The Darkest Chapter of My Life Part 3 “On The Inside.”

My first night I was nervous but I found people I could get along with. The next day I wanted to sleep late but I had to get blood drawn. I went back to bed only to be awakened by a loud woman telling my roommate and me it was time for breakfast. I grabbed want looked to be the fixings for a “Make your own” breakfast sandwich. I was not given any meat because it was pork and I have an allergy. It was so damn bad that I wanted to hurl. But there was yogurt and fruit.

As I munched on my apple, which would be my main source of sustenance, an odd woman came up and said she could not see me. Now this is time for a back story.  The night of my arrival and once semi-settled I had to ask the nurses’ station a question, I was directed there for some odd reason, it could have been for that MRI or EKG. All I remember is that it was a test it and it had letters and I was told to ask for it. A man walked out of the station and I said excuse me, he looked my way then went back in. I looked to the man next to me and asked, “Can you see me?” he replied, “Oh Yeah I can see you.” He was visiting a patient who would turn out to be the funniest story I have had the pleasure of hearing.  Later when I went to watch TV in the activities room the guy who I shall call Mike made a joke about wind coming in but not seeing the source. He then explained to me and everyone present that it was his father who I asked about my sudden invisibility.

So back to breakfast, this was about the third time I heard the joke and all I could do was smile and rush through the apple. Each time she would see me it was followed up with, “That’s just to funny.” She was quick to recognize my cool awesomeness, I assumed she was not all gone or all bad but I was going to get to know this person a lot better than I maybe would like to.  I began going to groups and but when the co-occurring recovery groups were taking place I had nothing to do. So I found a book at the nurses’ station and my roommate gave me a book. Both thick, both written for adults who ENJOY reading.  I tried to read but soon found that I wanted to sit and try to write. I sat for about an hour on Wednesday just getting to know my roommate and that’s when the question was asked, “So why are you here?” without hesitation I retorted, “Attempted Suicide.” We went back and forth until he got the whole story and I used gender neutrals when referring to my ex and he soon got the picture. He was still shocked that I would even think about it.

Many people asked the question of what lead to my 302 and they all gave the shocked look to my answer. I was determined to make the best of this situation. I hated depression and I did not want to deal with it any more. If I could not kill myself then I had to take advantage of government programs that make it so that such people as me would not want to do what I had planned.

I smiled at everyone and talked to all the nurses and staff and my case worker was the best. She found it easy to relate to me and listened. I found her to be the easiest person to talk to. She really seemed like she wanted to understand ME not the why’s or how’s but how I felt and what I thought and how she could help me, unlike my doctors on the other hand.

So there was my Therapist and there was my psychologist. My psychologist refused to make eye contact and spoke softly, this was such a shock to me that after he gave his sepal about who he was and blab bla bla I blurted out, “What?”  To prevent myself from laughing. He however was a good looking man, his demeanor was just a turnoff, so I could see why there was no ring. After maybe five minutes if not less I was sent on my way. I did not get much done in the way of groups on Wednesday because every time I got into something I was called into another short meeting where they either picked my brain, got a statement about why I was there or to poke me for some other physical reason.  One guy (a nurse practitioner) gave me a physical and asked if I had enough at breakfast, I wanted to say, “As much as I could stand,” but I simply said plenty. He then said it sounded like I didn’t eat enough, and he was right.

My therapist, I like to refer to as the Happy Lumberjack. He wore plaid, a tie and jeans, and it was all well-coordinated, eh hmm. He had a soft and pleasant speaking voice and all I could do to keep from laughing was smile and node. He would open with, “How are you feeling today?  What do you want to talk about, what would YOU like to discuss. “He was so fucking cute with his Mister Rogers voice I had to think about weather I wanted to huge him or deck him.

In my first meeting we discussed MeTo. I was devastated when I checked my voice mail and did not hear from him. I was so hurt I was doing everything in my power not to think or talk about it. I could not understand how you can tell someone you love them more than anything and that they will have your heart forever and when they tell you they are going to kill themselves you do nothing. I let it all go on my lumber jack therapist. He helped me to realize that surprising how I feel towards someone is not good. It is ok to want to punch someone in the face and relish in the thought. You have to keep it in thought, accept how you feel, deal with it in thought and then move one. I felt so much better that, that night I dreamt about kicking MeTo’s ass, I relished in the dream, woke up and let it go.

Night time was the worse; there was nothing to do so I took a shower. My Mother could not get clothes to me until Thursday and my sister was going to bring them. I checked my voice mail and still nothing from MeTo or my so called “Best” friends. Bombshell had called me and was clearly worried so I got her number from my mother and left her a voicemail telling her I was ok and getting help. I also got the number for a friend of mine from jersey, only to find out that you could not make out of state calls, so I could not reach out to MeTo even if I wanted to.

I woke up Thursday in full swing of things I had set a reputation and found out who the cool kids were; I survived high school once I could do it again. There were your cliques, there were the cool kids, suicides and drug over doses, the cheerleaders – attempted suicides who thought ALL people are fucked up so they try to be friends with everyone, the want to be cool kids – people with more than one issue but are in such denial they are hard to help, the loners the anger issues  and really mentally damaged, and the staff. I was always a cool kid and it was not long before the cool kids started talking to me and about me in positive ways.

