Heads Up and Happy Holidays

There have been practically no post for the month of December. This was sort of done on purpose. I have been writing but taking my time doing so to provide better thought out post with clear grammar and no spelling errs.

Lots has happened this month from celebrating Hanukkah for the first time to the long prep for Christmas. I have loved every bit of December and there is a lot to write about.  I have finally started receiving my GQ and Details magazines and the cookbook is getting many new recopies added to it.

I have not spoken to my mother as much as she would like and I have a feeling that soon I will have to tell her that my life is too connected to MeTo’s for me to continue acting like my Indigo Life does not Exist.

Nevertheless, check back soon for my review of 2009 where I will summarize not just my life but, Jay’s, Phil’s, RJ’s, Lou’s and all the people that cross our paths and keep us connected.

To all my devoted readers I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

We’re in Love

Recently I have noticed that there are few post explaining the love that I have for MeTo, well this will be more like a post about the love we have fore each other, because it is hard to understand how the relationship works from only one side.

The night before I thanksgiving MeTo and I went to Philly for the Pink Pub Crawl. The first stop was my grandmother’s; we both enjoyed spending time with her and my aunt.  She was so happy to see him that she made it quite clear that when I came to visit he was welcomed as well. Later we went to the pub-crawl, which you will have to read about latter.

The night of thanksgiving I went back to my grandmother’s to pick up the stuff that I left the night of the pub-crawl.  When I got there, I was so anxious to get back to MeTo that I ran to the bus and then called to see if I was going to make my train, and much to chagrin I was not.  Therefore, I went back to my grandmother’s and spent the night.  In the morning, my aunt decided she was going, to give me a ride to 30th Street train station and I was surprised at what she had to tell me.

She looked at me and told me that it was evident that MeTo and I loved each other. I was shocked and hearing that, not because it was in accurate jut that I thought I was doing a good job of not being all lovie dovey around her and my grandmother.  I asked how she knew and she told me it was in the way we looked at each other and talked to each other.  I was still surprised that she saw all she saw.

I thought about this part of our chat for awhile and just recently realized that no matter how hard I try there are just some things you cannot hide from certain people.  MeTo and I have had our fair share of bad times but our good times are far more often and far bigger than our bad ones.  We have made so many great memories going upstate to be with his family, going to the movies, out to dinner, cooking together, talking about our future, decorating and all the many other happy things that couples do. 

So many times, we have done things like cleaning together and realized that with anyone else, it would have been a real chore, but together it was a fun task that we look forward to doing again together.

Our only really fight is about who loves whom more, and who is more attractive.  I always say he is cutter and I love him more and he thinks the opposite.  However, like all of our argument we respectfully agree to disagree and go on to loving each other.

My point to tall of this is one thing, my relationship with MeTo may be broadcast on here as having lots of troubles and uncertainties but all in all I am head over heels for the man I am in love with. He makes me happy and he makes a point to tell me that he loves the little things like me cooking him dinner, baking him a desert, cleaning the house, or listening to him talk about the good the bad and ugly of his day.  All of which are thing I enjoy to do for him and are no burden to me but the mean a lot to him. In addition, all the little things he does for me among some huge ones such as being there when I lost my job and holding down the fort until my unemployment kicked in.

To know if you truly love someone, examine your relationship and when the small things mean far more than the big things that is when you know for sure.  To see him breathing and smiling is far better than him buying me a gift and I know if to see him smile is all I get from him for the rest of my life than I will live I heaven for the rest of my earthly days.

AWESOME ! ! !

It Takes a Love Letter (Missing Week Pt.2)

MeTo and I had dinner Friday night to talk about the necessary steps we were going to take in order to save our relationship. It was not that we were in danger of breaking up but we had got to a point where we both realized things had to change for both our sanities’ sake.

We met on South Street and had a nice dinner at a German restaurant; it was the first time I went to a restaurant of that type.  The food was great but the conversation was not filled with cool hot topics.  We talked about every aspect of our relationship and what we could do to repair it. The conversation lasted the entire dinner.

I have to admit I did meet him with a little contempt I was not happy that he insisted on dealing with this now.  But the end of our conversation I did feel we were on the road to progress.  He got to know me a little better and I found out how he felt about me a little better.

We latter decided to grab a drink from Q lounge, I was dying to see what the new placed looked like.  It was clear that he was feeling better about the situation but I was still not in the mood to be all lovey dovey.  As the night progressed so did the time and b4 we knew it was too late for him to get back home safely.

I called Kim to see if we could crash at her place and I got her voice mail, so I sent her a text.  To my surprise, she called me while we were in 12 Air and I explained to her what was going on and she was in the city and decided to come pick us up.

Kim and MeTo hit it off and I was happy that they seemed to get along really well.  We chatted for a little bit once we got to her house then I just passed out. In the morning, she and her new roommate had to go to a meeting.  While they were out MeTo and I relaxed and got a little touchy, feely I was not in the mood but I pretended to be for his sake.

He later wanted to go out to eat so I texted Kim and asked if she and her roommate wanted to go to Denny’s she told me that we would all go to this other one that she liked a lot.  The dinner was cool and the food was excellent.  I was shocked to see that all she ordered was oatmeal. She then dropped us off at the Chester transportation center where MeTo and I took the R2.  I got off at my stop and he continued to center city so he could go back home.

I was somewhat happy to see him go.  I needed time to digest what we talked about and for him to show me he meant what he said.

I got to my mom’s and watched a movie with her and my step dad.  The rest of the day just went slow and I packed to go to my grandmother’s.  The next day I was going with them to my father’s grace to pay respects for his birthday.  I thought it stupid but I went to make my grandmother happy.

I got to my grandmother’s just as my aunt was leaving for work and we all chatted for a brief stent. I then went to watch TV.  While I was watching MeTo called and decided to read me a love letter that I had written him, it was the one I wrote after he threw me the surprise party.  When he finished reading I remembered the feelings I had when I wrote it and was reminded how much he still means to me, more today than yesterday.  I finally started to miss him as I was supposed to be.  After watching two and a half movies, I called it a night and went to bed.  I hated the fact that he was not there for me to cuddle with.  It took a while but I went to sleep.

The next morning I was dressed and left with my family for the long drive to my father’s cemetery.  Immediately after getting back, I had my aunt take me to the EL and I was on my way back to MeTo a day early. On the first of November.  

The Missing Week

Many blogs got started the week that I took off but few were finished.  After having finished a huge redesign of TIL I decided to take a break from blogging, it just so happened to coincide with my relationship issues.

From my last real post, it is safe for one deduce that I had a lot of thinking to do, mostly about what I wanted currently in my life. 

MeTo walked me to the train, we chatted while waiting, and once on, I was surprised at how much I missed him.  The idea of not seeing him whenever I wanted made my heart sink.  I had told MeTo to just let me be and not to call me until I called him.  He was being extremely patient and understanding, he even gave me money to spend while I was hanging out with my friends.  He set the rules by saying this, “You can look but don’t touch, you can flirt but don’t go home, and if you get them to buy you a drink I want to hear about it because you’re saving me money.”  I laughed and agreed.

My first stop once getting into Philadelphia was my mother’s job. I figured I would put my stuff in her car and then figure out where I would go next. Much to my surprise, we spent a lot of time talking about end of the world type stuff and religion.  We did not argue or debate but shared views and used each other to gain a better understanding of current events and scriptures.  We talked about other stuff as well and it was nice to, just talk to my mother like back in the day.

After leaving my mom, I decided to; just go to my mom’s house, once I was from underground on the El I called my aunt to see what she was up to and if she was up for a visit.  Needles to say she was and I spent most of my Friday chatting it up with my grandmother and aunt.

A lot of the conversation with my aunt was spent talking about Mr. MeTo and how I was feeling about him and our relationship.  I was surprised that I figured out that not only did I know where my life was going but also it was going where I wanted it to go.

