2008 brought many of the things that I was hoping it would within the first two months. It even brought me some things that I had not planned on getting. Yes I started the year out hoping for the same things like everyone else, that my family and friends would have a happy year, especially my mother, sister, Jayson and aunt LAB. Those people I was hoping that they would get whatever they needed to be happy.
It would appear all but two fell in love or regained a love they once had. I fell in love with Mr. MeTo. Britt fell for a guy named Jim at school and my mother and stepfather decided to really work things out and put the divorce on hold.
It is strange being in a house where everyone used to be sick of each other, but are now giddy with love, and is sharing it with each other. Anyone who knows what kind of child hood and coming out I have had understands.
A few weeks ago I explained to MeTo about my one time obsession with Sex and the City and why I moved to NYC. I then recently found the need to watch the rest of season six, and so I bought it, both parts. The past three days have been nothing but SATC and MeTo even downloaded the extended version of the movie for me. Needless to say, I have officially seen every episode and the complete movie.
I have to wonder what I do now I would watch SATC to escape from my own single life and now I have no escape. To be quite honest I have no single life, all my friends make fun and say that I am enjoying married life and that I have found the one. While this is something that I have longed for, ever since I came out of the closet I can't help but wonder, am I ready?
The say the moment you are in a relationship is when all the guys you were once interested in become interested in you, and then some. I have found this to be 100% true. It was not long before I got a call from demean and bumped into Ramón. Damian sounded quite happy that he got me on the phone and wanted to catch up like we once used to do, but I could tell there was an ulterior motive, becase soon into the conversation he asked about my love life, which he never asked about before. When I told him he lived in New Jersey, the same state as Damien, he became jealous and tried to cover it up with humor.
The conversation was over when I answered his question of "Are you happy?" with "yes, were in love." I have only hared from him once since then.
Then soon after my conversation with Damien I bumped into Ramón at Woody's. It was one of those moment that I was happy I had a nice outfit on despite my hair. Jay and I had just made up and he was having a bad day so he Tia and I went to Woody's for karaoke and a drink. By some kind of "fuck you" magic Ramón sent Jay a text and found out where we were. and soon after he arrived it was not long before I had to here about his boyfriend and then he began hitting on me like he normally dose. I reputedly gave sighs I was not interested but he, like always, took it for playing hard to get
It was not until I hit him seriously that he asked if I was seeing anyone, with pride I said yes. He wanted to know more so I told him all about him. How smart he was, and handsome and funny, and that I was head over heels. He quickly changed the subject.
Soon after it was Zack's 21st birthday party and the first time I had been to Wood's on a dance night, all year. MeTo was not having a good night so I went to dance with my friends. And before I knew it I was being grabbed and ground on by one ugly dude that would not realize I was not in the mood. The whole night I had guys waving to me and smiling. I even bumped into two guys the I slept with, Jim the therapist who helped me realize that I had at one time fallen in love with MR. M and Jerry who proved that guy who don’t offer what you want in the beginning, never will.
Aside from the two times that I went with Jay, I have not been in the gay scene like I once was. MeTo wanted to go out to a club this past Friday and so I went. We danced the night away and I found that having a boyfriend took away some of the power I once had at clubs. The few times that I was not with MeTo I realized how many people were staring at me. Some of the guys would stand less than a foot away and stare, I used to enjoy such attention and would smile at the cute guys and cringe at the not so cute ones. But now I just didn’t want to be bothered, or did I?
I love attention this is true. I love dancing with random guys and flirting, to do these things was my objective when I was single and out clubbing. I got bonus points if I got a guy to by me a drink or a phone number, which was not hard, if I really was in the mood. But now it's all different.
I not only have a boyfriend, I love my boyfriend. I can't flirt like I used to, its leads guys to believe I am not single, dancing with guys I don’t know is out of the question, and phone numbers and drinks is just wrong in everyone's eyes. So now I go out to enjoy only my friends or my boyfriend. And while the idea sounds great to actually execute it feels, not me.
I don’t want to be single again, I am happy with the man I have, but why is it I look at other guys and get the urge to flirt and for some have a fling. Compared to some I have been around the block while to others I am almost a virgin.
I think while I am happy to be where I am at its ok to miss where I used to be so long as I don’t act on it. My past is a part of who I am and who I will become. While deleting my a4a profile was hard, for fear of what might happen in the future, but after thinking I realized that is not how Vixc B lives.
It took me a lot of heartache to get to the place I am at, while I did have some fun being single none it compares to what I have now. While it's not easy, unlike being single, it is worth it.
Vixc B
