22 November 2008

Intensive Care?

You all ways hear in life you never know how much you need something, or love something, or simply want something until it is gone or you are awaken by some event when you have to imagine life with out something or some one. This can be a car accident, cancer, a recent encounter with death or simply just be taken away by someone.

Most recently I have had to think about this everyday. As I have said before I moved to New York. And although the transition has seamed easy it has been one of the hardest of my life. The person that I have considered my best friend to the point of family is showing me a side that I simply cannot stomach, self centered, narcissistic, bratty behavior of an only or extremely younger child. She in fact has such a gap between her and her older brother that while still in grad school she practically became an only child.

I however refuse to allow this to be a handicap or an excuse. It makes no since to me how someone can be so judgmental, self absorbed and stubborn, to the point that the closes of the close friends don’t last. I will admit in the beginning we used each other I had a car and needed a friend that would be at my beck and call so to speak. And she needed some one to hang out with. However what started out as a summer of tit for tat turned into what I thought would be an everlasting friendship.

In the beginning we fought over who was good enough to hang out with us. We felt so secure with each other that we gave up our other two friends and became a duo. We fought like brothers and sister, had the inside jokes and called each other’s mom, mom. Then I lost the car and got an apartment. The tit for tat continued unintentionally. She would crash at my place when she came home from school and didn’t want to be trapped in the house with her parents. And she would clean but I would cook. Then my fortune flipped again and I had a car and just sort of bounced until I ended up in Chester.

I would say it was the acquisition of the new car that threw things off balance. I drove us everywhere and never really asked for gas. I would pick her up from the buss stop and drop her off. She would get pissed when I was late or didn’t drop her off at all. We had had one big fight when she had sex in my apartment while my little sister was sleeping in the same room, and from the way she reacted to my anger I should have known then that although she is mature for her age, she was quite the spoiled brat. It was I who was the bigger person and made up. She was the one who violated my home and had sex in it when I asked her not to and made the conditions uncomfortable to normal people.

Now I tend to bit my tong a lot with all my friends, I tend to attract people with issues that cause them to see them selves superior to most people. Funny how it is no real contest when it comes to looks and personality from what I have been told, but they are the ones that must always be in the spot light.

At the moment my best friend and I are living together. I will admit taking someone into your home is a big deal. But this is something that was discussed in detail, the good, the bad, and the dirty. I try to manage my little 10 X 4 foot area. I think we could have rearranged the place to fit things in better and make the place more live able but she insist on having things her way. So I let it be. But she complains about how I pile my clothes on my futon. I have no place to put them. She complains about me taking my time to do the dishes. I cook for the two of us one would think she offer to do the dishes. I am not staying her for free I do pay rent. We fought over light bulbs because she was mad he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. We when food shopping and I made it clear days before how much money I had. I even made a point to keep a running total of how much we put in the cart and just kept adding. We get to the register and she looks at me when the total was $101. I paid my $43 in cash and told he that all I have like I said. She in a huff and pissed had no choice but to pay for the rest with debit. Mind you I got dressed to take her to get a pony tail and I still drive us both around when we go out and never ask for gas.

I asked her for $15 in gas money to help pay so we could both get to Philly, after paying she ask “When am I going to see it again?” I paid all the tolls and was paying for the gas to get back, in short the trip cost me about $30.

Then I read her blog and she is talking about how much she hates living with me. I know two people living in a studio basement is cramped but I try hard to make the best of it. While she mumbles under breath, ask truly stupid questions, maintains a sarcastic attitude towards the world 80% of the time and talks incessantly about herself, how she spends her days and her views on people, “Why can’t the world be like me? Women are all the same that’s why I can’t be friends with one. So and so treats me bad because everyone treats him bad, He will never amount to anything, she is so depressed, why am I friends with him, her, you are a smart ass, dumb ass, I hate you, he is ugly, I don’t like this dish you made.” This is 90% of what she talks about which over laps with the other 10% making her like every other woman, ex boy friends.

There was a time when I played along yet she fails to notice that I never take her side initially. I can’t help but cheer for her opponent that something will clique in her closed fist of a brain and see, that stereotypes are false and unreliable and that her opinion is not the only one that matters.

