Happy People Life and Thier Counter Part.

What can be said about life and all the things in it? Compared to the span of the universe it is only a vapor if that, and yet all the moments in it, are so monumental. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, job promotions and events that we know we will only get to see one time. Many times we look for excuses to celebrate. We put emphasis on things that are mundane or common place so we can spend money and be merry. Not that this is a bad thing but it almost is proof that life is viewed as not worth living if you have no reason to celebrate.

It is for this reason we try our best in life and look for affirmation. It is getting this assertion from others that we can justify merriment. We are born and enjoy the fuss we get from our birthday and Christmas that when we see that mom and dad calibrate an accomplishment such as having a good report card or graduating, with a party we are overjoyed and strive to fill our lives with such accomplishments. We then begin to gain friends and age and realize we can provide our own calibrations and put emphasis on new year’s and other people’s birthdays. This list of scenarios goes on and on.

Ultimately we have kids and we celebrate their accomplishment with them and the cycle is set to continue.   We also learn that without the bad one cannot appreciate the good. Some have learned this lesson so well they go as far as to cause drama in their lives to make the smallest of good fortune seem extreme.  How am I so familiar with such a topic? If you read previous blogs you can see that people like the above mentioned pepper my life.

I am able to put everyone in my life into categories and two of those categories are Drama people and happy people.

The happy people are thy type I like to associate myself with people like Phil and Jason. The type of people who just want to be happy and be around happy people and when unnecessary drama is brought in our life there is only one option, cut it out.  For most of my gay life that is how things have been me and my happy friends living a life that is naturally drama filled. I can’t help but wonder about all the other gays I have met that seems not to only be followed by drama but they welcome it and are always in the search of more. I watch how people I know turn down a perfectly healthy relationship that is filled with good moments and receives the blessings of friends for one that is stressful, full of arguments and several moments of broken hearts.

I recently realized that a person I was in love with for quite some time was one of these drama people and the only reason I was kept in the mix was to assist in bringing the drama. Everyone I knew told me that this was an unhealthy relationship but my heart wanted what my heart wanted. Then when I finally was part of a relationship that was healthy and happy, I saw clearly.  I saw all the drama he liked to bring to his life and all the happiness I had. I saw the relationship I wanted him to have with him I was in with someone who clearly wanted it and while he stressed about how offal things were with his I could not believe how great mine was.

A part of me dreamed that things would fall apart for him and that he would see what he could have had but how could he, I was in a normal relationship which he said he wanted but not what his heart or head really wanted.

So while I did get half my wish, which also stems from the fact he brook my heart I can’t help but still keep my distance. My heart has grown and gained knowledge. I want to be happy and live a normal life with friends who are just as if not more happy than I.

So in conclusion happy know drama and don’t want it in their lives and they want moments to celebrate themselves as well as friends. Their counter parts like to celebrate drama and welcome dram in their lives. The only way for any of the above mentioned to change is to accept that they are who they are and live life recognizing that they do things because of the type of person they are. Once that major step is completed they can start to make active decisions that will help lead them in the other direction. Although I can’t see why any happy person would actively choose to be a drama queen.

Nothing New

Life is an interesting thing; you have your great loves, amazing moments, epiphanies, your best friends who last a life time, and the friends who last for only what seems like a day. You have the times you learn and the times you teach, the times that seem like you’re wasting your life and the ones that seem like you will just live forever. Life is full of all kinds of things but in the end for many it is the same, weather your gay or straight, black or white, Christian or atheist, it all ends and we try in vain to get the most out of it and make it last as long as possible.

It seems like a shame to waste time worrying over small things considering you are only awake for two thirds of your life and only about half of that is used to carry out non survival functions such as eating and going to the bathroom. So there you have it we only live a third of our life, the rest is consumed with bodily functions and sleep.

Many of our other functions are controlled not by need but emotions and with our heart being second in command only after our ass, (“The Ass is King” coming soon) it makes total since that what affects the heart will affect the rest of us.