There was mike, he was in because he mixed his medications up and started seeing aliens. Dirk my roommate who OD’d on heroin by accident. Troy who simply pissed off the wrong people with the right connections and Samantha a heavyset girl who was in for an OD but was so funny and strong you ONLY wanted to be her friend or you simply hopped she didn’t notice you. I kind of stunk with them most of Thursday until I met Anastasia. She was quiet and I went to sit next to her and we started talking and formed our own little twosome until later that day I met Stacy. She was only an inch shorter than me. I had noticed her before but she was quiet and had a distant look on her face. But she opened up to us and just like in high school I had my own little clique. We talked and giggled at the fact that while most people were way older than us everything you need to survive in a place like this you learned in high school. We all went to the same groups together; watched TV together and eventually started taking smoke breaks together.  ALL the original cool kids were discharged on Friday and so it was my group and the cheerleaders.

The night before the woman who kept the invisibility joke going pushed me to the limit and I had to curse her out. She stopped talking to me for two days; ah I wish it had lasted longer. 

The Darkest Chapter of My Life - Part 2

I would go to work and on my way home I would, get sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka. Once I got home I would tidy my room give myself a facial and get hammered on the vodka. I would eat a little then swallow the entire box of sleeping pills.

I went to work as I had planned and I was excited about my plan, I was looking forward to 5 o’clock when I got off and could home to end the pain forever. I was at work for all of two hours when I had to answer the phone, the person asked for Victor Bethea, it as a man then I heard the unmistakable voice of my mother. “Do you know what I went through this morning?” I knew it my plan was foiled. I told her not to come to my and she said ok, I knew that meant she was already on her way.

I had no idea how to handle this, do I run, where do I run to? I asked to go on a ten and I went to buy the sleeping pills. I came back still panicky. I decided that when I saw my mother I would run out the back and hide or take the bus home or something that I did not know, all I knew was that I would find a way to get away from her.

My plan was foiled yet again because my coworker told me she hated being on the register and so I jumped on and in the midst of taking orders and failed to know the passing of time or the fact that my mother had jumped in line. My heart sank as I saw the expression of, “I GOT YOU!” on her face. It was a look of relief and joy mixed with hurt.  I had never seen it before but I recognized it immediately and my heart screamed and cried.  I wanted to hit the floor and let my emotions poor out but I could not because something else within me cranked the spigot to the faucet tight and would not let any emotions of any kind out.

My mother demanded that I go and speak with her. I could see fear, the kind that she was afraid of what I might do, but I also saw the strength in her that she could handle whatever I could dish out and then some. So I reluctantly complied and I tried to rationalize my decision which still after all I just saw seemed like a good idea. When pleading and trying to get me to see the mistake I was making did not work, her friend came to speak with me and then the her pastor who made me want to do nothing more than get away and so I did.

Everyone else handled themselves well but the pastor caused a scene and I was embarrassed. I wanted him to go away and my boss was trying to understand what was going on and do here job of getting control of the situation and the pastor just clammed up and repeated, “I want to talk to the STORE manager.” And after the assistant manager was not enough I was asked if I wanted to take this to a more private location and as my mother chased me she called the police so that I could be 302’d. Once the police arrived, I was asked all kinds of questions as to my plan and why.

The pills were found and my fate was sealed. I was going to be taken to Norristown hospital. My mother wanted to take me to some place in DelCo but the pastor insisted that I be taken by the police. I was willing to go to DelCo, HELL I know DelCo I did not know Montgomery County.

Handcuffed, I was escorted out of the store and placed in a police vehicle where a motor brigade of my mother, another cop car and my mother’s pastor took me to a place for people like me. On the way I tried to snap myself out of it by talking to the cop. No lie this guy was hot. I asked him where he was from and I immediately knew why, he looked like the more butch version of J.R. he was nice a guy though and the conversation flowed naturally.

Once I arrived they took everything from me. My bag, cell phone, wallet, all I had on was the clothes on my back. After waiting for what seemed like hours we got to talk to the doctor. He was HUGE a big fat guy who sat down and I was stunned he could fit in the chair I did my best not to let what was going on in my head to show on my face. He decided that I needed to be “admitted” I heard “committed” but potato, tomato.   

We were offered juice as we waited further and it was undrinkable, I wanted to say something but mother advised agents it.  I began joking and felt better and took a shot of asking my mother if she would reconsider but she said this was something I needed, I felt for her I knew this was hard but she was making it look easy. This is a woman who I have no doubts would lay down here life for me if it meant I could just live minutes longer. Would circle the world to save me and stop at nothing to and sacrifice everything to ensure my welfare. Here she was allowing me to be locked up in a place where she could not come and see me every day, or talk to me every day, just so I could get the help I needed. She was logical and rational, but the love was POWERFUL to the point I could not argue with her.

She eventually had to leave and I felt like crying again. My mouth said I understand and I was well aware of here other obligations and the fact she had to tell my sister what happened but a huge part of me wanted, “My Mommy.”

With the strange guy in the lobby, the bad orange juice and the fact that I could not have my cell phone, I wondered how anyone was prevented from really going insane. I figured hey I have 10 bucks my mom will bring me more and there is a coke machine, can’t be that bad.

I had to go through triage and relinquish my belt and all jewelry except my watch, I told them the studs in my second holes were new and might close. I needed a little bling. I then had to talk to a nurse about what happened, I then ate turkey, yogurt, and carrots and washed it down with apple juice that came from one of those little cartons you get in grade school at lunch time. I wondered where the green was but considering this was hospital food and the turkey tasted like real turkey and needed no salt I could deal.

Then an MRI then I had to talk to the activities coordinator and sign paper work, then I met with my first contact person, then I made my room and then I was alone. I prayed that my roommate was someone cool, cute, and if possible gay AND a top. He however was only two out of three and that’s far from bad. He told me about how things worked and that it beats prison, Yup my roommate was an ex con with the sexiest eyes that you ever did see. He was in sales and with eyes like that it was no wonder he did well. He was in for a heroin overdose and he parents thought it was intentional. I would soon find out that in a place like this the only people who really get along with one another are Attempted Suicide cases and Drug over doses.  It was going to be a long however long they planned on keeping me. 