What brought me to write this today was what happened when I got home? There is no key for the top lock it locks from the inside with a knob. She is well aware that I get home by 8:30 am yet the top lock was locked. So I had to bang on the door one to wake her and two to get her to realize that I needed to get in. For the second time I came home to place that reeked of sex a man that I barley know and my friend naked. This time it was different however. The temperature was 2 degrees above hell. Her crappy land lord has yet to turn the heat on and to get around the cold and having to deal with the bitch. My friend turns the oven on and opens it until the place warms up. I could tell that her and her friend we quite hot while sleeping because both were sweaty and both barely used the covers to cover up.

I went to the kitchen to turn off the oven which was wide open and clearly had been on all night while the two did what ever then slept. It was so hot I had to run and move quickly. Everything in the kitchen was hot to the touch. And then I saw it. Every day I check my plants to see how they are doing. I barley have a green thumb, so I have cacti. An Aloe Vera, a spiky yet non prickly cactus and then a snake plant which is not a cactus but it quite easy to take care of. All had been baked my aloe gained big brown spots. All the tips on the other plant shriveled up and my snake plat which normally has thick strong hard leaves were hanging down. I knew I got a little joy from my plants and I liked the fact that theses plants were only a month younger than my car. I had did it but a stupid act but someone who rarely thinks about her actions may cost me the one simple pleasure that I have had for almost two years. They are in intensive care. I never imagined my life with out theses plants I have another one at my moms that planned on getting when I go down for thanks giving. I was shocked at how hurt was at the prospect of maybe loosing my plants. I came quit close to crying, but anger stopped me.

When I think about what dose she and I have in common aside from grade school? I am the funny one. I am the cook. I am the one with the car. How has having her enriched my life over the most recent years together? Her chance to make it all even and I come home to place when she has flat out said she wish I wasn’t only to find that I could have all been burnt down. My plants took a huge blow and so is our friendship. I have a hue feeling that if I walk away she will pretend not to care and rationalize it to the point that it was my entire fault.

If my plants do die I have a feeling our relationship will to. How to you explain to someone that there couplet disregard for feeling is going to cost them their longest friendship. I know some people grow apart and like branches on tree people brake off from your life, either due to a bad storm or under the stress of something else. I cannot afford to remain friends with people who are not helping me in life because they want to. I stayed friends with her only to have my immediate needs met and now that I am big enough to satisfy my self and look for healthy relationships this one is draining me. Real friends let you be who you are never judging you just advising and supporting you. A real friend never tries to make you into something your not. Your best friend should be the one behind you when the world is agents you telling you to be strong but reminds you when you fucked up and will tell you how bad you did.

I had that once but now she’s different.

18 November 2008

Sex in the City

The next day Jazz and I spent the entire time rearranging setting up and adding my stuff to hers. When the work was done we were happy with the result. Jazz’s apartment is abasement studio. The ceiling has a clearance of 6’4 I am 6’2. The bath room is small with no tub just a shower stall ad the kitchen is a joke. Just looking around one could come up with a dozen ways to improve the place by using different light fixtures, moving the water closet and even the carpet that was used.

I am proud of Jazz she found an apartment near her school that is affordable and not a hole in the ground but her landlord clearly did not plan the layout effectively. The lad lord has also gone the entire summer with out cutting the grass ad when work is needed to be done pulling teeth is a under statement. In short Jazz is ready to move.

The Sunday after moving in, after arranging everything, we needed to do laundry. The hut for a Laundromat in Jamaica was a joke it was only 8 o’clock and all but one was closed. The one was crowded but we managed. I had Monday morning to my self after dropping Jazz off at school. I spent the time on a4a. MySpace. My yearbook and aim. When jazz got home I wet to the market and picked up the makings for spaghetti. I dint know I should have also bought knives, pots ad a can opener. We jokingly argued why she should have had these things and I tolled her to get out the kitchen.
It ended up being a tomato stir-fry over pasta; I had no way to open the can of tomato sauce.

We then went to rite aid to get the last parts of my costume and gas ex for her, along with junk food.

Tuesday was my interview and another rainy day. It literally rained every other day since I been in NYC. I had to call to alert them I was running late because the highway I had to take from Queens to Brooklyn was flooded on one half. Then I had the wrong address. I made it and I was cold and damp. The whole thing was just going wrong I even forgot a pen. However I was hired on the spot and was to start the next day.

Three days I the big apple and I had two of the five things I needed to get, a place to live and a job. Now all I needed was a boyfriend, a New York ID and a cheep fun place to hang out. I was up and coming.

