Almost Over

Its funnie how at the very moment you think you are over something or that is it is simply behind you, you do something stupid to bring it back. Today I did something that people only do in movies and TV shows.

I was alone and not feeling like myself emotionally. I wanted someone to talk to and he was the first person to cross my mind. So to avoid doing something stupid I called Jason, who was at work and could not talk. So after sitting for a moment I did it. I called Mr. M. he never answers when I call, I had planned on simply hanging up after I herd the intro to his voice mail, but he answered and I hung up.

I should not be calling this guy but I did. I know what some of you are thinking, I should have called Mr. MeTo but I don’t have a cell phone and my mother’s house dose not have long distance. So with him on my mind I called and hung up. I know the song “why did I ever like you” by Pink has made its way to my number one’s list for the moment and every time I hear it I think of the guy who has no clue on how to treat me.

Why cant I just drop this whole thing? Some say it takes half the time you were dating to get over someone, if that were true I should have been over him over a year ago. But who is to say when our romantic relationship ended and our friendship began.

It was complicated we went from a serious relationship to friends to friends who have sex to fuck buddies who were thinking about dating to what ever the hell we are now. He is more than fine telling me about his relationships and his life but when it comes to me I am just a guy who swings from guy to guy and I like to hear myself speak.

Is it that I want to convince him to see me for the person I am? My friends love me for several reasons and while they are mostly good they also love the side that acts like a bitch. Mr. M says I fake my bitchiness that I continue to try and show a fake me, he points out the worse things about me when we are with people but when its just the two of us he says the nicest things. Why cant I just say, “Fuck You,” and walk away?

When it comes to friends, boyfriends, and family, why cant I just let go and let God? I put myself through torture I get my heart broken and still give them all a second chance. I have no reason to be desperate for any friends I have the best of the best. I continue to think that there is good in everyone and that at some point I will benefit from that good but I am really starting to realize that some people make an active choice to never give there good to certain people.

I choose to be a happy person who lives to have happy times and lean on myself to get through the tough times, I accept help when offered but I never look for it.

To be perfectly honest that ass hole hurt me and refuses to see it, I want an honest hear felt apology, the chance to get more than even or to sit back and watch him get hell and be there to say “Karma is a Bitch.”

I want his heart broken, I want to see him cry. I have hatred for him but at the same time I keep allowing him to get to me.

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL"Stolen"

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in your highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

Not Just Sex

They say sex sells, that it drives the economy. They also say sex has lost all meaning in today's modern society. Why is that? Why do so many people feel the need to objectify such an invasive act? It is not like having your teeth cleaned or getting dressed in the morning before work. It is not like fixing a car or cooking dinner. It is far more complicated and meaningful. It would appear than many of us will put more thought into cooking someone dinner if we know the reward will be sex. Yet we think very little on how special the reward itself is.

If you were to ask your friends which is more fun, masturbating or hot sex, I am fairly certain they would unanimously agree that sex is far better. You man have some friends who like different partners and others who want to be in love and some who don’t care as long as they get it. Sex not only drives the economy via advertisements and family planning products, but it has also changed the way we think and how we act.

If the goal is to orgasm, then why is sex more valued than masturbating?

It would appear that everyone tries to look sexy to someone, we all want to be desired and for a brief second to be a part of someone else's fantasy. Intern we want someone to make some of ours into reality.

Why do people bother with relationships anymore? Is it for the sex and all the other cool stuff is just added bonuses? It would simply explain why so many people find it hard to stay in a relationship, and moreover why 50% of marriages end in divorce. If sex continues to be the driving force behind what we do, then the future is doomed.

Imagine if you literally stopped before doing every activity in your day to link it to how it will increase or diminish the amount of sex you get in your life. Such as driving to work or eating a snack. From cooking yourself dinner to what time you go to bed. Sex doesn’t seam so important now, dose it?

What makes for a successful relationship you may ask. The same old bull shit of common interest and complimentary differences, the ability to surprise the other, the growth and nourishment of love. In times where we are so consumed with sex and how to get it we fail to see that our one night stands, moments with fuck buddies, random one timers and relationships based on sex always leave us feeling more empty than how we were before we were with the other person.

Is there a recipe for the perfect relationship, and if there is where do we get it? How dose one stop a life of sex sex sex and begin working on a recipe for a successful and healthy relationship? If it were easy as baking cookies or a cake even then only one or two writers would have best selling books on the matter, like Pillsbury or Dunkin Hines.

I am not saying that our entire life is spent craving and looking for sex, but I am saying that we many times can miss out on true happiness because we at one time were so blinded by being fixated on one thing.

