So today is spirit day and wearing the purple and hear about all the people who committed suicide only reminded me of my family and what it was like growing up as a gay teen and not being allowed to tell anyone. The one person that knew, who was a family member took advantage of the situation and caused only greater heartache.
So much of my child hood is hidden away in secrets. Things I have done, seen, people I have spoke too. I hate looking back to the day when I was young pretending I was going to do things that I could see would never happen.
I told everyone I wanted to be a doctor and pastor. It made everyone happy especially my mother and grandmother. My tutors thought it was such a noble goal. I wanted nothing more than to tell them there was a good chance it would never happen. I grew up in a family and church the condemned people for being gay. Gay acts sent people to hell I was told, it seemed that to be gay was worse than an alcoholic, prostitute, drug dealer, rapist.
It seemed when ever my mother of grandmother hear anything relating to gay they would start quoting the bible and talking about how gay were going to hell. It was hard to hear knowing that while I was trying to make it go away it was very much a part of my life.
In the forth grad kids began teasing me, calling me gay and other horrible things. I dealt with it daily and by the time I was in sixth grade it was made quite clear that I did not fit in anywhere. I wanted to end it all. My home life was terrible with my mother and stepfather always fighting, my stepfather made it clear he did not like me and my mother did little to show she cared. At school I was picked on endlessly and got into fights. No one was on my side I felt. My mother would tell me to ignore them or try to be more like them which only got me into more trouble.
I began thinking about suicide and I grew up hearing how that was a sin and one way ticket to hell. I felt so trapped. I began asking my mother about technicalities as far as being gay and suicide were concerned and she made it clear there were no outs for me.
My life became an unfocused one of fasting and praying, trying to fit in, do my homework alone, or at my after school program, trying to avoid my stepfathers rage, and trying to hide the fact I was gay.
One morning I was scolded for being pricey by my mother, she told me thats why my stepfather and I did not get along.
I then went to my school counselor and told her I wanted to die. I had it and before I knew it she was asking questions about why and how. The fact I was thinking about suicide was already privileged information and I told here it was because of home. My mother found out and told me to stop seeking attention.
I felt I could trust no one. The day came when I could not take it any more and I tried to move out. My mother fought with me but I was 19 and managed to break free. I lived alone for a year and after awhile I was dating men and I had gay friends. I went to my first gay club and realized that things were not as sinful as my mother said.
At the end of the year I decided to move back home to save money. My mother could tell I changed and was not nice to me. My stepfather was however and our relationship was on the mend. It was not long but I fell in love with a guy and my mother came right out and asked if I was gay. At first I said no but I thought about it and later told her I was. She kicked my out and I began telling everyone. I was shocked that all my friends were so excepting. They told me they loved me and many said they already knew but wanted to give me time.
I felt free although my mother and grandmother were outraged. My friends were there for me and then I made new friend who showed me what the gay life was like fore them. There were night of crazy parties and quiet evenings out to dinner. I did all the things I used to do and more except now I was happy there was no more brick walls keeping people out.
Coming out at 21 was a lot easier than coming out before I was 18. school was tough as a kid and being openly gay may have made it worse not sure and I cant say for sure. There are times I think about it and being openly gay would have gave them one less thing tease me about.
I look at my life now, I am engaged and happy, my life is finally coming together and I have met some extraordinary people. The point of it all is I made it through the rough times of having that secret and being so worried about my mother. She still hasn't accepted me and her whole family probably didn't acknowledge today.
As for that family member he is not nearly as happy as I am, non of those family members are I knew because although I was the black sheep they all confided in me.
In closing I simply want to say that homosexuality is not easy to deal with at any age and being a teen is tough enough. I can only Imagen what it is like to come out and still be picked on mercilessly. What has happened is heart wrenching to hear about parents who lost their children its not fair. Everyone agrees there is nothing worse than burring a child. What do we, the roll models of our children, do to encourage them to life each other up. How are we setting an example with our actions, that we want them to better not simply because we want them to but because they can.
If just one person came to me and told me to be myself no matter what when I was a child, told me that they had my back as long as I was trying to make the world a better place in some small way I would have felt the need to lie a lot less. The fact remains every gay person I have ever met has admited that the now has mad the past so worth it.
