Mister Wonderful

Saturday came and I found out for sure that I was moving into the place I chose. it came with some awesome roommates and while my room was smaller I was sure that the necessities would fit, Queen sized bed, desk, dresser and some shelves for my cook books. I tried to get my buddy to help me move but he was busy with work and unresponsive to phone calls and text. So I began planning on getting the small stuff to my new place and then I got called into work. So no moving was going to happen on Saturday.

Sunday came and I went to work as planned and the past two days were I and Mr. wonderful seeing when the next time we could hang out would be. I explained to him that I was having trouble getting my stuff to my new place and he offered to help me move my bed once he was done shooting in North Jersey. I was floored and I wanted to say thanks but no thanks but it was several fold if I said yes. He would help me move, I saw no other way to get my bed to my new place, and I would get to see him again.

I called my aunt to meet her at her place and told her the plan. She was cool with it and so I chatted with her and told her all about Wonderful. I even explained to here that the 21 year old was out of the picture and why, she understood.

Soon he arrived and it took two trips and a stop to “become acquainted,” and soon my bed was in the new place. He then offered to take me back to my mom’s house which turned into us going to Ruby Tuesdays to get a cocktail and a small bite to eat. I paid the bill and he seemed shocked, I explained to him that it would be impolite of me not to pay the bill as he came all this way just to help me.  He suggested going back to Tabu but I was not dressed for it and it was a long day for it to be only 8pm. He then explained how is a spontaneous guy and likes to live in the moment, at that I knew I was in trouble. This man was so much like me in all the right ways that I was always in a state of arousal in his presence.

He dropped me off at my mom’s and sent me a text when he got home. I took a deep sigh and knew it had begun, I was falling. 

Finding Closure

Every great relationship deserves an ending that makes it clear to both parties that things are over and everyone involved will try to move on. Sometimes this happens in the most in just of ways and sometimes it happens in the most poetic of ways, but what do you do if you never get closure to a relationship and the other person is still somehow in and out of your life?

The biggest riddle in “The Indigo Life,” I that no matter what I do Mister M and Doctor MeTo are still in my life and the three of us are caught in some kind of love triangle. Mister M is not sure what he wants, the two of us talk too much and I begin chasing after him while Doctor MeTo keeps popping up out of the blue and confessing his undying love for me.

The problem is obvious we all need to just let each other go. I need to accept the fact the Mister M will never be completely honest and tell me I am just not what he wants and that Doctor MeTo and I may just not be meant to be. I am a Philly Boy who likes my independence and he lives in Brooklyn and his life revolves around his family and his career, there is no room in MeTo’s life for me.

But what is closure really? When you are with someone or on a roller-coaster with someone for so many years how to you honestly get off and leave the amusement park to never return? The gays may never know. Honestly think about how many gays do you know who break up and get back together? It truly becomes entertainment for their friends. “Are these two Big and Carrie?”

(Spoiler Alert) Well this is real life and the true Sex and the City fans know Big and Carrie never ended up together. Is it that we all are hoping too much for a fairytale ending, is it that we want to be that great love story our friends talk about for years, or is it that we have allowed television to brainwash us so much that we think this type of masochistic behavior is how love really looks?

When you break up with someone whom you have only been dating a short while you know when it is over, you make it clear that you gave it a shot and are sure this won’t work. Even if out of desperation in the future you decide to call them up and try again, when you call it quits you know it is quits. However when you spend a few years with or chasing someone letting go becomes difficult, with holding closure is your hope in getting back together. Even when one of you dates someone else, in your head you think, not like Carrie but like Carrie’s  friends, we will get back together just like on Sex and the city, or Noah’s Arc, or some other show where after several seasons of masochistic behavior they get together in the final episode.

I for one am tired of this merry-go-round with Doctor MeTo and this roller-coaster with Mister M. I hate the heartache and the letdown. Mister Wonderful is in my life and while things are not going the way I want them to, how can I give him the honest chance if in my head I am wondering which of my past major love’s is Mister Big and which is Aidan?

The truth of the matter is neither. If either of them wanted things to work they would have. If it was a truly romantic story they would try something to make a relationship work. MeTo is unwilling to change anything about his life and neither is M. so I need to not only let them go but tell them I am letting them go. It is easier said than done I know, but like discipline to a child this has to be done.

I confess I love M and MeTo very much and my heart will ache when I close the doors on us forever. This means that all the hopes and dreams I had and discussed with MeTo will have been just that and never come to reality and all the things M and I talked about maybe doing one day will never happen but if I am truly honest with myself I was destined to lose out anyway. I could only have one man and only one future the other would have remained just a dream.