When I got home that night, I talked to my mother about her night and hoped she would tell me about how she made new connections. It was a short conversation that ended with her telling me how she had fun and that was about it.  As soon as I was alone in the middle room, I called MeTo.  He was shocked to hear from me and I explained to him that I missed him as soon as the train started taking off.  It was a brief conversation, as I had to get ready for my hearing the next day and he had stuff to do in the lab.

The next day I got up and hurried to my hearing for unemployment. It was a stressful long ride and it happened to be raining.  I was dressed nice and as luck would have it missed the train that would have gotten me there on time.  I called and I was told that word would be passed but no guaranties.

A train ride bottle of coke a phone conversation with Jay and a bus ride later, I made it to be only 20 min late.  I walked inside and much to my surprise when I walked into the room; there was no one from traction.  I was slightly pissed.  This was just a mean way of them trying to save a buck.  To add insult to injury they even had a nerve to had submitted crappy evidence.  I won my case hands down.

On the way out, I chatted with the referee who was nice and she told me she was ruling in my favor and would try to get things to move quickly.

MeTo called as I was waiting for my bus and I told him I won but had bad reception and would call him latter.  A bus ride, a long wait, a train ride, a conversation with Jay, an el ride and two soft pretzels I was finally back in Delco and in a car with Jay.

It was the first night of the World Series and we were headed to our friend Sam’s.  On the way, I get to see Erica, the same one that introduced me to jay and I had not seen since.  Once at Sam’s, we watched harry potter, drank ginger ale and passed one Dutch for each point the Philly’s got.  Needles to say it was the highest I had ever gotten.  First chance I got I went home and slept it off.

The rest of the week was boring with a few sad attempts at trying to write. I decided to go see my aunt and grandmother again and on my way, I forced to deal with the one thing I had been trying to deal with on my own and in my own way, my relationship with MeTo.

He sent me a text telling me something along the lines of how we would be fine, it read dramatic and the situation needed us not to be so dramatic.

The first thing I said to my aunt when I got to her house was, “I might have to breakup with ‘MeTo’.” Her reaction was don’t and then she asked why.  I gave her the rundown of what we were dealing with, how I felt about it, how I wanted to deal with it and how he was dealing with it.  We talked in detail over the night and she gave me some sound advice and of course like everyone that has met MeTo told me to stay with him.

To be honest while I entertained the thought and may have made my mouth move to speak the words, breaking up was never an option in my mind or heart. Just as I, my aunt went up stairs for a moment my phone rang.  It was MeTo and he told me he was coming to Philly so we could discuss things.  I had just made y mind that I would be coming home Sunday and as soon as I got back I would discuss everything with him.  However, as he was telling me and not really asking I just went along.

I remember feeling slightly angry, how dare he come down and put a halt to my me time.  I needed this week to get my head together.  Yet I still allowed it.  I made up some excuse as to why I had to get off the phone and told m aunt what had just happened.  She thought to be a good idea and asked what I thought I had to admit she was right, I have to hand it to aunt LAB she has a way of making me see the light.

I went home, laid out my outfit for Friday, and chatted with my mother.  I got on my laptop and began to try and writ again but the week proved that it was pointless.  I would either be interrupted when my phone would ring or my emotions get the best of me and I would slip into LaLa land.  So ended up surfing the net until the early morning when I just fell asleep.

I spent most of Friday chatting with my sister and reminiscing about the times when it was nice to shut out the world and just be not only her big brother but also her best friend.  I went to get ready and just as I was about to head out the door my mother got home from work and she noticed I had on makeup.  I tried to half lie but she refused to let me out the house.  It was all in fun but it was still a little annoying.

I got of the El in CC at 6:30 but MeTo had been waiting for almost a half hour as he got to Philly earlier than he thought.  We decided on a German restaurant and while the food was great, the conversation was a little strong for my taste.  We did come to a better understanding of each other and all issues were dealt with.

(To Be Continued. . . )

Rate Your Friends Looks !!!

It goes by what grade you'r in because of ur looks
kindergarten- OMG put a bag over your head
1st-borrow the kindergarteners bag but u can put a hole for your eyes
2nd-you get a bag on the head, with holes for the eyes and the mouth
3rd- no bag for u, just stay on the other side of the room
4th-go where you please... just don't talk to me
5th-ok you can say hi..thats it
6th-whats your name...ok bye
7th-hi im josh
8th-what you doin 2nite??
9th- how about the movies
10th-dinner and a movie??
11th-walk on the beach
12th-my place?? leave b4 i wake up
college-my place,,, and u can stay for breakfast
masters degree-lets do it right here right now!!!!

Sweet

A Phone Call

phone call,relationship,MeTo,Vixc b,Philly,aunt LAB

So, MeTo called me and wanted to discuss our relationship, rather to tell me that he was coming down the next day so we could go out and talk about us.  I was shocked to see that he was the one calling me.  To be very honest I did not want to talk to him, especially after what happened earlier.

While I was on the trolley to go see my aunt, MeTo called me.  I was shocked to see it was he and answered, he told me he wanted to talk.  When I asked about what he was very vague and said, “Stuff.”  I tried to get him to be more specific.  He began talking about our relationship.  I thought to myself, “I thought we both agreed, this week was about me.”

I could never understand why he could not just let me be, leave our relationship alone until I got back from dealing with me.  When I got to my aunt, I told her about what was going on.  She was very understanding much to my surprise and she was able to see things from both perspectives.  She enforced what I was thinking about MeTo and, she helped me to see what I was feeling.

Her suggestion was to talk about everything with him and get on the same page.  I must admit everyone I talk to dose not want the two of us to break up.  I was considering calling it quits but she told me not to just yet and no matter how bad I make the situation seem everyone tells me to hang in there.

So tomorrow me to and I will have dinner to hash things out.  I had wanted the entire week to be a me week.  One where I could gain perspective on the situation, how I was feeling and what I wanted.

I did figure out that I am smarter when it comes to relationships than I thought and I do have a greater plane for my life than I had imagined.  I realized all of this while talking to my aunt.  She learned from me and me her despite the serious age difference.  However, that goes to show you that you are never too old and never too young to teach and to learn.

Interesting.

Hot Song Creepy Video.

Kandi : Fly Above Lyrics

Verse 1
I’m so comfortable in the skin I’m in, I’m secure about who I am, so you go ahead and talk all you wanna, I built up a shell and it’s hard and it’s armored. It seems like every step I take up, drama comes along with the bread I cake up. But you aint doing nothin if you don’t have haters, so I welcome you to do what’s in your nature.
Hook
I’m like a jet airplane, way too high to hear you throwing salt on my name. I know I’m not the only one if people love to hate you go and throw your hands up go ahead and spread your wings cuz you gotta fly above.
Chorus
I fly above all the drama, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me. So I fly above all the haters, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me
Verse 2
If everybody hatin’ cuz you fly-i-i, then gon throw yo hands in the sky-i-i, if people jealous cuz you live yo li-i-ife, then gon throw yo hands in the sky-i-i, see I aint even worried bout you and your insecurities, the only thing that matters is my family and G.O.D. I’m a shooting star but my feet still on the ground and when you flying high people wanna shoot you down
Hook
I’m like a jet airplane, I’m way too high to hear you throwing salt on my name. I know I’m not the only one if people love to hate you go and throw your hands up go ahead and spread your wings cuz you gotta fly above.
Chorus
I fly above all the drama, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me. So I fly above all the haters, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me
Bridge
All you haters (haters), you’re the wind beneath my wings (wind beneath my wings), you just make me fly higher (higher), higher (higher), higher, ooh you just make me fly higher, make me fly higher, make me fly higher
Hook
I’m like a jet airplane, way too high to hear you throwing salt on my name. I know I’m not the only one if people love to hate you gon and throw your hands up go ahead and spread your wings cuz you gotta fly above.
Chorus
I fly above all the drama, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me. So I fly above all the haters, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me

I am about to hey my hair twisted.
-Vixc B-

New (Gross) Study: Most Men Don't Wash Hands After Bathroom - BY L. K. REGAN

PUBLISHED OCT 30, 2009

Here's some news that will make you think twice about the casual handshake: British researchers have found that less than a third of men wash their hands after using the toilet. In these days of swine flu pandemic, that's a pretty scary statistic. Worse yet, the researchers found there are few ways to persuade guys to clean up their act.