The Darkest Chapter of My Life - Part 1

Today I came home and realized that I have not blogged in almost two months. There has been a lot going on with me and as much as I would like to take the night and catch up on Fringe I think it would be best to write about how the most emotionally painful time in my life drew my real friends close and pushed the fake ones away.

It is hard to find the exactly perfect moment so I will start with the most relevant. The month of May I had noticed that a check bounced. I decided to lay off the clubbing to get my finances in order; I wanted to be good for pride month.  As I withdrew from the gay scene I found it odd that the only person to call me was Tammy, she called once and once I explained to him that I was taking time to get other things in order I heard no more.

I  began thinking about everything, I thought on my friends and my money situation, my living situation, my religion, my sexuality, promiscuity,  my health, dates, past lovers, and of course the two greats. I thought on all these things not because I had extra time from not going out, I was working as much as I could and making my house into a home, I was thinking because I was slipping into depression.

I have suffered from depression since I was in sixth grade, whenever I would spot the warning signs that a big bout was coming I would begin taking Saint John’s Wart and do whatever I could to spend time in the sun and remain social but this time I ignored all the warnings and before I knew it I was stuck in a rut.

I would become angry and explode then withdrawn. In a matter of days I stopped talking to everyone including my roommates and my mother.  I tried to reach out to certain people but they would not or could not understand what I was trying to say. I looked to get apologies for past wrongs from those who claimed they loved me and it took days to get an answer. I began to feel there was no point in talking, I have said it all before. Past lovers only want to play with my heart, my friends are only my friends when they see me, and my family should not be burdened further with my problems.  I was convinced that there was nothing I could do about my problems.

The Sunday before Memorial Day my buddy Bombshell insisted that I come to her BBQ. I told her I was coming from work and empty-handed.  She put her foot down and told me I had to come. I had been dodging here for weeks with legitimate sounding excuses and this time she was not having it. She missed me and wanted to see me. So to her house I went where I drank till marry, smoked pot and ate. I had a blast and forgot about all of my problems. If I had my way the night would not have ended until I passed out but most of us, including myself, had work the next morning.

On the way home I felt alone again and helpless and all I could think of was the Benjamin Franklin Bridge. It was late at night and I would not really know what was going on until I smacked the water. Not to mention I was drunk.  As I walked north on 5^th street MeTo sent me a text about being horny. I told him how shitty I felt and that I was going to end it. He kept texting me insisting that I don’t do it. The text went on for a while and before I knew it I made a wrong turn and I was at the 42 bus stop. So I figured I would get on the bus, go home and go to sleep. At this point I was thinking there was a good chance I might have cancer.  I told every who I thought mattered and a few people were supportive Bombshell was the most supportive telling me where to go to get a biopsy.

I was using the free clinic and they only did an ultra sound and I was waiting on the results. So with the cancer fear, MeTo making his usual promises and not following through, and being depressed and not talking about it I sat on my porch smoked a cigarette and talked to MeTo who decided to finally call. I told him I would not commit suicide and went to bed.  

The next day I got up feeling no effect of a hangover and went to work. I remembered ALL the events of the previous day and was embarrassed and ashamed. I tried to distract myself from all of the racket in my head with the music on my phone and the game Candy Crush. Work was work, I put on my typical performance of, “Nothing is wrong, and I will make you laugh.” My coworkers loved working with me and I honestly loved working with them we had each other laughing constantly and they enjoyed my jokes and quips.

As the week went on there was nothing from MeTo until Saturday, he sent me a text. I recall sending him something unkind in return; obviously I do not matter as much as he says I do. If a friend of mine told me he was planning to commit suicide I would call the next day and several times thereafter to ensure he is fine, if the love of my life who, keeps giving me chance after chance was talking about it, I would be ready to be on the move. Here I only got a text five days later.

I was hurt and that only exacerbated things. Monday I woke up numb wanting to feel something, I got out of the shower looked at myself and decided to cut my hair. I missed my long hair but I resented it at the same time, I felt like I could feel an old part of me return and it lasted a short while.

I just made it to work and the shock on people’s faces was a new high, many loved it. That night I tried to write. I had tried to write for several nights and nothing would come I would stare at my screen and long for the words to come but they just would not come. I had two posts that I was working on previous and I could not complete them. For four weeks I was unable to write and so I went to bed where I dreamt of the same nightmares. MeTo and I getting back together, MeTo sending me a text he was giving up on us to see where things would go with someone new, me getting cancer and losing all of my hair, being in pain in hospice, having to look into the face of my mother as she watched her son slip away, my grandmother losing the only link she had to my father, me falling for a man who found joy in tormenting me knowing that I would stay because it was better than being alone. Night after night I was tormented with these dreams and no matter what I ate, or watched, or listened to nothing altered them in the least bit.

I woke Tuesday morning inspired to write finally. I began to write and the words flowed so smoothly and so eloquently it was some of the best writing I had ever done and I felt so much better like a weight had been lifted off of my entire body. I then decided that if this was going to be the last thing I ever write then I may as well make sure that all those effected would see it. I sent an email to my mother aunt and MeTo. I then posted what I wrote on my blog and then I posted the link on Facebook and tagged all my friends. I then shut off my phone and came up with the plan. 

Please Do Not Hate Me

(This once was a post describing the darkest day of my life. Thanks to help from the RIGHT friends and several LOVING family members I have over come this moment and in the interest of personal safety and Blog consistency the original contents of this post have been removed.)

