Problem On The Friendship Train

Life has a way of keeping your ass in check. The moment you begin to stray away from who you are and who you are meant to become shit begins to hit the fan. Having just figured this out and doing what I needed to do to get back on track I decided to start spending more time with my amazing group of friends.

This time with friends was also to be spent learning more about what other people think in regards to the lessons of life, and the most important lesson I recently learned is that most people hold the title of best friend with high regard and those who do not ever keep any friends for long.

Think of friendship like a modern day commuter train, you know like MTA or the SEPTA El. Each car is equipped with an engine, brakes, and the ability to be the head car. Friendship is just like that a bunch of train cars working together for a common goal. The goal is always to move forward and defective cars are removed while the others rotate positions.

I have said it before my friends are great but now we have noticed that there is a defective car and as I have been the leader car for a bit now I am beginning to doubt if keeping this car linked to the others is a good idea. All the other cars have complained about pulling this persons weight in regards to maintaining the friendly momentum that we have and as I am the oldest and I know this car better than the others all messages have come to me.

Now one would think that if your best friend comes to you and says, “hey the group feels you don’t take their friendship seriously and here is why,” that person would either explain themselves to the individuals who had a problem, or try to adjust the way he is projecting himself to others. Well after two serious conversations the problem persist and I was mad a promise that this friend would talk to the others to explain a misunderstanding. Weeks have past and no such conversation has taken place.

What does this mean? With this much time passing and tension building what can I “Big Sister” say to the others? There is not much. I love all my friends but this might be the time when my one friend will have to learn that when you try to be friends with everyone soon there will come a point when you realize you can depend on No One. 

Vixc B turns 27 - Part 1

My friends and I seem to always look forward to my birthday. For me it is my official New Year and for them it means a few nights of fun. This year with new roommates and new friends we all were wondering how things were going to go down.

My birthday landed on a Monday and so I decided to round up my friends and go to Tabu, it was karaoke night and my buddy was bartending. My roommate made me dinner and then it was off to Tabu. I arrived later than I planned on but all were happy to see me.

The plan was not to stay long because I was starting a new job in the morning. I ordered my first drink, Liquid Marijuana  and after taking my first sip the bartender looked at me and was unhappy with the presentation. It was quickly transferred to a larger cup that had blinking lights and he fixed it so the liquid level was equal to the rim of the glass. He then told me my first drink was on the house. Soon my roommate arrived with her boyfriend and without me knowing my next drink was paid for.  Icon signed us up to sing proud marry.

I was on my third drink when a charming man came up to me and began to flirt, before I knew it I was lip locked and when I turned to my right to get some air I was eye to eye with the Waiter. He wished me a happy birthday and smiled. I don’t know how my face registered but I know I was horrified. I had wanted to make out with him but someone beat him to the punch. I was tipsy and everything that I felt like doing was encouraged by everyone.

I went to go watch a few people sing and when I came back to the bar there were a ton of shots and the host told everyone to take a shot and sing happy birthday. I was floored, there were extras and so I had to take two. My roommates boyfriend, Mister Hawaii made it happen. I had no idea what time it was but I went to talk to the Waiter and I remember getting a kiss that knocked my socks off. Icon and I got up to sing Proud Marry and I knew I was drunk. I could not keep up and where I am normally the lead I was depending on Icon.

After proud marry I was ready to go home, we were supposed to move to woody’s but Tabu just kept escalating. I arrived home and went to bed only to awake still drunk. I called HR and told them I was extremely ill and my orientation was rescheduled.

I slept it off and later decided to go get some air. I was sure my class at temple started the 2^nd but after arriving I noticed that it was scheduled for the 9^th. I called Tammy and met him at his job. Then it was to Tabu with Icon and Phyllis for tacos. I called it an early night and went home to work on my blog.

I decided to go spend some time with my mother on Wednesday and we had a good time just hanging out. Then we went to see my aunt who was having here kitchen redone and that is where I met an old high school sweet heart of my mother’s. He was not as attractive as I thought he would be but he sure was charming and managed to hold my mother’s attention.

I talked briefly about converting with my cousin and I had to tell here I am not telling my mother due to the fact it would cause here to kill me. It just might be worse than when I told her I was gay.

 

At home my roommate had friends over and I joined in on the cheese and drinks. Before I knew it I was floating up to bed. 

Again With The Jew Thing?

Like most people, when tragedy strikes they turn to their religion. I had talked about the whole conversion thing and even started adopting certain practices but as far as attending Shabbat services or really trying to get involved in a synagogue, I was a bad Jew. 

Technically I am not Jewish, by definition I am a Christian man who can speak Yiddish and loves all things Jewish, up to and including the men.  I had been trying to communicate with G-d recently because I honestly felt I could hear him calling me. Yeah like in the stories of the bible when they really think they can hear someone calling their name.

I would find myself out and could clearly recognize someone calling my name. I would turn around and unable to recognize anyone I would go about my business. This kept happening almost everywhere I went, until finally one night on the trolley coming home I stopped and began to pray. My head and heart was so corrupt that I could not make out what G-d was trying to tell me. I knew what I had to do, I had to begin praying on the regular, I had to fast and had to do something to show G-d I was honestly sorry for the plethora of sins that had recently went down.