The British study, published in the American Journal of Public Health, depended on a devilishly simple design: place sensors in bathrooms at service stations on British highways. These sensors were set to survey the water-and-soap behavior of the quarter of a million or so people who came through in the course of 32 days of observation. The researchers were hoping to find that people dutifully scrub their hands with soap after each visit—since, as the study authors write, "Hand-washing with soap has been ranked the most cost-effective intervention for the worldwide control of disease." In fact, if people would wash regularly with soap and water, over a million deaths from diarrheal diseases per year might be prevented. And that's not to mention that the CDC recommends hand washing as one of the most effective ways of slowing the spread of the swine flu pandemic.

Sadly, the study's results were not particularly auspicious. Less than a third of the men and two-thirds of the women who passed through the bathrooms during the study washed their hands with soap and water after using the toilet. So, researchers tried presenting bathroom users with a variety of messages to try to impact those statistics, and find out what motivates people to wash up. Electronic message boards at the bathroom entrances flashed a variety of hand-washing warnings, allowing the researchers to see which messages impacted behavior within the bathroom.

The messages showed a full range of approaches to hand-washing. Some were gentle reminders of the facts of hygiene; for instance, "Water doesn't kill germs, soap does." Others were more, well, explicit—for example, "Don't take the loo with you—wash with soap." Men and women differed in their behavioral responses to the messages. Women reacted best to the basic reminders that they ought to wash. Men, however, responded best to the gross-out effect, with messages like, "Soap it off or eat it later."

Not surprisingly, the most effective message overall involved shame and peer pressure. "Is the person next to you washing with soap?", when flashed on the board, got 12 percent more hand washing out of men and 11 percent more from the women. So the next time you're in the bathroom, wash your hands with soap and warm water (rubbing the soap into your hands for long enough to sing the alphabet through twice—that's about 20 seconds). It's the best thing you can do today for your own health and that of everyone you encounter through the day. And if the guy next to you isn't using soap, make sure he sees you staring!

Don’t Cross Vixc B

Vixc b,ex,breakup,boyfriend,loss,anger,revenge,apology,past,sorry

Today I brought back to life an old project that I once wanted to work on a few years ago. I was shocked to find that the project required me to talk about my ex Mr. M. I am not sure but I have a strong feeling that he is still vaguely in my life for a reason.  Sure he is almost 3000 miles away and we hardly ever talk to each other. I read his blog every now and then because it makes me feel great to know that while my life is going in a positive direction he is having trouble finding a job just lost the man who he thought was the love of his life after he gave him hell and is sad to be miles away from all he knows.

I know it is not the Christian way but it’s the human condition. In the process of writing about my past I realized that I still don’t have an answer to an important question. When he broke up with me he could not leave it at just that he asked if we could still be friends. To be exact he said, “I would like it if we could still be friends.”

I to this day cannot make since of it. He and I had nothing in common. We lived 2 hours away from each other, I was a light drinker, light smoker and preferred to keep drugs out of my life.  He took pride in the fact he was a heavy drinker, he liked smoking and did pot, he took pills and liked to dress as a fairy every now and then. I used British slang and he hated it. He was the tit for tat type of guy and was the all is fare in love and war. He welcomed dram and I cut drama queens out my life. So why stay friend with me?

I picked up my phone and before I knew it I was on the second ring. I realized that this was a very bad Idea. Before he had made a trip to Philly we were talking frequently and decided to make a point to hang out. As the day neared I got no call and have not heard from him since. After the bad blog I wrote calling him ever negative gay name in the book. He wrote me a letter which stated between the lines that he only wanted to be friends when it was convent for him. It hurt to imagine that someone would imply that but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and his actions or lack thereof proved it.

I want to cut him out my life, but I feel some kind of attachment to him. I know he was my first official love and all but at some point a person should feel the need to let go. I just don’t understand and I guess I still want answers to questions that only he can answer.

I am a real friend and all my friends agree. If you ask me for advice I tell you what you need to hear, not want to hear. If you need me for something I am there, if I can help you out I will and there has not been a person I have ever called friend that I have not done that for.

Mr. M keeps me at a distance, no matter how much I let him in he refuses to be my real friend. I have done things for him and they remain unreturned, I have given him advice only to have him respond negatively when I came to him. To be honest I think I just may hate him and want to inflict my own damage upon him. No matter how bad things in his life get they are not as bad as I want them to be. Maybe if I ran him over in a car, or stabbed him, they seem like good ideas but that hurts him physically and I want to hurt him emotionally. When I found out what happened to him and Joe I felt it was not good enough.  I want him to either realize the effect of his actions on me and truly apologize or to suffer.

That’s just it, and I refuse to cut him out my life until justice is served. I want Karma or Vixc B to do its best and worse in his life and I want him to realize it to late.  

 

Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

Did You Miss ME?

Hey guys just want to let everyone know that I did not post last week but I did do writing. So starting soon a will be unleashing a plethora of back post.

Funnie As Hell?

A Little About Me

I am a gay male at the point in life where I am just living my life. I am happy to say that a lot of the important things that make a person who they are, are happening for me now up to and including the whole super style thing.

In my blog I write about my life and all the lessons that I am learning as a young gay male. One would be surprised at how much I have learned and still learning. From what type of people you can trust to how to spot a relationship that will last.
Yes I have had my faire share of heartache, from guys who showed up for only a brief moment in my life, like Damien and Ramon to the one who was there for a great while and really brook my heart Mr. M. These are all people I have mentioned in the past and still pop into my life every now and then.

There was a time I tried to run away from my problems, in October of 2008 I moved to New York City. I had just begun to get the swing of things when I saw a friends true colors and decided to move back home to Philadelphia. It was stupid I knew in my heart, I could not run and it took me only a month to come back to my real friends, Jay Taylor, Luis Lisojo, and Phil Greway.

It was a good thing I came back home. I had made up in my mind I would give up on the search for love and I would just swing from guy to guy and from good time to good time. I was truly totally happy for the first time in my gay life and that’s when it happened. I found the one.

It was not long before I moved in with him. And since then I have been learning how to maintain a healthy relationship and important friendships. He has been my support, when I found out Jay had HIV, when Lou moved to SC, when Phil seemed to had fallen from the face of the earth he has been my other self my, MR. MeTo.

Remote post test.
-Vixc B-

It Was Awesome

outfest,OutFest,gayborhood,phl,philadelphia,NJ,Vixc B,fun,Friends Singing,Jay,lou,NJ

I would love to say that OutFest was an eventful event but it truly was not. However I did learn a few things. 

So I went down the Saturday before so that I could get a replacement ID. I had lost my wallet and I am still not over that. When I got to the DMV it was 2:00, closed and I was pissed. I checked the web site before I left and it said open Saturday 8 something to 4:15. I read the sign on the door that was taped from the inside and looked like it was about to fall off and it said that the place would be closed Saturday and Monday for Columbus day. Like is Columbus day that serious you need to be closed TWO days.

I call MeTo vented, then I called Jay and vented. After I felt better I went and bought a coke and decided I would go see my best friend. I hung out there and then went to my mom’s and worked on my writing. When she asked why I was in town I simply told her that I had an event to go to on Sunday. She was to happy to see me to give any disproving looks.

When Sunday hit I sent a text to the crew telling them I would met them down there. It took a good while for me to get dressed most of my time was spent doing my makeup. It was MeTo’s and my 9 months and I felt it customary to put some on as he likes it, a lot.

