We Marched into the Den

So MeTo and I had made plans to go on a double date with a friend that I made while at Panera. He is young and immature but I see potential so I figured with me desperate for friends I would make him my little project. He recently started seeing this girl and I am unsure as to why but my opinion of her matters. So a double date was planed.

He ended up playing his typical games and I was left with nothing to do. MeTo and I tossed ideas around and we decided to do dinner and a club. Another friend that I had made now works at the Den and I had him put us on the list for what I thought would get us in for free.

I made my Facebook status state that I was cutting someone out my life as I was pissed about these last minute plans and we went out for half priced appetizers. It was a great night and I was turning heads, I love the attention. I laughed at MeTo’s jokes which were really funny and I smiled when he complimented me. Before I knew it the restaurant was empty and he was all I could see.

I then got confirmation we were on the list and then a call from the so called friend. He was using half truths to prevent feeling my wrath. I gave him the cold shoulder and made the call quick.

We then went to the Den where I found out admission was reduced and not cut. So to an ATM and we were in. I was surprised to see the club almost empty and the few people that were there were all young nerds. I immediately began trying to understand how this could be. I looked around and there were guys hopping to catch my attention and there were guys trying to get MeTo’s attention. We laughed as the awkward kids danced to songs that were being played just as awkwardly.

The outfits that some people wore made the 6 dollars worth it. I wondered how it was possible for so many gays to dress so poorly and I then it was clear why most people in Jersey go to New York and Philadelphia to enjoy good gay nightlife. Jersey really dose suck. 

A Shocking Apology

Mr. M and I had resumed speaking a few months ago. We began talking about how our lives were and what was new, the good and the bad in both. We had lots to catch up on and it was all via text. What a modern age we live in. we used devices that are designed with the intention to speak, to send the contemporary equivalent to short letters. 

The conversations were like old times except it was clear that while we still have love for each other, there is too much keeping us apart. Most important I am engaged to a wonderful man. Sometimes I choose to put that memory aside and focus on the bad in my life. I will admit it is quite selfish. It just so happened that Mr. M and I started talking while I was in one of those dispositions. We talked about his living situation and how he is unhappy with not having any real friends on the west coast and I talked about how I didn’t see how things were going to work out the way I wanted them to. It was days and days of texting and trying to make the other feel better.

Then one night I got a text that said, “I am sorry for hurting you.” I was shocked. I wanted to say, “it’s ok,” or “No need, you didn’t hurt me.” The best I could come up with, “I’m speechless.” I had already admitted to myself that I had allowed him to hurt me. I had also accepted the fact that it was my fault I put myself in that situation. I wanted to find love and for some reason at that point in my life I thought it was supposed to be him. I allowed him to play with my emotions and hurt me bad. I watched as he was then hurt and forgave and was hurt again. It hurt to see that here I was, someone who tried only to make him happy and he was holding onto someone who was breaking his heart and didn’t really care.

I remember thinking when I got word that he was dumped, “Good! That’s what he gets; I hope he is hurting badly.” I had no real right to think that. I was his friend and part of me honestly did feel bad.

I had always looked at Mr. M as my Mr. Big I thought that we would have our ups and downs but some day end up together, then Mr. MeTo proposed and I said yes and then my life took a different direction. It looked like Mr. M and I may not even know each other in a few years yet alone get back together. As time went on I was happy with MeTo and we began planning our life.

Then it came to the point when things changed, as far as what the two of us wanted. A city boy who loved the city and a country boy who loved the country both of whom hated the suburbs. It was like a fish and a bird falling in love. The love was strong but where could they build a life together?

I was perplexed and could only see my happily ever after dissipating. Then Mr. M came back in my life via text and then he apologized. What could this mean? We talked on all kinds of levels. I remembered things I wished had never happened. Such as the night of my 22^nd birthday party, the night we talked of what we wanted in the future, then the day we argued and he told me our chance to get back together had passed, the night I made out with his friend, the night we met, the night he got a tattoo, the day I called in sick to work so we could spend the morning together, and the Valentine’s day when he let me down. For two guys who were only together for 5 weeks we had some history and while we were official for only five weeks our relationship was anything but simple.

I told Mr. M that I was at fault as well; I wanted him to be mine and for me to be his. I fell for him and I should have not tried to be friends after the night he came over to my new place. But I did and I allowed him to hurt me all over. Now I was depressed and scared that I may lose the greatest love of my life and he was apologizing for our seeded past. We have a whole country between us and I am wearing a ring. My head was spinning. He longed to have friends visit and I was longing for a break from my life. I wanted to visit but judging by my mental state I knew what could happen, it was a good thing I could not afford a ticket.

The text went on and we kept it as friends and then one day I woke up and found myself missing my fiancé. I was angry with myself that I allowed myself to go back to that place, a place where I could ruin my future.  Mr. M and I have decided to be friends and MeTo and I are moving forward with our life. We negotiate and compromise with how our plans will work out. I want a big closet filled with shoes and clothes, a state of the art kitchen, a bathroom with a large tube so I may soak in comfort. I want my Bakery café and to be a domestic god. That’s what I want out of life for myself. MeTo sees my goals and understands them. He knows that I want him in my life and him being in my life makes me want to work towards such goals.

I still find it hard to get excited at this point in my life when it comes to school or new jobs or other such things. My future no matter how much planning I do is so up in the air, that’s how it has been all the way up to this point. All I know for certain is that I will have a career in food. Will my heart have what it wants as far as love? IDK but one thing is for certain everyone who knows Vixc-B knows I am willing to do what it takes to get it. They say you get two great loves in your life and you typically end up with one of them. I hope i have picked the right one.