It has come to my attention quite recently that I have not written a clear post dedicated to one of the most dreaded things in both the indigo world but also the regular world. It is a topic that books have been written about, it’s a topic that has sold many magazines and it is the reason we hang on to so many of our friends. The topic is none other than, breaking up.
My sister brought it to my attention and as she and I are so close and have shared information concerning most if not all of our past break up I feel its time I finally write one to help her out. No she is not about to break up but simply talk about it for school.
For some breaking up can be easy while for others it is never easy. Some find a 50/50 split while other look at breaking up as playing roulette. To be honest, no matter how cold hearted you may act; there is no such thing as an easy break up.
When I first started to seriously date, the one thing I hated about breaking up was hurting the other person. Many of two week relationships and I decided to stop looking and take a break. Then I started finding men who I thought would make great boyfriends and maybe end up being the one. Only they never wanted anything serious.
Then it became a life of swinging form on type of relationship to the next and that was when I made the promise to myself. I promised that if I ever found a guy who lasted more than two weeks I would come out of the closet. Shortly after my 21st birthday I met Mr. M. I didn’t know it at the time but the worse and longest breakup that I would ever face was only around the corner.
The break up took only five weeks after the day we met, to come about. It was a quick phone call that ended like many of my other break ups, "let's stay friends."
Well we stayed friends and I was more attached than ever. I didn’t want to admit it but I had fallen in love, and I was also shocked because no one had ever broken up with me. You truly don’t know what it feels like to break up until you experience it from both sides.
I had dated but chose to never give my heart unless I knew that without a doubt they would not break it. I dated others but found that after Mr. M moved to the Philadelphia area I made myself readily available. To the point, I missed a friend's birthday party to help him move, then we ended up sleeping together on more than one occasion and it was almost never inishiated by me.
Many times after a major break up one can allow themselves to get so low that they actually become a door mate for the very person that hurt them. After several months I realized what I was doing, I was hurt and angry and turning my anger inward. When I stopped to truly analyze my feeling, is when it all stopped. I had to realize I was not Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. M was not my Mr. Big. I began to analyze my feelings to see how it was actually affecting me.
I had an unhealthy friendship with the man who broke my heart. I was angry that I allowed this to happen. I was angry with him because while I was honest with how I felt, he seemed to just take advantage. I eventually cut him off and began the true break up recovery process.
Some say it takes half the time you were dating to get over someone. In many cases, I have found that to be true. While many of my two-week relationships took only a week to get over there were a few that took a little more or a little less. By this rule, however I should have been over Mr. M in two weeks and a half. Had we just parted ways it probably would have. But adding friendship right away, can and did in many ways complicate things and sent mixed signals.
Just like in relationships, breakups have different emotions. There is no science as to which emotions you will go through. It will all depend on the people involved, the relationship, and how much you had invested. You will typically experience, anger, sadness, and indifference. I have found during any of these emotions is the wrong time to have contact with your ex.
During you time of anger you could say some hurtful things and ruin any chances at a friendship. Sadness can cause false sympathy and lead to getting into a dangerously unhealthy situation for both parties. You could end up having sex which is not good because that will send your head and heart into a whirlwind of bad emotions and thoughts, you can end up back together knowing that one is unhappy and doing it only to draw out what should have taken much less time.
Indifference can make you curious as to why you don’t have any feelings and can make you force yourself to feel things you really don’t feel towards that person. Many times your indifference is caused by a multitude of feelings and your heart and head are just not ready to settle down and deal with each one individually. Finally many times after you have dealt with all the emotions indifference comes about to simply let things settle. It is only after you have given your mind and heart proper time to adjust and recover from all the thoughts and emotions you have been going through that you can make an educated decision as to if friendship can honestly be an option.
You may think that the person who gets dumped is the only one who goes through such an emotional rollercoaster but the dumber also goes through one. The person who doses the dumping typically rides most of the rollercoaster before deciding it's over and walking away. It’s the same emotions and depending on the one felt last, determines the type of breakup you get.
I said break ups are never easy, and for the most part this is true. There are those rare occasions where both parties realize that the relationship is not working and you have already begun being friends, those are the only easy ones, other than that it's all emotions for both sides.
This is breaking up 101, you may wonder how you can spot one coming and that is another area in which I am well versed, but that is another blog post. until then Keep coming back to read whats new in My Indigo Life.
