05 January 2012

The Holidays 2011 part-2

 After my conversation with Mr. M I got dressed. I was finding that I was still not feeling my self so I pulled out the best outfit I could find. I then made the journey down to Sharon Hill to see my mother and extended family. I called my sister to see if she was there but she had decided to go to church. My timing was a little off as she was 45 minutes away and I was about a 30. when I arrived it was with welcomed arms. Everyone was happy to see me and my mother almost cried.

When my sister arrived she almost cried too. I told no one except my Paternal aunt and grandmother that I was making the visit. It was after having a Conversation with Ivan about some issues he was having with his mother that I knew it was time to try for some kind of relationship. He told me that no mother intentionally tries to be a bad mother or actively makes mistakes to harm her child. I thought about it and knew it was most certainly true when it came to my mother.

We chatted and caught up on each other's lives. My mother had even bought me a gift but I already had it. I was touched by the thought. This was the year I wanted no presents I was happy with the new me and family. The visit was shorter than we would have liked but my sister drove me to my grandmother's and in the back of my mind I could not help and think about the last Christmas we all had with my mother's mother. The reunion was bitter sweet but more sweet.

At my grandmother's it was questions of MeTo and what was going on. I told my cousin the tales of our drama and my other cousin brought his girlfriend. It was laughs and jokes and everything that Christmas celebrations should be. Soon the night went to late night and It was time fore work. My aunt decided to give me a ride and on the way we stopped by to see my uncle, he did not look so good and it sent me to a bad place. My uncle had been battling cancer for the past two years and each time I saw him he looked well this time I saw a vision of My maternal grandfather who died when I was three.

At work I was covering the night baker and he failed to prep everything, I freaked out and sat in a corner to cry. Then the panic attack I tried calling MeTo and no answer. My mind wandered with thought of him with the new guy and I had to call Jaiye. He talked me through the whole thing and told me to drink so water.

My night at work was a long one, 10 hours due to mistakes and having to redo things. When I left work I made it my mission to find the restaurant that MeTo and I went to on our first date. I found it but MeTo still had not answered a call or text. That was the day A Really Old Friend stopped by.

Three days after Christmas MeTo answered my phone call and he decided he would came down to visit me and would bring some things form storage. When he got here I had to be a good friend to him and show him how I had changed. He was impressed and told me that we truly were meant to be together, if not right away then certainly in the future.

A few days latter I had a meeting with all my friends and we updated each other on the going ons. I had the most drama and night was about me being cheered up more than anything. I was so touched that I had so many people in my life who cared. I knew that it was by the grace of G-d that I realized it when I did and decided to live a healthier in honor of him, no more smoking and better choices on everything that I put into my body.

Soon it was New Years Eve and I had to work. I managed to get out by 11:30 and Ivan and I walked into Voyeur 1 minute before midnight, just enough time to grab a glass of champagne and toast in the New Year. I knew MeTo was home sick and a part of me took comfort in that. I could not bear the idea of him kissing someone else to ring in the New Year, that had been my roil for the past three years. A trip to Tabu then Bike Stop and we were back at Voyeur where we met my friends Angel, she is an attorney in Philadelphia and a regular at Starbucks 16th Walnut, she introduced us to here new friend who had just became single for the new year when his boyfriend decided to punch him in the eye.

We all chatted for a good while and exchanged numbers. Angle is the supper sexy lesbian that makes any man wonder what if. And naturally the conversation of what it means to be gay and relationships came up. We all got separated on the way to the bathroom and Ivan could have not been happier. Hit the dance floor and when a crappy song came on I went to find a not so happy Ivan. He was ready to go and I knew I had work in the morning and so we left. On the way out I Found the Waiter.

He had to work that night as well and decided to come out for a little fun. I decided I wanted his silver beads and he wanted something in exchange. All my friends know when I am wearing a thong I have no qualms with showing a little strap, and that what he got.

New Years Day came quickly and after work I went to Starbucks to make a few calls, My In-laws, family and a few friends. Then Ivan tested me that he was going to Target and I decided I would tag along. Running around Target, a trip to subway and we were back at his place then a hit of the bong and I got a call from my mom, I told her happy new year and she returned the same except she had more bad news.

I was informed that me and my sister's friend Towayne was set up and murdered. I was so shocked. Before I knew it I was crying. He was such a good guy who only needed a chance in life and would never get it. It hurt so bad to think about how even looking back there was no fault I could find no I could have done this or that. I ended my conversation and Ivan made it his mission to get me high. I got high and ate everything in site.

I went home and fell asleep to Roger Rabbit. I tried to call MeTo but no answer and so I just sent him a text that I got more bad news. 