Elephants and Mothers?

Every now and then you experience moments that exhilarate you and remind you that you are alive. Sometimes they are near death experiences and sometimes they are simply moments that are so joyous that you cannot help but stop and reflect on how awesome life is. While there are moments that remind you that you are alive there are also moments that remind you that you are all grown up and that you are in fact an adult. This Mothers’ Day was filled with those moments.

To be honest with you my entire life for the past few week has been a smorgasbord of moments that have made me stop and realize that I am growing up at an alarming rate and that I may in fact want just a few more moments as a child to reflect and think about it all.

Today I found out that one of best friends is going to have a baby. She had been keeping it a secret for a really good time and today the jig was up. I went to see here and as I listened to her explain her reasons for not divulging such information and how she felt about everything I was easy to understand. The shocker was simply the fact that none of us thought she was doing anything where she could get pregnant which led us all to ignore the elephant in the room.

Mother’s Day was all sunshine and rainbows. My mother requested that I go to church with here and so I requested off from work and made myself available. We arrived late and all my time spent was helping to set up for dinner and then leading the team with serving. It was a great time, everyone laughed at my jokes and the jokes I heard were all worth a good chuckle.

The day progressed with stops here and there, a shoe store for my mother, then to see my father’s mother, then to see my eldest aunt. My grandmother talked about my late uncle and father and I was shocked to find out that my aunt had stayed in New Jersey with here girlfriend. I sent a text to all my aunts cousins who are mothers and called my ex in-laws. I got to chat with my former mother in-law for a bit and assured here that everything in my life was going great which was the truth and she told me a little bit about her day. As if by magic a few moments latter Doctor MeTo sent me a text.

Walking home I noticed that the entire day consisted of the time old elephants in rooms with people who refused to acknowledge it. My best friend was pregnant and showing yet none of us decided to ask. My cousin and the mother of his child were having a fight and still no one said a word. At church it is obvious I am gay yet everyone acted like they could not see the obvious and focused on other attributes of my personality. I have admitted to MeTo several times I am having trouble forgiving him and he continues to text me as if nothing is wrong.

Why is it that adults ignore the obvious and never speak up when a single word will ease tension and create an environment that is more welcoming and fun? Children “see” everything and questions what they do not understand but once they grow up they are taught to refrain from questioning for fear of offending.

So tonight I sent MeTo a text asking him if we were going to continue ignoring the elephant in the room and he chose not to respond so I am taking it as a yes. The thing about an elephant in a room is that they eventually move and when they do, it results in damage. I have had enough damage done in my life from simply not speaking up and so I am calling the zookeeper on this elephant, MeTo has got to go. 

Forgive and . . . Forget?

For the longest time I wondered why so many people hold on to others in hopes that they will change. I had fallen victim to this with MeTo constantly going back and forth in hopes that each time things would be different. Things however only got worse and I was the one who got hurt the most. So much so that all my friends and family would rather see me never speak to him again than allow him to have even the smallest involvement in my life. For weeks I have been asking myself why I was willing to give him yet another chance. Today I got the answer to all these questions.

There is a plan I have for my life and while I am converting to Judaism I know for sure I want to marry a Jew and raise a Jewish family. MeTo on paper seems like the perfect candidate, but in reality can he really make me happy?

For the entire time I have known this man it has mostly been about him and what he wants in life. I played the role of the supportive boyfriend while he got his PhD and I was supposed to play the role as the supportive boyfriend yet again while he is getting his maters so he can be a teacher. The reason he asked me to marry him was because of how I made him feel and what I did for him. It was all selfish and to be honest each and every time I have been selfish it caused so much drama that I learned to deal with grief until I was ready to scream.

The reason for all of this is because I was waiting for the time when it would be not just about him but us and in this waiting period I came up with a plan for a life with him, one that I cannot see having with someone else. I held on so tight to this plan and dream that to let it go would be to let go of a major part of me. I officially have to be honest with myself, “Will this dream ever come to fruition, or will I wake up at 40 and realize I wasted my youth trying to achieve the unachievable?”

The major red flag lies with MeTo’s ex, the one right before me. MeTo admitted to being completely open and loving in that relationship. He gave without question and hoped and planned that the two of them would have a life together forever and that it would all be worth it in the end. Things however ended and MeTo was left hurt and looking for answers and had to admit that he had been foolish when he should have listened to all those around him. I had to hear about offal stories about this person from everyone who loved MeTo.

While MeTo admits to being a fool in love he refuses to admit that he has hardened his heart. MeTo never loved me the way he loved his ex. The whole relationship I had to ensure him that every thing he did for me would result in him benefiting somehow and that there was some kind of balance. It turned into me giving of myself more emotionally in order to make up for how he gave financially.

I came to this conclusion when I realized how rarely MeTo simply says, “I’m Sorry.” He just doesn’t do it. There is always an excuse and explanation. The last time we spoke on the phone I set things up for him to officially apologize for how he recently hurt me and make it heartfelt but it never happened and when I sent him a text and called to follow up on it, it all went ignored.

So what am I to do, do I just accept that he is sorry, that this is how he is and I must learn to deal with it, or do I protect myself the same way he has learned to? Am I the kind of person who can ignore the feelings and needs of others because it works best for my long term goals? Can I ignore his phone calls and text for days because I am stressed and I don’t want to deal with the potential to add to it? Am I capable of keeping him at arm’s length until I get my way? Could I send him a text telling him I have decided not to give us a second chance because I found a relationship that is more “convenient?” Can I be cold and heartless? Can I spend the rest of my life with someone who is? And more importantly can I give up the dream that I have held onto so long that involve my future?

