Vixc-B

It is amazing how quickly you can lose yourself. It is even more amazing when trying to figure out how you want to change you forget who you are and where you come from.

In the past 4 years I have been a lot of different people and lived in a few different places, each guy I date is more different than the last and I have had many different jobs.

When I look back at that 21 year old who just came out of the closet, I am comforted and scared. When I was 21 I swore I would never wear makeup, wear girls clothing, sleep around, or live my life for my man.

Well looks like I broke all my promises. I learned so much in the past few years. I learned how to put makeup on and still look like a boy. I learned how to wear girls clothes and look like a boy. While I have had a few partners no one can really call me a whore. Even when I was with MeTo I didnt really live my life for him but I did make some sacrifices that I should not have made.

Now here I am at 25 and trying to find out, “Who is Vixc B?” the comforting part about this is I have found that every friend I have is friends with me for the same reason, they have told me I am funny, creative, stylish, caring, honest and simply fun to be around. Well not much has changed since 21.

Now I have gained a few skills, Dancing, Crocheting, Cooking, Baking, Style, I know how to throw a hell of a party. I could not do any of the preceding when I came out the closet except maybe dance. In the acquisition of my skills and talents, the places I was in and the people I was with it seemed that I was loosing myself and adjusting to my environment. Well the funny part in all of this, Is that the other day I had the desire to sew something, then to bake something, I thought about sitting down to crochet and I realized that I learned all of the things I learned because when I wanted to learn as I child it was denied to me, now as an adult I had the means to learn and I did it.

The me at 21 was a deprived person, the person I am now is the person I was always ment to be. I am learning how to love me, the past, present, and future. I enjoy learning and I know what I want to learn and I am learning it. I set a plan and things are falling into place. I should relax and stop trying to make things happen because my friends like Vixc B and I like Vixc-B and I have had love and some day a real Man will love Vixc-B Romantically and deeply as someone should be loved.

Now to just quit smoking.  

The Perfect "Gay." Part One

The gays are known for many things and in the things the gays are known for I would say maintaining an air of perfection at all times is the most famous. Among perfection we must be creative, handy, stylish, good dancers, well groomed, have disposable income, know how to have a good time, the best places to eat and decent jobs that keep our perfect lives well funded. The gays are also known for stylish parties and superb taste in music. With this stereotype or gross exaggeration it makes it a little difficult to be a perfect gay.

Many of the gay men that I have met are lucky to have two or more from the for mentioned list. I know poor gays, I know plenty with no style or fashion since, there are those with no jobs yet alone credit cards and more than most have jobs and apartments they hate because well they are not those of the perfect gay.

So what can gay men do? It would seem that if your not a perfect gay then your free time should be spent trying to become the perfect gay. This I must admit would seem to be the case with all my gay friends. Some of us are in school and others are scheming to find fame and fortune. We take the cards we have and are trying to make the most of them. Weather its taking a cheep apartment and decorating it in such a manor that it just sparkles a gleams or take the little bit of money we have and stretch the hell out of it by bargain hunting and mixing big labels with Walmart and Target to create a style that is our own and makes people think we know where to find one of a kind items.

I am not saying there is any one to blame for this image of gays to be quite honest in this time where its becoming more and more accepting to be who you are we gays are our own worst enemy. We judge each other and sometimes say and do things to make our brethren feel small so we can feel big. In turn they pay it forward so it is always going around to the point that each gay feels they have to out do the other weather it is with a better job, hot boyfriend or boyfriends, better style or more expensive clothes or by whom they know.

To be quite honest I would like to have it all and I am working towards it. I want the expensive stylish wardrobe, the large house with room to entertain, lavish vacations and a dreamy husband to boot. I want to know the who’s who and have a place in society as “So and So.” To be honest we gays simply took the American dream and made it our own in such a way that its ultimate, we want it and demand it of all those in and near our circle. A gay man rather hate a guy because he has something he doesn't than to hate a guy because the other is just plane mean.

The gays are also known for their flair for drama.  

OK, Yes, I am Flawed.

My heart has always gotten me in the most trouble. My love for my friends and family has allowed me to take the fall for things we all did or things that I knew about but felt they should not get in trouble for. Growing up I tried to take the burden off my mother simply because I didn't want to see her stressed.

As an adult my fear in becoming a gay stereotype has a allowed myself to fall for guys that I had no business falling for. Mr. M, Mr. MeTo, and most recently JR. I have had plenty of boyfriends but I always go for the ones who seem like they don't care. With the exception of MeTo and Chris, every guy I dated used me then tossed me aside. Sure there were those two week-ers that I saw no potential in but can I really be held accountable by karma and fate? Thats the reason you date to see if there is compatibility. I never lied to a guy and I never intentionally lead them on.

