of it all is this is not the first time MeTo has hurt me deeply. Being ignored and held at arm’s length when I was finally giving my all trying to prove I was better, had some part in causing me to regress.  Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn hear, maybe the universe wants me to remember that no matter how much I love someone they can hurt me and that I need to remain focused when it happens and to do whatever I can to remain the bigger person.

I have given my heart too much power over my life and I have to force myself to move on to accept that this is the closure that I am given and that I must make the best of it.  It truly hurts though because I would love nothing more than to be able to sit with MeTo and smile about the past and know that he will always be my friend, that he will always care and that he knows and accepts the fact that I will always be there for him. To hear him when he wants to vent, to hear about the great things happening in his life and to celebrate all the joys weather small or big.

I have been really emotional lately and that has clearly shown in my blog, I must now focus on me. I have to reevaluate everything that makes up Vixc B. No longer will I try to cover my pain with contraband such as sex, alcohol, shoes, clothes, and food.. No longer will I use my body as way of taking control of a man and no longer will I settle for a guy who wants me for my for my physical before he has made it clear that he wants me for my mind and heart. That is the person I want to be, that is how I started. I have to stop focusing on finding love and seeking out my ideal “Happily Ever After.”

Weather love comes sooner or later I must remember that I am forever a work in progress and to stay on task to achieve my personal and professional goals. I still have a ways to go as far as getting over the hurt but I am taking strides. I removed the Facebook post and I have apologized. I have even gone as far as issuing a public apology for my past Facebook behavior.

My low self-esteem is gone and it is time I truly start acting like it. I am good looking, creative, funny, and intelligent; I am a kind loving and giving person. I am also protective, mildly jealous, emotional, impulsive, and either extremely authoritative or excessively passive typically at the wrong times. It is time I take more control over my life and really work hard to mold me into the person I want to be. I am quite sure that soon the day will come when I look in the Mirror and see the easily lovable hopeless romantic I once was.

And Now We Have It

One strange after noon I was not feeling well. Stressed with life and all the crazy shit that went down I found me stuck in bed with a headache on a rainy Monday. I ordered food nibbled and then went to sleep when I woke up at 2 in the morning to put everything away I noticed I had a text message and it read as follows:

                          “Hey (Vixc-B), how are things? I thought you should know… I am trying things out with a guy I met recently. I hope you understand… and I’m sure u would allow yourself to do the same if someone came along, right? J”

The last I heard from this person was that we should wipe the slate of our past clean and work on giving us another chance. I was shocked that someone who for months would not let me go and convinced me to say, Ok let us work on repairing the damage, would do a 180 via text message.

It was not so much what he said but how he said it, via text message. Did that mean he never wanted to get back together or was this all a plan to hurt me? I would never know because he just disrespected me in the ultimate way and did not bother to apologize. He had no idea how I was doing and on top of the other bullshit in my life I was forced to deal with the drama that is now or was Doctor MeTo.

I took my time about responding, something about him mailing me my stuff but I soon realized that I did care that much for it and so I told him:

“I am taking the time to except the fact that you and I will never be. I also want you to know based on all of our history you are the one ex I truly do not wish to remain friends with. Best of luck with the future.”

To be honest not being friends with him is me saying I never want to see or hear from him again. I then went and deleted him from my phone and other parts of my life. I struggled to get ready for class that morning and ended up being late despite the fact I work up at 2am.

I then went and had a chat with the reverend and he agreed that a text message was a bad move and when my roommate came to pick me up from class we got to talking about exes and current boyfriends. Her jaw dropped when I got to the story of MeTo.

I decided since I was closing the chapter of my life that contained MeTo I would work on M. I sent him a text as well but a bit more friendly:

“Just wanted you to know that I have done a lot of thinking. I have come to terms with the fact that you and I will never be. If you would like to try being friends for real. I mean move past the whole ex thing and never have sex again, I am all for it. “

He responded to tell me that was fine which means, it now has to be tested. To move on amicably from one relationship was liberating, I still however felt slightly numb and it was not until I talked to Mister Wonderful that I began to feel like a human with respected emotions again.

My mother had pointed out that I seem to dream away my grief. Every time a close person to me dies I dream about some situation where they walk away. When my uncle passed I dreamt that we were having a party at my grandmother’s house. My uncle was there and I knew that he should not have been he walked around and made sure everyone was fine and never saying a word he left.

The night of the text message I dreamt I was in prison and it was the day of my release. My sister was coming to pick me up and I wanted to look my best. I was shown my lockers and in them were a tone of close among a few other things. I had a duffle bag, a suite case and a laundry basket. I packed everything up, looked at my luggage and decided I only wanted to take one bag, then I woke up.

I checked my phone to see if I got any text while I was sleeping and a new friend of mine had told me he was working on a song before I went to sleep, I asked what kind of song and he told me it was about someone he used to date. My face smiled and my heart sank, because only one song came to mind, “Put It In the 3^rd Draw.”

 MeTo wrote that song for and about me during our honeymoon phase and would play it from time to time around the house even after we were engaged. It is funny our relationship started with such romance and while we had some drama for the past year I did my best to treat him with the respect he deserved that honored what we shared together. Now I was gathering all the things he gave me and all the memories we shared and putting them in a draw in the basement of my heart because if a text is how this all ends then it could have never of meant much.

A part of me keeps expecting a phone call or letter to explain further, give some poetry to what we had, but I know I hope in vain. It is hard moving on when the ending is so in just. A part of me wants revenge to share all the secrets that he has told me, to mock him publicly, to make him feel small and think that there is no way I could have ever cared but to do so would make me evil and damage me like I allowed him to do once before.

Damage, that is the focus hear, the part that I am missing. While I used to talk about Mister M and all the drama, he honestly never did anything to hurt me intentionally. Looking back he tried to be as kind as he could but I kept making it difficult setting myself up for hurt. As for MeTo he constantly proclaimed undying love but dated other men or ignored me. That is not love that is control and manipulation, I was a good back up for him and the person he called when the single life got lonely and that is why things ended with a text.