I AM JUST MAD. Tired of this shit.

There used to be a lot that pissed me off. I hated almost everything my parents did, I hated being ignored, being lied too, let down, put in situations that I could not control. I hated people who called me a friend then would talk about be behind my back. People who were my friend one day then my enemy the next, I hated trying to fit in, I hated school, I hated homework and test, I hated cleaning, I hated having to cook, I hated boring family functions I hated, a lot. 

Then the day came when I started to learn plenty of useful things and while I tried to hold onto my family I learned how friends were more important. I learned how rewarding it was to keep a clean room, I learned how things tasted better when you made them yourself. I learned that there was more than one way to was a shirt and that washing it the right way meant it lasted longer and looked better. I learned that doing things yourself meant they got done when they needed to be done. I learned that not all schools were the same and that an A on your homework would help get an A on your test and the A on your test made them almost worthwhile.

I learned a lot of things about life and non of the important things learned at home from family. I learned on my own or from teachers or friends. I thought that family was supposed to nurture you and help you grow into a decent person. I learned as a child that mom and dad were always proud of you as long as you tried your best, they then taught me that my best was not good enough. 

Why is it at 24 years of age I am still struggling with all the stuff that I should have learned as a teenager? When I felt bad I had to blast music to feel better, HIM, Garbage, Beethoven, Bach and I spent many a night and weekend alone in my room trying to clean it, do homework or forget what happened in the living room with my step father, or the dining room with my mother, or what my so called friends said and did to me that week. 

I am hurt and traumatized and the only thing that would honestly help is if I got an apology, a simple I’m sorry. It hurts that for years I maintained a relationship with certain people in hopes that things would get better yet when things got bad I was blamed for the past, I was left out and each time it only caused more and more scars.

I want out, so many teens have committed suicide and I wish I could one of the guys to honestly say, it gets better, but dose it? My family did not stand behind me, when things got bad I got yelled at, I was judged, I was told to clean my room. I have so many bad memories and all the while I was prevented from making friends, I hung with my cousins or I hung with no one. I played in front of the house or I stayed in. I did stuff at the church or I did homework. My childhood was taken from me by the very people who were supposed to give it to me.

I want to give over it but my heart won’t let me, my head says its over and life gets better but it dosen’t. I am making 8 dollars an hour at 24 at a part time job the best I can get. Why is this so if life gets better. Suicide seems like a great idea and to this day no one will or can give a reason as to why I should honestly go on. Life doesn't get better for the ones who’s parents don’t support them. 

I hate to say it but offing yourself is the most logical excuse. Why go through life with all the sadness of growing up among people who refuse to help you better yourself for the sake of bettering yourself? Why life a life of minimum wage when you know you deserve better? Why should anyone care? There is so much that people can do to make a person’s life just a little better but we live in a selfish world where people rather make more money that make another person’s life better. The economy is heading into the toilet and the rich don’t care because they are rich, the poor don’t care because they are trying to survive. 

By definition I am sad person with a really good mask, I smile to hid my pain, I take vitamins because it’s the only thing I can afford to prevent me from killing myself. And as hard as I try when I look at my life I don’t see a good reason to go on. Yes I have a fiancee but I am being supported I have no independence. I am supposed to go to school with no money I can only afford one semester a year and how I am supposed to pay for books is still out there. 

My point is I have been struggling all my life to have just a small piece of what everyone else has and has been willing to help. I have befriended people who are in the same boat and all I can say is I have yet to see proof the it gets better. Sure it gets better if mom and dad are there for you, it gets better if you have money but for poor gay black boys from the ghetto who’s Mom hates them and has never stood up to say I was wrong and sorry it simply just doesn’t happen.

Can a Christian boy where what he wants for Halloween?

I think many of you have probably heard about the mother who dressed her son up as Daphne for Halloween per her son’s request. I find it fascinating how his peers accepted him but the parents were the ones who gave the mother a hard way to go. 

There are many points about this story I think need to be addressed. The first this is a Christian school, from the fact that this is an issue, shows that the school is not progressive. So why then are they celebrating a pagan holiday such as Halloween? Second the boy wanted to the costume and his friends had no qualms with it they probably thought it was great, proof that intolerance is taught and not inbred.  Third why are these parents trying to tell this woman how to raise her child? Fourth again this is a Christian school aren’t Christians supposed to accept people and not judge. Sounds like the parents of this school are quick to the draw when it comes to casting stones. 

All in all this a classic example of how Christianity is the most hypercritical religion. I can say this as I am a christen and have be subjected to the criticisms, and constant judgments by the very people who claim to be just as imperfect. 

Halloween

This year for Halloween I was invited to a drag party. I thought what the hell I already wear makeup why not take it a step further. The plan was to go to this party and then Voyeur. Voyeur was staying open till 8am so it was a big deal. My friend jay had decided to dress as Wendy Williams and planned this elaborate costume. He was hype and been talking about it for months.

I am not sure I understand the joy that people get from Halloween. Many of my friends go all out with their costumes and begin planning their costume and what they are going to do way in advanced. I planned everything that has to do with Halloween at the last minute. I think it may stem from growing up in a family that never really celebrated the holiday, Christians.

I decided at the last minute to go as a witch and that caused Phil to wear his costume, a fairy. This was totally comical. I put on my makeup and I borrowed a bra, wore a tee shirt that said, “No really, this is my Halloween costume.” I thought after everything I still looked like a boy in girls cloths. Phil went all out with his tutus, thong, wig, heels and mask. I felt safe walking outside as long as my wig hid most of my face he on the other hand, we had to call a cab which never came.

We pre-gamed it and thank god we did as when we got to the party there was next to nothing to drink. It was also a small crowd. I was shocked I came to party like VixcB typically dose. I managed to scrape something up and Phil and I mingled a little until the party was moved to Woody’s. A few drinks, some dancing and we were off to Voyeur. Phil got hit on I danced with one person and before I knew it, I was feeling old and off my grove. Me, VixcB, I used to go to the club not thinking what anyone thought had a good time I usually talked to someone about how sexy they thought I was.

Needless to say I ripped my wig and bra off and danced some more before getting a text from Jaiye say he went back to his friend’s apartment and his feet were killing him. Under old circumstances I would have stayed until closing but the booze had affected my mood negatively and Phil was tired of that chasing him all over. We left and Phil paid for the cab.

In the car I remember calling Mr. MeTo and told him I was old and I think I may have blamed him for it. Once we got to Phil’s place I crashed and woke with a total hangover. I didn’t think I drank that much but it was enough to cause a hangover and I spent the day watching Disney Halloween movies with my best friend while trying to recover.

I left my favorite city late and took in the scenery of center city as I walked from one train to the other. I thought of how I always hated leaving, it depressed me that I could not spend more time with Jaiye and Phil, I longed for the days when we would go out together and make new friends. Our lives were like a TV show with each season having different friends but the main character remained the same.

I got home and my mind was all mixed up and I had lots to think about. Did I like where my life was going? Did I want to say in this relationship? Did I want to move back to the city or to the country? Plans were made and I felt I had to decide quickly. One thing was certain, I was in love with MeTo my biggest fear during the time I was thinking was I might break his heart.

As time went on MeTo kept asking what was wrong a refused to accept nothing for an answerer and I just exploded. My outburst turned into a long discussion as to how we could stay together and remain happy and as things stand now at the end of our lease while we will remain together we may end up living apart for a year or two.

Awesome Celebrity Anti-Bullying Video

VixcB on youtube

So Awesome.

ULTIMATE GAY HOUSE PARTY!!!

I am initiating the planning of the ULTIMATE GAY HOUSE PARTY!!! Tell your gay friends to hit me up so I can send them an invite.

spirit day

Sperit Day

So today is spirit day and wearing the purple and hear about all the people who committed suicide only reminded me of my family and what it was like growing up as a gay teen and not being allowed to tell anyone. The one person that knew, who was a family member took advantage of the situation and caused only greater heartache.

So much of my child hood is hidden away in secrets. Things I have done, seen, people I have spoke too. I hate looking back to the day when I was young pretending I was going to do things that I could see would never happen.

I told everyone I wanted to be a doctor and pastor. It made everyone happy especially my mother and grandmother. My tutors thought it was such a noble goal. I wanted nothing more than to tell them there was a good chance it would never happen. I grew up in a family and church the condemned people for being gay. Gay acts sent people to hell I was told, it seemed that to be gay was worse than an alcoholic, prostitute, drug dealer, rapist.

