No More

There comes a time in every man’s life where his past and all the secrets catch up to him and while I can sit back and let them all happen slowly I prefer to just get it all over with at once.

The biggest secret I ever kept is the true story of how I lost my virginity I never told a sole and there is only one person who knows the true story but would deny it if ever confronted. I was not raped but it was not something that I really wanted to happen. It was not long before my 18th birthday when I became sexually active again with a guy who I never should have had any sexual activity within the first place. Me eldest cousin and I had played sexually games for as long as I could remember. It had stopped for quite some time but when we started to live under the same roof it started again and by the second game he finally took things all the way. I tried my best to block the incident from my mind but it has been one that has stayed with me ever since.

I can’t help but look at how our lives turned out and not feel hatred but envy. He went to college on time and went on to become a paramedic. He remains in the closet still and receives family approval and is looked to as the golden child. I on the other had have disappointed my mother by not walking in my graduation from high school due to poor grades and had to do summer school.

I only did a small portion of college and as far as my success goes I am just one big failure. I have over five thousand dollars in debt and several different jobs in the past 5 years. When I came out to my conservative Christian family, my mother and grandmother did all but disown me. I used to smoke cigarettes and occasionally pot. I used alcohol heavily and sometimes I still get drunk alone.

I suffer from depression and think about suicide. I have no job. I live two hours from all my friends and family with a man who honestly deserves better. My debt consists of several bad decisions. A little over three thousand for a car that has just been repossessed, a thousand for a loan I had took out in order to keep my apartment when I was 19 and several other bills for unpaid electric, cable, tuitions and god only knows what else.

I am tired of having theses secrets and pretending my life is not so bad. Vixc B is a lie, a facade I created to hide the pain I endure every day. I never wanted to be gay, I had a play for my life and it fell apart. I don’t know what is in store for me.

I wonder if I should stay in this relationship its seems life a selfish and unfair thing to do. I get stressed out quite easily anymore and find myself sneaking away to have a cigarette and the urge to get drunk. I don’t know what I am going to do but I know things will get worse before they get better.  

A Tripn in the Closet

Today I spent time organizing my closet, since the big move I had no really had the time nor the motivation to put each and every item into a proper category and place. While sorting my dress shirts from my semi dress shirts and vest from outer wear it dawned on my not only that I don’t have as many clothes as I think I do, but the whole reason that gays are so obsessed with their closets.

This obsession that we gay men have has nothing to do with the whole at one time we lived there story it’s simply that gay men see their closet as the equivalent to a bank account. The gay community is more times than not quite the shallow one. We are judged and judge based on how a person looks, more importantly, what they are wearing.

And whether it is Dolce and Gabbana, Abercrombie and Fitch, Armani, or a cool tee shirt that was found at Wal-Mart. A gay man’s wardrobe is expected to speak volumes.

This coveted asset is so protected that few are trusted in its presence, and every good boyfriend knows that you never ever assume that you can borrow from it. A gay man typically allows borrowing only by the best friend and even then it starts with items that are easily replaced and there after that’s all that’s asked for. For if a man was to come across his best friend closet and find a unique item that is not in his own the mind would run wild and go to the point of self justifying “borrowing” an item without permission and without the intent to return. Which can ruin if not destroy a relationship even faster than money.

Gay men and women guard their closets like investment bankers guard their portfolios. In today’s world having the right shirt is the difference between happily ever after, a one night stand, or hearing people chant the U-G-L-Y song behind your back.

From shirts, pants and shoes to belts jackets and ties we never think our closet is ever complete especially since while fashion my repeat and things go out of style, finding that timeless look takes a life time.

Jay Has a Birthday

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So the 15 was my best friend’s birthday and he asked for one thing, a surprise. That was in and no particulars. He told me a few of his other friends but it ended up only being our friend Jen and I who handled it all. Jay stayed on top of us to ensure that we were infecting planning some kind of surprise. To be quite honest it was a legitimate request. Jay had had a rough year thus far and with losing some friends being betrayed by others he wanted to know that that there were still some people who honored his friendship.

Jay had told us both that he did not care if only five of his friends came to his door and yelled surprise, he would be happy because it was a surprise. But he did inform me as his best friend I should have something to do with the planning. So I thought long and hard about what all of his friends could do that would not cost too much and would be a lot of fun for us all. I called the gang and told them to start thinking and keep that Saturday clear. As luck would have it Phil could not get off and everyone was pretty much broke, so I thought about how despite the fact that we are in a recession everyone still has money to go out and eat.

So sent out text and got numbers and sent out more text to let everyone know the time and place of Jay’s surprise. The big day came and we were still adding and changing plans. The morning of got up and began to bake my best friend a birthday cake complete with icing and red decorations. Once it was completed the hubby and I drove to Delco and picked up the birthday boy. RJ suggested a blindfold and it just so happened that Jay had a scarf that matched his shoes and the blue bandanna MeTo gave me was out. I had to stall though my assistant was not there yet and our guest ware not seated.

I headed out and we all laughed and talked about how Jay felt like a blind man but were acting like moving his head would assist in him seeing. When we arrived I dropped off the cake and made it know I was upset that my guest had not been seated. But after talking to Jen we decided that yelling surprise outside was a better idea.

So I retrieved Jay from the car and gave a guess as to where we were, Olive Garden, I said no but I did take the most direct way there from his house and it was his favorite restaurant and they were playing music. I positioned him and pulled down his blindfold as 14 of his closest friends’ yelled surprise. He was thrilled to see that it was a really party in his honor and that he meant enough to people that we went out our way to make him happy.

It was truly a good time we ate told jokes, reminisced and caused a ruckus, some of us even learned how to play an Armonica using wine glasses. While two others realized, without a doubt why I did not like Zack Wilson.

The night ended and I and MeTo had a long ride back and he was not feeling too well not to mention I pissed him off a little. So we went on and Jay was so happy and thanked everyone over and over. It was my job as the best friend to make a big fuss out of certain moments and this one was no exceptions.

Most of the crew went out for drinks after and the next day while food shopping I got a call from Jay’s brother asking if Jay’s phone was working. It turned out that the kid had had so much fun the night before he was sleeping like a rock. His mother and brother wanted to deliver his cards but were very happy and very grateful to hear his birthday was truly happy in a year that was not so great.

Is This What I Want?

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When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.

In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where  I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.

At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.

Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.

Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.

I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.

Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.

I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.

When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.

To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.

I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.

I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence?  Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.

A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.

As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.

I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.

He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.

The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.

We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.

I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.