I recently quite my new job for completely good reasons and it was something MeTo and i discussed before I went through with it. I took the rest of yesterday to unwind and relax. Then this morning I jumped into house husband mode. I made my hubby a nice breakfast and then began cleaning and even tried my hand at bread pudding.

I was shocked to see that just like our apartment my life was getting just as organized. For the first time in my life everything was beginning to have a place and knew where everything I owned was. It was a great feeling and t keep with the trend I made reservations to organize the files on my computer and delete unnecessary ones so that I would have room. It was a great day MeTo and our roommate Christian went to Hometown Buffet and although it was not a great place I did eat well.

When I went to bed things were looking up and up except with my life falling into order, I honestly had lots to think about. MeTo has told me that I should bite the bullet and allow him to help me out of debt. I also recently found out that my ex and his boyfriend brook up in the way that his friends all predicted they would. MeTo’s ex made it clear that he wanted him back. I recently lost my car which made job hunting difficult and with my mother knowing about my car and job situation I am being encouraged to move back home.

So my current situation is I live approximately 2 hours from my friends and family, with my boyfriend and two other roommates.. my boyfriends in not only a good on paper guy he is a good guy period all my friends love him and we are talking marriage, so allowing him to help me financially makes perfect since in the interest of our future. There is just one thing.

In every fantasy I had about someone rescuing me from my debt, my hero was never there long. He would come in get close rescue me, we would have a few laughs and then we would both be on to someone new. I would live my new life without debt and he would always be a happy memory, then there were the fantasies’ where my hero would rescue me from my debt but was not the good on paper guy. Sure he had a bank account and a good job but he was the bad boy type and I was the only one who knew the way to his heart.  I never saw myself with a wonderful guy like the one I have, I also never could see myself with someone that could do better.  The truth of the matter I have gotten a lot out of this relationship. I have gotten all that a “boyfriend” could get and he is offering more in hopes that we are going to have an extensive future together. So I should be rapturous right? But I am not I am nervous and scared. I have had three great loves in my life ad two of them hurt me shoddily.

Can I allow someone to invest in my life and there not really be any contract? Is the life that I am being offered really what I want? If it is then why do I keep thinking about Mr. M? Am I really ready for a real adult relationship? Have I reached that level of emotional maturity?

I can’t help but wonder about all the different paths my life could have taken. Meeting Mr. M has not improved my life at all. Becoming best friend with Neal was a good move but should we have been more and is that what he really wanted and the reason why we are no longer friends? No matter what I do I keep comparing my three great loves Neal Mr. M and MeTo.

Since the moment I had fallen for MeTo I have been looking for excuses to break up with him. We had moments where I would wonder, “is this my out?” and each time the answer was no. but in a relationship shouldn’t you be excited about taking the next step, and shouldn’t you be sure that the one is the one. I have said I was sure I have felt I was sure but now I just don’t know. I think back to my favorite TV shows SATC, Noah’s ARC, QAF and wonder is MeTo my Aiden is MeTo this perfect guy that is not meant to really be mine, or is he my Trey loyal despite my flaws or Ben my sweet heart protector, is Mr. M my Mr. Big? Then I remember that life doesn't always work like TV things are not always certain. We play games and fight wars without a script or predetermined ending.  

I know not the number of my days or my destiny. I can only ever know what I want and work towards that. I always remind myself that the heart wants what the heart wants and while whatever will be I have to continue to live for me.

Life is a movie theater with each movie only showing once and many not running simultaneously. You can choose to watch one or two movies to the end or hop from theater to theater looking for the perfect movie until you end up back where you started and realize you never got to see an end.

I am at the point where I can choose to move on or watch this movie to the end. I have to be prepared that this may be the only movie I get to see. Or I can go theater hopping in search for a different one.

My life was once full of parties and club nights, my friends and the quest for a real boyfriend and a decent job. I have the boyfriend but I no longer have the crazy nights. My heart no longer beats to the thump a thump a of Woody’s but the sound track to the rest of my life whatever that maybe.