It seemed when ever my mother of grandmother hear anything relating to gay they would start quoting the bible and talking about how gay were going to hell. It was hard to hear knowing that while I was trying to make it go away it was very much a part of my life.

In the forth grad kids began teasing me, calling me gay and other horrible things. I dealt with it daily and by the time I was in sixth grade it was made quite clear that I did not fit in anywhere. I wanted to end it all. My home life was terrible with my mother and stepfather always fighting, my stepfather made it clear he did not like me and my mother did little to show she cared. At school I was picked on endlessly and got into fights. No one was on my side I felt. My mother would tell me to ignore them or try to be more like them which only got me into more trouble.

I began thinking about suicide and I grew up hearing how that was a sin and one way ticket to hell. I felt so trapped. I began asking my mother about technicalities as far as being gay and suicide were concerned and she made it clear there were no outs for me.

My life became an unfocused one of fasting and praying, trying to fit in, do my homework alone, or at my after school program, trying to avoid my stepfathers rage, and trying to hide the fact I was gay.

One morning I was scolded for being pricey by my mother, she told me thats why my stepfather and I did not get along.

I then went to my school counselor and told her I wanted to die. I had it and before I knew it she was asking questions about why and how. The fact I was thinking about suicide was already privileged information and I told here it was because of home. My mother found out and told me to stop seeking attention.

I felt I could trust no one. The day came when I could not take it any more and I tried to move out. My mother fought with me but I was 19 and managed to break free. I lived alone for a year and after awhile I was dating men and I had gay friends. I went to my first gay club and realized that things were not as sinful as my mother said.

At the end of the year I decided to move back home to save money. My mother could tell I changed and was not nice to me. My stepfather was however and our relationship was on the mend. It was not long but I fell in love with a guy and my mother came right out and asked if I was gay. At first I said no but I thought about it and later told her I was. She kicked my out and I began telling everyone. I was shocked that all my friends were so excepting. They told me they loved me and many said they already knew but wanted to give me time.

I felt free although my mother and grandmother were outraged. My friends were there for me and then I made new friend who showed me what the gay life was like fore them. There were night of crazy parties and quiet evenings out to dinner. I did all the things I used to do and more except now I was happy there was no more brick walls keeping people out.

Coming out at 21 was a lot easier than coming out before I was 18. school was tough as a kid and being openly gay may have made it worse not sure and I cant say for sure. There are times I think about it and being openly gay would have gave them one less thing tease me about.

I look at my life now, I am engaged and happy, my life is finally coming together and I have met some extraordinary people. The point of it all is I made it through the rough times of having that secret and being so worried about my mother. She still hasn't accepted me and her whole family probably didn't acknowledge today.

As for that family member he is not nearly as happy as I am, non of those family members are I knew because although I was the black sheep they all confided in me.

In closing I simply want to say that homosexuality is not easy to deal with at any age and being a teen is tough enough. I can only Imagen what it is like to come out and still be picked on mercilessly. What has happened is heart wrenching to hear about parents who lost their children its not fair. Everyone agrees there is nothing worse than burring a child. What do we, the roll models of our children, do to encourage them to life each other up. How are we setting an example with our actions, that we want them to better not simply because we want them to but because they can.

If just one person came to me and told me to be myself no matter what when I was a child, told me that they had my back as long as I was trying to make the world a better place in some small way I would have felt the need to lie a lot less. The fact remains every gay person I have ever met has admited that the now has mad the past so worth it.

My Life Was Shit??

I do not think anyone understood or could even fathom how bad a shape my life has gotten to be.  Vixc B was always the one who had it together or at least could make it look like he had it together.  I was one who always had a job, I had a car, and I always had enough money to go out even when I was broke.  My friends loved to be around me because I always had good advice when needed and I could sit down and really talk with them.  Then it seemed like once it all started coming together, it went to shit.

I lost my car, my job, the means to go back to school and the place I was living was miles away from my friends.  To top it all off, my mother was not coming around to the idea of having a gay son; she went as far as to force me to pretend that I was not gay whenever she was around.  I went with it I am a survivor.  Then my sister hit 21 my cousin became a father and we lost our grandmother to cancer.  To the rest of my family it was not that much of a shock but to me I was completely blindsided.  My mother never told me much all I knew, she was in the hospital for dehydration.

Before I knew it, things were happening fast, Panera was no longer my place of employment and my love of crafts and cooking led to perusing a career in baking.  I needed money, mom was not helping, and financial aid was only giving me about a quarter of what I needed.  I was hoping for a scholarship that I did not get and then a fight with my mother left me not talking to her side of the family.  I then found out she told the police I punched her in the face.  I was devastated, she lied on me.

I began looking at where I was in life.  No car, suspended license, I owed money for tickets, I had no money for school, no job and I might be going to jail.  I just wanted to get an education and have a bakery café.  I spoke with my aunt and she confirmed there was no warrant for my arrest. I then found out that I only had to pay off the tickets I already started paying to get my driver license back. I then felt like a fool because Middlesex community had a both Pastry arts and culinary arts programs that I could afford.  I found the information to all my accounts and got them in order and my 401K is still growing although I am not adding to it.

My external hard drive was on the fritz and today it worked after I tried everything.  My life was now organized both digitally and all my paperwork.  My house is almost all clean and it’s only Thursday.  I do not know if it is safe to breathe yet, but here goes nothing.

VixcB's webcam video October 06, 2010, 07:27 PM

Its Cool

After the 4th of July

After July 4 things got crazy busy and MeTo made a surprise announcement that made everyone halt in their tracks.

MeTo decided that a recent panic attack meant he was not meant to get his PhD and after doing the necessary research, he decided that taking a masters and becoming a teacher was the right move to make.  A weeklong trip with his parents and he was still not changing his mind.

Phil and Andre were going strong and at the Gayborhood block party, they seemed so perfect together.  Then André found out he was accepted to the perfect school to do his post doc except it was in California.  Phil and Andre were left with making a decision, Long distance relationship or to call it quits.

 While MeTo was away on his weeklong trip with the parents, I was working on the face of my business.  Thanks to MeTo, I had the perfect name, Bethéa Pâtisserie.  I bought the URL and even some test marketing supplies and it all was to come in early august.  I got a few things for Vixcb.com but with a greater request for my bakery, I had to give all my attention to that.  I then had a small get together.  The turnout was smaller than I wanted but it was still a good time.

Jaiye had got back with Josh and things were not all Roses and Sunshine. Ramón Kicked Jaiye out and the two were now living at a friend’s place in center city.  Jaiye was now dead set on getting a job in Center City and get a place.

RJ finally herds the thing every gay man wants to hear.  Josh told him he was the only one he ever really loved, except Josh still liked sleeping with women and so commenced the open relationship came to be.  Josh gets to sleep with women and RJ continued to sleep with, Tom, Sean, Scott and Brian.

By the end of July, so much had happened and was happing that it was no surprise that august was a downpour.  The summer was hot and there was next to no rain except when it came to drama.

Phil and Andre called it off but were still acting as if they were together they even attended a recent party of mine together and it looked as if things had not changed.

Jaiye brook up with Josh for the last time.  Things got so bad that I felt it was necessary to pull away and just let the cards fall as they may.  Jaiye’s birthday just went buy as Jaiye was in a depression.

MeTo decided to do sales a job we all told him he would not like.  He was set on it and for me to get the bakery going as soon as possible even if it meant I quit Panera.  MeTo then had a long meeting with his advisor who not to everyone’s surprise crumbled and negotiated a deal that made getting a PhD more appealing than going into Sales.  So now, upon graduation MeTo will have a PhD and will become a high school science teacher.

RJ is still RJ and working a new job and has decided to lose weight.  He is already a great looking person but this is something he wants and his friends are happy to support him.

Jaiye is out of his depression and onto dating.  He has found a job and a few affordable apartments.  Therefore, it is only a matter of time before Jaiye is on his feet.

As for me, Bethéa Pâtisserie is coming along and will soon launch.  I have also decided to go to school at the French culinary institute.  I have lots of support just not a lot of funds, that is how “Cook it, Eat it, Blog it!” was born.  Lots of research, a few cookbooks, and several events and I will be busy to the point I will have to Quit Panera.