Vixc B
28 January 2009
26 January 2009
An Emotional Rollercoaster of Heart
I have always had a hard time hiding my feeling from those that love me and it is next to imposable to hide what I am feeling when I don’t know what I am feeling or why I am feeling it.
Wednesday proved to be a day in which MeTo and I came quite physically close. I don’t think I have ever gotten close to someone like that who was not just a friend or family member. It kind of scared me, it kind of made me happy, it kind of left me limbo.
I have always been a guy so in touch with my feelings that I know when a guy is wasting my time, I always could tell if the possibility to fall in love was there after week one. And while at times I have seen that I could fall more times than not then chose not to, didn’t want to, or simply wanted something not serious with me. I had a long string of men who just broke my heart, wasted my time or chipped a small part of my self esteem away.
Thanks to my friends, things were always repaired and thanks to Jay I learned many of my lessons faster because I hade some one to say “I told you so.”
But what is going on in my heart, why do I feel all kinds of emotions, and not have anyone or anything to direct them towards. The people in my life that matter are all doing much better now then they were a year ago. Jay, aunt LAB, my mother, Louise, even my sister who is trying to come into her own is doing it responsibly. Sure things could be better for me that will come with time.
People like me, and people open up to me, I have 3 people in my life that I can go to, to talk about anything and get advice. I have all the seeds for a happy life, I am happy.
Yesterday was the first time that I have looked or felt sad in months. I am trying to stay in control of my emotions but I think I have tried to control them so much that I have in fact lost control. I talked to my aunt LAB today and we discussed the Facebook message I got. A woman who was in the Air Force is looking for my dad to catch up. It was sad for me to inform her that my father was now dead. As much as the idea still breaks my heart it dose not explained the problem at hand.
After talking we figured that maybe it was just my life had a lot of high point, things are going well for me right now. I decided to leave it at that but the feeling still nagged. I wanted to call MeTo and tell him about it, the idea alone made me feel a little better and so it hit me, I miss my boyfriend.
In order for me to miss him this much had to have more of a reason than I just enjoy his company. I need to stop trying to control my emotions. Although I let them get the best of me in the past, I know how to act and not act on them irrationally now. I don’t need to convince myself that what I feel is only like, infatuation, or lust. I need to just go with it. But the fear still remains, what if get hurt again?
To help make this fear subside I confronted him. I told him that I was feeling a little . . . something. After talking I relized that while I feared being hurt I also feared hurting him. The conversation really helped to put things in perspective.
We talked about loving ourselves unconditionally. We talked about how we both really felt about each other, and that a relations can be as easy or as complicated as two people make it and things were easy, not because we were slacking or didn’t care. It was because we both were putting in what it takes to make it work.
After talking for a good while I realized that although I just saw him yesterday I really missed him and it was obvious he missed me to, I was trying to make my feelings something they weren’t. I got all my change together and saw that my change plus the green I had in my wallet was enough to go see him and still have enough to make it to all my interviews.
We had planned on seeing each other but I had told him the night before I didn’t have gas money. But after counting my change I packed my car and told him I was on my way we were chatting through aim but he used every known method to denote his excitement.
I wasted no time hopping in my car and taking off. What should have been a quick hour and 45 minute ride turned into an over 2 hour ride thanks to the stupid directions from Google maps. I eventually got there with the help of a random guy in the campus community center, a lady in housing and having him meet me at the community center.
We took a shower together, I ate some ziti he made the night before, we went all the way, he made dinner and after the monopoly game we went to bed. It was a perfect day and I knew that there was no way Mr. MeTo would ever be like Mr. M.
Wednesday proved to be a day in which MeTo and I came quite physically close. I don’t think I have ever gotten close to someone like that who was not just a friend or family member. It kind of scared me, it kind of made me happy, it kind of left me limbo.
I have always been a guy so in touch with my feelings that I know when a guy is wasting my time, I always could tell if the possibility to fall in love was there after week one. And while at times I have seen that I could fall more times than not then chose not to, didn’t want to, or simply wanted something not serious with me. I had a long string of men who just broke my heart, wasted my time or chipped a small part of my self esteem away.
Thanks to my friends, things were always repaired and thanks to Jay I learned many of my lessons faster because I hade some one to say “I told you so.”