While getting dressed a still groggy Jay called to ask what time I was leaving. After talking about what I was going to wear jay decided he would get up and get dressed. Then he wanted me to meet him at his place so we could go down together. To make a long story short jay took his time about getting dressed and before I knew it my plan to be in the hood by 12 turned into almost 2. But I will admit we made a dynamic duo. We got looks from every angle both male and female.

I was not a block away from the festivities before I heard my name called several times it was my friend Andrew, really tall really book smart but when I came to picking out decent guys dumb as a door knob but I guess that’s most gay men.  It was also the first time Jay met Andrew face to face. We continued on and I got a call from Luis and I told him where to meet us and we went to find MeTo and Ian.

When I bumped into my man I was surprised to see that he dresses really well, to the point Jason went into a loud scream and gave him a huge compliment. I was proud as the jeans and jacket he was wearing was picked out by me. We met with Lou and then my friend Dan and I had one big entourage. We walked all over the gayborhood and I caught up with my Friend Dan.

Dan and I chatted about our days at the prep who from school we kept in contact with and the ever favorite discussion, “Who’s gay.” Dan was about the 40th person to tell me that Neal was not only gay but a total ass hole who just cut all his old friends out his life. Dan also told about he special someone and what he has been up to now that he was done with college.

Ian was quiet and not feeling so well, a bit hung over from the night before. I did my best to include him and with him being the quite type I was worried he was going to get lost in the big gay crowd. It was like having a child I would be deep in conversation look around, not see him then yell, “Where is Ian?” only to have him say I’m right here and giggle.

As for Phil, Tia, and RJ they never showed. Phil had to work and failed to tell me until I was already down there. Tia was hanging with our friend Sam. RJ is dating a new guy and I guess they got lost in each other’s eyes or some romantic shit like that.

The day chugged on and I had one disappointment aside from no ID, I missed Jay’s performance. The first one I missed was my fault but I wanted to see the second and I did not hear him say he was going to go sing but Lou did and sunk off without making sure the group followed.

We all then went out to dinner at ruby Tuesday’s and it was good time until MeTo, Ian and Dan had to get back to NJ to catch the last river line. It was a good time and Jay and I walked around and danced in the street at TOC and then grabbed a drink with a guy that was into jay.

Your probably wondering how did I grab a drink with no ID. Well the place we met Jay’s friend did not card and Jay’s friend picked up the whole tab which I imagined to be huge as he paid with two 100 dollar bills.  Both Jay and I looked at each other and he asked, “Did you see that.” We were impressed. I know it sounds shallow but we’re gay and to have fun in the gayborhood you either have to have money or know people who have money.

So we took our tired ass’s home and parted way on the 113 bus. It was a good time and when I have both my man and my friends in one place I feel like I am on the top of the world. So OutFest was Awesome.

Cool Link

The art of "Talking"

dirty talk,sex talk,sex,gay sex,talking,party,sex party

As one would have it, holding a conversation is not a casual thing. There are times we are forced into having a conversation. Such as when we meet someone new that we find to be dull, or when we are forced to be the only person left in the room with that family member we do not like, that insist upon asking about school, or work. We all have moments that we just wish we could be somewhere else or with someone else.

Then there are those conversations that we must have with our significant other. We talk about money, the future, what we want for dinner, or plan to do something when we are bored. Many times in a healthy relationship we will find that, that conversation can lead to sex and how it does is more than interesting.

Some guys will use dirty talk as a segue to the main event or events if you’re lucky. While sometimes dirty talk can be just that, the main event. The art of dirty talk seems to be one that is fallen by the way side. I used to be good at it, I could use my words to get both men and women off, but like with most skills it’s a matter of using it or losing it.

Dirty talk is a very complicated thing, which artfully displayed in SATC episode 202. We see Miranda persuaded to get into dirty talk by her boyfriend. She gets into it but when she says the wrong thing her mans leaves her, single again. It makes people wonder what some good sex talk tactics are. Most of us live in a world where avoiding the bad three, is so old school. At dinner parties we love it when the ice is broken and we can all talk about Sex, Politics and religion. When we add convo about contraband and alcohol it really becomes a party. We enjoy talking and hearing about each others’ sexcapades. It’s in the joy of these moments that we learn a lot about the person we are currently sleeping with. Sometimes it’s exciting while other times it’s a little shocking.

“You did what? With who? When?” the questions and the conversation is no longer simple, we have to pay attention to our partners tone and inflection on every word of the story to figure out if what they did was a fun experience or a nightmare. Once you have figured out which stories are good and which are bad, and when you know how they feel about your stories you can now mix it up.

You can try the things you both had an interest in but never actually introduced to the bedroom because you just did not see the other as that freaky. Then you can insinuate with your dirty talk what you are willing to try. Never just come out and say, “I wanna handcuff you to the bed and eat whipped cream off you, like your ex did.” And even if you leave off the, “like your ex did,” the conversation could bring back the night that you had the conversation and they then will think about the ex, and shit just got a whole lot more complicated.

Instead you can say, “I wanna tie you up and lick you all over.” They will really have to stretch their mind to get the, “Like your ex did.” As the conversation continues you can add elements like cherries or strawberries which will lead to the whipped cream.

The goal is to leave your partner wanting to hear your next line. If they can’t think of anything to say they should be able to say, “Oh yes and then what.” Then if you lead it with a “You start doing (whatever)” it should not be long before you dirty talk leads to sex, if that’s the goal, or you can end your conversation by changing the subject.

Dirty talk is fun and it helps you to not only work on your communication skills but also your creativity. I guess I still got it. Typically MeTo and I just call each other names during sex not too much dirty talk, but to each his own and if you like it I love it.  

My BFF has HIV.

Fags and Drama. Again!

What is it that makes gay men and drama go hand and hand? I honestly cannot stand it anymore. My best friend Jay and I have had some issues and we never have made a big deal out of it. It was always “let’s get over this ASAP so we can go back to having fun.” Why doesn't the rest of the Gay world work this way?

Mr. MeTo and I are in love and we hate to deal with drama. We learned how to talk not argue we are now going on ten months and have only had one fight several disagreements but only one fight and the fight and make up took about two hours.

So I have 4 gay best friends, a boy friend a mother who disapproves on of me being gay and then all my other family members. Out of all those people none of them give me as much drama as the people I simply chat with every now and then. I am constantly giving advice on issues that simply are not advice worthy, and they pick fight with me over the dumbest of things. When I try to correct the issue instead of being direct or answering yeas or no questions with a yes or no they rather beat around the bush and prolong the dramatic discussion to the point where I say, “Fuck it, when your over it let me know.” I have no room for drama.

I can’t help but find it fascinating. I am friend with people who have next to no money, don’t get along with family members, are struggling with school, constantly going through guys and it the people who could easily be happy that run down my text messaging, run down y monthly minutes, light up mu aim and msn with stupid shit. And to top it all off when I ask them for advice they don’t know shit.

So this is dedicated to all the Drama Fags. I don’t have time or energy, when your done with the bull call me but until then. I’m busy with being a grown up.

No Cross Dressing Allowed!

Most recently I read an article about a how an all male college has cracked down on cross dressing. The article was a nice short read that was written from an unbiased perspective. The article gave the facts and spoke briefly of how some of the parties involved fell about it.

I have to admit having gone to an all male high school there are certain things that people expect of the graduates. I remember my freshmen year and seeing how many of the students bent the rules, wearing pajama pants to school because a belt was not part of the dress code. I enjoyed having a dress code. Many of my friends went to schools where they had a uniform and many of them liked it just as much if not more.

One of the joys in having a dress code is that it creates a uniform atmosphere without making it look or feel plain or unordinary. I was able to match my shirts with my paints how I saw fit and could use my ties and blisters to express myself. All the student body either did not mind or enjoyed the dress code as it allowed room for individuality and made getting dressed in the morning easier.

The pluses to having a dress code clearly outweigh the negatives for both the individual student, the entire student body and all school employees.