Life is good for the RGOP and our men and my Indigo Life is moving onto a new chapter.

4th of July

My week had finally started to balance things out. MeTo and I decided we would go upstate for the weekend but with the way things looked it might be just a day trip. Fortunately I was about to get someone to cover my Monday shift.  Then a car accident later I found out that Panera was in for drama the needed me to find someone else.  Thank god I did and then I realized that I would have off the 4^th the 5^th and the 6^th but the 7^th I had my 2^nd cake class which I was excited about.

I was so excited to be going upstate to see my in-laws their amazing dog, and the new addition. Not to mention the chance to just relax. I was slightly tempted to bail due to the fact the house need cleaning, laundry needed to be done, recipes perfected and a closet needed lots of TLC. Despite it all I ran away to a place flooded with joy, joy, excitement and two people who understand the importance of just getting away and relaxing.

The moment I arrived my future father in-law offered me a drink, I chooses peach schnapps and he decided to make it a double. I was shocked how fast it hit me. I thought the porch was spinning for a few seconds. Soon after our arrival it was time for dinner bison burgers, salad and a few other traditional BBQ favorites that had a healthy spin like turkey sausage and grilled vegies. 

The first night was the big 4^th celebration, which was held on the 3^rd, down on the lake.  We all went down to taste the pig, have some burgers and mingle with the neighbors.

My mother in-law wanted to dance so she grabbed her other son in law and the tore the dance floor up. It was the cutest thing. Much to my surprise MeTo found an old friend and started talking it turned out he enjoyed web design as a hobby and was willing to help me out. I needed a logo and he was more than happy to do it.  The night ended late looking at the stars talking politics and enjoying the chocolate cake I made. It was well enjoyed and I was given many words of praise.

The next morning I wrote a little and then my aunt in law and her daughter arrived. You want to meet someone fun meet this woman. Free spirited and loving just like her brother. We did all kinds of things BBQ, looked at a house. Did some light shopping, and we filled in the gaps with jokes about Activia and the mahjong ladies of Brooklyn. 

So many fun memories were made and If laughter was a drug we all would have died from an over dose with enough left over to kill others.

But like all things in life the weekend came to an end,  But I now know I like malted and that white chocolate raspberry ice-cream is addictive, proof my mother in-law and I have very common taste.

Suicide

A friend  who I consider to be extremely close attempted suicide t the week before the fourth of July. Due to the fact that we are so close and that I did not have an address to send authorities I rushed to Philly. It ruined not only my day but my entire week.

For the little got from my friend he decided to take the last of his anti-viral medication. I later learned that this was a shitty way to try and off oneself.  Most antiviral medications will cause you to get really sick at worst not kill you but I ran to Philly anyway.

I was able to find the house from the little information that had received from various people. I thought 302 would be a great idea but figured I would talk to my other friends before I made such a rash decision.

I also talked to my friends ex to get the back story. It would seem that my friends ex who had been frisky with other men during the course of their off and on relationship of 5 months. This time my friend found out that his boyfriend kissed another man, again, and pushed him into a fence. The boyfriend then exclaimed that he never wanted to see my friend again due to the fact that his brush with the fence caused him to bleed. All of this was explained to me by my friends ex.

I figured I could put both sides of the story together once I saw my comrade face to face. When he finally stopped crying and wishing he could just sleep he told me his side of the story which shockingly was exactly the same as his ex’s.

Things progressed and while his closes friends were all for 302 another party dragged his mother back into the equation which took the burden off of us so to speak. We did not want to take such drastic measures without the consent of his next of kin who was now backing in the picture.

The night dragged on and I had to start rearranging my week so I would not lose my job. 

As it turned out my friend never did get 302 and whiles all of my friend friends think that his ex is simply no good my friend still wants him back. What the hell is it with gay’s and welcomed drama?

Hello Mother

I had been planning to contact my mother in some form other than a text, for quite some time.  I had been debating on what I should get her for mother’s day alongside it. Due to a mix up, the card I wanted to send to her could no longer be sent and it was well past mother’s day.

I decided on the Junior’s cheesecake cookbook.  I had found it quite useful and I remembered my mother saying how she wanted to create the perfect cheesecake.  I went to Barns and Noble dot com and ordered it to arrive to her house.

The day that it arrived, I got a call from Jaiye saying there had been a tornado in Delco.  I became quickly worried.  My sister had tried to call me only moments before Jaiye, but because I was in Wal-Mart shopping with my headphones on I missed the call.

Jaiye told how Lansdowne looked like a disaster area and that there was no power.  I hurried off the phone with Jaiye and began calling my sister like a mad man.  When she answered, her sweet loving voice gave no indication that anything was wrong, she sounded happy to hear from me and gave every indication she had happy things to tell me.

We chatted about how she drove around that day with our stepfather and that she thought there was a tornado but Sharon Hill was untouched except for some golf ball sized hail and rain.  I was so happy to hear that the first love of my life was not only fine but also happy.

The last of my worries was if the wind might have blown the package off the porch but my sister told me she saw it, which meant it was now in the house.

I then called my grandmother and aunt and my grandmother gave me an earful about taking so long to call her and not calling her when I was in “the depths of despair.”  We then talked about the hail and rain and her commute home in it.  She was all giggles about it.

Latter I went to arrange my remote corner of the house.  I bought a bookcase and wanted to put it together and make what is my little workspace neat tidy and organized.  It came out nice.  The printer has a permeate spot now and I have a trashcan and file cabinet.  The funny thing now is I have lots of functional storage space for files books and anything else I would need in a home office all in a 6 by 4 foot space.

When I was done, I checked my phone and there were two missed calls, both from mother.  I called her right away and asked if she gotten my gift, she said yes but this was a better one, meaning the phone call.  She then went on about how much she missed me and was worried.  I could say nothing except to ask is she already had the book.  We talked for 49min and in that time she told me she was getting her business license and that she had to have surgery due to scar tissue.

I did not like the sound of it but she sounded fine and gave the news in a matter of fact tone.  We then talked about church and all the things we normally talk about, but there was no talk of my engagement, or other reasons I had stopped talking to her.  It was as if we just picked up where we left off. 

She does not know it but I do plan to be there the day of her surgery.  I figure this is how our relationship will be.  Things go ok and when holidays come up, she will pretend to be shocked that I did not show up because I am with MeTo’s family or the two of us went to my grandmother’s.  This year will be hard but it ultimately will define the type, if any, relationship my mother and I will have.

Philly Pride and the RGOP

Of all the things Philadelphia is known for, the lad marks, the art mesueam, the franklin institute, ockie and the gayborhood nothing keeps me coming back more than my friends. It is hard to believe that I am fast approaching the 4 year mark of being open and happy.

Recently the four of us met up for one of the biggest events in the city, Philly Pride. I would be lying if I said pride was supper fantastic, I never go for the sake of going, or the entertainment.  I go because of my friends Jaiye, Phil, and RJ. It is also to see who we will bump into, old friends who’s names we forgotten but faces we will never forget and of course the men whom we have slept with, had bad dates, and just downright pissed us off.

The best part of the actual event was Raven from Ru Paul’s Drag Race and Jennifer Coolidge  (Stiffler’s Mom). Raven Looked and was amazing and Jennifer was Funny. I had no idea that she did stand up nor did I know she was coming to pride. I think it is time I get back into the loop.

The Real Gays of Philadelphia were together and having a blast. We hugged old gay buddies but aside from that kept to our selves no one was in constant attention.

RJ and I were the only ones alone. RJ broke up with his Josh 3 days prior and MeTo stayed home to do some work. Phil and Andre looked so cute together and just watching and listening to them gave several awe moments and made me wonder, “Maybe they are a perfect couple.”  And as for Jaiye the night before I found out that he and his Josh were engaged. This came as a shock to us all. With all the drama and the recent open relationship it left the rest of us thinking, “BIG Mistake.” But after talking to Jaiye and hearing the he thought about all the same concerns we did and that he knows its crazy, but still wants to take the chance, I gave my blessing. I latter told all my friends about the conversation and that we should support Jaiye.

I then gave my congratulations and joked about engagement parties and wedding ideas.

