31 July 2014

7 Fabulous Years and I NEVER Say Fabulous ;-)

It has been SEVEN years, July marked my seven year gay anniversary. What better way to celebrate than to stop and think about my gay past. The funny thing is that for seven years I have been looking for mister right and reading past post it is more than obvious after all my blog is mostly about gay dating.

When I think about it there are four guys maybe 5 that have been key players when it comes to my heart. I will not count Damian and Romone because the two of them never made me feel anything but anger and frustration all in all they represent the culmination of all the men I have ever dated. The obvious first two of course are Mister M and Doctor MeTo. Then I would honestly have to say that J.R. and Mister Cocky had a big roll although short. If I had to choose a number 5 while Louise was a big part of my life he did become a great friend and the fact that we dated only strengthened our friendship we are goes to Mister Wonderful.

These five men came into my life and each one I was hoping and praying would be the end all be all. The man to sweep me off my feet and show that a gay happily ever after was possible.
To recap and in order. Mister M at first was not over his ex, so we broke up and remained friends. The friendship morphed into something without explanation the moment he moved to Philadelphia and we started sleeping together. He was unsure of what he wanted but he expressed on several occasions that it was not a relationship with me despite the fact that he thought quite highly of me. Ultimately after watching as he made poor choices as far as who to date and finally moving to Las Vegas we made peace with our past and began trying to have a real friendship.

When we both became single and he started visiting Philly we fell into old habits. At a distance we were great friends who could talk about anything but put us in the same room alone, it was only a matter of time before clothes came off. Things were good except M’s biggest problem was the fact that he was so critical of me, always judging before having all of the facts. Yes we were friends but with almost 3000 miles between us there was quite a bit that he did not know about me. It was not until almost a month later that he got wind of my attempted suicide.

Things finally went full circle after I visited him in Vegas. I finally understood why he kept contact with me for so many years and while it hurt, I knew it was the case all along I just had refused to accept it for the fact that it seemed a bit conceded on my part. M saw me as the perfect boyfriend but he wanted to enhance things about me however no matter how much better I got I was never perfect and so he never wanted to date me again. Our last fight was over how he viewed me and that I was tired of being criticized by him. I silently backed away and we keep communication to a minimum.

The day came when I came oh so close to that dream of a house with kids and a husband. Doctor Meto and I were not attracted to one another at first but we gave it a chance and before we knew it we were in love, celebrating every mile stone and delighting in the personal achievements of one another it was the stuff that a good gay fairytale are made of and all who knew us, straight and gay, were envious. We were it, two people who were head over heels in love and we refused to take it for granted. So then what the hell happened to make it end? Reality.

The reality that no one is perfect and no one has a perfect past. I was a man who was trying to figure things out on my own. I took risk and had to pay the price. Meto played it safe and had parents who were there to back him up. While he was six months older he was stuck at the age of 14 while I was constantly getting older and seeking FULL independence.

It was my low self-esteem that drove me away the first time, it was love that made me go back and it was the acquisition of high self-esteem, the realization of the value in what I had to offer and seeing MeTo for what he really was that finally drove me away. When I asked him to prove me wrong, over and over he affirmed what I already knew to be true, he loved his bank account first, then himself, then his family, then career and finally the person he was sleeping with. If I am wrong then why is he still single?

J.R, was the sexy guy who came into Starbucks while I was working there. Several flirts and a party later we were lipped locked, for a split second we stopped caring that I was engaged to someone else. A new hairstyle and a moth later I was single and he was jobless. I quickly became tired of late nights out with his friends at the same bars and watching him get blackout drunk. He must have taken notice because soon he was distant and then telling me he was sleeping with someone. All the promises he made me were out the window.

Mister Wonderful was almost that, the only relationship that I am completely to blame for its destruction. Mister Wonderful was the first and only guy that I met on Grindr where it turned into a relationship. While a few years older he was attractive in every way a man could be and I saw that I could fall in love with him. I however was holding out hope for MeTo. When I got the text message that I needed to move I reacted poorly and broke up with Mister Wonderful. Still depressed several hours later I slept with a friend of mine and when asked by Wonderful I told him what had happened he was crushed to hear that I did something so beneath me. He knew my situation and felt that I could have handled it better. In his mind we were meant to be but my actions showed him a person he was not sure he could be with.

Mister Cocky may take the prize as the worst person I ever dated. We met at Nordstrom and everyone suspected he was gay but no one knew for sure. It was his last week and I was flirting with him and suggested that we should hang out, we exchanged numbers and on my way home we started texting and it was soon clear that not only was he a Bisexual but he was also extremely interested in me.
It was not long before we started dating and things soon got interesting. We had one fight and the next day he became distant and when we had another fight about him being distant all week he told me he cheated on me, then he told me he was paying the price because he might be losing a testicle, then a few days later he tells me that he need to take some time because some girl who was pregnant with his baby had an abortion.

It was becoming too much. This short closeted, white, Pepsi drinking, republican had given me more than enough reason to walk away. When I told my friends at work that he cheated on me they all told me to dump him when the herd the rest they said the best way to do it was to just not talk to him.

One day at work I was fed up, several promises to meet up and constantly changing plans or avoiding the topic later, I ended it. He convinced me to meet up and a day later we did, only to get back together. He was honestly an ass hole I had to take the train to see him and although he was going my way I had to take the train home. He claimed I was the one but he played a game of push and pull with my heart, he claimed he wanted to marry me, take me to Florida, that he had looked at engagement rings, bought me a build a bear, but then cheated on me, criticized me, and then while taking time to figure things out he starts a relationship with someone else and all the while telling me how much he still loves me and doesn’t like hearing that I am dating other men.

The day came where he wanted to meet as friends in the Gayborhood after I got off work, I then got a text from him saying he could not wait and that he was going without me. He then asked if I knew of a place where he could get his butt hole played with and I told him to never contact me again, I don’t associate with such places or the people who frequent them.

Mister M is still living in Vegas and trying to figure things out. Last I heard he was thinking about maybe moving back to the east coast or changing jobs. I think it is safe to say the most we shall eve be is just friends.

Doctor MeTo, went back to school to get his master’s in education he lives in Brooklyn with his grandmother and has since decided to stop talking to me. After several past attempts to be friends or reconcile it is safe to say that this story has officially ended most abruptly and unpoetically.

J.R. is still going to the same bars with the same people and living in the same part of town. I got word that he found a new job that is par with his last one.

The last I heard Mister Wonderful has a new job that has him jumping back and forth from coast to coast. He has pretty much married his job.

As for Mister Cocky I finally got the truth as to why he transferred stores and only confirmed the fact that I need not ever speak to him again.

As for me, well, I have learned how to enjoy being single. I have found several project to focus my attention on. I have made a solid group of friends Jaiye, Nikki, and even some new ones that I have really gotten close to. My depression is well under control despite helping my mother through her second round of breast cancer. I have two godchildren and live to put it simply, is Fabulous and I never say fabulous.