31 December 2011

My Wish for New Years is "Tina's Wish."

(i. turner, t. turner) 
Producers: chris lord-aldge, tina turner and roger davies 
Album: what's love got to do with it (europe-94) 
Previously recorded by ike and tina as "tina's prayer" 
B-side of the "i don't wanna fight" single 

I'm talking to the priest 
The high priest 
And everybody out there in the universe 
If what I'm saying is wrong 
Then tell me the right way to say it 
Cause I wanna be made over 

Paint me red, paint me green 
Give me liberty, wash me clean 
Make me over, make me nice 
Cause when I'm done, lord, I wanna be right 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/tina+turner/tinas+wish_20137721.html ] 
Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 
Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 

Make me smart, make me king 
Give a lot, give me steam 
I want eternal beauty, spiritual things 
Cause when I'm done, yes I wanna be a good thing 

Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 
Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 

I wanna go places, I wanna do some things 
I wanna be a star, I wanna have a big name 
But in my heart, let beauty reign 
And when I'm done, I wanna have fame 

Lord make me nice, lord make me good 
Give me power, give me love 
I wanna be desireable, voluptous, tenderlized

30 December 2011

A Little Drama?

Everyone who knows VixcB knows the one thing I hate the most in life is drama. I try to avoid unnecessary drama at all cost. I am careful when selecting friends, even more careful when selecting lovers, I do my best to communicate effectively and try to select the right words and terminology when expressing my opinions and in giving criticisms. For the most part I have done a great job at minimizing the drama in my life.

Sure you have probably read some of the blogs that drip of nothing but drama but as anyone knows you can not live a life completely drama free. Recently I told MeTo how I truly felt and even went as far as to show him with a grand gesture. Things did not go well and I left feeling blue and depressed. He later admitted the situation was due to poor communication.

Then Christmas came around and I was dealing with MeTo drama, I decided to visit my my mother and the emotions of my grandmother no longer being with us brought more drama, I went to see my uncle who is not doing to well and that was more drama, then a visit from MeTo brought more drama and then a night in the ER with my best friend was just the cherry this ice cream Sunday was missing.

When it rains it pours and the worst part about the rain is there is nothing you can do about it except to wait it out. Its hard though when you have a heart full of pain and you are trying to be there for people that are suffering just as much as you are.

When I stop and think about all the things that has happened this year I realize that there is even more to me that people don't know but should know, like my self-esteem issues.

I had told MeTo when we broke up that I needed to work on me, I had no idea what issues I had just that they were causing me to be self destructive and self defeating. No matter how great my life got I was not happy and could not enjoy it the way one should. So I called things off and began working on me. I discovered it was low self-esteem which caused me to conform in relationships instead of compromising. Once I tackled those issues I sat down to figure out who I wanted to be, what I wanted in life and my Non-Negotiables. I then had to get comfortable in the new me and I did. It was such an experience to talk about me and mean what I said, to have people see what I could see, and to see what many people had been seeing all along.

I soon knew that there was just one thing missing a man who deserved a guy like me and I went to get him back but it seemed like it was to late. What I had been told was a casual relationship turned out to be far more serious and I was heartbroken. I wish I had known the seriousness but did not and so allowed my self to hope and put myself on the line.

Things began to hit the fan one by one in rapid succession and I could not take it. Things were all beyond my control and now I feel like I am just a sitting duck waiting to get more bad news that will end it all and ruin the future I was planning for myself. Thank G-d for my friends who are keeping me on track and reminding me that each possible outcome can have a positive impact on my future if I let it.  

29 December 2011

A Prayer for Sabbath and the New Year

We cannot merely pray to you, O G-d,
     to end war;
For we know that You have made the world
     in a way
That man must find his own path to peace.
Within himself and with his neighbor.

We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to end starvation;
For You have already given us the
     resources
With which to feed the entire world,
If we would only use them wisely.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to root out prejudice;
For You have already given us eyes
With which to see the good in all men,
If we would only use them rightly.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to end despair,
For You have already given us the power
To clear away slums and to give hope,
If we would only use our power justly.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to end disease;
For You have already given us great minds
With which to search out cures and healing,
If we would only use them constructively.
Therefore we pray to You instead, O G-d,
For strength, determination and will power,
To do instead of just pray,
To become instead of merely to wish."

By:
Jack Riemer
Likrat Shabbat 

27 December 2011

A Really OLD Friend

Today I talked to an old friend, someone that I told many people I would never deal with again but he seemed to show up when I was at my worst, we listened to Garbage and HIM in an attempt to make me feel better but before I knew it he was on my computer changing my facebook and even logged into our old blog. It was so scary having him back in my life we even died my hair black and just as quickly as he came he was gone.

I spent the rest of the day trying to make since of everything, I talked to My now former father in-law and his sister and they helped me gain perspective on everything. I was at my worse and it hurt because I was doing so well with everything. MeTo and I tried to discuss the possibility of getting back together but he was now not talking to me at all and my friend wanted to get revenge. To top it off Christmas brought up feelings that I hadn't dealt with as far as my grandmother's death, and at the end of the night I went to visit my uncle and he did not look well. My heart and mind were racing.

I went to work and tried to focus on my job but I could not, no matter how hard I tried. Before I knew it I was in the corner on the floor crying. How could MeTo say one thing and his actions another? Was my uncle going to make it? How could I let anger keep me from saying goodbye to my grand mother? How could a guy who I was doing a favor for, not prep everything? I was not eating and on average for every 48 hours I was only getting 6 hours of sleep.