The day was rain on and off ending with a down pour. As we walked in the rain back to RJ’s car, we passed old spots that reminded me of Mr. M. La Scala’s where we had fancy pizza and expensive drinks and  the place that I bought the 9 dollar Kamikaze. Those we happy times but for each happy moment I could recall several unhappy one’s. I sent him a text letting him know I went to pride and thought of him when I passed La Scala’s. I never did hear back from him.

It was a happy kind of day and while it was a rainy one I had lots of fun and walking around center city it became clear I really did miss this city.

While at pride it was announced that the gayborhood would no longer just be a nick name. it was an official neighborhood in Philadelphia. There were official plans and the weekend of July tenth was a big one. When I got home, I told MeTo that I simply had to go.

So pride was full of surprises and I simply cannot wait to find another excuse to go back home.

The Move

When MeTo and I got back from Miami, it was now time to start packing.  We decided to move to the Town home in North Brunswick.  It was closer to my job and we would no longer have to deal with the one roommate that drove me nuts.

It was not long before the stress of moving started getting to me.  MeTo and our roommate were handling all the paperwork and getting the keys and all the shit that is not too crazy.

Our lease ended May 31^st and our new leas started May 1^st giving us one month to move and halfway though almost being done packing on mother’s day I find out that we were not moving until the last minute.  It was official my only roll in this move was to pack the boxes as told.  MeTo had also been getting bold with putting his foot down and being in charge.  Like a dummy, I let it go and before I knew it, I was ready to hurl a pot at his head.

With all of this and the fact that he was on the computer until 11:30 at night and I have to be up for work at 5am and our other roommate like to make notice in his room with the door opened I was at the end of my rope.  I was not sleeping and everyone I lived was driving me crazy.

It became clear one night that it would be in MeTo’s best interest to, “Get the hell away from me.” he chose to poke the bear and it only made matters worse.  I refused to talk to him for over a day.  We eventually talked and he set things right.

The move was long and tiring our roommate had a graduation, we used MeTo’s SUV, and his parents’ Tahoe to get everything moved.  It was several days of packing and moving at the end but that was because we did things his way and not mine.

Once in the new place there was an issue with the internet.  Our roommate wanted his computer, which is in his room, hard wired to the router, which was in the basement.  After three days of him, making excuses not to get a wireless adapter I finally said fuck it.  I do not want to deal with it and told rob to figure out something or I was cutting it off.

I was tired of hearing about this contract, which had nothing to do with me, and what our roommate wanted.  I wanted out and to let the two of them deal with it as best as they saw fit.  In the middle of our conversation, our roommate decided to join in and speak his mind.  Therefore, the conversation went on until the two of them worked it out and the matter was settled.  Sometimes, “You just gotta be a bitch to get shit done.”

Miami & Flying

Before I knew it, it was time to go to Miami, MeTo was working long hours trying to get his presentation together and I was working my new hours at work trying to learn the proper way to set up the bakery.  Things had gotten so crazy that the idea of packing was always second to cleaning, eating, getting to work, or whatever managed to just pop up.  

One day I decided to call RJ and he told me that he was hanging out with Josh.  It would seem everyone I know has or is dating a Joshua.  In addition, while things did not work out between my mine and me, it is a safe bet to think that this is how things work with people named josh.  Jaiye and his we are have trust issues and RJ and his could not say together or apart.  Now they were on their way to the beach to "just be."

You could say it was cute or a typical gay relationship except this josh was not your typical gay man.  Josh could not decide whether he was gay or straight.  The last time the two of them called it quits was because Josh did not want his san to grow up with a gay father, yes this Josh is a confused daddy and RJ is in love with him.

It was only a matter of time before they were official again, 1 day to be exact and I was about to hit the shore of Miami so I could not got to Philly to get all the details.

The night before we left Jaiye called and I was trying to pack and pack efficiently.  MeTo told me to take only one bag and it would be my carry on.  Therefore, I had to be careful about what I packed.  No big bottles and no clear liquids.  I wanted to scream, “I am gay, I buy big bottles and I have to have baby oil and hair jell.” Instead, I simply said, “Fucking Terrorist.”

Jaiye and MeTo got a kick out of me trying to pack and how I freaked out when I found something else I wanted to take and then something I did not need.  Needles to say I figured it out and was quite impressed with the contents of my bag.

That morning mom and dad picked us up and drove us to the airport.  We made great timing and when it was time to go through security, “I am sorry but you to check your bags.”  They were too big and buy a small fraction, which meant we had to pay 25 bucks per bag and I had to carry my laptop in my arms. 

The flight was interesting to say the least a small plane with no Wi-Fi.  Take off was the best part in hindsight.  I was tense and scared.  The idea of leaving the ground was a scary thought in its self-but to actually be doing it and feeling gravity fight agents the plain almost made me pass out.  Once we leveled off, I was fine as there was next to no turbulence.

When it came time to land and we were making of decent we felt the plain speed up.  Then the captain came on and told us that we almost hit another plain.  I was pissed that he told us that and did not wait until we landed.

The Miami airport was far better than Newark’s.  It was huge and we had to hike to get to luggage pickup.  There was lots of store and I just felt like I was near the shore.  The only problem was the rain.  It was raining hard. MeTo was enjoying the look of excitement on my face, he looked frustrated and rushed, I tried to tell him to slow down but he had too many excuse so I just let him be. A not so quick cab ride through rainy Miami and we were at the hotel that I helped MeTo pick out.

There at the hotel we met Paul. Paul, like the hotel, was a Miami stereotype, Paul was a hairy old Jewish looking person who was as gay as an all girl school choir was.  He told us that he was the best to ask for advice as to where to go because, “I am a real straight shooter, that’s about the only thing straight about me.”  MeTo and I just laughed and went to our room.

Miami was a great town with lots of great places to eat.  Miami Beach is like Manhattan with a lot of shore where people relax on the beach instead of work on Wall Street.

I hit up a gay bar and while I was out MeTo texted me to tell me that his shoes were shot. So on my way to find him shoes I called Lou who probably was unaware that I was now below the Mason Dixon line.  We chatted about how I saw few attractive young gay people.

I latter realized that Miami was nothing more than a tropical Manhattan.  The attitudes were all the same and I was shocked to find that the shore area was not all that jumping.  I had fun lounging on the beach looking free Wi-Fi and finding a laptop bag for 15 bucks that fit my laptop.  The worse part of the trip was the rain and when I was swindled out of 20 dollars, the best part was watching MeTo build sand castles on the beach and spending time with him when he was not at the conference.

We ate well and the trip was great until we got back to good ole New Jersey.  When we arrived, my bag was onetime as for MeTo is no luggage.  It was six days before we got his bag back and buy then his camera was stolen.  American Airlines refused to pay for it because they do not cover electronics.  As we felt we were going to carry our bags on this seemed like it should not apply, as we were not warned of this when were told at the last minute we had to check our bags.  Needless to say, we are advising everyone not to fly American airlines.

We All Have a Mr. M

One day I decided to call RJ and he told me that he was hanging out with Josh.  It would seem everyone I know has or is dating a Joshua. In addition, while things did not work out between my mine and me, it is a safe bet to just think that is how things work with people named josh.  Jaiye and his we are have trust issues and RJ and his could not say together or apart.  Now they were on their way to the beach to simply hang out.

You could say it was cute or a typical gay relationship except this josh was not your typical gay man. Josh could not decide whether he was gay or straight.  The last time the two of them called it quits was because Josh did not want his san to grow up with a gay father, yes this Josh is a confused daddy and RJ is in love with him.

It was only a matter of time before they were official again, 1 day to be exact and I was about to hit the shore of Miami so I could not go to Philly to get all the details.

Drama and the Real Gays of Philadelphia.

The Sunday after my birthday was Easter Sunday and I had the day off so I figured I would go to the city (Philadelphia) and hang out with my friends.  All attended except Lou, some excuse about being tired and having no money, Typical Lou.  I listened to his excuse and although not legit, I let him off.

I met RJ and Phil in Upper Darby and then we went to Jaiye’s job to pick him up.  We bumped into Jaiye’s boyfriend and we all chatted until he left and then I talked to RJ about his recent activities with a married man.

Recently Jaiye told me that RJ had quite a good time one night with a married man, which turned into a good day with the married man’s family.  There was no shame coming from RJ.  The story got even better once I talked to RJ.