Then the whole drama started and I lost sight yet again. However I soon became desperate and turned to G-d. Unlike the last time when I found myself heartbroken, I was not asking G-d to take the pain away but to help me in preventing it from happening again.

I finally did it, I called Rodeph Shalom but I got no answer. I decided since Passover was about to commence I would take the day before it and fast no solid foods just coffee and water. It was at work that I knew I was making the right choice. Now that MeTo was not talking with me I had no one to celebrate Jewish holidays with and it hurt. The first two nights of Passover my job had a Passover menu and I watched as happy Jewish families, and couples, came in to dine on modern takes of traditional Pesach classics. I was now more determined than ever.

The next day I called and made an appointment to speak with a Rabbi about converting. With excitement I went to RS and sat with a rabbi and we talked about all the reasons for me converting and what it required. I came prepared having been reading books on Judaism and constantly praying I am quite sure it was written all over my face that I was serious.

I signed up for the first of two classes that I am going to take and I was sent on my way. I called Aunt C and told here the good news. It cut deep when she said she thought the good news was MeTo and I getting back together.

All through Passover the news spread and I was getting congratulated, even my Jewish boss found out and after a few jokes he welcomed me to the tribe. I desperately wanted to call MeTo and tell him the news but that was not a possibility.

I adhered as best I could to the dietary laws of Passover and even made my own matzo. My roommates loved it. I called my ex father in-law to wish him happy Passover and he wished my family and I happy Easter I wanted to tell him I was converting but figured I would wait till a better time. We caught up and I left out the bits about how his son broke my heart yet again.

Easter came and I got a text from MeTo wishing me happy Passover and Easter and that he needed more time. I simply said thanks and left it at that.

When the last of my friends heard that I was taking serious steps to convert and that I was dealing with drama with MeTo they all looked at me with hopeful eyes. They did not say it but I knew what they were thinking. So to ease the tension I did what Jews do best, I cracked a joke. 

April 8 is Yom HaShoah

Yom HaShoah is Holocaust Remembrance Day, when we honor these survivors who have suffered so much, we honor the families lost, and vow it can never happen again. I invite you to light a candle of remembrance to honor their memory,

Waiting For Him To Develop

The other day when my sister called me to wish me a Happy Birthday we got to talking about a certain guy she likes and whom clearly likes her. The thing is he is younger and she made a profound statement, “I am sure he is the one but I think I just have to wait for him to grow up.” It made me think, “Is that what we are required to do when we find the one, Wait?”

It is common knowledge that men mature slower than women and some men mature faster than others. I look at my mother and she also is waiting for a man to grow up. It seems no matter how old you are if there is a man involved there is a maturity curve that requires waiting out.

I look at my past relationships and it would seem a big flaw of mine is my inability to wait. I have the same notion that a lot of women have. I want to meet the right guy fall in love and get married. I want to know fro day one that we are on the same page and I want to see that things are moving in the right direction. The moment that it seems the relationship is not going to turn serious or that it looks like it will be years before the talk of marriage will come up I bale. Patience is a virtue. I look at the past few guys who I honestly thought could have been the one, the 21 year old, Mister M, Mister Wonderful and Doctor MeTo and they all required that I be patient.

I had to wait for the 21 Year old to mature, Mister M to make up his mind, Mister Wonderful to have more time, and MeTo to finish school. However in my mind the clock is ticking and after waiting years for many men in my life I continually convince myself that a guy who wants me will make it clear he wants me for life and show it even if we are not yet talking marriage. 

I guess the biggest question that must be asked is, “How do you know a man is worth waiting for?” if I knew the answer to that I would not be single. Yet still I would imagine it is all in how he makes you feel and have that conversation about what you and he wants out of life. If you want the same things and you can see yourself falling in love give him the time and take your time. Enjoy what time you spend together and remember there should be specific things that you are sure he is capable of that your reasons for waiting are. Waiting for a man to change is never a good idea but waiting for him to develop more into the man that you see before you can never be wrong. I wish to G-d someone gave me this advice 4 years ago. 

There is More To Passover!

I was reading about the Jewish holidays and I was shocked to learn that Passover is more than observing rituals it is about becoming self-aware and moving past things that have hindered you. All of Passover I was dealing with a broken heart and took the time to evaluate how I continually allow this to happen and have allowed my heart to hinder me from living the life that I should.

Well it is no secret of what I have learned and how I am trying to keep my heart from taking over my life. The leading men have all found ways to leave permanent marks on my heart and the most important thing that has happened, Mister M.

The other day I was sending a pic, that I recently took of myself, to some friends and was about to not send it to Mister M when I realized I was not looking for his approval or for him to call me sexy or attractive just for him, like all my other friends, to see the pic.

Mister M is now just a friend because I took the time to put my heart in check. No matter what emotion I am feeling I am able to stop and think now. Where I used to allow my heart to take action I can now breathe and think and act in ways that I will not latter regret.

While Passover is a wonderful time to spend eating with family and remembering what happened in Egypt so many years ago, the cool part is that there is still an applicable aspect to it for today. While I may always be in my head and trying to tweak myself here and there, Passover is a time when Jews are to look over their lives and examine what is holding them back, what are they being a slave too. This Passover I did just that. I am enjoying learning how to be a better Jew because in all honesty it is making me a better person.