So my readers there is no Mister Big in this story because it is real life, I have to end things and await the day to hear how they have moved on and are happy, and hopefully I will end up happy too. 

Previously in The Indigo Life . . .

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they stop to ponder all the things about their current life. We ponder things by asking questions such as: does life exist in other places in the universe, will I ever get married, do I need religion, whatever happened to that friend of mine, and my personal favorite, How did I get here?

Life is an amazing evolving thing from year to year at one point in your life things seem to be ever consistent and then in what feels to be an instant you are looking at everything and wondering, what happened? When the question, “What happened?” occurs it is not always good or bad sometimes it is our way of simply acknowledging that things are completely different in our life now from how they were at some other point.

I am at one of those points in my life. I look back over the past two years spent since my return to Philly and I reminisce about the amazing roller-coaster of a ride it has been. Sometimes I panic about the fact that I am not where I had planned my life to be but all the same it has been a fun ride.

When I started this blog and for the following five years I had the same 5 close friends, Jaiye, Jazz, Tia, Phil and RJ. Betrayal caused my friendship with Jazz to end, utter disrespect ended things with Jaiye and miscommunication ended things with Phil, as for Tia and RJ while I still consider them friends I have to accept the fact that I met them through Jaiye and that makes things awkward.

But here I am at a different point in my life where I find myself as part of a foursome, just like most television shows. When I first moved back to Philly I met this sweetheart of a young man named Icon, A tall teddy bear exocentric type, who seemed to make friends no matter where he went. He and I became instant best friends we admired each other for the things that made us unique and in so realized while we may seem totally different we have a freakish amount in common.

Through Icon I met Qhoiyn, a freestyle androgynous rapper and Alizé an art student and drag performer. I remember I had stepped out of the scene and when I stepped back into it Icon welcomed me with opened arms and was quick to introduce me as his best friend to all the new and interesting people he had met. Before I knew it I was going to this show and that show and the two people that I always bumped into weather I was with icon or not were Alizé and Qhoiyn. Soon our foursome became strong and a night on the town was not complete unless at least three of the four was present and if all four were around we became our own private party that many wanted to attend.

The four of us all bottoms and black noticed that we exuded different black female stereotypes that went hand in hand with certain black names. We all choose from, Vera, Tammy, Connie, and Phyllis. Aunt Phyllis was the simple yet intelligent one a bit like Charlotte York but with a black woman’s ferocity and the ability to keep certain people in line. Aunt Connie, your round the way type girl with her own style and known for carrying a big bag and always being prepared, loveable to a fault but she leaves everyone afraid to piss her off despite she almost never says a mean word to anyone. Aunt Tammy is a round the way type girl as well, she will say what is on her mind and if she don’t like you do not bother trying to change it. Rough around the edges she is loved by all who are in her circle and she is protective of her friends. Lastly Aunt Vera, the bitch of the group, this girl does what she has to in order to survive and make ends meet fiercely protective of her friends, she has a really hard shell and the only way through it is if she lets you. If you want to get hurt mess with her, if you want to die mess with her friends.

My group of friends is dynamic and for the first time in my life I can see these people being the ones that in 10 years from now even if we all live in different parts of the country calling each other up to see how we are all doing and trying to arrange a trip to meet up. It is comforting to have people in my life who are so different from one another and the rest of the world but I share so much in common with. Three strong black gay men who embrace all things gay but refuse to put it into a box. They take what they like and make it their own. Not to mention it is going to make for some dynamic post in the upcoming future.

Men

Whenever a big change is going to come many times you will notice your past will literally replay fast forward in your present. Around Christmas Mr. M and I began talking and things were peaceful and looked like they might turn out the way I always wanted but after a visit to Philly things changed and now we hardly talk anymore.  I bumped into Ramon at iCandy and after talking to him for maybe an hour I realized that even at 31 he was never going to change. Then one night at a dinner while trying to help a new friend I bumped into Damien, the old flame grew strong when he sat next to me and we began flirting like we used to. The next few days it was a few texts about how I was supposed to have been "wiffie" but soon the text stopped and I lost all interest.

Then Dr. MeTo, the text and phone calls began and figured I would go with it, see what would happen. I had admitted to all the times I cheated on him and he became angry with me and then my phone was cut off so there was no communication for two weeks. Now he wanted to pursue things, come for a visit and see how we felt when we saw one another. The phone calls and text continued for about three weeks and soon I got a text to indicate I was yet again put on his back burner until he had time to deal with the idea of us again.