RJ explained that the person was in the army and of course in true RGOP fashion, was well built and sexy.  The man was married to a woman and apparently in the closet and wanted to fool around with another person.  I never did find out how the two met but I think it is safe to assume it was A4A.  RJ continued to tell me that after the two had quite a night they met the next day to hang out with the married man’s family where RJ met the wife friended  her on Facebook and then looked at RJ photos together where she recognized our friend Lou.  Talk about your six degrease of separation.  All of this was told to me in a “matter of fact” tone.  Oh, you just have to love RJ.

Phil was his typical self and when talk of Pride came up, we found out he would not attend, as he has to study for the MCAT’s.  Typical Phil unable to take a break from studying and his new Love was about to go away to San Francesco to do more research required for his PhD.

Once jay got in the car we were off to the gay-borhood, we chose our typical quiet spot at Q lounge.  We were officially celebrating my birthday and talk turned to the new Real Gays of Philadelphia.

Many people try to mimic TV in their lives and a few even think they should have a TV show but in this new world of reality TV, my group of friends could definitely keep viewers not only entertained but also shocked.

We talked about how all the things affecting our lives.  We talked about our boyfriends and even about our exes.  We even talked about how our search for love helped get us to this point in life.  The picture we took at my engagement party was all over Facebook and when the night was done and we were on our way to the car, we were spotted.  “Aren’t you the Real gays of Philadelphia?” asked a tyranny and Jaiye hit the sky and I was floored and drunk.  We were given ammunition and I fired all the way back to the car.  I was loud and free talking to whoever would listen and asked, “Do you know who I am,” to those who thought I was being strange.

At the parking lot, we found someone that Jaiye knew which is typical; we chatted and decided that they were not at our speed so we went back to Jaiye’s house.  I was drunk, I was down for whatever, and then I was hungry so we went to Wawa a place I hadn’t been to since I was an official Pa resident.  I got a bowl and many other things.  After eating, I passed out.

That morning I got up with Jaiye, he went to work and I went to west Philly.  I saw my aunt and we caught up then I went to see my grandmother and time just flew.  I rushed home and MeTo had a lovely Easter dinner waiting along with an Easter basket.  I was so touched it was such a sweet thing.  The basket showed he knew how I felt about Easter with a touch of his own ideas.

We ate dinner with our roommate and the night was great.

And Then It’s 24

For the first time in my life I did not anticipate my birthday, to be honest I kept forgetting it was around the corner. It was not because I feared getting older, that I welcome, it was just that so much was going on. I was working a new job, I was preparing to go to Miami, we were looking for a new apartment, and I had so much to be happy for in my life there was no longing to have a day where I would be the ceneter and focus of everyone’s attention.

When my birthday hit I was awake at midnight working on Bethéa Indigo and the messages began to flood in. at 12:03 my phone rang and it was Jayie to wish me a happy birthday, he was on a streak of being the first to wish all his friends a happy birthday.

MeTo was more excited about my birthday than I was which makes since, as I am usually more excited about his than he is.  I was tired so I went to bed and when I woke up I was surprised with a bubble bath and then breakfast and roses.  If had did nothing else for me all day I would have still been the happiest man in the world.

Later as we got dressed to go apartment hunting MeTo and our roommate came in with a gift.  I knew what it was once I heard it was from both of them but I managed to look surprised and thrilled.  It was a basket full of dark Ghirardelli chocolate and some kind of coffee. I was happy to have plain coffee.  All the coffee we on hand was flavored and I was sick of it.

Later that night MeTo took me out to SoHo one of the upscale restaurants in  New Brunswick. It was amazing we did our best to observe the rules of Passover. The food was great and the company even better.  We took our time eating then went to Dunkin Donuts for coffee. With it being passive it meant no donuts and after just having meat we could not have milk in out coffee.  One look at the time and we had to make haste.  I had an early morning and it was getting late.

I wanted nothing more than to show MeTo my appreciation the way people in love typically do but I was tired. We cuddled and before I knew it I was having the rid of my life.  A 30min birthday present for the both of us.

Bethea Indigo Here We Go.

So I had taken a break from blogging to deal with life. One of the main things I had planned on dealing with was launching a new VixcB.com, but much to my dismay it was not as easy as I had hoped. I had designed the sight to my liking, but when I went to add the blogging structure, things got hairy.

I had given myself until my birthday to have this finished and while life prevented me from working as diligently as I should have, what I had I was ready to launch. I figured since I had my mind set on the layout and that it was finished with the exception of the back end stuff, I would simply upload and tweak from there, but as the back was the most important I had no choice but to put it on hold.

I then came up with a great idea to get some promo stuff for VixcB.com it was quite exciting picking out magnets and cards with a catchy design and just the right information to make inquiring minds visit my site. In all of this I found another problem. Bethea Indigo had no logo and for that matter nothing had a logo. So I set out to find a logo for everything. Many hours in photo shop and word with all my many fonts and eureka I was on the right path but it took a whole day before I was happy with the first logo.

I decided that word press was my best bet for my blogging setup so I found a few blog layouts that I could easily manipulate and began to work from there.

It is quite fascinating what I have learned and accomplished in the past few week when it comes to blogging. I hope to have it all done soon but in the mean time, Bethéa indigo and all its subsidiaries are looking like they will soon have not only a uniform look but it is going to be fabulous.

So long Hollister, Hello Panera

The following Post is Rated PG13 for adult theme. Reader discretion advised.

It was towards the middle of March I had had it with Hollister.  I went to work and they gave me a list and told me to get it done.  It was all cleaning task.  I looked at the list and could not recall them telling me cleaning was in my job description.  I hated the job and the training process.  If it had not been for me having an interview down stairs I would have quit on the spot.

Right after my interview with Hollister, I had one with Express and Panera offered me a job followed by Hollister.  I really wanted the job at Panera; I wanted the discount from Hollister.

Hollister’s discount became useless as I did not like their clothes and with the discount, clothing was still expensive, and they did everything in their power to force me to buy their clothes due to their dress code.  I had planned to quit the day after the cleaning incident but I was way too sick to call out.  I figured for 7.25 they would get the gist after I didn’t show up after two days. I ended up being sick for 5 days and they were still calling me to see if I was coming back.

Panera offered me more money right off the back and it was a happy place to work not to mention the discounts and free food. So I told Panera I was totally free and before I knew it I was working decent hours and loving it not for the pay but to be working in a happy place.

Here comes the dry spell

After I started getting better MeTo got sick I woke up to the sound of him throwing up in the bathroom. I was worried but knew to keep calm and wait till he got back to bed. It was not a long wait and I could tell he was not doing well. I asked what was wrong and to be honest it was graphic to the point that without details I will say he was really sick.

When I was sick I was taking alkalselter  and Tylenol, I gave him pepto and Imodium. It looked as if he had a touch of the flu and not what I had. Three days later he was good to go almost and I was almost at 100% myself but my sex drive was just gone. To be quite honest I had been with him in our apartment for over a week. Yeah we got out a few times but we were with each other for almost the entire time.

I was not in the mode to get even closer to him. It was not long before this became a problem. It got to the point that we had a little spat and it was not until I forced myself to have a little distance and got pumped up that we had sex and even then it was not that great. The next morning we had it out which relived the tension.

We began counting and our average was 1 to 2 times a week, our normal goal is three or four. On top of us not “coloring” I was also on a strange sleep cycle. Many nights I just could not sleep. I would go to bed toss and turn get up then return to bed around 4 or 5 leaving me to tired to get it on.

I had decided to talk to my friends about this and I came to the conclusion that my body was trying to reset itself. I mean I had a birthday around the corner and my life was somewhat hectic. MeTo just settled for the once a week and began trying to get things together. But once my sleep schedule got on track the “coloring” did as well.

The Party on March 6th

Well, things have been so hectic that I have not blogged for well over a month now.  Yeah there were posts containing a video here and there but not the typical stuff, you my loyal readers come to read.  So what has been happening with me?  I am unsure where to start so I will do my best.

Therefore, the last real post I mentioned that my mother and I were not talking, well not much has changed on that front.  I am still unsure how to talk to here and I sure as hell do not need to hear that, if I do not change I am doomed for hell. 

MeTo and I had a blast planning the party and the excitement by everyone built up so quickly that I knew I had to show off.  I focused more on the menu and decorations than I did my outfit.  It is good that I have a decent wardrobe with things that I can choose from at the last minute and still look my best.

