If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.
So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.
I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.
I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.
I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.
Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.
My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”
I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.
So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.
Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.
I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.
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