I walked around center city after work and got some retail therapy, all things that I needed. I got home and laid down and I could not move, my body hurt so badly I could only move my finger and tried to call someone to help but no answer. I tried to call out but my voice was faint. I thought I might die I was in so much physical and emotional pain. Soon the pain died down just in time for Titus to show up. He got on my computer as I tried to clean my room and then we died my hair.

He left and I was alone to deal with my emotions, after giving my landlord the rent I decided to write MeTo a letter and sent him a text asking him to check his email. He was not answering his phone or responding to my text. I then put on War of the Roses, one of my favorite movies. I drifted in and out of sleep and when the movie was over I was fully awake. I had a missed call and a VM. Apparently MeTo pocket dialed. I tried calling him back and no answer.

I resumed cleaning and then Jaiye called and we chatted about everything. I needed the distraction. I then listened to the song. I had dedicated Beyonce's Hello to MeTo when we first started dating and I realized it still held true. I then realized that if you love something you have to set it free, if it comes back to you then its meant to be. The pain died down by a great degree. Instead of wanting to run away from the hurt I decided I would let MeTo be happy in his new relationship if thats what he wanted. I would even try to remain friends.

Its hard to let the love of you life go for real and even harder to see that he is happy with someone else. However in all of this I got something that I wanted for years, a positive self image, I gained the ability to love me first. So I know I am not ready for dating now, I am way to hurt. I will however keep an open mind and stay positive that love will find me again.  

26 December 2011

Cologne, Style, Hygiene and Etiquette

Have you ever walked past someone and found yourself wondering, “What is that smell?” sometimes its soft and welcoming, sometimes it lingers pleasantly but more often than not it’s a hard hit to the nostrils. Club night is the only night one can expect for this not to happen, with most gay men smelling like something from Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, or Axe. In the end the club smells the same it does every night, like a bunch of gay men about to have sex. All men who bother to don cologne love the way it makes them smell and give them a strange amount of confidence. Even the most attractive man seems to think he can now go after the hottest guy in the place.

I remember a time I was hanging out with new friends and one of them just had to have certain cologne, it was the only one he wore. He got it I smelled it and all I could say ways, “It smells like Woody’s on a Wednesday night.” Needless to say it was taken as an insult. We remain friends via Facebook.

 Sure from the bottle it smells one way but once it contacts skin and mixes with ones natural smell it becomes something slightly different. I however can tell a scent no matter who is wearing it. I know my favorites such as Romace, Obsession, Polo Blue, Axe, and a plethora of others. I knew them so well that many guys have no idea what I am talking about until I describe the bottle. Obviously these are the kinds that just put shit on that they think smells good.

As for the 90% of men who wear cologne it is obvious they love it, some to the point they bathe in it and those are the ones you cannot say anything to. They are the ones who might put on chap stick to finish off their look, mean while their hair could use some product and a lint roller would only do them good. It is a losing battle, there are men who look great rolling out of bed, spend the necessary time to primp and one or two sprits of their favorite sent and they go off to date the most unattractive person. Then there is the guy who looks ok, throws on whatever and goes on his way, he just so happens to be dating a guy who looks great and spends all the time in the world to get his hair, face and outfit looking just right and puts on just enough bottled sent to just bring it all together. 

Oddly enough the guy who looks ok, demands the best from everyone in areas where no one else can see, Quite a conundrum.

I dated a guy who was the type of guy who looked his best only when necessary. I have to admit when he puts his mind to it, with little effort he looks like a million bucks, pardon the cliché. On the day to day he is not that charming. He is a brain who spends all his time doing things like, work, computer games, and watching Startreck. He however demanded that I keep the house clean, the bedroom tidy and provide dinner whenever he could not or did not feel like cooking. I had no qualms with this, but when you spend a good amount of time looking your best, Hair treatments, Facials, pedicures, manicures, makeup when necessary, and occasionally getting teeth whitened, It is a bit off putting when a man who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday comes at you for sex, or pouts because it’s been a week since you have had sex and he wants a blow job.

Why kiss a man whose mouth never smells minty fresh, or cuddle when he smells not so clean. Is it wrong to try and keep some distance between you and this man who on average is a bit of a cave man? I enjoy being whisked of my feet by prince charming at least once a week.

There are some things that should never be negotiable, Daily showering, brushing of one’s teeth and using mouthwash and floss, combing hair, wearing the same outfit and socks two days in a row is never ok. Certain measures are taken to ensure that one looks and smells his best and if these measures are not taken seriously then distance is the inevitable outcome.

Proper decorum is also the biggest turn on anyone could ask for. A man who says please and thank you, one who excuses himself from the table for bodily functions and says excuse me by habit when air comes out from other places than the nose. A man who never slurps, or chews with his mouth open or eats with his fingers is not a nicety it is a necessity.

I never understood why such habits exist. Why do some parents allow, smacking lips and slurping? They are disgusting sounds and should never be herd. There are certain things that people do to show that they care for and respect those around them, Proper Table manners, Social etiquette, and Proper Hygiene are among the top important.  There is no point in time that someone should deviate from these. It is called being rude for a reason to, showing inconsideration is the same as showing disrespect.

So with all of this said what would you do if you did your best to, appear, smell, conduct yourself in a proper fashion but there are one or two men in your life that do not, such as a boyfriend?

25 December 2011

Merry Christmas Indeed

Weather you were Naughty or Nice, Hope Santa brought you a gift that was just Right!
 -------------------------------------------------------
A Prayer for Xmas

"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.


"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER ..."


His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"