Forgive and . . . Forget?

For the longest time I wondered why so many people hold on to others in hopes that they will change. I had fallen victim to this with MeTo constantly going back and forth in hopes that each time things would be different. Things however only got worse and I was the one who got hurt the most. So much so that all my friends and family would rather see me never speak to him again than allow him to have even the smallest involvement in my life. For weeks I have been asking myself why I was willing to give him yet another chance. Today I got the answer to all these questions.

There is a plan I have for my life and while I am converting to Judaism I know for sure I want to marry a Jew and raise a Jewish family. MeTo on paper seems like the perfect candidate, but in reality can he really make me happy?

For the entire time I have known this man it has mostly been about him and what he wants in life. I played the role of the supportive boyfriend while he got his PhD and I was supposed to play the role as the supportive boyfriend yet again while he is getting his maters so he can be a teacher. The reason he asked me to marry him was because of how I made him feel and what I did for him. It was all selfish and to be honest each and every time I have been selfish it caused so much drama that I learned to deal with grief until I was ready to scream.

The reason for all of this is because I was waiting for the time when it would be not just about him but us and in this waiting period I came up with a plan for a life with him, one that I cannot see having with someone else. I held on so tight to this plan and dream that to let it go would be to let go of a major part of me. I officially have to be honest with myself, “Will this dream ever come to fruition, or will I wake up at 40 and realize I wasted my youth trying to achieve the unachievable?”

The major red flag lies with MeTo’s ex, the one right before me. MeTo admitted to being completely open and loving in that relationship. He gave without question and hoped and planned that the two of them would have a life together forever and that it would all be worth it in the end. Things however ended and MeTo was left hurt and looking for answers and had to admit that he had been foolish when he should have listened to all those around him. I had to hear about offal stories about this person from everyone who loved MeTo.

While MeTo admits to being a fool in love he refuses to admit that he has hardened his heart. MeTo never loved me the way he loved his ex. The whole relationship I had to ensure him that every thing he did for me would result in him benefiting somehow and that there was some kind of balance. It turned into me giving of myself more emotionally in order to make up for how he gave financially.

I came to this conclusion when I realized how rarely MeTo simply says, “I’m Sorry.” He just doesn’t do it. There is always an excuse and explanation. The last time we spoke on the phone I set things up for him to officially apologize for how he recently hurt me and make it heartfelt but it never happened and when I sent him a text and called to follow up on it, it all went ignored.

So what am I to do, do I just accept that he is sorry, that this is how he is and I must learn to deal with it, or do I protect myself the same way he has learned to? Am I the kind of person who can ignore the feelings and needs of others because it works best for my long term goals? Can I ignore his phone calls and text for days because I am stressed and I don’t want to deal with the potential to add to it? Am I capable of keeping him at arm’s length until I get my way? Could I send him a text telling him I have decided not to give us a second chance because I found a relationship that is more “convenient?” Can I be cold and heartless? Can I spend the rest of my life with someone who is? And more importantly can I give up the dream that I have held onto so long that involve my future?

It always seems that when you have the answer to one question you have a dozen more. I will never have all the answers but this one thing I am certain of. MeTo has a plan for his life and he will achieve it with or without me, so YES I am giving up the dreams I have created for my future. I will not reserve myself for a man who does not love the way I do. I will open myself up to the possibility that he is not the one and that I have to give others a chance.

Some people very close to MeTo told me that I allow him to get away with too much and that it was not until recently that I saw the MeTo that they all saw. So if any man wants me I have to be a priority and made to feel as such. I have heard from several friends and past lovers that I know how to make a person feel important and I should not settle for anyone who does not do the same.

After several incidents where MeTo has chosen to just stop talking to me and several times when he has hurt me and not apologized I remain PISSED and unwilling to just let it go and move on. If he wants me back this time he is really going to have to put in work and right his wrongs.  He made me do it so now it is his turn.