Now this private all male institution put a ban on Cross dressing while on campus and at college sponsored events. I cannot really have qualm with this ban as when one has made the choice to be in an all male environment  it is safe to express one’s self but within reasonable means. Cross dressing is something that makes even gay men uncomfortable at times. In a world where homosexuality is being slowly accepted it is necessary to show that we are not different from others. To many times people take things to the extreme and it creates controversy and misunderstandings.

A gay man starts to wear dresses every chance he gets, he is representing the gay community some people who never have contact with a homosexual until this have only one real impression of being gay. Now this same person has a family member who decides to come out of the closet. Their only idea of a gay man is not a positive one and all they can see is how this person is going to be “Different” and have trouble in life.

I am not saying that ignorance is an excuse to be intolerable of anything but when you have people constantly casting negative light on something and being a poor representative, all future parties must be understanding of this.

The women rights movement worked hard at trying to prove that women are equal to men it took years and is still fighting to move forward but if a woman decides to preach that a wife’s place is in the kitchen like the old stereotype says then the movement is set back. Now if a gay man decides to flaunt the fact that he is not only gay but likes the fact that he fits into the traditional stereotype of what a homosexual man is  we can not be angry that it is taking time for homosexuals to be accepted completely into society.

There is nothing wrong with a man preaching, “Men should act like men.” It’s not sexist if he is willing to be friend a homosexual.  I know that some guys cannot help but act feminine it’s their nature and even they are being accepted but to mix cross dressers and transsexuals in with ordinary people who are gay is not fair and to act the world to do so is wrong.

Society has dictated gender rolls and while man and woman has been amended to include equal right and homosexuality, the gender of a guy who acts like a female and dresses like a female fits into the category of if “if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck.”

And if a man wants to live as a female why should he be afforded the same privileges of both sexes? All male schools should remain all male schools. All Female schools should remain all female. By mixing in people who are in the middle mental and allowing them to act as in the middle individuals despite the reasons that single gender institutions exist.

Now this ban dose not infringe on ones freedom of speech, expression, or individuality. As these young men are still allowed to pick what they where and discuss issues that they want to when it is appropriate. Every day in the real world we all deal with the restrictions that are put on basic human rights so that we and those that we are around are protected.

I am a gay man who supports this as this ban has been put in place to create a higher standard of excellence in all its students, the reputation of the school and the dose not infringe greatly on the basic human rights of each student.  Not to mention if any student doesn't like it they do not have to attend that school as it is not a public institution.

While some people may disagree with me, think long and hard about what has really happened and is it a really something worth fighting over?

Now Thats Crazy

About a week ago I promised to blog about a string of crazy dreams that ended with one that was so crazy I had to tweet about it.

For some strange reason the idea of going back to high school has been haunting my dreams. I have had many dreams where I have decided to go back not just to high school in general but the Prep where I went for three out of my four years.  To be completely honest I hated High School I was that popular kid that everyone liked and most days I just wanted to fly under the radar.

Many of these dreams involve me going back to finish my last year, either because my other school’s diploma didn’t count or I just wanted a prep degree. To top all of this off I have been thinking about my Latin teacher from my freshman year, I had bumped into her a little over a year ago when I was working at Home Depot. I could not remember her pre marriage name which she insisted to be addressed by, but I was one of the few who could pronounce her new name correctly and that is all I can remember. 

In the dream I am attending school at the prep and I am pregnant. I am a pregnant man. Everyone knows I am a man and I act like a gy yet I have long hair and a huge stomach. At some point in the dream I am walking through the park and I am hit over the head, the next thing I know I am sting in Latian class and not feeling so well. My teacher insist that I go see the nurse but I refuse and tell her I am fine, I then go on about my day and everyone keeps asking if I am fine, my head felt ok but my ass was another story.

My ass was hurting and towards the end of class it had started bleeding. Now mind you everyone in this story knows that I am a guy even myself, I mean I still have a penis I am just pregers like Arnold in the movie Junior. My teacher sees me latter and asked if I went to the nurse and I told her no. I go on to bumb into the drug and alcohol counselor, who I am friend with and she ask if I am feeling well. For some reason I decide to tell her the events of my day and as I start doing so my ass starts bleeding again and she puts it all together and decides that I was rapped and need to go to the hospital for a rap kit.

All the while I find it odd how no one is really concerned for the baby and just my well being. I tell the counselor that I will be fine and just have to use the rest room. On my way I see my Latin teacher and she informs me she heard what happened and she called the police.  

To prevent going through what I think is going to be and episode of Law and order SVU I wake up. I have no idea what this dream means if anything but it was strange to say the least. It was one of those dreams where I kept waking up but every time I went back to sleep it picked up where I left off.

Hey Check This Out

Hey guys here is a cool link to check out. I will be adding them to the Permanint links once we do a redesign due to the fact I am Adding Video to "The indigo Life."

Royalty Free Music and Sound Effects Download the music and sound effects you need for your multimedia project today at Partners In Rhyme.

So Sad, Dont walk on strange streets.

Dont be what you eat.

Recently I found out that without a doubt my best friend from high school is not only gay but a total ass hole. While it seems odd to me because he was such a nice guy back then, he has totally cut all of his friends in the greater Philadelphia area off. Yesterday when I went to check my A4A account, I have it only to make friends; I noticed that I was set to the Philadelphia view. In the last frame I saw a picture that looked quite familiar so I clicked on it. Much to my surprise but no shock it was a family member of my mother’s side of the family. I had seen this person in the club and yet at family functions he has been a total ass hole not only to me but many other family members. I am out to all my family and I am very big in the Philadelphia gay social scene. One would think that if you have a secret you would befriend the only person who can blow the whistle on you. For those of you who are curious as to who this person is simply go back and read the violet blog, no surprise it’s him.

I don’t understand this way of thinking, people come out of the closet and decide to be total ass holes to the very people that will love and support them no matter what. I have had to deal with many of my mother’s family members judging me and feeling like my life is falling further and further away because many don’t approve, and this whole time one person could have been there making it a little easier but chose not to. I will admit I should feel some kind of pain but I am over it. I now have one up on this person and while my best friend used to be a great guy, to the gay community of Philadelphia he is known as an ass hole and that is not a good way to come out the closet. And as for my cousin he will not know true happiness until he accepts what he is and stops lurking in the shadows.

Homosexuals VS. Christianity

God,Christianity,homosexuals,converting,love,life,gay,pride 2009,OutFest 2009,compassion,peace,Jesus,Christ,G-d,voting,legislature,USA,United States,Human Rights,marriage

I find it extremely astonishing how Christians have been charged with spreading the word of Christ to all the world, Christians were given instructions as to how to do it by not just words but by examples. Christ went and ate with the criminals of his time; he showed love and compassion to the tax collector, the prostitute and all others who chose a life that did not conform to the laws of Judaism or the land. He went to those who he saw needed his love and brought them unto him by giving them compassion and showing them that he cares. He did not stand at a distance shouting that they need to change or burn in hell he did not disturb their parties or rituals no matter how bad he felt them to be.

Nowhere in the New Testament do we see Christ using angry words, insults, fear, or picketing to convert what one may call the wicked. He said that he came not just to deliver the world from sin but to give us examples as to how we should live our lives and love one another. Christ Shook hands and hugged the ungodly even before they accepted him. He is G-d and is the one who makes final judgment on all souls before they enter into the kingdom of heaven.

If one calls himself a Christian and refuses to associate with those who are not, he is making a choice not to fulfill his job assigned to him by Christ. If a person chooses to be a Christian and decides never to spread the word of G-d he is choosing not to fulfill his task assigned to him by Christ. Christians are called to spread the word of G-d to all people the way that Christ did while he was on earth. If you are a good Christian there is only one thing you need to do. Examine yourself, Do you share the word of G-d every chance you get. If you do share the word of G-d do you use fear and force or do you come as a person with love to share unthreatening and compassionate manner. If you can honestly say you share the word of G-d with only love and you share with everyone that you can share it with, you may call yourself a Christian.