There was lots of shopping and plenty of people asked what to bring, my in-laws tried their hardest to keep the stress levels down.  They took us shopping and got most of the cheese and chicken wings.  With my mind preoccupied on the party I failed to realize how big a misstate I made taking a job at Hollister.

I will admit I gave it some thought and while the discount sounded great and I loved the fact I was getting out of the house the job was not up to par for Vixc-B.  A word of advice, if you take a job at a place that plays loud music, dim lighting and has issues such as excessive stealing, it is not a place you want to work.

The Hollister I worked at lost 230 items a week and, tried everything but lowering the music and using brighter lights.  It was hard to see and hear and it made working there and shopping there more work than necessary.

Before I knew it, it was the day of the party and the text were flying in, this was a big deal and I was extremely excited that ALL the “Real Gays of Philadelphia” were attending.  I was working on cupcakes, turkey balls and bread among many other things.  I had mentioned to MeTo that we should try the carpet powder I saw on TV.  We were so happy to see that it really helped to get the carpet clean.

It was not long before I lost track of time, it was party time, and the decorations still were not up so I began to delegate task and as guest arrived, I disappeared to shower and get dressed.  When I was done, it was good timing as the guest really started pouring in.

My friend john was the first one there so I put him in charge of putting up the last of the decorations.  At the end of my shower, everything was perfect and John had presents for me.  A silk tie with matching cufflinks and pocket square, a set of chopsticks and a bottle of wine, he also brought homemade baklava, it pays to have Greek friends, especially ones who just got back from vacation. 

As the guests arrived, so did the alcohol, I was shocked to see that some people brought two bottles.  My martini party had become just a party.  When my BFFs arrived, it was really a party.  Jay brought a huge bag full of liquor and started to make drinks.  It was such a happy night, a crowded, love filled, excited night.  Everyone got along and all was merry.

MeTo and I even got presents, cards, and gift cards, translation Time to go shopping. One of the best things about having a gay party is the clean up.  Someone always ensures there is nothing to clean by the end of the party.

As the party went on, we noticed that someone was MIA.  Louis had drunk far too much and pissed the RGOP off.  We did not let it ruin the night we took a picture that is sure to be famous and could not help but talk about relationships, sex, and of course, how MeTo proposed.  It was a night to remember and Jay and I were so happy to attend a party for grownups.

Comming Soon . . .

Out I have been working on catching up with the blogging, over the next couple of days.  Be prepared to see post talking about things from March 6 and bring you up to date with me, Vixc-B and introducing “The Real Gays of Philadelphia.

As you will soon see life has been quite hectic with parties, birthdays, moving, fights, make-ups and cheaters.  My live is entertaining and I hope you are prepared to read.

I love Butters, No Homo.

THIS ROCKS!!!

So Honest !!! LOLz

What do you think?

Like Really. LOLz

All Backd Up, A Big One

I know you, my readers have been wondering where the hell I have been and what I have been up to.  I know that it is not like me to just stop blogging without some kind of heads up.  I know that the juicy details of my life are quite entertaining and that some of my posts have even been inspirational.  Well I have to tell yah that you have not seen anything yet.

The life of Vixc B has been anything but boring these past few weeks. I have had two jobs, a party, and a fight with MeTo.  There were several cab rides and met many new people.  Just when I thought, I got a grip on my life and was settling down to enjoy a little autopilot.  Trips were planned and I was reminded that in less than a week I am turning 24.  Heard to believe that my 24th birthday is right in the middle of so much happening in my life that I am not planning anything big, but when you hear about all that I have been up to and all that is, coming you won’t blame me.  I just hope I have time to keep my loyal reader abreast.

Life Now

So it would seem the closer that I get to the engagement party the worse things are getting between my mother and I. most recently I received a voice mail calling me a jerk for putting my sister in the middle of what she would deem a feud.

After listening to the voice mail I called my sister to see if she was behaving any differently because I was not talking to our mother. She told me that things were as they should be and nothing had changed. I then explained the voice mail and my sister told me if anyone was putting her in the middle it was my mother.

The next morning I get a text from my sister saying that my mother was up at my sister’s school. After a few texts back and forth my sister told me that my mother did not want her to come and visit me at all. I was quick to explain to my sister that I loved her and to call me when she got a chance.

For the past week it has been nothing but my mother. I was struggling with how to handle the situation. My in-laws gave me great input and just as I am digesting and tying to come to some solution, this happens.

After talking to Jay who has been dealing with a similar situation he gave me some good advice. No I just have to get the courage to do it.

Mother

For an odd reason I was not feeling to productive.  I sat every day at my computer to write and it was like trying to squeeze that last bit of toothpaste from the tube. I got some things down but nothing met my new standards.  I wrote the book review and even tried to write an inspirational blog entry.  The result was nothing new.

So I thought that I would try to figure out why this new lack of inspiration. To be quite honest I could attribute a lot of this to my mother.  She is without a doubt reason to blame for many of the things that went wrong in my life.  I would not be so inclined to pass the blame on here if it were not for the fact that I asked her for help in certain areas that I needed and while she refused to help me, she forced her help on my sister.

Two weekends ago, I was talking with MeTo, we were listening to Beethoven and I mentioned that I could have been a violin prodigy.  When I was in 6th grade, my aunt lent me her violin and I taught myself all the basics and could play a few child songs.  At the point when I could not teach myself anything else, I went to my music teacher who was quite impressed.  He then told me I knew all he could teach me, he gave me a tape and I went over it a few times but as it was mostly what I had already learned, which he told me was the case I was still where I started.  I finally broke down and explained my situation to Mother, she was not very sympathetic and told me to go to the church, when I came back and told her how much they charged for a lesson that was the end of that.

I had always wanted to play the saxophone, alto.  When it comes to instruments there are few that impress me, saxophone, guitar, if played a certain way, and the violin. I desperately wanted to play the sax but as you need, an instrument to learn on that was a no go and my aunt lent me her violin.  I was not too broken about no learning the violin; after all, it was not the instrument I wanted to play.

In high school, I was friends with many kids who were in the band; to be honest this was the first time in my life I was able to socialize with people who were not ghetto.  I learned not only that there was a band and a club but also music classes and private lessons.  I felt renewed except there was one issue; I had to buy a sax.  I was in school and my mother hated the idea of me working.  Therefore, for Christmas I begged, pleaded, and swore all I wanted was an alto sax.  She sent me to the net and I found on, a silver alto sax that they were selling on eBay and I sent her the link.

 

I was excited but the closer we got to Christmas the more she implied that my dream was not going to happen.  Before I knew it, she told me it was just not going to happen and I needed to make a proper Christmas list.  It hurt but it hurt more when my sister asked for a guitar almost two years later after never showing any interest in music and got one.  There are few things that cripple me and that was one.  I do not blame my sister but my parents definitely never saw how that electric guitar set ruined high school. 

After awhile I just figured, my parents did not care so I did whatever I could to take my mind off my home life.  To this day if you ask anyone from SJP class of 2005, they will tell you I was known as angry black man.  I did my best to keep why I felt the way I did a secret, it was not the violin or sax but because my home life was just one sax and violin incident after the other. My stepfather did not like me and mother did little to correct the situation.

Later in the week, I was talking to my sister and my homophobic Mother came up in conversation.  I guess my sister figured she would make this call about bad news. She had gotten a nose piercing in addition to her tong ring and navel ring and her third and final tattoos, so she told me.  I hate tattoos, on other people its fine but on my sister, they just look cheap and tacky.

The conversation continued and she told that my mother knew I was getting married. My Mother and she had argued previously but my sister finally told me it started over my engagement.

After I assured my sister of my undying love for her, we proceeded to talk about other things that make us happy.  Mostly what campus life was like?   

After getting off the phone, I went and decided to clean the bookcase.  I found many of my college notebooks and three journals.  One may find it hard to believe but I was never good with keeping a journal. Each journal only had about two or three entries.  One journal only had one entry and that is because my mother bought it for me around the time we stopped talking for an extended period.  The first page was instructions for me to keep track of all my prayers so I could see how G-d was working in my life.  She gave me the journal in addition to a book by T.D. Jakes; I believe it is called, so you think you are a Man?  I started reading the book and the one prayer I had was not to be gay any more.

The other journal, which was my first journal, had entries about how I wished to be a better person and that my father was not sick any more. I talked in a few entries how much I hated life and my family.

