Friends

My friend.

At times I can be a loud bitching funnie and honest person. I am always my self and I never change to make those around me more comfortable. I fit in in many different settings and always manage to seen as the same person in each one. When it comes to my friends I always speak my mind, how I feel, and tell them the truth even if it may hurt their feelings.

However, recently I have found that two people have gone through my life never knowing the person all my friends know. I find it mind boggling as to why that is. Every single person that Knows Victor Bethea knows his life is an honest open book. I always argue my point while still trying to understand why my adversary sees the opposite. I only apologize when I know I was more wrong then the other person and when I'm pissed sad, depressed, furious (and everyone who truly knows me there is a big difference between my levels of anger)i always let my true feelings show to my exclusive circle of friends.

My best friend from High School. Basically through our friendship away once he hit college. I always backed down in arguments, I wanted his approval, I tried to assert to him that I thought he was a great friend and an awesome person. I always wanted to do what he wanted to do when we hung out. I found myself jealous when my other friends started talking and hanging out with him. I never let it show or told anyone. I never wanted to date him so it wasn't like I thought my self as his boyfriend or anything I just was a totally different person for him. He was one of the few people that could look at me to shut up and I would with out giving a sly look, quick response or anything.

Now I am sitting here and wondering why. I never got angry or yelled at him which was strange because in high school I yelled at everyone. I bet one of my other good friends with my shoe in the hall way after lunch. I felt he was a spoiled brat who needed to know what it was like to get a but beating.

Time went by and I accepted the friendship was over and I never wanted to find someone like him again. How ever a few months after my 21^st birthday I found another. It was all fun in the beginning while we dated but after the dating was done and friendship was agreed upon I noticed I looked at the same way I did my friend in high school.

While we dated and even now as friends I still never raised my voice to him like I've done with my other friends. I refuse to let him see or hear my cry, I allow him to dominate our friendship. There have been times that I was honestly disappointed in our hangout activities but said nothing and showed no emotion as to how I truly felt. I try to remain a happy person but many times it comes off as bitter or mean spirited towards the rest of the world. I allow him to say what he want and get away with it. Its not nearly as bad as high school.

Recently I have found that this is unhealthy and along with the “I Don't Know”s is going to ruin everything. I am not going to confront him about any of this but simply change how I deal with situations around and or concerning him. I will have to make a point to remember how I would deal with something with Jaz or Jason. I don't care what other people think so long as when they walk away from me they know the Victor they talked to is the same Victor everyone else talks to.

These two people are at no fault for the way I act around them. I simply gave them power over me. I was the one who changed for no reason. It has maybe cost me one friendship but I refuse to let it be the reason for anything else in my life to go sour.

"I Don't Know"

“I Don't Know”

It's a pretty common English phrase. I have always thought of it as an easy way to annoy or evoke anger. My mother hated when that was my response and always was able to put a sarcastic spin on it. It is however going to cost me a friendship. I always thought that in time I would be able to get over this person and be happy being friends. I thought and hoped that the time would come where we would either date or we look at each other and realize we make better friends.

One sad night I was angered by something he said. When I look back on it I don't know why it angered me but it did and I in turn handled it like a bitch. Was he hurt or sad or a combination of the two I don't know and at the time I didn't care. It however lead to him having a heart to heart with my most best friend, things he said that I would have preferred her not to hear. The vocalization of what one person sees as certain flaws should only be heard by the one whom the flaws lie. Especially those that cannot be changed and others that should not be changed.

After I saw what was going on I had a drink then expressed my out rage. After a little yelling and driving people home my best friend told me what was said. The heart to heart did not anger me so much but the fact this person told my friend what he told her did. It was a fairly silent ride home with him trying to get me to speak. I was pissed and would have preferred him to take me home in silence and leave. He was sobbing and I was being a bitch hardening my heart. We got home and that conversation took place.

Every question I asked was answered with two sorry excuses for an answer to be nullified with “i don't Know.” we talked enough to the point I calmed down and excepted I wasn't going to get my way. At least not that night. We went to bed and parted ways that morning. I wanted to get to some point fast. Either dating or just friends. I called Friday and said we shouldn't talk for a week. No luck there, Thursday I got a text saying he bought me a key chain. I waited till Friday to respond. We resumed right where we were the Tuesday before we went to Woody's. At some point we even started having sex again. He didn't want to date any body he was still getting over his ex. I realized I should do the same as I was trying to get over mine, Him.

Recently the time has come where I am ready to date now. He made it quite clear that he got a little jealous when I was with the other guy that night and when I made out with his friend. He even sounded jealous when I mentioned the guy I was going to try and date. Then the night came when my guy called me and he was sitting next to me. He appeared almost pissed when I said my guy hung up on me and said “I thought you weren't going to date him.” I told him we were just friend and until a week ago it was true.

