I know that at age 22 you are far from knowing it all. This
of course means at age 22 you still have a lot to learn. What I did not know is
that it all comes so quickly and you have less time to try and learn each
lesson. It is like when you’re my age you have to become a pro at learning life
lessons.
It would appear the current lessons that I am being forced
to learn are lessons of the heart. I had no idea that in my few years I had
become callused. I only loved 3 people romantically and some may say they do
not count. There was my 7th grade sweetheart that I failed to realize I loved
until it was too late. Eventually I moved on and accepted the fact I was young
and dumb. To this day I strongly believe that had I stayed in touch we would
have gotten married.
There was the guy I met on line and thought it was only a
phase. I knew I loved him although we never saw each other in person. My heart
broke when I was forced to stop talking to him. I was tormented when I tried to
reconcile and he told me he wanted time to be single. I think a very tiny part
of me died when I found out that he had gotten married and didn't bother to
tell me.
Still I moved on and got over it as best I could. I dated
guys I met on line and in clubs and I befriended ones that wanted more than
friends. I even chased after guys I knew I could never have. Then the day came
when I felt that chasing was over and I was to be in a decent relationship. Much
to my chagrin it lasted only 5 weeks. I did
not think I would be heart broken when the day came, but All my friends did.
Many of them tried to tell me it was love but I refused to believe. The day we
decided to just be friends I had no idea that I was to join him on a road of
heartache and pain. I had no idea that I was to follow 10 steps behind until my
lesson was completely finished.
While we were dating I got a glimpse of my ex's ex. he
looked like me but I of course was far better looking. My ex then realized he was not over his ex
and trying to have a relationship with me was not fair to me. So he called it
off and we decided to be just friends.
I had decided getting some notches in my headboard would be
a good way to get over being dumped for the first time. Then one night I met
this therapist who could not help but analyze me, not in a boring you are this
and that type of way but after conversing he simply pointed out things that I
should have already known. He crushed my dream boyfriend description and told
me I would never find a guy who lived up to it. Which made me think about the
only boyfriend I ever dated that lasted more than two weeks and how he almost
had none of the qualities on my list. I thought long and hard as to why I
allowed him to be an exception. Put plainly I fell in love and didn't know it.
I fell in love with a guy I should not have and while my heartache to see him
pinning over a guy who crushed him, I was doing the same.
No matter how hard I tried to show him that I was ready to
give him the world he still couldn't help trying to get over whatever. I was
just beginning to understand love.
My roommate had called off her wedding. The groom was one of
my best friends and I could not understand why he was so heartbroken and found
it difficult to get over her. In my mind I though him weak and thought he was
the cause of his own heartache. Now I know.
My mother recently filed for divorce from my stepfather. For
years I suggested she just walk away and severs all ties for a brief while or
divorces him. She seemed powerless to do so in my mind it seemed easy, if one
could only take their heart out of it long enough.
How does one control their heart? Why did I think my mother
and friend were weak? They were simply victims. Victims of loving the wrong
people and while my ex and I are on this road of becoming free of our exes I am
learning that love is not rainbows and butterflies. It makes you angry,
depressed, confused, vengeful, bitter, bewildered and sometimes delighted. If
love was all bad or all good who would bother looking for it. Everybody knows a
little drama spices things up and adds romance to make it all worthwhile.
I used to hope my ex would see the light and fall in love
with me, but now I just wish that he sees his ex is not worth the love and time
he wanted to give and can live free of that hold.
As for me I hope I learn the lesson of this road soon and
can find the guy I have dreamed about. I also hope the next lesson is not as
intense.
