13 December 2008

Pissed !!!

(Please be aware that the following contains strong language and profanity. this post is a result of some repressed anger. if you are sensitive to terms that represent extreme hate, words that demean women and or you have thoughts or suicide, please do not read this post. Also be aware that the grammar of this post remains unedited for artistic reasons)

There are times when we are just angry with the world. Every now and then when we are is such a state it is for good reasons. I for have had to suffer not just my adult life but even as a kid. Trying to gain attention from my parents and the love of my stepfather. I to this day cannot give you a valid reason as to why my family insist on not helping me even as half as much as they help my younger sister.

I am repeatedly lied to by my mother and given poor excuses from my step father as to why I am forced to live a live that I live. So I am a gay 22 year old who didn’t get to walk in my high school graduation. I have made many mistakes like having to repeat the 4th grad, doing so poorly in high school that I flunked out of St. Joe's prep, and then did not get to walk down the sale senior year because I had to go to summer school for math.

I had a temper that I unleashed on whom ever I felt deserved it, but when I went to counseling was told I was quite normal for any kid. I have suffered loosing a parent I so desperately wanted to be there for me. My father did my senior year of high school after suffering many years with the effect of brain surgery and diabetes. He did and because i was so angry I hadn't talked to him for 4 months and 4 days. He died probably missing me. He didn’t know I was angry with him but I know.
My mother makes excuses for every one that hurts me. My father step father my ex best friend and even my grandfather. Telling me t just let it go. I have had so much taken from me I am honestly at the point of giving up.

I never used substances to make me feel better I am a law abiding citizen yet the state of Pennsylvania looks at me as if I am a speed daemon. The more I look at my life as a whole the more I hate it and myself. I never hurt anyone, but those that are the closet think that it is ok for others to hurt me. Am I a door mat for the world. Why is it that someone that everyone says has a lot of potential and love has to suffer the way I do? The Christians say that is why Christ did so that people like myself don’t have to carry such a burden.

What do I have to do to get what I deserve. Men use me for sex, fake friends use me for rides and entertainment. I know only three people who have ever loved me the way a person should be loved Britteney Simmons , Brenda Sharpe, Jason Bailey and Lisa Bethea. They see me hurt and get angry, I cry it brakes their hearts. It is tough enough that my finances are not where they should that I have NO financial support from my parents yet along support for the things in my life that matter. Yet if today I was to leave this world mother would weep for fear I was burning in hell for the "choices" I made. My step father because he knows he was not the parent to me he should have been. And Britt and Jay would cry because they lost a person they truly loved.

Who else and why, would anyone else cry for me. My friends in high school abandoned me at one of the worst times in my life. Jal'za decided not to be friends after 13years for reasons that she can't even put reason behind. People like me and say they like me but no one want to love me, why?

I am passed over in the date world for ass hole who break hearts. Betrayed by friends for people that are only merry weather friends. Most of family looks at me with jealousy, contempt, anger, I now say fuck them all. You think your loyal then fucking act it I am not giving of myself to anymore ass hole who don’t deserve my time or kindness.
I will get what I want out of life no matter whom I have to kill, cheat on, borrow from, and lie to or anything else. You all pissed me off you know who you are and I hate you.

12 December 2008

Leading Men?

Every gay man has that group of men the consist of ex boyfriends, old potential boyfriends and friends that want more that friendship that have a certain place in their lives. These are the guys we call when friends are all busy, we need a quick roll in the hay, or we are broke and need a nice dinner or drinks while clubbing. We cannot conceder it using these guys because we suffer through bad stories, them asking us why not me, inappropriate touching and in many case they get sex with someone they think is totally hot.

For me I have a significant size group, Ramón, Dwaine, Alex, Mr. R, Andrew, Mr. K, Mark and of course Mr. M. All are men that I have talked about before some have even had their own blog and were the highlight of an evening. I have taken many serious, only to be disappointed and on more than one occasion, but not many had to deal with heartbreak. Yet I remain friendly because after all I have been through with some of them I continue to find uses that outweigh the pain they caused.
The roll of the leading man is never held by one man as you can clearly see. Interesting as it may be to those who are not in the life, it is standard for the rest of us. The leading man is never a boyfriend until the last act.

