I So Needed To Read This, (A Letter From A Friend)

Dear Victor,

I understand that times are really hard for you. MeTo, Wonderful, Eddy, new prospects, finances, school, work, friends and trying to make it all work so that you may have a harmony that will not drive you into the nut house.

Your blog is full of wonderful advice and honesty it is evident that it come from your heart. I watch you now and see how hard you are struggling to be a good honest loving person. Every day you awake and think of G-d and wonder how he would like you to go about your day, you say that prayer asking him to bless, guide, protect and favor you. All of your friends come to love you more and more each day and you wonder why.

You have so much going for you and you are at the point in your life where you can see why you deserve the good in your life. Do not lose focus, it is time you realize that the bad of your past is in your past, if you continue to strive to be the person you are, ever evolving, ever loving,  and ever nurturing of those who you come in contact with, then you need not ever accept, heartache and ill will from anyone.

All of your life you were told over and over that you have so much love to give and that you should not just give it away easily. The love you have is strong and pure and once the flow begins it never stops. If the people who are in your life do not want to accept the love you continually try to give them then it is time you walk away and allow the flow to slow.

I look at you and I know you better than anyone, you have lost so much weight, you are not eating and you have not been yourself for over two weeks. You are allowing the men who should be trying t protect your heart to stomp on it. For your sake and your health you need to do better.

I wanted nothing more than to see you and MeTo get back together and you heard the excitement in everyone’s voice who heard that the two of you were going to give it another go. I know that sometimes we do not get the happy ending that we would like and it pains me to see that so many of us thought you had found the one, only to get hurt via text message.

I know how you feel about MeTo and do not blame you for being so deeply hurt. I see your face when people tell you it will work out and you two are meant to be. The confusion and hurt in your face is indescribable.

I know the situation with wonderful is not making anything easier but thank G-d that ended early before you got more than just a heartbreak.  Jealous guys are dangerous and he certainly is the possessive jealous type.

You have plenty of prospects and you are going about dating the right way this time, the old you of 21 has returned and everyone in your life looks at you and admires you. You are unique. The only men who pay you attention are men of substance not the ones who only want you for your looks. When you smile the room lights up and all those around you smile with you and for you.

I cannot tell you what the future holds but I know you have dreams and I am watching with amazement as you are doing everything to make them happen. From converting to Judaism, dating, school, working on your cookbook, blogging and demanding excellence in each post. I am honestly proud of you and I know without a doubt you need to hear it more.

I was always the friend who wanted to protect you and keep you from getting hurt, and now I just want to be more like you. I want to celebrate your successes and be there when you need a shoulder. You are now 27 and you look amazing, you sound amazing and you have an amazing personality. Do not let people from your past make you pause for a moment, continue forward and enjoy the ride like only you can do. I am here for you and I love you. Do you and change only how you see fit because you get more amazing with each tweet and change you do to yourself.  

Love Always

(Your Best Friend

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Dealing With Others . . . and You!

The best way to deal with any situation is to evaluate your own role in how things have turned out. I typically do this all the time. Sometimes before things get bad and many times after the preverbal shit has hit the fan. When I find myself experiencing emotions that involve the actions of another I get to a point where I can ask myself, “What did I do wrong?”

You always have a role in how things turn out. You must remember that pointing out how others have wronged you does nothing for the situation except exacerbate it. If you go to someone who has hurt you and you apologize that things have gone south and what part you took in it, you will feel a lot better. If the person responds in kind you have a relationship worth salvaging weather if it is becoming friends after a break up or giving an old friendship a second chance.

I have done a lot of thinking and have seen so many things that I have done wrong in the past that has affected my immediate future. I am happy to say that I have apologized to all involved parties. Now there is only one thing left to do. I must sit and contemplate what I allowed to influence my actions and take note not to allow it to happen again. I am well aware that I am not perfect and in so I must be diligent at keeping me in check and thinking hard before I take action.

I am hoping the sharing of my own self evaluations will aid others in not repeating the mistakes I have and or shed light into their past so that they can see, “It took more than one to, ‘fuck’ it up.”

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Loving Me

I would say, and know many people that would agree, that when given the chance it is easy to fall in love with me, but to stay in a relationship with me once you fall in love is far from easy. I am moody, stubborn, and I don’t express my emotions until it is too late. Typically everything comes pouring out once I do something stupid and convince myself I have nothing to lose.

I think that is why I am so focused on finding a man who can honestly handle me. Yeah I like to get rough in the bed but my heart is a constant battle ground. One day I can be the most trusting person in the world and the next the opposite. I can wake some days happy to be alive and others pissed that I was not in the bed alone. I am well aware of the difficulty that is me and ergo I like to spoil my special someone. It used to be control and now it is just gratitude.

I value a man who can see through my defenses, the one who will look at me yelling and wait to ask what is really bothering me, or brave enough to tell me to calm the hell down. It is a huge turn on when I say something and he does what he can to indicate he herd me.

I am a man as well and I enjoy having my ego stroked, having someone to listen to me and I love being pampered. And so I like to beat my man to the punch, pamper him, spoil him, and stroke his ego, a man who sees the value in all I do and I willing to respond in kind. I want a guy who knows that I will bend over backwards to keep him happy because he tries to make me, someone who is not easily pleased, happy.  