But what is going on in my heart, why do I feel all kinds of emotions, and not have anyone or anything to direct them towards. The people in my life that matter are all doing much better now then they were a year ago. Jay, aunt LAB, my mother, Louise, even my sister who is trying to come into her own is doing it responsibly. Sure things could be better for me that will come with time.
People like me, and people open up to me, I have 3 people in my life that I can go to, to talk about anything and get advice. I have all the seeds for a happy life, I am happy.
Yesterday was the first time that I have looked or felt sad in months. I am trying to stay in control of my emotions but I think I have tried to control them so much that I have in fact lost control. I talked to my aunt LAB today and we discussed the Facebook message I got. A woman who was in the Air Force is looking for my dad to catch up. It was sad for me to inform her that my father was now dead. As much as the idea still breaks my heart it dose not explained the problem at hand.
After talking we figured that maybe it was just my life had a lot of high point, things are going well for me right now. I decided to leave it at that but the feeling still nagged. I wanted to call MeTo and tell him about it, the idea alone made me feel a little better and so it hit me, I miss my boyfriend.
In order for me to miss him this much had to have more of a reason than I just enjoy his company. I need to stop trying to control my emotions. Although I let them get the best of me in the past, I know how to act and not act on them irrationally now. I don’t need to convince myself that what I feel is only like, infatuation, or lust. I need to just go with it. But the fear still remains, what if get hurt again?
To help make this fear subside I confronted him. I told him that I was feeling a little . . . something. After talking I relized that while I feared being hurt I also feared hurting him. The conversation really helped to put things in perspective.
We talked about loving ourselves unconditionally. We talked about how we both really felt about each other, and that a relations can be as easy or as complicated as two people make it and things were easy, not because we were slacking or didn’t care. It was because we both were putting in what it takes to make it work.
After talking for a good while I realized that although I just saw him yesterday I really missed him and it was obvious he missed me to, I was trying to make my feelings something they weren’t. I got all my change together and saw that my change plus the green I had in my wallet was enough to go see him and still have enough to make it to all my interviews.
We had planned on seeing each other but I had told him the night before I didn’t have gas money. But after counting my change I packed my car and told him I was on my way we were chatting through aim but he used every known method to denote his excitement.
I wasted no time hopping in my car and taking off. What should have been a quick hour and 45 minute ride turned into an over 2 hour ride thanks to the stupid directions from Google maps. I eventually got there with the help of a random guy in the campus community center, a lady in housing and having him meet me at the community center.
We took a shower together, I ate some ziti he made the night before, we went all the way, he made dinner and after the monopoly game we went to bed. It was a perfect day and I knew that there was no way Mr. MeTo would ever be like Mr. M.
25 January 2009
The 100th Post Is About Me, Vixc B.
For my 100th post I have decided to go a little more in depth about me.
So ok over this past year you, my readers have gotten to know me on quite an intimate level. You have read about break ups, random hookups, new men in my life, the loss of friends, the acquisition of new ones and me moving and experiencing new things. My life has not been a smooth one and although it is steadily getting better it is not going to get any more vanilla.
What makes me, me and the life I have what it is? To put it in a nut shell, a lot. I am influenced by all my surroundings and all the people in my life. Each person that I have ever mentioned in my life has contributed greatly to the person I am at this very moment.
A very important aspect of my personality is the fact that people like to talk to me. I am quite the listener and have come to be able to give good if not great advice. I don’t know what it is about me that make people open up but the truth of the matter is they just can’t help themselves.
It is rare that I go to someone to vent and talk about me; it’s only done when asked. This is why I have IndigoLife. It is the one place that I am allowed to fully express myself uninhibited. I can say what I please and writ what I was thinking and wanted to say when a certain situation came up in my life.
My friends and family are very important to me. Despite the pain that I have endured from so many of my family members I have learned that although I don’t get support in all I do many times their reactions are simply honest reflections one what they think is the best for my life.
I am at a good point in my life while to look at my chaotic state with my debt, living with mom, you cant help but see that things are falling in place for my destiny.
I believe in Karma, not the traditional since but a more modern universal since. Every realign believes to some extent, you reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, you get out what you put in; treat others how you want to be treated. It is not a matter of religious belief, it’s a belief in the world that positive people have bad times but things end ultimately well, while negative people have good times, things ultimately end poorly.
Well I am a positive person and I am and had some pretty bad times, but look at my enthusiasm for life. While things get good in my eyes they get really bad and while to others things may look grim I am bouncing back at an alarming rate.
