Today I came home and realized that I have not blogged in
almost two months. There has been a lot going on with me and as much as I would
like to take the night and catch up on Fringe I think it would be best to write
about how the most emotionally painful time in my life drew my real friends
close and pushed the fake ones away.
It is hard to find the exactly perfect moment so I will
start with the most relevant. The month of May I had noticed that a check
bounced. I decided to lay off the clubbing to get my finances in order; I
wanted to be good for pride month. As I
withdrew from the gay scene I found it odd that the only person to call me was
Tammy, she called once and once I explained to him that I was taking time to
get other things in order I heard no more.
I began thinking
about everything, I thought on my friends and my money situation, my living
situation, my religion, my sexuality, promiscuity, my health, dates, past lovers, and of course
the two greats. I thought on all these things not because I had extra time from
not going out, I was working as much as I could and making my house into a
home, I was thinking because I was slipping into depression.
I have suffered from depression since I was in sixth grade,
whenever I would spot the warning signs that a big bout was coming I would
begin taking Saint John’s Wart and do whatever I could to spend time in the sun
and remain social but this time I ignored all the warnings and before I knew it
I was stuck in a rut.
I would become angry and explode then withdrawn. In a matter
of days I stopped talking to everyone including my roommates and my
mother. I tried to reach out to certain
people but they would not or could not understand what I was trying to say. I
looked to get apologies for past wrongs from those who claimed they loved me
and it took days to get an answer. I began to feel there was no point in
talking, I have said it all before. Past lovers only want to play with my
heart, my friends are only my friends when they see me, and my family should
not be burdened further with my problems.
I was convinced that there was nothing I could do about my problems.
The Sunday before Memorial Day my buddy Bombshell insisted
that I come to her BBQ. I told her I was coming from work and
empty-handed. She put her foot down and told
me I had to come. I had been dodging here for weeks with legitimate sounding
excuses and this time she was not having it. She missed me and wanted to see
me. So to her house I went where I drank till marry, smoked pot and ate. I had
a blast and forgot about all of my problems. If I had my way the night would
not have ended until I passed out but most of us, including myself, had work
the next morning.
On the way home I felt alone again and helpless and all I
could think of was the Benjamin Franklin Bridge. It was late at night and I
would not really know what was going on until I smacked the water. Not to
mention I was drunk. As I walked north
on 5th street MeTo sent me a text about being horny. I told him how
shitty I felt and that I was going to end it. He kept texting me insisting that
I don’t do it. The text went on for a while and before I knew it I made a wrong
turn and I was at the 42 bus stop. So I figured I would get on the bus, go home
and go to sleep. At this point I was thinking there was a good chance I might
have cancer. I told every who I thought
mattered and a few people were supportive Bombshell was the most supportive
telling me where to go to get a biopsy.
I was using the free clinic and they only did an ultra sound
and I was waiting on the results. So with the cancer fear, MeTo making his
usual promises and not following through, and being depressed and not talking
about it I sat on my porch smoked a cigarette and talked to MeTo who decided to
finally call. I told him I would not commit suicide and went to bed.
The next day I got up feeling no effect of a hangover and
went to work. I remembered ALL the events of the previous day and was
embarrassed and ashamed. I tried to distract myself from all of the racket in
my head with the music on my phone and the game Candy Crush. Work was work, I
put on my typical performance of, “Nothing is wrong, and I will make you
laugh.” My coworkers loved working with me and I honestly loved working with
them we had each other laughing constantly and they enjoyed my jokes and quips.
As the week went on there was nothing from MeTo until
Saturday, he sent me a text. I recall sending him something unkind in return;
obviously I do not matter as much as he says I do. If a friend of mine told me
he was planning to commit suicide I would call the next day and several times
thereafter to ensure he is fine, if the love of my life who, keeps giving me
chance after chance was talking about it, I would be ready to be on the move.
Here I only got a text five days later.
I was hurt and that only exacerbated things. Monday I woke
up numb wanting to feel something, I got out of the shower looked at myself and
decided to cut my hair. I missed my long hair but I resented it at the same
time, I felt like I could feel an old part of me return and it lasted a short
while.
I just made it to work and the shock on people’s faces was a
new high, many loved it. That night I tried to write. I had tried to write for
several nights and nothing would come I would stare at my screen and long for
the words to come but they just would not come. I had two posts that I was
working on previous and I could not complete them. For four weeks I was unable
to write and so I went to bed where I dreamt of the same nightmares. MeTo and I
getting back together, MeTo sending me a text he was giving up on us to see
where things would go with someone new, me getting cancer and losing all of my
hair, being in pain in hospice, having to look into the face of my mother as
she watched her son slip away, my grandmother losing the only link she had to
my father, me falling for a man who found joy in tormenting me knowing that I
would stay because it was better than being alone. Night after night I was
tormented with these dreams and no matter what I ate, or watched, or listened to
nothing altered them in the least bit.
I woke Tuesday morning inspired to write finally. I began to
write and the words flowed so smoothly and so eloquently it was some of the
best writing I had ever done and I felt so much better like a weight had been
lifted off of my entire body. I then decided that if this was going to be the
last thing I ever write then I may as well make sure that all those effected
would see it. I sent an email to my mother aunt and MeTo. I then posted what I
wrote on my blog and then I posted the link on Facebook and tagged all my
friends. I then shut off my phone and came up with the plan.