I once had a guy who took joy in the fact that he got me and then one day it stopped. So I guess now I am on the market and trying to find love again.

Here Is Some Food For Thought On . . .

Breakups 

They say the best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new, But having done the major break up thing more than once I have noticed that the best way to work through it is to remember the five stages of grief. To be cut off from someone really does feel like you are experiencing a death. Your heart aches and you will notice that you go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Acceptance.

I was really trying to deal with my emotions when I realized that in my grieving there were other things I over looked and by serendipity I found that there are 7 stages for a breakup and they include the five stages of grieving pulse shock and isolation. I was at the acceptance point. Initially I was shocked, in my blog post I made it clear I could not believe it was with a text message. The next few steps did not come in order, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression. I was cycling through them all. I would feel angry then sad, and then back into denial. Several unanswered text and blog post later every part of me was trying to accept it. It feels more like a death because someone I love has completely cut me out and turned their back on me. There is no communication I am dealing with it on my own.

The major point in all of this is to stay aware of what to expect when dealing with the most emotional things in your life. When dealing with people loss is the hardest. Understanding your emotions and knowing what to expect from your heart sometimes make it a bit easier. It will not speed things up but it gives you an emotional goal and for me it helps. 

This Song Sums Up How The MeTo Situation Feels

Little Mix - "Case Closed"

Hits when I'm asleep right through

I'm cold when I wake cause I won't feel you

When I can't breathe I know it's you

Got a lump in my throat just thinking of you

Makes no difference you've been tried

(Makes no difference you've been tried)

Still sick inside, oh oh

It's meant to be over now

But I think we're going down (we're going down)

Got your fingerprints as evidence all on my body

Put your right hand on the book and you were found guilty

I can't wait forever but that's how it's gonna be

For me they'll never be

Case closed

No matter what the verdict say

Case closed

Too many questions in my head

Case closed

And I'm still waiting for a while

Why there can never be

Case closed

Behind these walls, so tall

I don't wanna climb, I'm afraid to fall

So we both do time and never have closure cause I still wanna hold ya

Makes no difference you've been tried

(Makes no difference you've been tried)

Still sick inside, oh oh

It's meant to be over now

But I think we're going down (we're going down)

Got your fingerprints as evidence all on my body

Put your right hand on the book and you were found guilty

I can't wait forever but that's how it's gonna be

For me they'll never be

Case closed

No matter what the verdict say

Case closed

Too many questions in my head

Case closed

And I'm still waiting for a while

Why there can never be

They can never, never be a

Never be a

Never, never be a

Case closed

They can never, never be a

Never, be a

Never, never be a

Case closed

Got your fingerprints as evidence all on my body

Put your right hand on the book and you were found guilty

I can't wait forever but that's how it's gonna be

For me they'll never be

Case closed

No matter what the verdict say

Case closed

Too many questions in my head

Case closed

And I'm still waiting for a while

Why there can never be

Case closed

4-1-1986 My Birthday

Being as it is my Birthday I think I\it would be a bit narcissistic to wish myself a Happy Birthday. In so I would like to wish all of you a Very Happy Un-Birthday.  

A New Year Officially Starts NOW!

Sex, Money, Style, Fashion, Friends, True Love, a great body, and most importantly the satisfaction in having it all, Gay men everywhere all want the same thing.

Life is ever evolving no matter who you are. The things and people in it that matter to you can change in an instant from Jazz, Jaiye and a life in Manhattan to Icon, Qhoiyn and a Gayborhood socialite. From Philly, to New York, to New Jersey and back I have been in the search of one thing, true love.

It was my hope to be like Carrie Bradshaw and write about my life and all the craziness that took place, to find my mister big and have a happy ending but several charter comparisons and self-adjustments later I have realized that I cannot be compared to anyone else. So I created my own persona.

My name is Vixc-B 27 years old and I am a blogger, a cookbook writer, a chef and a hopeless romantic. I am amazed at how I look back to see that there have been many amazing chapters in my life and while the largest and most emotional has recently closed I am looking forward to what is coming next.

Some will tell you that you cannot have it all, but look around you. In the Gayborhood on television, in newspapers there are people who are living it up in the now. Sure it may not seem that they have it all but are they happy and allowing themselves to live life? Of course they are, they get the most important thing, they know, “That life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.” To awake each morning and toast to life is having it all. And the day when love comes and you get that great job and you see that you had fun along the way you will agree as well that having it all is possible.

I have made and lost friends. I have had great lovers and mean lovers. My style has evolved. I have accepted my body type and take more pride in showing it off. I have had awesome jobs and sucky jobs. The thing that gets me through all the bad times is the joy that I get having lived when I could. Tomorrow is not promised although it may feel like it. Never say or do tomorrow what could be done today, tomorrow has its own problems and you can only deal with what is in front of you now.

So I am making a proclamation and promise for myself before all my readers, fans, friends and family. I will not allow the things that I want from life to alter who I am, I will no longer be willing to adjust me to make me fit into the box of what I or others hold up as the gay fantasy, or in hopes that it will make my dreams easier to obtain. I will take pride in who I am and the person I am on the road to becoming. I will achieve my goals for this year and live each day trying to make myself and G-d proud.  

In Short I will just be happy and Me!

Happy Easter

Wishing all of My Christian Readers a Joyous Resurrection Day!!!

-