It always seems that when you have the answer to one question you have a dozen more. I will never have all the answers but this one thing I am certain of. MeTo has a plan for his life and he will achieve it with or without me, so YES I am giving up the dreams I have created for my future. I will not reserve myself for a man who does not love the way I do. I will open myself up to the possibility that he is not the one and that I have to give others a chance.

Some people very close to MeTo told me that I allow him to get away with too much and that it was not until recently that I saw the MeTo that they all saw. So if any man wants me I have to be a priority and made to feel as such. I have heard from several friends and past lovers that I know how to make a person feel important and I should not settle for anyone who does not do the same.

After several incidents where MeTo has chosen to just stop talking to me and several times when he has hurt me and not apologized I remain PISSED and unwilling to just let it go and move on. If he wants me back this time he is really going to have to put in work and right his wrongs.  He made me do it so now it is his turn. 

I Want a Baby!

One day walking to the bus from work I passed a playground. It was one of those days where the temperature was fashion perfect. It was warm but cool enough to wear a jacket and maybe a scarf. I loved days like this. As I was walking, I passed the playground where I saw children playing. Parents stood with their strollers as they watched their children play with one another and all I could do was smile. My heart skipped a beat as I looked at all the different scenarios.

There were dads, moms, couples, and even grandparents, all happy to watch their children play. I longed to have that one day. I continued walking and began thinking about all the great men I had met in my life and now that I was on good terms with all of them I could think about the “What ifs.”

It was written in the stars that I was to be a family man. People like me do not simply have friends I have people that I am so close to you cannot tell the blood relatives from the non-blood ones. I walked and thought about all the dreams that I have had where I saw me teaching a child something or cooking dinner for my family or going to a school to see if it would be a good pick for my child. Every aspect about child rearing seemed to be something I wanted, everything except discipline; I mean who longs to punish their child? I however recognize it as a necessary part of having a family and so threw it into the fantasy to make it seem a bit more realistic.

I found myself smiling this Sunday morning as there was only one person I could see fitting into this fantasy and so I took my seat and pushing my thoughts to the back of my mind bean reading my book on Judaism. 

So You Are New To Dating?

It has been my experience that “Baby Gays” love me. What is the definition of a baby gay one may ask, well a baby gay is any gay between the ages of 21 and 25 or a gay man who has recently come out of the closet. You may ask why this is so. Well men have a maturation curve, the gay life offers a lot of different options and it takes a few years of exploration to figure out exactly what all of the different options are, what one wants to explore and finally they type of gay man that one wants to be. The learning never stops but there comes a point when you look in the mirror and you know exactly where you are heading in regards to the type of individual you intend to be.

Being a fan among Baby Gays, has given me an edge on dating advice I have a never ending pool to experiment with, add the fact that I have done my fair share of dating, that my friends all come to me for dating advice and one can clearly see why I have a dating blog.

Recently I have found myself giving my mother dating advice. It is odd considering that the only reason I can give her good advice is because I am a man who dates men, something she and I have decided not to discuss, ever. My mother has recently found herself single. Divorced from my stepfather and when the guy she was recently dating began to act like an asshole she walked away from that too. I find it really hard dishing out tough love to my mother. She is a bit more sensitive than my other friends and she turns to G-d for everything. I can give great advice to my mother but it is not until she prays on it or the shit hits the fan that she takes it and I am typically left without the credit, not that I mind.  

The other night she called to talk about her boyfriend and I was not in the mood to hear the same thing for the 100edth time. Typically I try not to tell my friends to break up but rather talk to the person, my mother’s response is always, “I will just pray about it and let G-d deal with it.” I typically want to respond, “Then why the hell are we talking about it? Why are you all hurt, either get over it or deal with it?”

That night I wanted to tell here to stop being hurt and look at the type of men she keeps dating. Twice now she has dated men who never been in a serious relationship and are in their late 40s. Last I checked that is a huge red flag.

So I have some general advice for older women who are looking to settle down with mister Right.

1. Date men who you have a common dating history with.
2. The moment his actions do not line up with his words, Talk or walk.
3. Be sure to discuss intentions, if he cannot be honest with where he expects things to go, then you will most likely end up wasting your time. 
4. Be sure that you have more than one thing in common. You need to be able to have a conversation that is more than just your day, your past, and what you plan on having for diner.
5. Take note of your dating pattern and adjust, if things keep failing, it’s not them it’s you.
6. Have realistic intentions, do not think you are going to start a family and your biological clock has stopped.
7. If your religion is important to you than date a man who ACTS like it is important to him as well.
8. Be mindful of rumors, gossip always stems from truth.
9. Shop around do not seem too desperate, be sure you have explored your options. 
10. Do not allow things to progress to fast.
11. Be honest to yourself and others.
12. Like for like, do not expect a man without kids to relate or understand your problems related to you being a parent.
13.  Men like working for it, so play hard to get and keep an obvious amount of distance, In the beginning. 

These dating rules work for anyone who is rejoining the world of dating. Whether you are a Baby Gay or an older woman stick to the rules and don’t go diving in the deep end. 

"And that's what makes a man, Not hard to understand!"