The last journal has some folded pages, which turned out to be confessions about my sexuality and some things that I admitted to on here in “No More.” I was also stunned to see how badly my self-esteem was back then. It became apparent to me that I was really good at hiding my emotions when I was younger. It was something I did out of necessity.  My mother and father tended to punish me If I disagreed with their methods even if I was simply explaining how I was feeling.

With this trip down memory lane It gave me lots to think about. At present I have shut off all communication to my mother. She refuses to except me for who I am despite the suffering I did to figure out if this life was for me. if I want to communicate with my mother I cannot talk about anything or one in my life who approves of anything gay. This is hard to do when you are marring a man who everyone but your mother likes.

This week I talked to my future father-in-law who went through a similar situation when he and his wife decided to marry outside their religions. There were two outcomes, one for either side and while I hope for my mother to come around I have a feeling that she rather never see me again then to accept the fact I am married to a man who makes me happy in ways the she could only wish my step father would do for her. 

Swish

book,review,swish,gay,reading

As you, all know I chose the book Swish, by Joel Derfner, to read for the month of January.  I chose the book because of the title and from what I read of the synopses.  I figured what a great way to start this new segment of my blog.  A book about how a fellow gay man tried to become the gayest person ever.

I began reading the book and right away, there was humor, there was a moment I had to put the book down because I was laughing so hard.  The rest of the book, when considering the synopsis, was a disappointment. It was hard to find much of what Derfner tried to put off as humor funny.  The book is about and insecure homosexual male who is trying to find ways to deal with his, insecurities and mental afflictions.

The synopsis implies that Derfner wanted to be the gayest gay ever.  To most of the world, the gay community included, we take this to mean that he tried to be a shining example of a gay stereotype.  Promiscuous sex, clubbing, catty attitude, flashy attire, feminine tendencies.  If this is not what he meant by becoming the gayest person ever then he failed to explain what he thought becoming the gayest person ever meant to him.

While the book failed to deliver on it promises of humor and implied venture, it was still an awesome read.  Joel suffers from a few mental aliments, which all seem to take turns controlling aspects of his life.  The way in which he goes about dealing with them is typical of gay males.  He uses sex at one point to deal with life and when he finds that things have gotten out of hand, he moves onto the next venture.

Joel never dose the total gay thing, we later find out that he is not a fan of gay bars or clubs, which I feel helped to make him an even better gay by the end of the book. While he thinks himself to be better than most and is constantly raising standards for finding true love we see that he comes to the realization that you cannot really predict or decide who you will fall in love with.

The books layout is setup in such a way that he uses one point of his life to explain a few others, but as the book is about someone’s life, at times it seems like your reading a poorly laid out sex and the city episode.  Each chapter can stand on its own almost independently but as a whole, you are forced to remember the last in order to have a good grip of his chronology.

Towards the end of the book it becomes painfully evident that the book is in fact about the author, we see that this huge chunk of the book was written about his life while trying to write the book.  I find that these chapters are amazingly well written and extremely easy to read.  It is in these chapters that almost any gay can easily relate.

The book closes by touching, in great detail, on a delicate subject in the gay community, ex-gays.  It is in this chapter that we truly see who Derfner is.  I feel that if I were to give any more detail about this chapter it would be pointless to read.

In short I am pleased that I bought this book and feel it is worth reading for all gays and their friends. Thanks to the style and setup of this book, it is a quick read. All of Derfner’s points and commentaries will stay with you long after you put it on the shelf to start collecting dust or pass on to a friend..

Love the Muppets

I think Kermit has a cold.

Joel Derfner Ladies and Gents

Synopsis

A hilarious and deeply moving account of one man’s journey from stereotype to truth.

Joel Derfner is a knitter, an aerobics instructor, a cheerleader, a go-go dancer, and a musical theater composer, but when he realizes one day that he’s a walking gay cliché he embarks on a quest for deeper meaning. A very, very funny quest for deeper meaning. And whether he’s confronting the demons of his past at a GLBT summer camp, using the Internet to “meet” men–many, many men–or going undercover to a conference of ex-gays, he discovers that what he’s looking for–and sometimes even finds, hidden underneath the surface of everyday life–is his own identity. In the tradition of David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, yet with its own particular flair, Swish is a story told with not just wit but humor; not just candor but honesty; and not just compassion but humanity.

(By, www.BN.com) 

Coming Soon.

Just want everyone to know that I have finished reading Swish.  I feel as though it was a good book and you can expect a full report by the end of the week.  The past few days have been quite interesting and there will be good reads all week. 

A Productive Saturday

As it would turn out last Saturday was quite productive.  My day started with MeTo waking me early so we could go to Torah study at temple. The night before, at Shul, the rabbi encouraged us once again to come on Saturday morning.  This time we had no excuse to get out of it.  I admittedly wanted to go but it was at 9:30 in the morning.  Now we all know that 9:30 is not very early on a normal day, but on a Saturday, my traditional day of rest, it was ungodly.  Much to my surprise however when MeTo woke me I was ready to go.  I donned some clothes and we were on our way fashionably late. I did not feel too bad as I was told many people show up late.

We got there and it did not take long before there were introductions and I was of course the only black person.  On top of it I did not have time to do my hair so I threw on a headband, which made me look gay, for 9:30 on a Saturday morning nevertheless I did not care what anyone thought, I was there.

Soon the rabbi asked me to read and I shocked myself at how well I did, no mistakes and it was clear there was not a hint of nervousness in my voice.  After I was done, we picked up with the discussions which felt great, it was simply a group of people disusing the whys and why not-s of the bible. The rabbi was there, gave good feedback, and not once made anyone feel small about an extremely interesting or odd interpretation.  It was also great not to hear Satan given as an excuse for everything that went wrong.

One of the most refreshing things about the Jewish faith is the fact that Satan is not really, present.  Discussions are about how G-d acts in our lives and how we allow or refuse his assistance.  The burden to be good is placed completely on the individual and you never hear a Jew say, “The devil made me do it,” or “The devil came and tempted me.”  

There was a bagel promise as “incentive” for people to come; our friend told us that after torah study there are bagels and coffee.  So afterwards, we went to the media room where all the Saturday classes met to have bagels and socialize.  We met a few people had some good discussions and then was on our way.

 

After several attempts to stop, the error messages from showing on my laptop, which was running Vista, I finally decided that it was time to upgrade to Windows 7.  I was not happy with windows and to be honest I really wanted something else.  However, all the programs I have are windows based and I am not sure if I could find good enough equivalents to run on Linux.  Therefore, I backed up my favorite files and began what I was shocked into believing was a simple upgrade and not install 7 as a new OS like MeTo and our roommate had to do.

Little had I known that the update would take all day!  Once it started, I sat by my desk and read my book, Swish.  I was quite impressed with myself.  I really thought I would not make my deadline but by the end of the day, I finished all but one chapter, which I should finish today.

I decided that the perfect thing to fix that tart apple pie, I made earlier that week, would be some Carmel sauce, which was so amazing I am going to include it in my cookbook.  I also got my desk reorganized and did my best to force myself to remain productive, success.

My book for February came in the mail as well my Amish pie cookbook.  I then did some dishes and wrote out the grocery list.  Once the update was finished around 10:30 at night I began moving and deleting files things.  I installed the last program that I was working on and much to my delight there were only a few kinks that needed to be worked out.  I set my computer to defrag and shut down when done and I went to bed at two in the morning.

For the month of February, this is what you can expect on top of your typical Vixc B reading.  I have decided to add to the monthly book review a biweekly Gay movie review, no pun intended, so I will watch at least two gay movies a month and report back to you weather it is worth watching and why or why not.  Each week you can also expect a recipe that I have created myself.  I think this will make all the other reading more interesting in conjuncture as you will get to hear about my struggles and frustrations throughout the week to perfect a recipe and then benefit from the fruits of my labor at the end of the week.

Therefore, until next time this is Vixc B reminding you, being gay is not so simple.

Work, Life, and Mess

You ever notice how when you are at work and things get hectic, that you seem to just let your surroundings reflect it.  Then the moment comes when you just cannot take it and using your break time you clean and organize everything in your entire office, cubical, or desk so that you not only know where everything is but it looks great.  Then after all is said and done you sit and realize you not only have a good amount of work but also a good amount of time to get it done, but all you do is sit and admire your work space and nothing gets accomplished.