As I am getting back to the field and my new guy and I are trying to take things to a serious level. I am noticing things in my ex that are more then just turn offs. His obsession with the ex that treated him bad the entire relationship, the boring sex, the receding hair line, the constant attitude, his judgmental sounds and looks, and constant over appreciation of some things and under appreciation of others tend to make me slightly more than annoyed. To be brutally honest he is not all that attractive, he is not tall with a flat ass, he is in debt like I am and smokes like a chimney.

I am a great friend to all my friends its one of the things that make me happy. I share common interest with all my friends whether it be the jokes we tell, music we listen to, the places we hang out, common upbringing or the books we read. I don't see being the friend to him that I am to everyone else.

Your probably wondering what made me fall in love, how did I know, why was I pining over him so long? My answerer to that is “I Don't Know.”

Will he ever be able to give me proper closure, answer my questions, speak his mind as well as his heart? “I don't know”

I have no clue as to what my future holds. There are so many reasons as to why I am angry with my ex so many reasons I am angry with my self. I know I cant wait for him to finally make up his mind. He talks a good game like every guy I've dated. He wants what I want but I feel I am only an example to him. I see it in his face when I look at him. He is honestly one person who's eyes I can't look into for fear of what I may see. I feel like at the end of the day I am just the measuring stick for his dream guy a guy who is happy to do his laundry, cook him dinner, listen to him bitch and complain, reassure him when he is down and yet be content with the little he has in life.

My ex's dream guy is black closer to his hight has a nice size dick acts like he is from the hood is a total bottom, and has all the qualities I mentioned in the paragraph before. He is not me and it hurts because it could have been but I don't want it any more. I can't see my self moving backward to set myself up for God only knows what. He could be my soul mate but I doubt it. We could become the best of friends, I doubt that as well. The bottom line is I am angry with him, he broke my heart, how can I forgive him?

I don't know.

Last Time at Woodys

So Wednesday night was club night. This one was quite exciting as we haven't gone in like three weeks. I got to see a friend that I honestly haven't seen since last year. I drove a car that wasn't mine and I got drunk at the club. I don't know why but I have been cutting back on my alcohol consumption not intentionally, its just the way its been.

So the music was bumping and we were having fun. I was supposed to meet 2 other guys. One never showed and I never found the other. However my friend Dawane sent me a text asking where I was. We decided to meet at the bar. It was a Kamikaze night I had it in my flask and I had one as soon as I got to the club. With my birthday having just passed and most of my friends not showing up I and getting my birthday drinks still. When Dawane showed up I could see he was clearly pissed. He ordered my second drink and a Grey Goose on the rocks for himself. I forced him to let off his chest what was bothering him. It was something about a grad school friend and a lie slash roomer and the end of a relationship and what not. And like most of our conversations more so the resent ones we talked about why we are not dating and the different approaches to him finding a boy friend.

Everyone just wants to be friends and nothing more. I get to know them as a friend be fore I decide to date them and then they always say “i don't want to ruin the friendship.” I wonder why don't they just take the risk.

Being drunk I did not hesitate in my response. I told him stop being out to make friends and look to find a boyfriend. He allows people to become comfortable with friendship and bla bla bla you know where I am going.

He stepped out side and I found a guy to flirt with. This was funnie. I stepped in because it was loud and I wanted to hear what he had to say. He immediately began caressing my body. I was wearing my favorite jeans that make my ass look way great how any guy gay or straight would want an ass to be and a small t shirt that said “Keep staring I might do a trick.” I was drunk and feeling sexy. The guy was some nerd who I thought in a odd sort of way was kind of cute. After only exchanging about 2 sentences he raised his head quite suavely to initiate a kiss. I simply began talking again. He asked what I was drinking and I told him. You would think he would offer to buy me another. Na his conversation skills lacked as well. He would talk and I would lean in to catch what he said and bore I could stand straight again he would motion for a kiss. After his blatant attempted where he almost stood up to try and reach my mouth I hurried to my drink, finished the last drop and told him it was time I rejoined my friends up stares. Poor bloke had very little looks, no game, and poor conversation ability. I could have called him out the many times he tried to kiss me or took the dominate roll and been forceful to get what I wanted but it was not worth the energy and I didn't have a decent audience.

Back up stairs to dance a little I told Dawane to text me when he got back in. It was cute watching my friend RJ get hit on by a really cute guy and then get his number. I can remember a time I would feel a little jealousy but lately I've just been really happy for the other person.

Dawane did text me and back down to my favorite bar. I went back to flirting with the new bartender. He was cute but a total bottom. Dawane started with I don't understand why you wont date me. Being even more drunk I tried to explain I didn't find him attractive that the physical was important to me and I could only ever see him as a friend that the love I have growing between us is like that of a cousin, and you simply don't date your cousin. He accepted it but wasn't happy.