History is peppered with people using Christ as an excuse to torture, murder, segregate, exterminate, and judge other people. If we take the word of G-d to someone and they choose not to accept then we have done our job. If we take the word of G-d to someone and they choose to accept then we rejoice and educate them on where to find the necessary resources to grow and become closer to G-d. G-D will touch their hearts and ask them to remove what he sees as unfit and damaging.

So many people call themselves doing the work of G-d to the extent that they go to far. The start judging, trying to force others to be like them. in doing so they mess up the very thing that they tried to get done in the first place. In order for G-d to work the way he wants to we must learn to recognize where our job is done and where it is time for G-d to intervene himself of send someone else.

I write this because after attending Pride and OutFest, I thought about how people were trying to “convert” the homosexuals. They addressed them, as living wrong, everyone shut down went into defensive mode, defending their lifestyle. There were no Christians just talking about the love of Christ and how accepting him can make your life better, It was all fire and brimstone. If this is how Christians plan to bring others to Christ then that explains why so many people are turned off by “religion”. People are still using taking the bible today, after all that history has shown us, and using it to push their own agendas.

I want to close with this. No matter how firm you stand in your religion and no matter how wrong it taught you to believe something is, this is the United States of America where there is separation of church and state, to prevent one religion from denying rights to the people of another. If your reason ageist gay marriage is religion based you need to stand down. I bet you can look into any religion and find reason to revoke the rights of anyone. It’s not faire to pass legislature based on religion and it’s not faire to vote on based only on religion.  

 

"The Indigo Life" is going Video

Only SEPTA - I Love Philadelphia

I got a shout out, This guy is too Funnie

Blog Entry dated 10/13/2009 1:31 AM

New Fav Song

Animals
By :Coldplay

Animals we are,
Disposable
Collapsible and raw
In you go,
Into some crowded room
Animals climb
and I'm climbin' over you
Until you say
"Off you go, off you go"

Animal I am
ad I'm lookin for an answer just like you
But I should know which way
to turn

Animal that runs
and I ran away from you
Because I'm scared
"Off you go, off you go"
(And you say)

If you're gonna go, go now
If you're gonna go, go now
I forgot to tell you how
so If you gonna go, go now

Animal you are,
Disposable, defenceless,
Yes I am
Watch your mouth,
Always watch your mouth,

Animal that runs
I made up my excuses
To you
And I missed my chance
By a stone's throw

If you're gonna go, go now
If you're gonna go, go now
I forgot to tell you how
so If you gonna go
Go now
Go now
Go now

I crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal,

I crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal,
(Yes I)

Crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal,
(Yes I)

Crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal

Growing UP

This past weekend I went to upstate NY with MeTo and his parents. It was a very relaxing weekend. MeTo and I had been dealing with our own issues and they were getting the best of us. We had fun and I did manage to get some writing other than my blogs done.

Saturday night we all decided to have a bond fire. While sitting around the fire we were joking and talking about all kinds of things, mainly the weather as it sounded like rain but there was a clear sky and no wind, yet it was still chilly.

When I went to put my feet closer to the fire I realized my footwear and a similar instance near a campfire and my boats. Over a year ago a friend of mine set fire to the front of my boats while I was talking to the person next to me. It was funny as it was only lighter fluid and not the actual boat that was on fire, pulse the fact that we were all drinking only made the situation funnier. I shared the story with the group and I then realized.

For quite awhile I had been hoping to relive the crazy days or before when there were crazy nights with no agenda but loads of fun, drinking and hilarious incidents that we would talk about for months to come.

In an instant it all hit me. I saw how things had not changed instantly but gradually over the past two years. I saw and realized that we were not deciding to change but we were growing up. The whole group has gotten more mature, some are finished college and working, some have serious girlfriends, some have decided they might be gay, and some have even been to prison. Our lives consist of more than just trying to get drunk. I know that we will eventually have a night or two when we party all night but it will never be the same. When you grow up you and your friends change if you make it past the just party stage then you will enjoy watching how you all change and grow.

I now have what some of my friends call a home life. I have an extremely serious boyfriend and a life that is intertwined with his. I am happy and cant help but brag about how great a person he is. I even find myself constantly on the lookout to get my friends connected. I watch as all these people that I used to party with are getting the grown up lives that we all knew one day would come and I am happy for them. While I do miss the old times and how we used to hang frequently, it does make the few times we get together now and reminisce while making new memories all the greater.

New Profile - About ME

Back in 2007 I came out of the closet and found my new life to be riddled with many difficult issues. All the friends that I hung out with on a regular basses I worked with, were significantly older than I was, and straight. Although I had received lots of support from my friends, none of them could really relate to me. I began to look to my boyfriend at the time, Mr. M for support but he was far from supportive. He ended up braking up with me after five weeks due to issues you can read about in The Indigo Life. I didn’t know it at the time but time to be single was exactly what I needed.

I began going to the clubs and learning what the gay stereotypical gay scene was like. It was boost to my self-esteem as I got hit on a lot and realized I liked to dance in clubs. It was not before long that I began making friends.

Shortly after Mr. M and I split I was invited to the birthday party of a friend’s friend. It was amazing how fast we hit things off dancing in the club and I was fitting right in and we all exchanged numbers, before long my friend’s friend was my best friend Jay. For almost a year we did everything together and we opened up to each other in ways I had longed to do with another person my entire life.

Through Jay I met his exes Phil and Lou and while Phil did not like me at first it was not long before we were hanging out on our own. I had dated Lou after Jay did for about two weeks it was after that that we decided we made better friends.

As for my friend Tia, our token lesbian, Jay has known her since he was two and she is a totally awesome person, we are close but with time we will get closer.

There were friends I gained and lost along the way and there while there was a falling out with my longest friend we are in the process of reconciliation.

Back in 2008 I came up with a new concept for my blog and how I look at the gay life. I was tired of overly feminine colors and the stereotypes that get associated with anything gay. I realized that the “Gay Life” is something that is constantly misunderstood by Hetero- and Homo- sexuals alike. But I still wanted my blog to have a gay theme and stand out from the others. After giving it some thought I realized that the color indigo is quite a misunderstood color, many people thinking that it’s a shade of blue or a shade of purple when in fact it is its own color having four separate shades.  It also happened to be the only color not on the gay flag and I hate that rainbow symbol. So I titled my blog The Indigo Life in attempt to help others to see what the real gay life is about.

I now live in New Brunswick NJ with my Boyfriend that I refer to as Mr. MeTo. I am in love and while being single for two years gave me a lot to write about in regards to finding love and keeping friends. Being in a relationship is giving me a lot to write about as far as growing up and balancing all that life gives you.

If you wish to know anything else or have questions simply ask or check out my blog I guarantee that all the answers you’re searching for are in there.

Moving for love

Moving for love

The act of moving for the sole purpose to be closer to your boyfriend or girlfriend is an act that no one person can agree on as weather a wise move or a bad move.

I had a chat with a friend of my aunt’s and while he supports anyone for up routing their life for someone else she and I were agents it. Sure he explained that while you’re young it’s all fine and dandy but the older you get the less you can afford to make such an error. The discussion ended up being about two coinciding issues but for the sake of keeping things simple I will just continue with my original topic in solidarity.

One of my best friends which I talk about from time to time has recently moved back to Philadelphia because things between him and his boyfriend did not work out in South Carolina. I had kept my opinion to myself about his decision to move but once he was back home I refused to bite my tong and told him that he moved for the wrong reason. I was not alone in my thinking.