I once herd that if you truly like someone, the moment that you are about to go all the way, you should put on your pants and leave. I have learned the moment you make it about more than sex is the first moment to a fulfilling life in pursuit of the one.

Slacker

Yesterday I decided to take a bath to get things rolling, I was quite surprised to find that, that one little moment set the tine for the entire day. I decided to watch a movie after my bath and that led me to wanting to do nothing even more.

I typically turn a bath day into a spa day, but not yesterday. It was truly a lazy day, a day of watching movies and non stop eating. Trust me when you’re my size a day of non stop eating is a good thing typical it causes me to gain no weight but in my head it works so its all good.

I then got on my computer and figured I would finally make the switch, I stopped talking about Pink City Life and made it all indigo. I then got a IM from Jay and he needed my clippers so I made it up in my mind to go over at a decent hour and take them to him, a decent hour was any hour my mother was home.

Right before my mom got home had gotten out of my slump and began getting dressed and tiding up the house. My goal was to make it out before she got in and if I failed to do so make sure she had no reason to yell. I failed. She came and yelled about the trash cans, the dining room light being on where I was going. She soon changed her tone and became pleasant when she realized should g=could be spending the night home alone. I told her I was dropping something off to a friend and would b back in 15 minutes to do the dishes.

She acted all surprised when I actually came back, it wasn’t in 15 only because the roads were icy but it was a short time. I began on the dishes and she was all lovey dovey.

After doing the dishes I did my hair and watched another movie. I then ate dinner and launched Indigo Life. To my surprise the first official post was a success.

Today Jason stars a new job and I have an interview. Hope all goes well for the both of us. As for my sister she has gone on a 3 day vacation over our aunt’s house which she plans on getting her tong and navel pierced. When my mother sees her Thursday she will freak, and I don’t want to miss it.

Don’t worry I am still working for Mr. New York, just don’t trust him much.

Hello to Indigo

Ok I know I keep droning on and on about it, I am 22 and I am mature for my age. Most people don’t know it about me but my life has not been an all too happy one. I never want pity for the things that have happened to me, it has mad me who I am, and the person I am, people love.

My mom and I don’t see eye to eye on most things like most people and there mothers, yet we adore each other. My sister and I are not your typical siblings. It is quite clear that I would kill and die for my sister; the scary part is I am almost certain she would do the same for me. We love spending time together and hanging out. We agree on very few things but when it comes to fashion, men and shopping we always have good advice for the other.

My friends are another important aspect in my life; Jason Taylor is my best friend, it is funny how in only a few months of hanging out we became so attached to each other. Jay and I have been BFF for only about a year and a half but I feel like we have been friends forever. Then there is Phillip Greway, he was Jason’s boyfriend at the time Jay and I became friends. Phil is a true sweet heart and is one of those guys you just can’t help but love. After hanging out, just the two of us, we realized we had a few things in common and lots to talk about so it was not long before I was calling Phil a BFF. Then there is Louis, every group has an odd ball and while he is barley in my group, he very much an important part of my life. I dated Louis a few months after Jason did. It was a no, no. according to the rules of friendship but Jay gave a chuckle and his blessing. I did not last long as I just could not fall for Louis, weeks later he and I were best buds. Come to find out a week before he and I started dating, he and Phil made out, go figure.

Then there are my friends such as Tia, and Zack. Two people I know thorough Jason, of course, but an outing without one of them just would not be the same. You can call Tia our token Lesbian, A very sexy young woman who is about her money and having a good time with her friends. Then there is Zack I have known the guy almost as long as I have known Jason and yet I can’t tell if the kid wants to be just like Jason of if he just has a crush on him. In time I suspect I will find out for sure.

Then there are my straight friends such as Matt, who is the last of my BFFs. I look to Matt for spiritual guidance and as I have said before is my mother’s favorite of all my best friends. Brenda Sharpe, who is truly my second mother, I will never be able to repay her for all the good she has done, and continues to do in my life. Kim, my former roommate is more like a big sister than anything else. And last but not least My Aunt Lisa, a cool lady loved by all who know her, she and I always got along and we both came out the closet around the same time, it’s thanks to her that I stay true to myself and never give way to the way people say I should be.

These are the people who play major rolls in my life, a life that has good times and bad times. A life peppered with nights at bars and clubs, house parties and get-togethers, nights home along with a good movie or book and Chinese food. Days at work, jobs past and present, days that look dark and days that shine bright with our hopes for the future. These are the people I go to Tom Jones, shopping and joy riding with. These are the people who know all about my Indigo Life.

