Get Over Your Crush
Jaimie E
Knowing when it's time to back off your crush
I know it’ll never happen. In my logical, levelheaded cranium, I know that my feelings for her will never be reciprocated. But no matter how many times I’ve said it to myself, my illogical, unreasonable heart still holds onto the empty hope that it isn’t true—that one day, she’ll tell me that’s it my faith that was right, not my brain. And even though the likelihood of that sentiment ever being shared is equivalent to that of Britney Spears legitimately making a successful “comeback,” I’m still there, holding on, waiting to fall.
I guess that’s why they call it a crush.
Though my crush on one of my closest college friends didn’t develop until she made the rather surprising first move, it was in the moment of that kiss that I realized I’d had feelings for her for a couple of years. And when she left later that night, I thought it would work out. But, I should have known nothing’s that easy.
After a series of Shakespeare-length passive-aggressive emails were exchanged, she finally said that what happened between us was a mistake. I couldn’t understand how something that seemed to feel right could have been wrong in her mind and the complete opposite in mine, but nevertheless, this was how she felt. And there was nothing I could do to change that.
Ever since, I’ve held onto that night—thinking she was “scared,” didn’t want to ruin our friendship, or any of the other textbook excuses one gives when explaining to his/herself why someone you have feelings for isn’t feeling the same. I interpret the possible meanings of dinners, touches, trips to the movies, texts, etc. in instead of there actual meaning. But the truth of the matter is, she just doesn’t feel the same way.
And I guess I have to learn to accept it.
To me, the term crush is painfully accurate— when you’re into someone so much that they’re on your mind all the time, only to find out that you barely ping on their Daily-Thought-O-Meter, it feels like someone ripped out your heart, stomped on it a little, then made a smoothie out of it and threw it in the garbage. Basically, you feel like unadulterated crap.
But, unfortunately, for many, the crap factor is even greater when they realize how much time they spent with their head in the clouds, doodling on a notebook, checking myYearbook profile pages, and talking everyone else’s ears off over some guy or girl who doesn’t really care all that much about you. It’s sad, but true. No matter how much you’ve seen or heard the tales of unrequited love in movies, TV shows, depressing songs, and the lives of those around you, when it comes to your crush, the blinders take over. You ignore the fact that you’re always the one making the phone calls or sending the texts; that s/he always seem to be busy when you extend an invite to hang out; that you’re the one asking all the questions when you are together, while s/he continues to check his/her phone/watch and gives you monosyllabic answers; that cancellations of your plans are far too common; and that some other friends conveniently join you when you’re supposed to be spending quality time together. Although logically you know that all these situations are serious indications that you need to get out now, “crush” you has no idea of the agonizing truth that’s right in front of you and continues to try to win him/her over—only to lead to more heartache, pain, and humiliation.
“Don’t try to ‘make’ someone like you,” explains PBS Kids. “When a crush doesn't return our feelings, it's easy to think we can fix it. If that involves trying to be someone you're not, or acting the way you think your crush likes people to act, you're not being true to yourself…and probably just making things worse. In the end, the best thing to do is respect his or her feelings,” even if they’re not the same as yours. The desperation act is not a pretty one—save yourself the embarrassment. Obviously, it’s not always that cut and dry, but do you really want to be with someone you can’t be yourself around? A relationship based on lies isn’t going to go anywhere fast but downhill. You need to recognize the signs that Sex and the City made famous—“s/he’s just not that into you” and get over your crush.
1. First, remove your crush from that pedestal. You have an idealized version of this person in your head, formulated on wishful thinking and overly hopeful expectations. There’s no way s/he lives up to the ideal you’ve settled on so it’s time to face reality—s/he isn’t perfect. “You weren't actually in a relationship with this [person], so you didn't really get to experience the annoying things about him[/her]. Like how [s/]he checks out other [people] in front of you or how[s/]he thinks it's funny to let out a fart amidst a macking-session,” says Carina Kolodny for CosmoGIRL! “Because you don't have those experiences with him[/her], you start to think that those faults don't exist. ‘[S/]He could've been Mr[s]. Right.’ You idealize him[/her]. You make him[/her] perfect. Guess what? [S/]He WASN'T PERFECT. And if it didn't work out, [s/]he obviously wasn't Mr[s]. Right. [S/]He was just your ‘Mr[s]. Right Now.’” Sure, this person looked good on paper—maybe s/he was your physical ideal or seemed to laugh at all the same parts during your favorite Family Guy episode. But the truth of the matter is, if the sparks weren’t there on one end, it’s not actually meant to be. It’s not about the perfect person—it’s about the perfect person for you. Sometimes, in trying to move on, it helps to try to notice some of the things that you really don’t like about this person and try to think about those things more than the ones that lead you to place your crush so high.
2. Next, lose hope. Yes, it sounds sad, but hanging onto to anything that you can grasp as an indication that maybe you two will happen in the future is preventing you from moving on. “It’s hard. We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic,” explains He’s Just Not That Into You co-author, Liz Tuccillo. “Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first.” At the risk of being harsh, you need to let go of that ridiculous idea that “the universe” is keeping the two of you apart because as long as you feel that outside influences are preventing the relationship from happening, you’re just going to be waiting on “the universe.” In reality, however, the only force keeping the both of you apart was your crush. So by letting go of that idea and not waiting on “the universe,” you’re freeing yourself from that infatuation and the pain it caused.
3. Finally, focus your attention elsewhere. Do not spend time alone, dwelling on your situation. Spend time with friends or family and people who can help get your mind off of it. Sitting around will only lead to thoughts of negativity persisting and that’s not going to help you at all. You could be missing out on meeting someone else who actually could be better for you and reciprocate your feelings. “It's likely that there are many other people out there who are worth getting to know, and perhaps even more deserving of your feelings,” says PBS Kids. Instead of wasting more time on someone who isn’t into, give your time and attention to someone who is.
I know it’s all easier said than done, but the more you follow your head than your heart in these situations, the less likely you are to get hurt. I’ve tried not to be so analytical about every little thing my crush does or says—besides the fact that I realize it’s creepy, it also drives me borderline crazy. I’m learning to just let it go and instead of being hurt by the idea that she doesn’t feel the same, trying to be liberated by the idea that she’s just not that into me—and someone else might be.