The entire time we spend in the scene is just a show, a play if you will of a scene after scene of night clubs, bar's, dates, hook ups, fights with family member and friends who don’t understand our lifestyle. The friends that we have stay the same from scene to scene, but it is a guy whom we only scene for a brief while that truly runs the show. He steps in and decides the next scene. Will be at a bar or club. At out fest or pride, will be a night under the cover or a romantic dinner? He is coached and encouraged but he ultimately decides and once he dose he plays his part and then gives the stage over to the next.

The dance goes on until the main character decides he has found the one, the one who ends the dance of changing scenes. Finally, the main character and the new leading man negotiate on each scene and setting. The play is finally over and gives way to a new play called the Relationship.

The play goes on and rarely dose it ever go big and continue to end with death, it usually ends with a return from the play we entitle the scene and all the while we notice that the men from before are playing the same parts, while the main character and his friends my look and many times think differently it is all in all the same and we continue to watch and learn how each gay life is connected proving ;

it's a world of laughter, a world or tears
its a world of hopes, it's a world of fear
there so much that we share
that its time we're aware
its a small world after all

CHORUS:
its a small world after all
its a small world after all
its a small world after all
its a small, small world

There is just one moon and one golden sun
And a smile means friendship to everyone.
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small, small world

11 December 2008

Friends?

Back in my high school and early college, days I wrote about how friends should only be temporary due to how I was pissed at all my friends in high school abandoning me. Sure, I left the school but I tried to keep in contact until they all with the exception of one just stopped answering their phone and would not respond to emails and changed their AIM screen names.

It was not that I was in denial about my sexuality; I was just raised in a family where we were taught that homosexuality was wrong so I felt that god would change me when he was ready. Needles to say prayers and fast later I embraced who I was and gained the courage to try and find the friends of mine who knew what I knew way back when.

To my surprise, no one still would get in touch with me. My group of friend that was known as Surf and turf had disbanded and their leader I was completely cut off. Neal Curly hurt the most as I had found out that it was thanks to me that he stayed at SJP. Christian Myers and I fell out big time as he decided to come out of the closet and tell everyone I was gay when I had not told anyone and while I had been dating women. Boima Blake was the only one who kept in touch but he had a way to piss me off like no one else so we went back and forth we would talk then months would go by without speaking. Francis Quatrone stayed in touch, but barley it was I who did all the work and after going to the Franz Ferdinand concert, I never saw or heard from him again.

I had an apartment and none of them responded to my house warming invites, and over time, I accepted the fact that I should just let go. That was until I entered the scene and bumped into Christian Myers several times and while dancing on a speaker box at Woody's he showed an interest. I eventually told him I had a crush back in high school and he told me he did too but that was as far as that went. Then I gained touch with someone I didn’t get along with so much in high school. Jimmie Dupree.
Jimmie Dupree and I both sensed the other was gay but never ousted the other, we tried being friends and it didn’t work it was like a seesaw until we just didn’t see each other anymore. That is until the gay scene called him too. And to my surprise, he was in it before I was and I was a year older and 21.

So Boima was sporadically in my life and Christian and Jimmie were in my gay life. But my best friend all through high school was not. So today, I hunted him down and from what I have found, he is still going to school in Chicago and may be living there. According to Christian, he is dating some guy as well.

I got an email address for him and sent him an email. I hope he responds it would be nice to have a connection in Chicago. And Now that Jal'za Wyche is out my life it would be nice to know that the people I feel are truly good friends would stay in my life. Because while friends can be disposable a best friend never should be.

10 December 2008

I'm working in the rain.

Last Thursday I had started the day off with three interviews, but due to an issue with my mother's computer, I had to cancel my first. I went to my Second in Center City Philadelphia at borders. I was meeting a guy whose name I could not remember and as it turned out, I was not the only one. I was talking on the phone and the person who was sitting at my table for the past hours over herd and mentioned she was there for the same guy.