So then why do I keep falling for the REALLY wrong guys? Is it timing? I was told by M that I should take time being single which was the goal but the other night he pointed something out that I thought no one else noticed and I hopped no one else noticed. He told me that when I get into a relationship I lose myself, I conform and give in more than compromise. It was that major reason that I called things off with Dr. MeTo. I felt and still feel that if I don't stay true to me first, then I can not stay true to someone who is more than friends. Which would explain why I cheated on him. Sure with MeTo I became a different person that everyone liked but I felt like I was acting most days and it made me sad.

So now here I am single with no potentials. I have decided to swear of sex and I am not looking for a boyfriend or a guy to give me a good time. I would like to surround myself with friends and make some awesome memories.

Recently I tried to change for myself and I realized that I need not become a new person but take the several different people that I have been over the past 4 years and meld them into the Victor I like and love. I used to be known for my love a checker prints and now its sparkle. I used to be the life of the party then I simply became the host, I have a style that is all my own and I used to have no real style. So yeah I am a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw.

Sure I don't have a Mr. Big and to be honest I hate heartache just as much as I hate gamers, lairs, and unnecessary drama. So here is my list of things to work on.

My flaws

I have a fear of being hurt

I trust the wrong people

I always learn the hard way despite what ever warnings I get.

I back down when I should stand my ground

I am stubborn when I should be laid back

I give my heart to easily

I can take a joke to far

I am vindictive

I wear my emotions on my sleeve

I try to please the wrong people

I don't know how to express my emotions or when I have an issue

I don't know how to ask for help   

New Me

	Luciana - I'm Still Hot .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

What Am I Not Seeing

So it has been a crazy time with MeTo and I trying to figure the friend thing out, planning a sudden move, dealing with school, bills catching up, new job, new and old friends and the clash. I think maybe a recap is an order.

So its well known that I am in school for Culinary Arts and that my dream is to one day have my own bakery cafe. So I had no idea how much extra Books, supplies, and uniforms cost. I was hopping to have financial aid to pay for it all but an oversight on the part of an individual at my school cause me to have to wait. In the short version JR tried to comfort me and it was a good effort but I still became depressed and MeTo lent me the money to go to school. Then LAB lent me 310 for books and supplies and my buddy Matt gave me 100 as a gift. I just made it.

Then I decided I had had enough of Starbucks and all their bull shit and began looking for another job. I made the information known to customers and may began giving me their contact info to be a reference. However it was one customer in particular whom we will call Nate, told me to try his job at Serifina. Serifina is an Italian restaurant with a bakery cafe attached, Nate thought I would be better off there as a barista then at Starbucks, and so I went it. Little did I know that my recommendation was so high that the interview process was such a formality that I I was simply told to call back and get my training schedule.

I was so excited but when I sent JR the text saying I was in school and had a new job it was a few days b4 he hit me up. For some reason no matter what I tried he was distant. I focused on school and work and before I knew it I was not leaving Starbucks. So I had two jobs and more responsibility. But the sad part was the guy I was now ready to start dating was distant so I cut him out.

Then I get a text from him telling me he lost his job so I tried to be there for him and tried to call to talk to him and it was at the point everything we ever sad was now via text, when we used to talk at least every other day. This went on until I got a text from him saying he was seeing someone else. He was quite cold and did not show any concern for my feelings. My friends told me to just let it go.

Before I knew it I was smoking more than I ever did before, drinking more than I ever did before and eating less, some days I even vomited what little I drank. Everything was crashing down. I had to find a new place to live and the potential new roommates were all acting like ass holes. So I shut the world out. Thats when I saw who my rel friends were, Icon and Ivan. When ever I saw them they would sympathize with me and sometimes simply listen. They were there for me and they were concerned. It was see this that made me want to change a few things.

I decided to, quit smoking, do a detox get to my goal weight and then start working out. Of coarse having just been jilted I changed my hair too. I also decided to hold off on dating and get my mind and heart right along with my body.

A major player in all of this was Mr M. it was he that I called the night JR sent me those text and it was he that was there when I knew everyone else was at work or dealing with other things. We commiserated, advised and even pointed out some major flaws and one of mine that he pointed out that I hoped no one else saw, when I am in a relationship I conform instead of compromising. I try to be the person I think they want and not myself. Looks like M is a good friend who is willing to point out my flaws.