04 January 2012

The Holidays 2011 part-1

Traditions are the foundation of all the major holidays such as Christmas and Chanukah. The past two years I spent the holidays with MeTo and his family and in the frame work of what we were used o we created our own traditions a little from column A some from column B and a whole lot from column B.

This year I spent Christmas with a broken heart and wishing that the holiday would just past. I had announced that I was officially converting to Judaism but with all the Christmas and Chanukah decorations in the Jersey storage unit I could not decorate and I had no menorah. So I just ignored Christmas until I had no choice on Christmas Eve.

The night before Christmas eve MeTo and I were feuding. Back in November I told him I wanted him back and he was constantly giving me hope that it was a possibility until he told me that things with his new guy were going to be official soon and that they were having sex. I was angry that not only had he been giving me false hope but he in reality when he was say he had no time to come to Philly do to work and family things it was really because he was spending more and more time in New York with the new guy.

So after a drunken chat via Facebook and I sobered up I decided to do a grand gesture of love. I got dressed and went to NJ. By the second train he called me and we talked and once again I was given hope. With flowers in had I got in a cab and told him to look out his window. It was not to well received. We chatted and he told me he was unsure if things between us could work. He lived and worked in NJ and I lived and worked in PA. Being the hopeless romantic that I am could not see how that would be an issue. I loved him and always had. Even when I decided to try and date other people after I worked on me I knew that my heart could never let me love anyone else.

Heartbroken and clinging to a shred of hope from a promise that he would come down to visit I got into a cab doing my best to hold back the tears.

At the train station I found that it was 2am and the next train to Philadelphia was not till 7. So I had time to think and read. On the way up to Jersey I sent out text to all my friends in the area to see if they could give me a ride so I could win back the love of my life. Everyone was busy and all of our mutual friends knew about the new guy and referred to him as his new boyfriend and that he was very happy. Hope was shot down yet again.

I called my aunt and told her what happened and she told me to wait it all out and see what would happen. We talk for a good while until I realized I had not eaten since the day before. I immediately became fearful of my weight. I got off the phone and went to the only place that was open but even my shallow fear could not get me to eat so I pumped myself full of coffee and did some reading, created a new play list on my phone and did a lot of thinking about the old me, the new me, the old MeTo the new MeTo and many of my past relationships.

All my friends in Philly told me I was to good for him and I took it because they did not know all the things he did for me. They only saw the hurt and what was behind it.

I decided that when I got to Philly I would go to my grandmother's house and see what she needed help with. I figured I would help her take a nap then go to work. I help my grandmother with the little she needed help with but I was not tired, she offered me something to eat and after one bite I was not feeling hungry I tried to force myself to eat but it was not going down.
I took some time to relax and then got cleaned up and went to work. Everyone saw the hurt on my face despite how hard I tried to hide it. Here I was working on Christmas eve. The same time last year I was just getting off of work and running home to celebrate the holiday with MeTo's family and his grandmother's birthday. I beamed as everyone had fun, his grandmother loved the cake I created just for her and everybody was in stitches as we built the gingerbread house. There was so much activity and fun that the party was not over until well into Christmas morning.

This year I was going to work then get drunk afterwards. Tips were decent and my grandmother gave me a little cash so to Tabu then bike stop. On the way I had an idea, if MeTo was going to come down for a visit during his off week it had to be Tuesday.

A few drinks later it was only a little after midnight but with no food I was drunk and my stomach was a little irritated. On the way to the trolley via the underground I saw a man getting a blow job from another man, and a third man was keeping watch. There was only one person I could think of that would appreciate what I just witnessed.

I called Ivan and told him what I saw then we talked about the night before and then New Years. Then I realized I still needed to buy my Christmas cards. So I found some appropriate for my mothers family and some that I think are the cutest cards ever.

Once I got home I felt like eating so I got some Chinese food and passed out. I woke up trying to figure out what the hell I was watching on my computer and then the Merry Christmas text messages started. Some from people that I didn't expect to hear from. A guy who I honestly wanted to date but lost touch with and a guy I told I never wanted to hear from again.

Since I was up I sent Mr. M a text and he responded. I was shocked, he should be asleep but he responded then he called. We had a good long chat about my situation, then about the new me, then the new him and then we talked about dating experiences, and all the normal bull shit that friends talk about.

Mr. M and I have quite a unique friendship that works for us and a few other gays that I know. It like this boyfriend with out the title. We talk dirty, send dirty pictures, and say inappropriate things but we have no desire for a relationship. When we started talking about guy and he was telling me the guys he has dated and had sex with I thought my stomach was gonna drop like it did in the past but there was nothing, In fact I was a little happy to hear he was dating.