Recently I met a fantastic guy, almost too good to be true. I met Mr. MeTo online and we both can’t believe it is working out so well. So I not only have family who love me and friends who adore me but I also have one hell of a boyfriend.
Just this Friday I was offered an amazing job opportunity, so I can now add a good job to the list of things that I am grateful to God for.
As things are getting better and the leaves in my life are falling away while my branches are growing stronger, I must remember to stay humble and not count on all of this to steadfastly, because in the Indigo Life you never know what is around the corner.
Why did I pick Indigo? Contrary to what some people may think indigo is not my favorite color. To find out why I picked indigo, go back and read Hello Indigo. My favorite color is in fact a tie between Black and Red. I find them to be two strong colors that go well together and many other colors. Many of my friends have come to know me for my Black and White Checkers. I have a whole list of items that I want to own with heat print and most of them are clothing pieces.
My since of fashion is still in the developmental stages. I wear what I like and I am quickly leaning which of the things I like look good on me and which ones don’t. I pray that I will soon be able to go shopping and get things that truly look good on me.
Aside from what I have just mentioned there is no to much you need to know about me. I am growing like many males my age and I like to share my story with anyone who wants to listen. I also like to listen to others for there sake as well as mine.
Some people would say I am far more complex while my best friends would agree that this sums op Vixc (Vic) B in a nut shell.
So ok over this past year you, my readers have gotten to know me on quite an intimate level. You have read about break ups, random hookups, new men in my life, the loss of friends, the acquisition of new ones and me moving and experiencing new things. My life has not been a smooth one and although it is steadily getting better it is not going to get any more vanilla.
What makes me, me and the life I have what it is? To put it in a nut shell, a lot. I am influenced by all my surroundings and all the people in my life. Each person that I have ever mentioned in my life has contributed greatly to the person I am at this very moment.
A very important aspect of my personality is the fact that people like to talk to me. I am quite the listener and have come to be able to give good if not great advice. I don’t know what it is about me that make people open up but the truth of the matter is they just can’t help themselves.
It is rare that I go to someone to vent and talk about me; it’s only done when asked. This is why I have IndigoLife. It is the one place that I am allowed to fully express myself uninhibited. I can say what I please and writ what I was thinking and wanted to say when a certain situation came up in my life.
My friends and family are very important to me. Despite the pain that I have endured from so many of my family members I have learned that although I don’t get support in all I do many times their reactions are simply honest reflections one what they think is the best for my life.
I am at a good point in my life while to look at my chaotic state with my debt, living with mom, you cant help but see that things are falling in place for my destiny.
I believe in Karma, not the traditional since but a more modern universal since. Every realign believes to some extent, you reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, you get out what you put in; treat others how you want to be treated. It is not a matter of religious belief, it’s a belief in the world that positive people have bad times but things end ultimately well, while negative people have good times, things ultimately end poorly.
Well I am a positive person and I am and had some pretty bad times, but look at my enthusiasm for life. While things get good in my eyes they get really bad and while to others things may look grim I am bouncing back at an alarming rate.
Recently I met a fantastic guy, almost too good to be true. I met Mr. MeTo online and we both can’t believe it is working out so well. So I not only have family who love me and friends who adore me but I also have one hell of a boyfriend.
Just this Friday I was offered an amazing job opportunity, so I can now add a good job to the list of things that I am grateful to God for.
As things are getting better and the leaves in my life are falling away while my branches are growing stronger, I must remember to stay humble and not count on all of this to steadfastly, because in the Indigo Life you never know what is around the corner.
Why did I pick Indigo? Contrary to what some people may think indigo is not my favorite color. To find out why I picked indigo, go back and read Hello Indigo. My favorite color is in fact a tie between Black and Red. I find them to be two strong colors that go well together and many other colors. Many of my friends have come to know me for my Black and White Checkers. I have a whole list of items that I want to own with heat print and most of them are clothing pieces.
My since of fashion is still in the developmental stages. I wear what I like and I am quickly leaning which of the things I like look good on me and which ones don’t. I pray that I will soon be able to go shopping and get things that truly look good on me.
Aside from what I have just mentioned there is no to much you need to know about me. I am growing like many males my age and I like to share my story with anyone who wants to listen. I also like to listen to others for there sake as well as mine.
Some people would say I am far more complex while my best friends would agree that this sums op Vixc (Vic) B in a nut shell.
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