I figured since I was yet again on the back burner I would begin focusing on me and having a good time and as history would have it that is when someone who is really interested shows up.

Mister Wonderful

The app grindr I had decided was nothing more than a waste of time. I never made any friends or got any dates off of it. Most times I met a few guys, would chat for a couple days and that was the end. But this one night while leaving my best friends and heading home I decided to check while I was on the El and I got a message for sex. Flattered I responded but I was not interested in hooking up with some stranger. Little did I know that this simple friendly response was a huge turn on for this guy. I did not send dirty pictures, and I was not changing my evening so I could go jump in bed with him. I did however take the time to chat it up and soon from talking about him trying to get into my pants we began trying to get to know one another, that seemed to turn him on more and more and soon face pictures were swapped and as I laid myself to sleep I remember thinking, this guy is hot.

We exchanged phone numbers and we sent each other text every day. I even went as far as sending him some naughty pictures in response to the ones he sent me, something I almost never do. The more we talked the more we liked one another until one night we just had to meet. It was a Thursday and after a failed attempt on Wednesday we ensured that we would meet that Thursday. Tabu was having 5 dollar Jamison and so patiently I waited and sipped while talking to the bartender I have had a crush on for the longest time. Then I noticed the guy who was two seats over also knew the bartender and so we began to chat. As if it were rehearsed for a movie, when he was getting up to leave my Mr. Wonderful walked in. I was later told that looks were exchanged but I failed to notice.

He was more attractive in person and had the kindest eyes. I was also tipsy so I encouraged him to catch up. I soon learned that he was a Patrón kind of guy and both the bartender and I looked at him as if to ask, “Do you know where you are?” he soon realized that this was not the kind of bar you order Patrón when he heard how much his drink was. Soon icon showed up and I bought him two drinks, the night prior was not a good one for him. Then Qhoiyn showed up but at that point I was done. Tabu closed and we all headed to Voyeur and danced the night away and Mr. Wonderful and I not wanting to call it a night decided to go back to his place. The trip seemed to take forever, cuddling at PATCO making out on the train, a quick nap and soon we were at his stop where he drove his car to his house.

Things went as far as I could stand to let them go and he was a gentleman the whole time. We cuddled until I heard him jump up and I soon realized what went down that night. I drank a lot but in true form I had no regrets. He drove me back to PATCO and went on to the meeting he was almost late for. I went right back to my mom’s house and passed out. The afternoon before I ate soup made with pork not thinking about my allergy and in conjunction with a night drinking like a peasant I was in pain. I had to call out of work and it was not until my mom came home that the necessary things could be one for me to feel better.

I began texting Mr. Wonderful and the whole time it was do you remember? We both admitted to having a great time and not being able to wait until we saw each other again. I remember putting my phone down after texting him back, goodnight, and thinking, “How do I tell MeTo?”

I Lost A Friend Today.

Today I lost a friend. Someone whom I thought was dear to me; a person who I thought would always value me being in their life tossed me aside without any just explanation. I cannot help but feel hurt today. I know that I should count my blessings and move on but I am finding it difficult.  

I never understood how some people just toss people to the side so unceremoniously. After years of knowing one another did I mean nothing to you? After all the wrongs that we have done to one another and the forgiveness that was given did you want to just toss it away? Four years I have known this person and given of myself to them and listened to how great they thought I was, yet not great enough to get a phone call but a text late at night. No emotion no real explanation just that things are over and I should move on.

I feel like Carrie did when Burger broke up with her via Post It. What is wrong with people that they start a relationship with such gusto and end things without any emotion? I could see if I did something wrong recently or said the wrong thing but to go from, “I love having you in my life,” to not hearing from you, to a text calling things off, hurts. It feels like everything this person ever said to me was a lie that that never thought I was great or that I was even worth the time they spent with me.

I just don’t get it, how can I ever trust anyone ever again who says they love me and are not family? How can I allow a man to look me in the eyes and hear him say the most wonderful thing and not think, “Bull shit?” I never broke up with anyone via text, it is just improper and most importantly it is hurtful. It would have hurt a lot less if i got word today that they died. 

How can I now not hate this person? I have no choice but to move and never speak to them again. In the mean time I have to deal with a hurt that is unlike any other. The hurt of trusting someone who for years said great things and in less than a minute took it all away because it was convenient not to be a man about it. 

That Friend

We all know a friend who has one, the best friend that no one likes for whatever reason. He is typically seen as ugly, stuck up, dumb, a know it all and just plain unattractive. But for whatever the reason, your one friend refuses to cut him loose despite the fact that all his other friends hate this friend.