Why is my life indigo? It’s not my favorite color, and it’s not a color used by a large group of people to describe being, funny or night life. It was a color chosen by one man to describe something truly great, something that is misunderstood by so many people. It is the color Victor Bethea, me, express living a gay life. Pink is too feminine, the rainbow to diverse. Indigo is just right while sometimes mistaken for blue or violet or even purple it is always just indigo.

The color indigo in the modern world has four shades, Electric Indigo, Blue-Violet, Pigment Indigo, and Indigo Dye. Each can be used to describe, not different gay people or different gay lifestyles but the different parts of Gay life. There is the Artsy, the family oriented, the party loving, and the economical.

We all have a part in each shade; we all have experienced a moment that was colored one particular shade of indigo. We all looked at are lives and compared it to that of a heterosexual and have seen how most of it is no different.

The Indigo life, it’s the life I live. I use this Blog to discuses what it is like to live the Indigo Life and throughout my Blogs I will assign different shades of Indigo based on what was going on my life at the time. It is my goal for 2009 to touch on all the issues that not only my friends and I face but all that homosexuals face. I have chosen the color indigo because like homosexuality, indigo is a mistaken color. Many times it is forgotten how important it is in our everyday life, many times it is said to be blue or purple and it truly is not. And while indigo is indigo it is like green and yellow. It can be dark or light, have a slight red or blue added to make it just slightly off from the rest. Indigo is not simply indigo its complex, just like my life and the people in it.

Its Now Indigo

Check back soon to see why the change.

Aesop's -The Fox and The Crow

A Fox once saw a Crow fly off with a piece of cheese in its beak and settle on a branch of a tree.
"That's for me, as I am a Fox," said Master Reynard, and he walked up to the foot of the tree.
"Good day, Mistress Crow," he cried. "How well you are looking today: how glossy your feathers; how bright your eye. I feel sure your voice must surpass that of other birds, just as your figure does; let me hear but one song from you that I may greet you as the Queen of Birds."
The Crow lifted up her head and began to caw her best, but the moment she opened her mouth the piece of cheese fell to the ground, only to be snapped up by Master Fox.
"That will do," said he. "That was all I wanted. In exchange for your cheese I will give you a piece of advice for the future: "Do not trust flatterers."

The First Weekend

Today I wasted most of my time doing nothing. I had an extremely long conversation with my boss to clarify 3 simple concerns of mine and an even longer online conversation with Mr., MeTo. I am coming to realize that you can’t always put your life out there for all to read. I knew that eventually everyone I featured in my Blog would read it but I am no fan of censorship. I like my new job a lot and truly do not want to sacrifice my career, I am truly blessed to be dating a guy who agrees and is doing the same thing that I am doing now.

I made a resolution to be honest with my friends, but it looks like my honesty is something than I need to work on all the way around. I had began to use my Blog as way to express the things that I had trouble saying, and would encourage the people in my life to read it so they could gain clarity. I have learned though, “LifeStorms” has taught me to express myself period. I don’t have the trouble saying things to anyone that I truly feel needs to be said.

I am still feeling out my boss, I trust him and I feel in time I will be able to tell him what I need to say without sugar coating, and I know in time an hour conversation will shrink down to a 15 minute one because we will be on the same page.

Mr. MeTo and I are really making progress, I have no fear in telling him anything, and I feel he feels the same way.

Today I also found out that Jason is trying to quit smoking, I could not be happier for him. I always thought he should cut back but it was nothing that bothered me or I saw as a big enough problems, especially while I was alongside him smoking. So now it looks like all but one of my friends will be a smoker, good ole Louis, but in time.

Yesterday I hung out with my friend Matt, my mother only knows what I tell her and she loves him, he is by far her favorite of all my friends.

Matt is working part time at Panera Bread and he gets a fifty percent discount. So we had lunch and then went to Barns and Noble. We talked on religion, dating, and work. I told him about my new job and he told me about his business adventure. We both have faith or trust in god that the other will go far given that proper time is invested.

I decided that I would by a book or two with my gift card. I picked up Aesop’s fables and then saw there was a sale on the BN editions of classic lit. Aesop’s fables was among them and it was by two get one free. It became quite the adventure as I tried hard to find three books of equal price that I had an honest interest in reading. There was Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Beowulf, the scarlet letter and finally I found two I wanted. In addition to Aesop I found Pride and Prejudice. Both 5.95 meaning I had to find another that was 5.95 so I hunted down Gulliver’s Travels and to my delight it was also 5.95.

After Matt convinced me to go with my gut and check out fashion, he and I both saw me finding the right book from that section was going to be no easy task so we checked out and went home.
I enjoy every moment I spend with Matt; he is a great teacher and an awesome friend who keeps me from truly going to the dark side of the pink life.

I did go to church today and I think I will make it a new habit, just have to find a church that I like.