When I moved to New York I received support because the reason for doing so was me. I moved because I wanted to move and start my own life there. It may seem a little hypocritical of me as my reason for moving to New Brunswick New Jersey was Mr. MeTo, there is no way I would have moved here on my own. There is a big difference in my case however. When I moved I was only 50min from my job and I was spending most of my time in NB, New Brunswick for short, anyway. I gave nothing up. My life remained the same and I had easy access to my friends. I even made arrangements so that if the relationship did in fact go south I would not have to move.   

I am in support of anyone who moves within a reasonable distance for love, so long as all that they are used to is not too far away.

I am agents anyone who moves such a distance that they have to change jobs and going to see friends and family has to be a planned several days to a few weeks in advanced. A move such as this requires a change in lifestyle. A move such as this should only be done for someone you are married to where it can be seen as an honest investment in one’s future. To do it for a boyfriend could be proved to be a waste of time and money.

When Lou moved to South Carolina as his friend I had to be supportive and hope and pray that the move would prove to work in his favor. It did not though and a good test to see that the move was a bad idea to begin with is when the relationship went south he had no choice but to move back north. There are things that one can do to make such a move worth it. If my friend had went down and saw the area and decided that he wanted to move, good idea, If he got a job and decided to move good idea or even if the reason for moving was his boyfriend, if had saw to it that he was going to be dependent on himself to survive and if the relationship would end that he would be happy to keep his new life then it would have been a good idea.

To think about how one must feel after they make such a sacrifice and realize that it was done not for them is enough to prove that it was not worth it.

I am all for love and the pursuit of it but all in all if after every sacrifice you make for love you can’t honestly say you would do it all over then it was not a sacrifice, but rather just another dumb mistake.

So Thats September

Life is getting ever so complicated, just a quick blurb to bring everyone up to speed. MeTo has decided to get back in touch with his religious side and just in time, as September contains two of the most holy of holidays in the Jewish faith. I have been alongside him every step of the way and quite supportive and it is leading me to get closer to God in my Christian faith.

September also happens to be my busiest month, as far as birthdays go. As I have said before I love my Virgos. So there was a trip to Philly to celebrate the 15th and a card was sent to celebrate my grandmother’s 70th birthday. Then the 19th which would have been MeTo’s birthday party turned out to be Rosh Hashanah, so instead we had a big dinner with his immediate family and I covered desert and the Challah, MeTo did lamb chops and roasted vegetables and Mom made matzo ball soup and Kasha Varnishkes. It was Jewish feast.

The day after was MeTo’s actual birthday and we spent the day in the big apple. His parents got him two tickets to Wicked and I truly enjoyed it. It required some digesting for MeTo but he came around. We then had real New York pizza and enjoyed central park and the sites that make the big apple what it is.

I went to my first Jewish religious ceremony on a Friday and the next day I threw MeTo a great party. 12 of his friends showed and we ate and danced and sang. We both had a wonderful time.

Sunday started Yom Kippur and I made a big meal of collard greens, candy yams, fried chicken, and collie flower for our pre-fast meal. Then in the early afternoon we went to services at the temple. I was really getting into the Jewish faith. Our breakfast was with mom and I found out some disturbing information about the New York City public school system.

That was the gist of my September and I hope to have greater details for you soon. So keep checking to see what’s new.

Blog Entry dated 9/15/2009

So today is my sister’s birthday and I am on my way to Philly. It’s kind of funny how I can relate my life more to SATC than Noah arc and I am a gay black man and not a rich middle aged white woman. They reason I say this is because my heart lies in Philadelphia and I moved away to be closer to the man I love. Much like Samantha did for smith. And the longer I am in New Brunswick the more I am finding excuses to get back to Philly. It’s not that I am unhappy with new Brunswick or the relationship I am in its just that I know Philly and can’t help but allow myself to get drawn back to the place I love, the one place that will always be home no matter how long I am gone.

So today’s excuse is a double birthday. As I have said before I love my verges and not only do I date them I am related to several. My sister’s birthday starts of the string of verge birthdays with a bang as she shares it with my other mother Brenda. So I talked to MeTo and he agreed that I should go and visit. So off I am going.

Naturally I called every member of my crew to inform them of my arrival and good thing I did as I now will get picked up from 30th St train station and not have to take septa.

The 15th is also a day of reflection. It’s an odd time in my life where many ends meet many beginnings. I tend to make and loose friends in September I tend to get a good view of the direction my life is going to for the rest of the year and while things look grim I am waiting and hoping to see signs of good things coming my way. It is kind of a coincidence. The most important of the Jewish holidays take place in September on of which makers the Jewish New Year. How fitting that September has always been the beginning of good new things for me.

Now I can’t help but think about how many times I typically would think about the future on my sister’s birthday. Asking myself would she be rich, find a nice guy, how many kids might she have and how would all of this effect birthdays in the future. Now I think about how birthdays past were so much simpler, a cake and a present would mean the world and now it’s become mediocre and something to avoid.

Anyone that he seen my sister interact, whether it be on the phone or in person know we absolutely love each other and would do all in our power to see the other happy. And now it’s not as simple. When you young you live with your sister and think nothing will drag you apart and then you both start to grow up and move to different places. You start to date and quality time is hard to come by. But we know that nothing can change our memories we share and the inside jokes that no matter how hard we try no one else understand.

The love of two siblings like my sister’s and mine cannot be tarnished. In our teen years we have done some crappy things to one another and while we know they were crappy we barely remember what they were as we have no reason to. If there is any person you can apply forgive and forget to it should be you siblings. If they truly love you each time they hurt you will hurt them more and no one likes hurting themselves.

Few people I trust with my life and darkest secrets but she is one. So for my sister being the epitome of an awesome little sister despite she ain’t so little any more I wish her a happy birthday, our teen years are officially behind us.

Happy People Life and Thier Counter Part.

What can be said about life and all the things in it? Compared to the span of the universe it is only a vapor if that, and yet all the moments in it, are so monumental. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, job promotions and events that we know we will only get to see one time. Many times we look for excuses to celebrate. We put emphasis on things that are mundane or common place so we can spend money and be merry. Not that this is a bad thing but it almost is proof that life is viewed as not worth living if you have no reason to celebrate.

It is for this reason we try our best in life and look for affirmation. It is getting this assertion from others that we can justify merriment. We are born and enjoy the fuss we get from our birthday and Christmas that when we see that mom and dad calibrate an accomplishment such as having a good report card or graduating, with a party we are overjoyed and strive to fill our lives with such accomplishments. We then begin to gain friends and age and realize we can provide our own calibrations and put emphasis on new year’s and other people’s birthdays. This list of scenarios goes on and on.

Ultimately we have kids and we celebrate their accomplishment with them and the cycle is set to continue.   We also learn that without the bad one cannot appreciate the good. Some have learned this lesson so well they go as far as to cause drama in their lives to make the smallest of good fortune seem extreme.  How am I so familiar with such a topic? If you read previous blogs you can see that people like the above mentioned pepper my life.

I am able to put everyone in my life into categories and two of those categories are Drama people and happy people.

The happy people are thy type I like to associate myself with people like Phil and Jason. The type of people who just want to be happy and be around happy people and when unnecessary drama is brought in our life there is only one option, cut it out.  For most of my gay life that is how things have been me and my happy friends living a life that is naturally drama filled. I can’t help but wonder about all the other gays I have met that seems not to only be followed by drama but they welcome it and are always in the search of more. I watch how people I know turn down a perfectly healthy relationship that is filled with good moments and receives the blessings of friends for one that is stressful, full of arguments and several moments of broken hearts.

I recently realized that a person I was in love with for quite some time was one of these drama people and the only reason I was kept in the mix was to assist in bringing the drama. Everyone I knew told me that this was an unhealthy relationship but my heart wanted what my heart wanted. Then when I finally was part of a relationship that was healthy and happy, I saw clearly.  I saw all the drama he liked to bring to his life and all the happiness I had. I saw the relationship I wanted him to have with him I was in with someone who clearly wanted it and while he stressed about how offal things were with his I could not believe how great mine was.