O my way home from the interview I noticed a shopping center with a target. So I went in for a can opener I also picked up some spoons and the second season of Dexter, something to keep me home and from spending money.

By the end of week one I was back to my old hobbits I had been stood up once and then found myself in a pool in the Bronx. Although it was a new setting with new things to do, they were all a variation of something else I have done already.

His Name was Ray and a busy student among other things he liked to sped his free time around his apartment building. He managed it so he had 24hr access to all the Simi cool places like the pool which was your typical above ground pool that they set up in the basement ad he had filled with hot water. Several beers later I was disappointed I was o where ear drunk. I could feel his boner so I took control of the conversation. I brought up the topic of skinny dipping which he had brought up earlier while o the phone.

Dating was out of the question, he was 30 years old and still in the closet. Log story short anyone who knows him knows. But I wanted to fool around so off came the boxers and there we were I a candle lit basement naked I a warm pool. The conversation switched to how it the basement was haunted but he held me close the whole time. He the started talking about poppers and I opened my self up to making out. He took to my lips like a fish to bate. He was good. He then suggested going to get the poppers. He did ad I tried it. Before it hit we started making out and grinding. I could not contain my self it was so euphoric and wore off just as I came.

I was covered I both his ad mine it was just sticking to me I tried to wash it off but it became like underwater glue. That gummy stuff that they use to keep packages I place.

A little more conversation and I realized it was about 5. We both were tired so we called it a night. I was shocked the man came and he still wanted to make out with me. So a kiss good night and I was back in my car crossing the Whitestone Bridge.

I had received several invitations from a man named Kevin that wanted me to come over ad smoke pot. His pics were cute so we exchanged numbers and Friday came and I was at his place. He was about 50 pounds bigger than his picks and had to be almost 40 and not 34 like he said. He had a dog who loved me I hate dogs. The dog who Kev said was fixed jumped up ad started humping my leg. I was almost intoxicated from the rum and OJ. I then took a look through his DVD’s ad they were all fag movies (another blog). I sat on the bed and we began smoking he started kissing my neck ad I went to look at the movies again.

He followed me ad I kissed him o the lips to shoe him away ad it worked. I was I the mod to fool around but I needed to get high ad drunk if it was going to be him. Before I had a chance to feel the pot he was all over me. He was a good kisser so I let him continue and before I knew it he was naked while I was only half there. My question to dog owners is, do you all fuck with your dog in the room?

He rimmed me he sucked me and the he humped me. I came and was loud but not like I used to be. I forget how he got off put I cleaned up and put most of my clothes back on. He then whispered in my ear ever so gently I have to go to work tomorrow. He gets off at 10 it was midnight, REALLTY? I had decided to finish watching sex ad the city but he was coaxing me to get dressed. So the fat old ma lost all cool points.

The next day I stayed home being lazy jazz wet out then came home only to go out again she asked if I wanted to go but I said no. after she left I better thought of it and decided I would go out. I found a sexy out fit put on sex ad the city the showered dressed put on makeup and the jazz walked in the door. We decided to go to a lounge so I could get a drink I wanted to check out the gayborhood aka the village. The one lounge I knew of I could not fid so we walked around looking for a different gay bar that we both could get into. No luck so she suggested I got to the one we walked passed earlier ad meet up later it was almost 2 in the morning this would never happen in Philly at this time of night. So I go in order a kamikaze and the bartender says 5 dollars ad its 2 for one until 3. I texted jazz to say I was going to be drunk but o service. The guys next to me started talking to me and I started laughing. They were really gay. The this guy sat next to me who reminded me of a ex but cuter and more masculine I asked him of other places to hag out and he named a place called chi chi’s 21 ad older, gave me the run down and I ordered my second drink. I was already buzzed we talked ad flirted and after hearing last call check text ad jazz was home so I ordered water and wet home with Jermaine to go get high.

Jermaine is what I call a poser he looks thug and rough, but is nothing more than a fag. The closer we got to his place the more sugar I saw and the uglier he got. I should have known a sexy 37 year old is never what he seams. His penis was like a childes crayon the jumbo kind that you get when your 3. It was light by the time I went to sleep and at 12 I got the hell out.

He lived in Harlem and had cheep rent, although I was having crappie sex all over Manhattan I was finding the affordable places to live.