Ugly people – are always ugly on the inside. Unattractive people when given a chance are revered and loved for the beauty that lies within because their inside is quickly seen. Yet the ugly no matter how “Attractive” they may initially appear are soon seen as an Ugly person and labeled as unattractive.

For example I had this friend this past summer, I met him online, he had just moved to Philadelphia and he and his boyfriend were looking to make new friends. I being the one to never turn down a chance to make a good friend decided to give them a chance, the Asian and Chicagoan.  This Chicagoan was the one in search of friends and I soon noticed he was putting on airs. He was trying to portray his relationship to be something it was not. The Asian was here to obtain a PhD and I having just been in a relationship with Doctor MeTo, knew the struggles it was to be with someone getting that level of education.

I tried my best to be friends with the Chicagoan but his asshole nature showed thorough to all my friends and he was shunned. No on in my group liked him, but we all loved his boyfriend the Asian. Soon I was spending more time with the Asian simply because the other guy most nights acted like an ass leaving his boyfriend to fend for himself as far as becoming acclimated to the city. 

Many nights while on the trolley to the city, I was shown text messages and told of horrid conversations that went down between the two of them. Then the night came when the Chicagoan hit the Asian and I was done. This man was ugly in my book and in a matter of month’s I noticed he could never keep a friend longer than a few weeks. When he cheated he could only get the scraps of the city that the rest of us looked at like, “Why?”

The Chicagoan was a physically attractive person; we all easily gave him a chance because it was easy to see how someone could be attracted to him. Sure it sounds shallow but let’s be honest that is how the world just works. It was watching him interact with his boyfriend that turned us all off and the only reason I tried was because I genuinely like the Asian as a friend. Recently I was informed My Asian friend had enough and called it quits.

My Best friend has a best friend that no one likes. Doctor MeTo and all the other gays of mine that have met this guy have made a point to point out that he leaves a nasty after taste. I should have been clued in when he went after a guy I was interested in, but I ignored it. Mark, as he shall be referred to, was funny but his humor was always in putting someone down behind their backs. The day came when without a word he just stopped talking to me. I just thought he started thinking he was better than everyone because he was now going to school in NYC but he ignored me when I said hello and after a while I just wrote him off and so did others.

So now when he comes to visit there is only one person who wants to see him and so only one person will hang out with him, my best friend. You can imagine why this is seen as problematic. So I have learned to just not hang with my friend when “That Friend” is in town. 

Geronimo?

Do I just jump right in or take my time? It’s the question that every gay man stops to ask himself when he is presented with a new relationship prospect. I met the 21 year old the same way I meet most of the leading men, Adam4Adam. To be just 21 he was quite impressive, he owned his own place down in Delaware and has a good job, he is a father and he has a car, on paper the perfect guy.

Now his home is a trailer but he owns two and they are the nice kind not the white trash versions you see on TV. The only thing is he wants to settle down soon, and with me no less. He seems perfect but I feel like I either have to go all in or just move on.

I want the gay fantasy, a house, husband and kids, this guy would provide all the above, but I find myself a bit apprehensive about making things official. He is only 21; he is still learning what being gay is all about. No matter when you come out you do not really get to begin learning about what gay is until you are 21. The world becomes completely open to you and there are many new avenues to explore and my 21 year old is evidence of that.

I decided after a week that I would go all in and a few days later I was told he was on his way to a drag show. When I went down to see him I was presented with a pic of him in drag. I have nothing against drag queens but I like my men hairy and masculine. This guy now had shaved legs, one of the things that attracted me to him was now gone. Then he fell asleep on me, I was stuck at the train station waiting for him to wake up and come get me he promised he would make it up to me but that never happened.

I began debating if I would call it off we met early January and here it was early February and we have yet to go on a real date. Just when I decided I would break up with him I find out he has cancer. A bitch I may be but I certainly have a heart so I backed down.

He decided to come pick me up and spend the day with me which consisted of me taking a shower at his place, having sex, making him tuna and him sleeping for 8 hours. I was done! Every time I came to see him all he did was fuck me then sleep and the sex was far from being that good. I decided to see what he would do for Valentine’s Day and when I was sent a mass text message I ignored it, two days later I told him we needed to talk about us. He never responded I take it he got the message.

Imagine if I decided to just say Geronimo and go all in I would be stuck in Delaware bored with a boyfriend who has cancer and no idea how to handle a guy like me. In a word MeTo 2.