A Good Way To Deal.

We all know that there are a lot of different emotions that homos deal with on a daily bases. We have to deal with all kinds of relationships that we some days would rather die to avoid. Relationship with our parents, significant others, complex friends, associates who try their best to keep you in that stereotypical pink light of being happy and flamboyant.  Its hard work especially when you don’t have many real supporters. Yeah your boyfriend supports you, your friends support you, but how many people know the real you, the moment you look sad they start to pretend they don’t know you, or act as if you don’t exist until the "you" they know and love returns.

My whole life I have felt like an actor. I had to lie to the world to protect those around me. Why is this so, why is it that I have to pretend to be someone else even when I just want to be me? It seems I have no one I honestly can talk to even after being out of the closet for four years and having a boyfriend for two. Many people will judge you for your emotions, that's not fair. Others will tell you that things are not as bad as they seem, well if they are not that bad why do I feel the erg to talk about them? I think the fact that I want to talk is indication that the problem itself may not be too bad but the way it is affecting me is making things far worse then they seem.

I am not the dramatic type I have had close calls with death, almost killed people, came close to going to jail, had bills back up to the point I was ready to scream bankruptcy but I never told a soul. Why bring attention to myself, the best way to deal with it is to take control of the situation. That is me, when I have an issue I do what I can to deal with it until I reach a point that there is nothing I can do but ask for help and even then I am very particular about whom I ask.

When asking for help I like to go to people who I know will understand that asking them for help is a last resort. The kind of person that may ask questions to get an understanding of the situation and not so they can tell me where I went wrong and deny help. Sure getting advice is great but advice with judgment and guilt in a time of need is not good advice.

Talking, Talking when you are going through hard times is a good thing. But who do you talk to? In a perfect world you would be able to talk to your boy friend but "the world ain’t so perfect." Many times your boyfriend will become distraught and whiney, making you wish you did not talk to him in the first place.  Too often he makes you feel worse because now he starts to tell you why he cannot deal with your problems. Wait, I just wanted to talk, vent a little, and maybe get some advice, why are we having a discussion about you and why you cannot deal with this? So now you know talking to the boyfriend is not so good.

What about mom and dad? Well if dad is dead and mom is a Homophobic hardcore Christian you are only going to get once piece of advice and it will be the same every time, “You need to start living for G-d, start praying, go to church and pay your tithes. If you do right by him he will take care of you.” Good advice if it was coming from someone who was not in debt, with recurring breast cancer, in a rocky 2^nd marriage, two kids with separate fathers neither of which are by her current husband, and in a job she hates. It is Proof that you should always take advice with a grain or two of perspective.

What about your extended family. This is where things get irregular. Some people are not close enough to their extended family to start up a conversation about what is wrong with their life. But sometimes grandparents are perfect listeners they may not have great advice for you, in their opinion, but they will listen, grandma or grandpa may say, “Just pray on it.” This is good advice because it means they feel talking to G-d is for everyone, not just the “Super Christians” and what they do may just work for you but it comes with no guarantees.

I have also found that gays typically have gay relatives, weather an aunt or uncle or maybe a cousin. It is a good idea to befriend this family member if for only one reason, commiserating. To have someone who knows your family dynamic makes it easier when sharing tales of woe. You will not have to explain how horrible your mother is when you are telling them that you no longer want to talk to her. I have found my aunt to be one of my greatest advocates she gives the best advice and knows when one must say fuck it. She and my father always told me to look out for number one and it has since become my family’s mantra. We take care of ourselves so we can take care of our family.

While I know I have some self centered family and friends I must always remember that I have one or two people in my life that serve a great purpose. I have a BFF that I can talk to most of the time and my aunt is both a great listener and gives good advice. My father’s side of the family are good people and are trying to undo the damage my mother’s side has done.

While most of the world may never get to my core at least there is my Aunt and Jaiye. Days when I am feeling blue I can think of them and feel fine, other days I call to chat and often they know what to say.  It is always the person you can commiserate with that turns out to be your best friend for life. Many times it is not the person it should be or even the person you want it to be but they are in your life. If they are not, “just pray on it,” G-d will send them to you.