"DNA"

Does he tell you he loves you when you least expect it?
Does he flutter your heart when he kisses your neck?
No scientist or biology
It's obvious when he's holding me
It's only natural that I'm so affected

And my heart won't beat again
If I can't feel him in my veins
No need to question, I already know

It's in his DNA
D-D-D-DNA
It's in his DNA
And he just takes my breath away
B-b-b-breath away
I feel it every day,
And that's what makes a man
Not hard to understand
Perfect in every way
I see it in his face
Nothing more to say
It's in his D-D-D-DNA

It's the blue in his eyes that helps me see the future
Fingerprints that leave me covered for days, yeah, hey, yeah
Now I don't have any first degree
But I know, what he does to me
No need to work it out, it's so familiar, ooh, ooh, ooh

And my heart won't beat again
If I can't feel him in my veins
No need to question, I already know

It's in his DNA
D-D-D-DNA
It's in his DNA
And he just takes my breath away
B-b-b-breath away
I feel it every day,
And that's what makes a man
Not hard to understand
Perfect in every way
I see it in his face
Nothing more to say
It's in his D-D-D-DNA

It's all about his kiss
Contaminates my lips
Our energy connects
It's simple genetics
I'm the X to his Y
It's the colour of his eyes
He can do no wrong
No, he don't need to try
Made from the best
He passes all the tests
Got my heart beating fast
It's cardiac arrest
He's from a different strain
That science can't explain
I guess that's how he's made
In his d-d-d-DNA

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, oohh

It's in his DNA
D-D-D-DNA
It's in his DNA
And he just takes my breath away
B-b-b-breath away
I feel it every day,
And that's what makes a man (what makes a man)
Not hard to understand (to understand)
Perfect in every way (in every way)
I see it in his face (in his face)
Nothing more to say (nothing more to say)
It's in his D-D-D-DNA

Vixc-B Turns 27, The Weekend

Friday I met friends for happy hour. I told them what went down the night before. One of them suggested I just have another slut spiral. I then made it clear that I was swearing off sex until a guy who treats me right comes along. They all told me to stop talking to wonderful and as for MeTo they could see how much I loved him and how hurt I was. They all just said give it time and I could see they just wanted to say what they said before, “it will all work out.”

From a bar called, Corner to several others the drinks flowed and after 2 weeks I finally had an appetite. I managed to eat something at every bar we went to and my friends paid for everything in honor of my birthday.

We eventually split and I went to Bike Stop for CutnPaste, Icon was hosting but it was still a waste of five bucks so I went back to Tabu. I drank some water and then went home. Once I got home I treated myself to some late night General Tos Chicken and watched a movie.

I was supposed to go to Rocco Yoga, but in the process of getting dressed I banged my knee on my foot board and could hardly walk. I decided to spend the day in. I chatted with a few people on A4A and Grindr and soon discovered it was time to delete both apps from my phone.

I woke up Sunday with my leg feeling better but my heart a mess, MeTo was still not answering his phone and Wonderful was asking that we remain friends maybe with benefits. I wanted the pain to stop and so I took a shower got dressed and went downstairs to clean something. I unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it again, made some coffee and sat to start blogging. My birthday week was amazing but my birthday weekend was only eh.

As things stand now, MeTo still cannot talk to me, Wonderful is trying to get back in my good graces and I am regretting breaking things off with Eddy. Evan is interested but I just got some news from him that complicate things just a bit. 

Vixc-B Turns 27 - Men and Fighting

Thursday was class in the morning and a date in the evening. The guy that I was making out with on my birthday wanted to see me again and so we decided to meet for coffee at old Starbucks. On the way I downloaded the Facebook chat app and saw MeTo online. I said hi not thinking he would respond, but he did. I thought maybe I would get closure but this conversation only broke my heart more, it is hard to hear someone who hurt you the way he did say he loves you and all the other things you expect to hear from a man who wants you. It did not make any since and as I walked into Starbucks the whole crew was there, Dom, Icon, the Angry Barista and Darr.  My face was a tragic mess and I was greeted with, “Oh my g-d what’s wrong.” I told them I needed a minute and I told MeTo I had to go because I was out.

I took a few seconds to compose myself then proceeded to explain what was going on. In my explanation I soon realized how much I give of myself to others and how well my friends know the key players in my love life. I was so hurt that no matter how hard I tried MeTo just would not give me closure. If you love someone let them go properly, don’t string them along.

I told my friends that I was meeting a date and that I am probably making a mistake. I then turned around to find my date sitting right behind me. I tried to pretend all was ok but it was not. We decided to go for drinks and I bid my friends a good night. I told Evan that I am going through a lot and that I would explain it all, once we got to Tabu. On the way I asked about him and he used humor and enthusiasm to describe himself and his life.

At Tabu I poured it all out, i told him about MeTo and Wonderful. He was able to relate and I felt 10 times better. Over drinks we got to know one another better and I began to honestly smile and laugh and for a few minutes here and there I forgot about my broken heart.

I walked him to the train and after a great kiss good night proceeded home. Upon boarding the trolley I got a text from Mr. Wonderful. Nothing was concise he was asking me questions about my whereabouts, who I was with, what I was doing. I asked him what was with all the questions and it was not until I was almost home that he told me he wanted to meet me a Tabu. I told him I was home already and things began to get weird.

He called me and asked what was going on, I told him I was confused and he hung up before I could explain. The last I checked he was thinking about giving me a second chance and had yet to make up his mind. When his text became less and less I decided to live my life and stop waiting. Now the very second I try to move on I was getting overwhelmed.

He accused me of sleeping with other people, told me to call someone else to sleep with and so on and so on. When I tried to call him no answer and when I sent him a text asking him to answer his phone he said no. I then got a call from Eddy, the 21 year old I dated from Delaware.

What the hell was going on? Here I am trying to live life without expectations and no matter how hard I try to move on and just enjoy me, other people get thrown into the mix. Eddy decided he was going to come up to visit and I allowed him. I was pissed with the world. I was pissed with MeTo for breaking my heart and still not having the decency to call and talk it out. I was pissed with Wonderful for making me out to be a whore and never telling me how he felt because I was supposed to figure it out and I was pissed with Eddy for being such a sweetheart. I called Mister Married for advice and there was no answer.