I can only imagine why this happens to some of us.  It could be some subconscious fear that we have learned.  We equate working hard with working in mess, and so when things are clean and neat we are reluctant to resume where we left off.

Sometimes this happens in relationships.  We take a break from the whole dating scene and get our lives and friendships together and then before we know it we are happy with life and we find ourselves being pulled back into the messy world of dating.

We resume looking on our old dating sites and checking out the people at the clubs and bars, and we even began talking to our casual sex partners but in it all we refuse to start actually going out on dates sleeping with people or talking to the hottie at the end of the bar.  It would all make since if it were not for one thing, we feel as though something or someone is missing from our life.  We want to go to bed cuddled up with someone who is happy to be there, and some nights we get so horny that we just want some hot person to screw our brains out.

We think we are proceeding with caution when in fact we simply are not moving. We tell our selves we have our friends and that is enough until we decide to sleep with that old fuckbuddy.  Now we have our friends and sex without the whole mess of a relationship.  We remain unfulfilled and before we know it, we are looking for Mr. Right and our lives are once again a mess like it was when we last stopped and took out some time to clean our desk.

The definition of insanity is, repeating the same steps and hoping for different results. A productive worker learns from his mistakes and searches for more efficient ways to perform tasks, which makes it easier to swing right into the next one with ease and little mess.  True sometimes taking the time out while in the swing of things to make sure that everything is in the right place seems like it is making life move slow, but think about it, if your breaks are spent cleaning?  What is the more efficient worker’s breaks spent doing?

Recently I got a new printer and to celebrate I cleaned my desk and organized things.  I sat and thought of several things I could and should be doing but I sat and did nothing.  My drive to be productive was precluded and so I sat then started browsing the web.

I got to thinking about how this is the pattern my life has faced. Things get crazy, I spend time fixing things and then I just sit, stare, and do nothing, and subconsciously I fear that the mess will come back just as fast as I start living.

I have learned however that if I do not like the mess my life produces to examine what parts produce the mess and then change how I live in order to be happy with the results and spend less time fixing stuff I should not have to fix.

Another part of this whole mess thing I realized is that we learn how to deal with many things when we are children, a time when we have extremely limited resources.  As adults, we have more resources like desk organizers and in matter of life therapist.

No matter what you may be facing in life may it be repeat ex boyfriend,  casual sex, or work issues like a messy desk, sit back and think how you handled it before and force yourself to try something new. I guarantee you will feel a little less like life is trying to make you crazy.

Peeing With the Door Open

I have been living with people for so long that I have forgotten one of the small joys that one gets from living alone, peeing with the bathroom door open. I do not know what inspired me recently but I went to the bathroom and left the door open. I found it odd and halfway through relieving myself I felt a small bit of familiar joy. I was taken back to when I lived alone and I could do whatever wanted such as use the bathroom with the door wide open, knowing no one would see and say something,

To be completely honest this was something that first indulged in when living with my mother. When I knew I had the house to myself for a while, I would use the bathroom with the door wide open. It was to signify that I was home alone and had a small bit of freedom.  Now I must admit I would never go number two with the door open, smells and what not.

 

While reading my book I realized that my blog has not focused on grammar all too much.  The author of Swish uses many words that are not used in ever day vernacular,  some of which I have had the urge to go and look up. So I think from now on I am going to get better acquainted with an old friend of mine, Mr. Thesaurus. I loved him back during my school days, so I think his advice may be what I need to spruce up “The Indigo Life.”

 

Lastly I attempted an apple pie the other day.  Needles to say I consulted several recipes as to create my own.  I do not think many people understand the different sizes of apples.  Most recipes called for 6 to seven apples.  I had about five medium to large apples and was only making a nine-inch pie, like every recipe said it was for. I had excessively much filling and my crust fell apart so I placed it on in pieces, which made it look like a giant brain, I called it Abby Normal.  I placed the pie in the oven following the instructions of one of the recipes and my pie was first under done then over done and the crust was great but my filling had turned to mush. When we cut into it the taste was too tart and I think it needed more cinnamon.

I was pissed from middle to end. But I know what needs to be done the next time. To prepare for my next pie I ordered an Amish pie cookbook, of all people I figure they should have a good recipe for a newcomer to the pie world.

So, Its a Big Deal.

Last Friday MeTo and I went to Philadelphia to celebrate our one-year anniversary.  We had a lovely evening planned.  We would go to the Franklin institute have dinner at the Brazilian steak house and then wonder around the city until it was time to part ways.
I had to stay behind because my sister was leaving for college on Sunday and I promised her I would drive with her up there. MeTo had to meet his mother back at our place, the two of them were then going to go upstate to help dad close the house for the rest of winter.
The day did not start as planned we got to the city a little latter then we should have, mostly my fault, and that left us with only two hours to spend in the museum before it closed.  We made the most of it and it turned out two hours was more than enough.
After the museum, we went to a restaurant called Chime, a Brazilian steak house.  MeTo thought he was going to pay for the entire day, but as I felt that was improper and unfair I took care of the museum and allowed him to pay for dinner in short we paid for the parts of the night we picked.
We ended up being a half hour early for the restaurant and took some time to simply take in the city.  We walked past the Comcast tower and went to a 7 eleven to grab me a candy bar.  When the time came, we were excited to eat and I had a blast with the exception of one minor detail.  My head began to hurt and before I knew I had a migraine all before, I realized I had aspirin in my bag.
After dinner, the night was young and we decided to go to a quiet spot.  Q lounge, which was formally bump, was the first thing to pop in my mind.  I knew at that time of day it would be perfect to just sit, talk, and have a good time without all the rowdiness that could be the gayborhood.
I offered to buy him a drink and he passed by saying, “Not right now.”  I was unsure what he was waiting for but we sat and talked for a brief while and before I knew it I was being thanked for all the help I gave during his proposal but he informed me that his PhD proposal defense was not the one he was worried about. After trying to pull what he was talking about out of him, he pulled a red box out of his pocket.  One final question from he and me then asked, “Will you marry me.”
I was stunned and gave it a quick thought and said, “Yes.” I was completely taken off guard and felt like I needed time to think and digest what happened alone.  It was not long before the waiter figured what happened and informed us that he had just taken his ring off a few months ago. I was shocked at the ring not what I expected and yet I was wearing it. My stomach was in knots and my head was throbbing while the aspirin did nothing.  I so wanted to just run to my mom’s and talk to my sister but I did all that a new fiancé is supposed to do.  I showed the ring to all those who asked to see it and had our picture taken in the bar.  He was relieved that I said yes and I was simply in shock.
When the night finally ended, we both went to Market East train station and waited for our separate trains.  He had to meek his mom to go upstate and I had to go with my parents to take my sister to college.
I got home and I told my sister what happened she was in awe, I still was in shock.  We talked about her life and a few things in my life and my head and stomach was just getting worse.  She joked and told me to take the ring off; I was having a Carrie moment. I drank some water and went to sleep.
The first thing I did when I woke was put the ring on and got started with my day.  My sister and I then went to KOP Mall in hopes that shopping would clear my head. I called jay and told him what happened who then patched Tia in and they were thrilled, I still in shock told them how it happened and then we talked about my shock.  A whole day of shopping with my sister and a new outfit and still was not where I should have been.  MeTo called me, I received congratulations from my future in-laws, and we chatted about how our days went.
I made plans to tell my other friends when we went out that night.  On the way I called my cousin Tiffany, she was excited, and I was no longer in shock.  I became more excited at the idea of getting married.  The whole day was filled with ideas of being the first to get married went through my head and tell my mother and planning a wedding and finally my head stopped and my heart took over.
I made a stop at my grandmother’s and told her and my aunt and while my aunt was excited, my grandmother tried to hide her disappointment.  I then met my friends, Dan and Lou were on time and I could not wait to tell them they were excited like everyone else and I told them how I was in shock for a good while and then I just now fell in love with my ring.
Phil showed and he was excited as well and I showed my ring to everyone that asked.  Two hours later Jay joined us at Q and I regaled my friends with the story one last time and we drank almost 40 dollars and were merry, it was a night to remember.
The next day I called MeTo and told him about the night and he was happy for me.  I have no idea why I went through what I went through but I am happy to say I am talking plans for the day when I marry the Sexiest, sweeties, loving man in the entire world.  I got my fairytale.