As if by some type of roach, magic people came out of nowhere and introduced themselves to us. Then the interviewer showed up. He was cute and not what I was expecting, He took the first guy then it was my turn. I enjoyed talking to him but not as much as he enjoyed talking to me. He made a point to ask jokingly if I checked the right box in regards to my criminal background, which took me off guard and made me think it was a trick question.

It was not he then began to tell me about how one guy lied and bla bla bla. He could not mention a topic without divulging information about himself, which he pointed out several times that he, had no idea why he was telling me such things. Then he pointed out a very important characteristic about myself, I was easy to talk to. Which are quite true people tend to feel a need to confide in me. I have never had an issue with friends with holding feeling and experiences. It is something that I use to feed my curiosity but never to hurt anyone and I guess that is why it keeps getting stronger.

I walked away knowing I had the job. I got back to Sharon Hill later than I had expected and had to call my second interview and let them know I would be late. I had been to this place twice before and each time I felt it was a waste of my time but I was assured they had different positions available, so I went and had yet another pointless interview.
While I was taking care of Josh, I got the call to confirm that I had been chosen for a position with the nonprofit. I was thrilled and accepted. My start date would be Wednesday.

So I started my new job and it was not glamorous in the least bit. I had to work outside pitching the company's mission and convincing people, that becoming financially involved would be worth their while. It’s a cause I believe in. I was promised a half day training and after an hour of filling out paper work and going over the company's profile I got to practice my pitch two time and was put on the corner. Needles to say I felt like a Virgin hooker.

It was an entire day of May I talk to you for a minute, only to have people retort, No it's raining. No, don’t have time. I'm on my way to work, on my lunch break. And the few times that I did get people to listen to my pitch they asked for the web address and continued on their way. Then the pressure from my pimp to put myself out there more, use my hands to draw people in, be louder and shit like that.

With the rain and several rejections, I just wanted to go home. When 6 o'clock came I was oh so happy and oh so soaked. One last thing to be showed and I left. To go home and begin the job search all over again.

09 December 2008

Unicorn

In the gay world there are many times when the leading men change their looks and to their surprise a revert back leads to being put in high demand. Before my move to NYC I had cut my hair and started going with the natural curly look and to my surprise it was a look that many of my guys missed.

I have noticed that every time I take myself out of the scene, when I return I have different hair, not that I am saying I have been in it long but that is just how things have gone. I have also thought about my success rate when the online dating is factored in because it crosses and overlaps the nightlife, my success rate is far better than most.

I have found serious boyfriends, danced with many hot guys, been hit on by strippers, and received many invites home after a bar with guy who only wanted one thing. The secret to such a success is one thing. Live life like the unicorn.
The unicorn as we all know is the mystical creature who looks like a horse, has a horn that contains mystical powers, and can only be captured by one type of person , a virgin female. Now as I have my skills in bed they would have to be matched for any relationship to work. Despite my boy next door demeanor, and my kiss and don’t tell attitude, I have acquired some tricks and moves that make many a guy come back. And with the obvious reason of me being gay a female just won't work.

So I am a unicorn, I am unattainable except by the one guy who has all the qualities that I am looking for. Men love to chase what they can't have. That's why gold, platinum; silver, diamonds and mystical creatures are things men have obsessed over for many centuries. A woman will play hard to get in order to nab the man she desperately wants and many times, it works with great ease.

In the gay world with the right modifications, it works even better. Most single gay men and even some in relationships want what all men want, to be one of the few to have actually been with the local unicorn. Some will brag and others will smile with pride when they see all the losers rejected while they know that had a crack at the hottest guy in the club.

The funny thing about being the hottest guy at the club is that it's always changing. The mood shifts, some popular queen gets jealous, the crowd will simply change and just like that your just another pretty face until the scene changes or you adjust to the crowd and someone who is a crowd pleaser points you out.

Everyone wants to be a crowd pleaser and the crowd pleaser's friend. That is why Jason and I as best friends work so well together. Two funnie men who don’t always want to be the center of attention but can't help finding themselves there and knows how to get to the center and stay there for as long as they like. It’s a balance of power and we take turns holding center stage. In the club scene however Jason can hold his usual spot on the dance floor I can take the bar and when I get in the mood and the freak comes out all eyes are one of two spots on the dance floor.