A part of me dreamed that things would fall apart for him and that he would see what he could have had but how could he, I was in a normal relationship which he said he wanted but not what his heart or head really wanted.

So while I did get half my wish, which also stems from the fact he brook my heart I can’t help but still keep my distance. My heart has grown and gained knowledge. I want to be happy and live a normal life with friends who are just as if not more happy than I.

So in conclusion happy know drama and don’t want it in their lives and they want moments to celebrate themselves as well as friends. Their counter parts like to celebrate drama and welcome dram in their lives. The only way for any of the above mentioned to change is to accept that they are who they are and live life recognizing that they do things because of the type of person they are. Once that major step is completed they can start to make active decisions that will help lead them in the other direction. Although I can’t see why any happy person would actively choose to be a drama queen.

Nothing New

Life is an interesting thing; you have your great loves, amazing moments, epiphanies, your best friends who last a life time, and the friends who last for only what seems like a day. You have the times you learn and the times you teach, the times that seem like you’re wasting your life and the ones that seem like you will just live forever. Life is full of all kinds of things but in the end for many it is the same, weather your gay or straight, black or white, Christian or atheist, it all ends and we try in vain to get the most out of it and make it last as long as possible.

It seems like a shame to waste time worrying over small things considering you are only awake for two thirds of your life and only about half of that is used to carry out non survival functions such as eating and going to the bathroom. So there you have it we only live a third of our life, the rest is consumed with bodily functions and sleep.

Many of our other functions are controlled not by need but emotions and with our heart being second in command only after our ass, (“The Ass is King” coming soon) it makes total since that what affects the heart will affect the rest of us.

I recently quite my new job for completely good reasons and it was something MeTo and i discussed before I went through with it. I took the rest of yesterday to unwind and relax. Then this morning I jumped into house husband mode. I made my hubby a nice breakfast and then began cleaning and even tried my hand at bread pudding.

I was shocked to see that just like our apartment my life was getting just as organized. For the first time in my life everything was beginning to have a place and knew where everything I owned was. It was a great feeling and t keep with the trend I made reservations to organize the files on my computer and delete unnecessary ones so that I would have room. It was a great day MeTo and our roommate Christian went to Hometown Buffet and although it was not a great place I did eat well.

When I went to bed things were looking up and up except with my life falling into order, I honestly had lots to think about. MeTo has told me that I should bite the bullet and allow him to help me out of debt. I also recently found out that my ex and his boyfriend brook up in the way that his friends all predicted they would. MeTo’s ex made it clear that he wanted him back. I recently lost my car which made job hunting difficult and with my mother knowing about my car and job situation I am being encouraged to move back home.

So my current situation is I live approximately 2 hours from my friends and family, with my boyfriend and two other roommates.. my boyfriends in not only a good on paper guy he is a good guy period all my friends love him and we are talking marriage, so allowing him to help me financially makes perfect since in the interest of our future. There is just one thing.

In every fantasy I had about someone rescuing me from my debt, my hero was never there long. He would come in get close rescue me, we would have a few laughs and then we would both be on to someone new. I would live my new life without debt and he would always be a happy memory, then there were the fantasies’ where my hero would rescue me from my debt but was not the good on paper guy. Sure he had a bank account and a good job but he was the bad boy type and I was the only one who knew the way to his heart.  I never saw myself with a wonderful guy like the one I have, I also never could see myself with someone that could do better.  The truth of the matter I have gotten a lot out of this relationship. I have gotten all that a “boyfriend” could get and he is offering more in hopes that we are going to have an extensive future together. So I should be rapturous right? But I am not I am nervous and scared. I have had three great loves in my life ad two of them hurt me shoddily.

Can I allow someone to invest in my life and there not really be any contract? Is the life that I am being offered really what I want? If it is then why do I keep thinking about Mr. M? Am I really ready for a real adult relationship? Have I reached that level of emotional maturity?

I can’t help but wonder about all the different paths my life could have taken. Meeting Mr. M has not improved my life at all. Becoming best friend with Neal was a good move but should we have been more and is that what he really wanted and the reason why we are no longer friends? No matter what I do I keep comparing my three great loves Neal Mr. M and MeTo.

Since the moment I had fallen for MeTo I have been looking for excuses to break up with him. We had moments where I would wonder, “is this my out?” and each time the answer was no. but in a relationship shouldn’t you be excited about taking the next step, and shouldn’t you be sure that the one is the one. I have said I was sure I have felt I was sure but now I just don’t know. I think back to my favorite TV shows SATC, Noah’s ARC, QAF and wonder is MeTo my Aiden is MeTo this perfect guy that is not meant to really be mine, or is he my Trey loyal despite my flaws or Ben my sweet heart protector, is Mr. M my Mr. Big? Then I remember that life doesn't always work like TV things are not always certain. We play games and fight wars without a script or predetermined ending.  

I know not the number of my days or my destiny. I can only ever know what I want and work towards that. I always remind myself that the heart wants what the heart wants and while whatever will be I have to continue to live for me.

Life is a movie theater with each movie only showing once and many not running simultaneously. You can choose to watch one or two movies to the end or hop from theater to theater looking for the perfect movie until you end up back where you started and realize you never got to see an end.

I am at the point where I can choose to move on or watch this movie to the end. I have to be prepared that this may be the only movie I get to see. Or I can go theater hopping in search for a different one.

My life was once full of parties and club nights, my friends and the quest for a real boyfriend and a decent job. I have the boyfriend but I no longer have the crazy nights. My heart no longer beats to the thump a thump a of Woody’s but the sound track to the rest of my life whatever that maybe.  

Last Time At Woody's

So as you are well aware that it has been some time since I have gone to Woody’s on my own accord. I figured with MeTo going out of town on a conference and with my entire family wanting to see me and I missing all my friends that I would come to Philly for a short visit.

As a matter of fact I got a call from Jaz telling asking me what I was doing Wednesday, she was on her way to Philly and wanted to go to Woody’s , and with Louis coming home on Thursday I figured no than Wednesday to come home and go out with my friends.

Needles to say Jaz canceled on me, Phil had school the next day and Lou had no money. I found admission for Lou and so he was going to come. So there it was going to me, Jay, Lou and most likely Tia. I had not sent her a text as I expected Jay to tell her. And I was right the two of them picked me up from 30th street station around 10:30 and it was off to the club, then to my surprise jay says, “ Oh my god I forgot Phil.” I was thrilled Phil was going to come, it was a night with all my best friends minus RJ.

After picking up Phil we drove back to the parking lot and to our surprise Ramon and his roommate Jeff we standing outside with a couple of their friends. We chatted for a bit, I really had no interest in reconnecting as Ramon was a guy who toyed with my heart then called me a friend but would not keep in touch.  So we were off to the club.

It was nice similar old times flashed before my mind’s eye and I soaked in the nostalgia. When we got in I was shocked to find admission to the bar was free but to get onto the dance floor went from a two dollar bar minimum, to five dollars. I had promised Lou that if he found the funds to get there I would pay for him so I was now down 10 dollars. One would think with a price increase that it would be better than before but it had gotten a lot worse, you were no longer allowed to dance on the speaker boxes, the go-go dancers were gone and the DJ was horrible,  So not worth five per 21 year old and 10 for the minors.

We made the best of it, Lou, Phil and I got tired of just standing around so we went to the dance floor to make the most of it and for about an hour we danced to fairly good music. Then we bumped into Zack again and I chatted with his little boy toy.  

The rest of the night just went on until the DJ stopped everything 6 minutes early. We left the club and went through the bar to go outside. And I smoked my last cigarette and made Tia and Phil to promise to support me in this. They vowed to not let me smoke around them and in the event I am caught with a cigg in my hand they would take it. September 3 would be the day of my last cigarette for life.

Jay dropped everyone off and I walked into my mom’s dark house where everyone was sleeping. While I missed MeTo it was good to be back in Philadelphia the one place that no matter what would always be my home.