Then these two hot guys walk in with one guy that kinda looked like a chocolate Yoda. Its cool I told him about it. I asked if the two hot guys were dating. The response was priceless. One said no the other I don't know. The I don't know was the one I wanted. We began talking about random stuff. I know body hair and light beer were topics. The more I talked to him the more like a straight guy he appeared and the more I was attracted. So I asked about the “I don't know.” he explained how they are just friends but he wanted more. Yes the were having sex and it was good. He even told me he was mostly top. I tried to assert I was interested but he was to hung up on “I Don't Know” that is quite a significant phrase by the way. When I asked “i don know” name Mike, my new friend, said Josh I retorted with wow not only dose he look like my ex but same name. Then he said “no no his name is Aron sorry got my Jews confused.” I laughed so hard I almost fell of the stool. Dawane was having a merry time talking to some guy he just met and Aron was talking to the chocolate Yoda.

So Mike Funny, Masculine, has body hair, a decent hight, and a top. What was the problem Aron of course. I could not see myself trying to chase after a guy who is chasing something he cant have. It would appear its a trap decent gay men get ensnared in quite frequently. I too have been their more than once. I put my self out there and Aron saw it. I knew right away Aron would never go for Mike. Aron wanted to see Mike move on. I then became the center of attention as Aron and Yoda joined me and Mike's conversation. Aron was into Yoda but Yoda was to drunk to notice. By the way I am on my third Kamikaze.

I looked over to notice Dawane walking of with his new friend about five minutes later Aron walks away. I am sitting her holding court pretty much. I was talking for a good while that I was not going to get anything out of Mike and I should return to my real friends up stares.

I was now fully drunk and did not care. I was moving my hips shaking my ass and content that I was doing it by my self. Then Dawane finds me and starts dancing with me. Before I knew it I was of the ground and bobbing up and down. My face had to have an expression of death. Not only did my best friend stop dancing and get ready to kick ass but the bouncer started in as well. He put me down but my pack of smokes was never the same.

Like always around 2:00 their was a moment of mutual boredom and we decided to cut out. I learned a lot that night about myself and others but thats my next blog because this one is mad long.

(I know there are technical errors in this but thats cuse I said fuck it)

Just Love

I know that at some point I will overdo it but understanding love is one of life's greatest lessons. From the time we are young we are convinced we love mommy because she loves us and she shows this by doing the things we need her to do. We then learn that another sign of her love is discipline she implements ways to show and tell us what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptably in the real world. At some point we stop thinking of her as a bitch for all the grounding and yelling and appreciate her for showing that she wants the best for us, mom's wants us to lead happy lives.

That is the lesson we learn from day one how to show and love your family. But how do we show and know we are in love with non-family. With our friends its easy in our minds we simply adopt them as family. We introduce them to our mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and extend family when appropriate. But then there is that “New Love” the love that is not there from day one the love that we never expected would just bite us in the ass. When we feel it and express to others that we are experiencing a new feeling we are asked if its infatuation. Mom will tell you “it is just infatuation your too young to know what love is.” but we know how to love Mommy we know how to love dad, grandma, grandpa and them other niggas we call family. Why is it we cannot tell the difference between love and infatuation right way, why can’t we learn those feelings from day one?

Why is it that some people marry their high school sweetheart while some never even have one. Why do some people go to college and meet their first husband when others jump from guy to guy never being serious. We go through middle school feeling horny for someone to touch us in that spot and we get to high school and many of us feel how good it is to be touched and then we know sex is good. We know the difference between just wanting sex and wanting to spend time with someone. But we still have to learn what love is.

Then the day comes when you become confused. You don't know if all you want is sex or more. If it is love for the first time of infatuation for the first time. Then there is that moment when you touch and you know you have a chance to walk away or go along for the ride. You know your heart is pumping and you start to sweat a little. You decide to go along for the ride and the whole roller coaster hurts and tickles. It makes you laugh and cry, hungry and full. There are times you cannot stop eating and times you fell you could go days without ever taking another bite. You want to call them but don't want to be over bearing you think about every action before you make a move. You’re in real love for the first time.

A very small select few marry their first loves others such as myself lose them. Most times it is no fault of our own. Sometimes they realize they could never feel the same way about us as we feel about them, sometimes they are in love with someone else, the scars of previous relationships prevent them from being happy, other times it’s just not meant to be. Family or background differences, religious and social beliefs are all the things we learn that will get in the way of love. Sometimes lack of experience will ruin what appears to be the perfect relationship and too much experience can do the same.

My point to all of this as we all have herd before “it’s better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all” however you must remember one lost love is not the end of the world playing the field is hard and can get old quite fast but just like the first time you fell in love you were not looking for it, it found you.