I am not sure how to say what I want to say. I am depressed, have been for awhile and I did a good job of hiding it. I feel like life is fair but I just keep making bad choices. People try to tell me how to fix my life and the advice never seems to work. I can get and keep a decent job, I can go to school and get decent grades but men and apartments are a sad sad state of affairs for me. Tonight I contemplated suicide seriously for the first time since the sixth grade. I have no idea what stopped me, maybe sher exhaustion or the idea that I lack the necessary tools to do so. I have no cleaning supplies, knives, a gun or even medications such as Tylenol or aspirin. I sat in my bathroom wondering, how nice it would be to just run a bath and cut my wrist. I live alone in a shit hole so it would be days before anyone would think to go searching, the sad part is I have no razors and there is no Wawa or Walgreen's or anything of that nature near by.
What brought this all on you may wonder. Well when you have your heart torn to shreds by people like my mother, JR, and even MeTo you get to the point where your are just like “Fuck it.”
I make friends but karma works it out so that at times like these they are unreachable. Every guy I date always get the test and they all fail. Non of them want me as a friend just a Boyfriend or fiancée. How do you have a lasting relationship with someone who would not choose you as a friend? The answer is you cant. The easiest test is if you call things off and they keep you at a distance or shut you out then you know.
I never shut people out, you want in my life its easy just be kind and there for me because thats what I do for you. MeTo claims he wants me back but has made no REAL effort at friendship I feel he is so far away even after I told him how I really feel about us.
There is so much pain and no one is ever there to listen when I NEED to express it. So I go thorough life hiding it making short references in hopes someone may actually take an interest and they is always only ever one, the same one.
I wish I could cry but my eyes refuse to water my throat gets tight and I am forced to deal in other ways, vomiting, stop eating, smoking, excessive drinking, and sometimes sex. I am fully aways what I am doing, having a good time until life gets better or I simply die weatherer by accident or design.