By the time Eddy arrived I was calm enough to think rationally and invited him in. I told him everything about everyone and he listened and gave me a hug. He then told me about his situation and I felt even better about myself. While I had a crap love life he was dealing with cancer among other things.

We spent hours just talking and sympathizing until he decided it was time to go. I knew I still had unfinished business with MeTo and wonderful and was not looking forward to going to my room and checking my phone. I decided to watch a movie and just when I was about to lay down wonderful sent me a text and the fight commenced yet again. I dismissed him and went to bed. 

Happy Earth Day!

Remember to ... 

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle and Do Things Green 

Happy . . .

I'm going to bake some cookies. ;-)

A Must Share LOLz

Problem On The Friendship Train

Life has a way of keeping your ass in check. The moment you begin to stray away from who you are and who you are meant to become shit begins to hit the fan. Having just figured this out and doing what I needed to do to get back on track I decided to start spending more time with my amazing group of friends.

This time with friends was also to be spent learning more about what other people think in regards to the lessons of life, and the most important lesson I recently learned is that most people hold the title of best friend with high regard and those who do not ever keep any friends for long.

Think of friendship like a modern day commuter train, you know like MTA or the SEPTA El. Each car is equipped with an engine, brakes, and the ability to be the head car. Friendship is just like that a bunch of train cars working together for a common goal. The goal is always to move forward and defective cars are removed while the others rotate positions.

I have said it before my friends are great but now we have noticed that there is a defective car and as I have been the leader car for a bit now I am beginning to doubt if keeping this car linked to the others is a good idea. All the other cars have complained about pulling this persons weight in regards to maintaining the friendly momentum that we have and as I am the oldest and I know this car better than the others all messages have come to me.

Now one would think that if your best friend comes to you and says, “hey the group feels you don’t take their friendship seriously and here is why,” that person would either explain themselves to the individuals who had a problem, or try to adjust the way he is projecting himself to others. Well after two serious conversations the problem persist and I was mad a promise that this friend would talk to the others to explain a misunderstanding. Weeks have past and no such conversation has taken place.

What does this mean? With this much time passing and tension building what can I “Big Sister” say to the others? There is not much. I love all my friends but this might be the time when my one friend will have to learn that when you try to be friends with everyone soon there will come a point when you realize you can depend on No One. 

Vixc B turns 27 - Part 1

My friends and I seem to always look forward to my birthday. For me it is my official New Year and for them it means a few nights of fun. This year with new roommates and new friends we all were wondering how things were going to go down.

My birthday landed on a Monday and so I decided to round up my friends and go to Tabu, it was karaoke night and my buddy was bartending. My roommate made me dinner and then it was off to Tabu. I arrived later than I planned on but all were happy to see me.

The plan was not to stay long because I was starting a new job in the morning. I ordered my first drink, Liquid Marijuana  and after taking my first sip the bartender looked at me and was unhappy with the presentation. It was quickly transferred to a larger cup that had blinking lights and he fixed it so the liquid level was equal to the rim of the glass. He then told me my first drink was on the house. Soon my roommate arrived with her boyfriend and without me knowing my next drink was paid for.  Icon signed us up to sing proud marry.

I was on my third drink when a charming man came up to me and began to flirt, before I knew it I was lip locked and when I turned to my right to get some air I was eye to eye with the Waiter. He wished me a happy birthday and smiled. I don’t know how my face registered but I know I was horrified. I had wanted to make out with him but someone beat him to the punch. I was tipsy and everything that I felt like doing was encouraged by everyone.

I went to go watch a few people sing and when I came back to the bar there were a ton of shots and the host told everyone to take a shot and sing happy birthday. I was floored, there were extras and so I had to take two. My roommates boyfriend, Mister Hawaii made it happen. I had no idea what time it was but I went to talk to the Waiter and I remember getting a kiss that knocked my socks off. Icon and I got up to sing Proud Marry and I knew I was drunk. I could not keep up and where I am normally the lead I was depending on Icon.

After proud marry I was ready to go home, we were supposed to move to woody’s but Tabu just kept escalating. I arrived home and went to bed only to awake still drunk. I called HR and told them I was extremely ill and my orientation was rescheduled.

I slept it off and later decided to go get some air. I was sure my class at temple started the 2^nd but after arriving I noticed that it was scheduled for the 9^th. I called Tammy and met him at his job. Then it was to Tabu with Icon and Phyllis for tacos. I called it an early night and went home to work on my blog.

I decided to go spend some time with my mother on Wednesday and we had a good time just hanging out. Then we went to see my aunt who was having here kitchen redone and that is where I met an old high school sweet heart of my mother’s. He was not as attractive as I thought he would be but he sure was charming and managed to hold my mother’s attention.

I talked briefly about converting with my cousin and I had to tell here I am not telling my mother due to the fact it would cause here to kill me. It just might be worse than when I told her I was gay.

 

At home my roommate had friends over and I joined in on the cheese and drinks. Before I knew it I was floating up to bed. 

Again With The Jew Thing?

Like most people, when tragedy strikes they turn to their religion. I had talked about the whole conversion thing and even started adopting certain practices but as far as attending Shabbat services or really trying to get involved in a synagogue, I was a bad Jew. 

Technically I am not Jewish, by definition I am a Christian man who can speak Yiddish and loves all things Jewish, up to and including the men.  I had been trying to communicate with G-d recently because I honestly felt I could hear him calling me. Yeah like in the stories of the bible when they really think they can hear someone calling their name.