17 November 2008

NYC Update 1

October 1st I decided to move to NYC. It was a quick decision I was already in the process of finding a new place to live in Delaware county, I even had a new roommate lined up. My current roommate was debating to either sell her house or rent the whole thing out completely. I could barley afford to pay the rent I was, yet alone what she was thinking of renting it for. I told her I would be out by the 15th and it looked like things were going as planed until I felt that having my ex as a roommate was a bad idea. I was uncomfortable with the way he managed money and the fact we had sex twice since we decided to move in together.

I called me play sister Jazz and we talked about it. At first she was agents it but in a matter of three seconds she was thrilled. I told her my plan of moving up as soon as I found a job or the 31st which ever came first. I told her after we saved up money then she Nsangie and I would fid a two bed room ad split ret three ways. It was a idea that thrilled us both.

That night I called my sister so she would be the first to know, at first she was a little sad but by the end she was excited the same way everyone else would be when I told them. I waited a few days then told some friends at work. A bit of a mistake on my part.

The move date kept bouncing between the 2nd of November and the 30th of October. After some planning with my job I settled on the 2nd and would spend my Halloween and every day off until the move in the big apple Job hunting.

I did not wat to tell my supervisor and boss my plan until I had two weeks left. Then day of the company get together I found out that Helen a woman I already knew could ot be trusted had called my boss and told her that I was planning to move to New York. My boss was cool and I knew I didn’t have to much to worry about as the time to tell them was coming close anyway.

I approached her and we talked about it, she the said she had a connection in Brooklyn and would email a recommendation. I knew for a fact I had a job now.

One night after a long and tiring week one that left me with two days and no sleep, the next day I had to go to NYC for a job interview at the Metropolitan Museum of art’s store, I was sure to get a job offer. My cell phone was off due to non payment and the directions I got off lie left me lost I Brooklyn. I was trying to get to queens so I could change and the take MTA to my interview. By the time I made it to jazz’s house it was past my interview time so I found her “hidden” key let myself I and took a nap.

Just when I thought I was not going to get to see her and leave, she came in and proved once more how poorly she listens. I had told her that I was coming up ad yet she was surprised to see me. I asked to borrow her comp to check my email and that’s when I got the bad news. A one lie email from my boss “Effective immediately your employment with us is terminated.”

I ordered Chinese and chatted with Jazz and then went to bed. It was nice I hidden slept 8 hours straight . . . since before I started working nights. I was sad to be fired again, yet happy to have some free time to just be lazy. The move dated was switched to the 25th and I already had a job lead. I called my mother and set it up so that I would stay with my mother for 10 days. I had worked it down to seven and that was to long by day three we were arguing about water bottles. (Whole other blog)

Wednesday night I made plans to grab a drink with Josh (Mr.) after my modeling class. To my surprise he was at Friday’s with friends, Kathryn and his Boyfriend of 2 months, his name was Joe and he was quiet.

Shortly after my arrival Josh’s roommate Mike showed up and I could not help to leave Josh and his quite friend to their quiet dinner. It is important that you know I did not know who Joe was before I arrived I knew Josh was dating someone but I didn’t know his name or what he looked like. When I got to the bar he introduced him as “this is my friend.”

A small scene later and I was being told that Joe was unhappy with my presence ad that he might back out of the trip they had planed to Florida the next day. This was the last time josh ad I could hang out. I was leaving Saturday and not coming back and was leaving tomorrow for five days.

A trip to the bathroom and one phone call later I was ready to go home ad call it a night. The crew was moving on to another bar and I was advised it would be a good idea if I did not go in order to preserve my ex and his boyfriend’s trip. Josh ad Kathryn felt I should go. So I did and it’s a good thing Joe explained how he felt ad realized I was not the one he should be angry with its was just another case of Josh being Mr. M. a point I wanted explain to Joe but I realized it was not my place. I understood a little better now. I saw that Joe was a good guy I liked him a lot he made it a lot easier to let Mr. M go.

That Thursday I was hug over and had to push moving my stuff into storage to Friday. A hut for auntie Maime left my a little sad but I soon got over it.

Friday came and only one day left in the grater Philadelphia area. I got my sister and Lou to help me pack the truck and much to my surprise my sister ad I alone packed my storage space which I got a hell of a deal on.

One would think that I would have had a going away party or a big night on the town with my friends but nothing. I awoke Saturday to pack my car and begin my new life.

I pulled into Queens on the rainy Saturday of October 25th 2008. Lets just say my life still involves sex and working but it is no Sex and the City.