I used to pride myself on being clear headed and allowing myself to get hurt and being able to see when it was coming. My heart was on my sleeve and my friends all loved and admired how I was willing to put myself out there in order to find love. My heart has gone from being on my sleeve and taking abuse to back in the cage of my chest. I no longer can see when the hurt coming and I react in ways that are not healthy. I allow my heart to take control in times of coercion and the results always leave me apologizing. When I go back and read old blog post I am surprised at the person I was and who I have become. I have changed so much that I recognize neither person. Is that why MeTo just bailed on me?
The time in my life when I should have been focusing not only on progressing and growing, I should have also been focusing on recapturing my innocence and humility. That is the thing about self-esteem it can swing quickly in the wrong direction. I went from having next to none to having too much. I want to go back to being the hopeless romantic I once was, fighting for love and hoping that everyone in my life obtains a happily ever after.
I know in my blog I talk about some things that make many people uncomfortable. I talk about sex, sexual partners, my friends, my boy friends, my family, school, my religious views, my exes, my heartaches, and my hops for the future. In the beginning I would sometimes exaggerate things slightly and try to give emphasis to certain emotions. Then I started noticing that many of my friends would question my post, so I stopped and wrote straight from the heart. The funny thing about writing from the heart is that while it may seem like a good idea at the time, a post that you work long and hard on while under duress can later bit you in the ass.
My blog has always served a major purpose, if I cannot write about it, than I cannot do. The time came when I did things that required censoring. I had to wait until I came clean with others before I could post about them. That should have been clue one that I was getting out of control.
In hopes to be a big deal in the Philadelphia gay scene I began using Facebook the same way everyone else did. I used it to post whatever I was thinking and feeling, in hopes that someone would pay me attention. Wait a minute, why did I want attention? If I love me for me why did I need the validation of others? My status updates began getting too much attention. My aunt on more than one occasion chastised me for my updates, friends called to ask what was going on. Soon the people that mattered stopped paying attention and only responded when I went too far.
I recently went back to edit old blog post that had poor grammar and other mistakes. Probably not such a good idea to do post edits when you are trying to get over someone who has broken your heart and a good chunk of your blog is about a time when your lives were intertwined. But none the less I did it anyways.
I read about times when I was angry with my ex and times when I was happy and for the most part when I was happy I allowed him to blind me. When my ex gave me attention he became my world all I could see. So many posts even when I was clearly being selfish were about how I wanted a dream life with him and how we tried to compromise on what we both wanted. After reading certain post it was clear that what I wanted lined up with what he wanted and I had no idea how this happened.
I sit here now and wonder what I did wrong, how did things get this way? How did two people who loved each other so deeply become bitter, angry and hurtful? How can the person who I once trusted with my life and showed love to so deeply suddenly shut me out when times get bad, will give me the silent treatment, and will disregard my feelings because of how he feels? Did he ever really love me? Did I waste my time? Was I just the backup, the person he called when being single became too much? Or did I change too much and he did not want to bother telling me?
Despite my short comings I have a right to answers, I gave them to him. When I called things off, I had a heart about it. I told him why and answered his calls. I did all I could to make things easier. How could he turn around and just drop me like this? I am hurting and he is acting like I don’t mean anything to him.
Left with no other option I turned to friends who know the situation well. Who were there when we celebrated our engagement, all of which came to parties and was hoping that the two of us would get over ourselves and make things work.
I was told to pour my heart into an email and I did. I sent him the email, both to his inbox and as a private message on Facebook. Another ex of his told me of how he was cut out and given the silent treatment and that time allowed them to become best friends. Another mutual friend just shook his head and wished me the best. I don’t want to hurt MeTo although at times my mind races with nasty hurtful things I could do to him. I do not want to curse him or watch from the side line as karma does it worst. All I want is a meaningful ending, for the two of us to talk and say well, I am happy for you and wish you the best. I think the fact we lived together and experienced so much together makes such a request valid.
The past week I have watched myself lose weight and cry and do things that I regret. I have been self-destructive and asked myself, “How did I get here.” Why did I permit myself to allow someone to matter so much? How can I really move on if this is how my longest relationship ended? If I made the mistake of giving my heart to someone who would turn around and hurt me in such a cold manner, what is to prevent me from doing it again?
I know I did some pretty bad things. I cheated but the why has to count for something. The truth of it all is this is not the first time MeTo has hurt me deeply. Being ignored and held at arm’s length when I was finally giving my all trying to prove I was better, had some part in causing me to regress. Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn hear, maybe the universe wants me to remember that no matter how much I love someone they can hurt me and that I need to remain focused when it happens and to do whatever I can to remain the bigger person.
I have given my heart too much power over my life and I have to force myself to move on to accept that this is the closure that I am given and that I must make the best of it. It truly hurts though because I would love nothing more than to be able to sit with MeTo and smile about the past and know that he will always be my friend, that he will always care and that he knows and accepts the fact that I will always be there for him. To hear him when he wants to vent, to hear about the great things happening in his life and to celebrate all the joys weather small or big.
I have been really emotional lately and that has clearly shown in my blog, I must now focus on me. I have to reevaluate everything that makes up Vixc B. No longer will I try to cover my pain with contraband such as sex, alcohol, shoes, clothes, and food.. No longer will I use my body as way of taking control of a man and no longer will I settle for a guy who wants me for my for my physical before he has made it clear that he wants me for my mind and heart. That is the person I want to be, that is how I started. I have to stop focusing on finding love and seeking out my ideal “Happily Ever After.”
Weather love comes sooner or later I must remember that I am forever a work in progress and to stay on task to achieve my personal and professional goals. I still have a ways to go as far as getting over the hurt but I am taking strides. I removed the Facebook post and I have apologized. I have even gone as far as issuing a public apology for my past Facebook behavior.
My low self-esteem is gone and it is time I truly start acting like it. I am good looking, creative, funny, and intelligent; I am a kind loving and giving person. I am also protective, mildly jealous, emotional, impulsive, and either extremely authoritative or excessively passive typically at the wrong times. It is time I take more control over my life and really work hard to mold me into the person I want to be. I am quite sure that soon the day will come when I look in the Mirror and see the easily lovable hopeless romantic I once was.
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