When he first called I was in the mood to be inappropriate, call it morning wood if you wish, but we began talking like old friends which killed that mood, yet some how through a little encouraging on his part there was the mutual watching of porn with then led to phone sex. It was a revisit to the night of my 22nd Birthday party.

It was ironic about the same time last year MeTo convinced me to let him Shtup me and this year I was having phone sex, and it was Mr M's first time.  

02 January 2012

And Tme Marches On. . .

One of the most fascinating things any human has to deal with is the grace at which we age. As children we look forward to birthdays with all the presents and cake and as we reach our teens we enjoy the added independence that each new year brings, at 16 we can drive, at 18 and can vote and then 21 we can do everything that everyone older than us can do, drink, drive, buy liquor we are legally allowed to do it all. Then comes the not so fun numbers like 25 and 30 and then 40 until the day we are senior citizens all the while we accept that getting older is better than the alternative.

Age brings wisdom and at 25 looking at someone who is 50 we realize that we are closer in age than we would care to be. We learn to enjoy the now and the responsibilities that now brings. We enjoy hanging out with our friends in our 20s and then we trade crazy club nights for quite dinner parties at 30 and so on and so forth and then family becomes more important and reminiscing with our peers. We humans may gripe about getting older but for the most part just stop and take a look. People in general deal with getting older rather well. On our birthday the shallowest of us will cry and pretend to be a different number than we really are but our friends are the same age and we do the things that say a 30 year old are supposed to be doing.

Sure getting older means closer to death in theory but because we know not the time that life timer will stop we learn to enjoy every moment. So how do we do it? How do we stop pretending that we have all the time in the world, how do we force ourselves to make great lasting memories, get off the couch, stop wasting time with TV program after TV program, video game after video game?

No one truly knows the answer to that, but I have found that a good indication to if you’re wasting your life is if you feel like you’re wasting your life. If you spend a whole day watching TV and you feel depressed, spend the next day, if you’re lucky, doing something different, like reading a book, spending time with friends and family, our simply building something that will last well after you are gone.

There are some days that I feel I am just wasting away waiting for the day when I am no more and it sometimes scares me then I remember I am not old and that I know not my expiration date. All I can do is make the most of each day. There are some days when I need to just sit still and watch TV to recharge my batteries, which simply means tomorrow I will go back to spending time writing, baking, cooking, reading, sewing, and learning all I can learn.

I am 25 going on 26 and while these numbers are not quite badges or honor what I have learned are and will make getting older more fun. I have lots to sit and reminisce about, the blanket I crocheted, those times I spent developing new recipes and all the stuff I learned from grandma and “dem.”

01 January 2012

Previously in All of Indigo.

A long time ago a king gave a man some land to pay off a debt he had to the mans father. The man came to the new land and fell in love and decided to call it Pen's Woods or Pennsylvania and created a city of a simple layout called Brotherly love or Philadelphia.

The streets were numbers and trees with parks and before anyone knew it the city grew supper fast. People brought all kinds of different cultures which lead to arts, dancing, cooking and a whole melting pot of differences that later went to become Philadelphia the birth place of the country and later the birth place of VixcB.

I was born April 1st 1986 and thats no joke. I grew up and experienced many of the different things my birthplace had to offer. There were friends that came and went but it was not until September 2006 that things were set in motion that would change my life forever. I met Erica in my Communications class at DCCC, Delaware County Community College. She then went to introduce me to Jaiye Taylor who I was not a fan of at first.

Then that summer I came out of the closet and Jaiye and I hit it off immediately, instant best friends. We were invited to every party and that's how I became friends with his ex Phil G who had just started attending Temple for premed. Then the following year we met RJ who was unsure about where his life was heading, he just knew he was going to have fun trying to figure it out.

Then in December 2008 I met MeTo, he was going to Rutgers University to get his PhD, it was not love at first sight but we soon fell hard. I moved into an apartment with him in NJ and things with my life got bad, the problems I hid for years started to surface. Two and a half years later I found myself engaged to a Doctor and moving back to Philadelphia alone.

I soon got a job at Starbucks where I met Icon an eccentric kid who enjoyed 90's black culture and was quite the socialite. I also met Ivan a conservative gay man from the Lehigh Vally. It was not long before I called things off with MeTo to deal with the issues that remained unknown to me but were causing problems in our relationship.

I I tried to work fast and MeTo and I remained friends but before I knew it there was another man in his life and I made it clear we were not finished. A trip to Philadelphia and the shit hit the fan there was so much drama in everyones lives. Its astonishing 4 months seem like a short amount of time but in that span things you never thought would happen, happen and now you have to deal as best you can.