Yeah we give the ring over to others for a brief while to show that we are not attention whores but we regain it. Its is sometimes hard living life and being the center of our social crowd but we were elected to the position. It also enhances life as a unicorn.

When it comes down to it the modern unicorn is always seen , and herd. There are stories false and true about the unicorn's abilities. Speculations are formed about how one will hold up in the bedroom. All in all a task that every unicorn must master is, remaining in the limelight but always leave them wanting more. A unicorn never gives it all away, the one thing the crowd wants most is reserved for that one special someone.

07 December 2008

The rest of last week.

I spent the next few days contemplating what happened to me. Why did I let Kevin have his way knowing no good could come of it? Did I really want to date Ramón? I needed someone to get nonobjective advice.

I woke up and called my aunt my grandmother picked up the phone and my aunt was asleep and I told her I would see her tomorrow after she got back from shopping. Still hung over I went back to sleep. My mother had been out most of the day with my stepfather so she barely noticed I slept the day away.

When I woke for good, it was dark out. I got on the comp and looked for a job. My sister asked if I could take her over her best friend's house. She was home for one more night before she had to go back to school I agreed. Then midnight came and there had been no request and I was tiered. 10 min later she asked for that I ride and I was all like I'm tired and she was all like hold on. Then she came back and was like her mom is going to pick me up so I was like ok just let mommy know. She was all ok. Knock, knock on my mother's bed room door and the only response was heavy breathing. So she came back and said I'll just send her a text and asked that I make sure she knew. I was like ok and she gave me a kiss and left. So I went to bed.
I heard when the text got to my mom's phone and still just heavy breathing.

I awoke late the next day only so my mother would not ask me to church. Its one of those black homophobic ones you know. But to my surprise at noon she was still home. I went down to see what was going on and she was baking a cake. Around one she told me that my aunt was having my cousin's 1st birthday party. I like always found out last minute. I got dressed and waited for my mother who told me last minute that she was not coming straight home. She had a pick and black number and looked very nice so she had to go show off to the new man in her life.

So I drove and made plane to go see my aunt and grandmother after this boring party. I arrived to find that my sister and I were the only cousins their and the guest of honor was giving an encore of thanksgiving. The little brat was losing cool points by the second. Lauren put on a movie but would not stop talking. Then she changed it once I was into it and still kept talking. I smiled and nodded she hadn't seen me in awhile and it was not stupid rambling it was intelligent thought about the movie and a little of the craziness that you can tell she picked up from her mother.

The food was good but everyone insisted holding out for my other aunt who I knew was not going to show. You can tell how cool someone is by the amount of friends who show up at their party. Lets just say this little noise maker had no one. Only half the people from thanksgiving dinner showed. I guess to give the little urchin the benefit of the doubt it was a last minute party.

My aunt never showed and we all had better things to do, so we sang happy birthday and eate cake and then I could not get out fast enough. I did get one good laugh though. He had walked right into the dish washer and fell backward while holding his bottle he looked drunk.

I got to my grandmother's and caught them up on my entire life. I then caught my aunt up on my love life over dinner. It had been a long while and I could not stop talking. I was there for 4 hours and I did almost all the talking. She was happy to see me and the work my grandmother had done to the house looked great.

I got home and called Jason, who wanted to go to get ice-cream after I turned him down for meeting up with Zach at a restaurant. We went to Wawa got ice cream then went back to his and watched Britany Spears for the record. How gay, right.
I sent Jazz an email telling her what was going on and that I would either come to NYC on the 2nd or 3rd. and went to bed.
The rest of the week was just mailing letters to debtors, traffic courts, old schools, keeping everyone barest of what was going one with my car job and to those interested my love life.

I had taken Jason to his Main Line Model appointment and got a lead out of it as well. There was trip to the mall and a stop to his friend and then I was home.

On Wednesday afternoon I finished my catch up blogs, my layout edits, and all I had left was finding a job.
I went to NYC to finalize things with Jazz and she refused to end things civilized.
I came back home set up several interviews and on Thursday after having two interviews I was mad a job offer. And Friday night, well I will tell you about that tomorrow.