I would find myself out and could clearly recognize someone calling my name. I would turn around and unable to recognize anyone I would go about my business. This kept happening almost everywhere I went, until finally one night on the trolley coming home I stopped and began to pray. My head and heart was so corrupt that I could not make out what G-d was trying to tell me. I knew what I had to do, I had to begin praying on the regular, I had to fast and had to do something to show G-d I was honestly sorry for the plethora of sins that had recently went down.

Then the whole drama started and I lost sight yet again. However I soon became desperate and turned to G-d. Unlike the last time when I found myself heartbroken, I was not asking G-d to take the pain away but to help me in preventing it from happening again.

I finally did it, I called Rodeph Shalom but I got no answer. I decided since Passover was about to commence I would take the day before it and fast no solid foods just coffee and water. It was at work that I knew I was making the right choice. Now that MeTo was not talking with me I had no one to celebrate Jewish holidays with and it hurt. The first two nights of Passover my job had a Passover menu and I watched as happy Jewish families, and couples, came in to dine on modern takes of traditional Pesach classics. I was now more determined than ever.

The next day I called and made an appointment to speak with a Rabbi about converting. With excitement I went to RS and sat with a rabbi and we talked about all the reasons for me converting and what it required. I came prepared having been reading books on Judaism and constantly praying I am quite sure it was written all over my face that I was serious.

I signed up for the first of two classes that I am going to take and I was sent on my way. I called Aunt C and told here the good news. It cut deep when she said she thought the good news was MeTo and I getting back together.

All through Passover the news spread and I was getting congratulated, even my Jewish boss found out and after a few jokes he welcomed me to the tribe. I desperately wanted to call MeTo and tell him the news but that was not a possibility.

I adhered as best I could to the dietary laws of Passover and even made my own matzo. My roommates loved it. I called my ex father in-law to wish him happy Passover and he wished my family and I happy Easter I wanted to tell him I was converting but figured I would wait till a better time. We caught up and I left out the bits about how his son broke my heart yet again.

Easter came and I got a text from MeTo wishing me happy Passover and Easter and that he needed more time. I simply said thanks and left it at that.

When the last of my friends heard that I was taking serious steps to convert and that I was dealing with drama with MeTo they all looked at me with hopeful eyes. They did not say it but I knew what they were thinking. So to ease the tension I did what Jews do best, I cracked a joke. 

April 8 is Yom HaShoah

Yom HaShoah is Holocaust Remembrance Day, when we honor these survivors who have suffered so much, we honor the families lost, and vow it can never happen again. I invite you to light a candle of remembrance to honor their memory,

Waiting For Him To Develop

The other day when my sister called me to wish me a Happy Birthday we got to talking about a certain guy she likes and whom clearly likes her. The thing is he is younger and she made a profound statement, “I am sure he is the one but I think I just have to wait for him to grow up.” It made me think, “Is that what we are required to do when we find the one, Wait?”

It is common knowledge that men mature slower than women and some men mature faster than others. I look at my mother and she also is waiting for a man to grow up. It seems no matter how old you are if there is a man involved there is a maturity curve that requires waiting out.

I look at my past relationships and it would seem a big flaw of mine is my inability to wait. I have the same notion that a lot of women have. I want to meet the right guy fall in love and get married. I want to know fro day one that we are on the same page and I want to see that things are moving in the right direction. The moment that it seems the relationship is not going to turn serious or that it looks like it will be years before the talk of marriage will come up I bale. Patience is a virtue. I look at the past few guys who I honestly thought could have been the one, the 21 year old, Mister M, Mister Wonderful and Doctor MeTo and they all required that I be patient.

I had to wait for the 21 Year old to mature, Mister M to make up his mind, Mister Wonderful to have more time, and MeTo to finish school. However in my mind the clock is ticking and after waiting years for many men in my life I continually convince myself that a guy who wants me will make it clear he wants me for life and show it even if we are not yet talking marriage. 

I guess the biggest question that must be asked is, “How do you know a man is worth waiting for?” if I knew the answer to that I would not be single. Yet still I would imagine it is all in how he makes you feel and have that conversation about what you and he wants out of life. If you want the same things and you can see yourself falling in love give him the time and take your time. Enjoy what time you spend together and remember there should be specific things that you are sure he is capable of that your reasons for waiting are. Waiting for a man to change is never a good idea but waiting for him to develop more into the man that you see before you can never be wrong. I wish to G-d someone gave me this advice 4 years ago. 

There is More To Passover!

I was reading about the Jewish holidays and I was shocked to learn that Passover is more than observing rituals it is about becoming self-aware and moving past things that have hindered you. All of Passover I was dealing with a broken heart and took the time to evaluate how I continually allow this to happen and have allowed my heart to hinder me from living the life that I should.

Well it is no secret of what I have learned and how I am trying to keep my heart from taking over my life. The leading men have all found ways to leave permanent marks on my heart and the most important thing that has happened, Mister M.

The other day I was sending a pic, that I recently took of myself, to some friends and was about to not send it to Mister M when I realized I was not looking for his approval or for him to call me sexy or attractive just for him, like all my other friends, to see the pic.

Mister M is now just a friend because I took the time to put my heart in check. No matter what emotion I am feeling I am able to stop and think now. Where I used to allow my heart to take action I can now breathe and think and act in ways that I will not latter regret.

While Passover is a wonderful time to spend eating with family and remembering what happened in Egypt so many years ago, the cool part is that there is still an applicable aspect to it for today. While I may always be in my head and trying to tweak myself here and there, Passover is a time when Jews are to look over their lives and examine what is holding them back, what are they being a slave too. This Passover I did just that. I am enjoying learning how to be a better Jew because in all honesty it is making me a better person.