I knew what I was doing when I wrote “Spicy Revenge.” It was
not that MeTo had made me angry to the point of really wanting to commit murder,
just that I was fed up trying to explain myself to him. The hurt and disrespect
was in abundance when it came from him. I used to have a list of pros and cons
and all the cons with the exception of maybe two were extremely superficial. But
after the past year my con list had gotten so long and everyone I went to for
advice could not help but agree this guy was not seeing the picture.
I stood by him during everything, getting his PhD, breaking
up with the guy he should not have been with, ignoring me for three day straight
when I needed him, his nightmares from childhood events, his thinking he had
HIV and even going back to school again. All I asked for was a 60 second phone
call saying that he loved me or a text saying, “thinking about you, will call
you when I can.” Instead I got phone calls complaining and days where I did not
hear from him at all and months of him not visiting. I thought maybe I was
doing something wrong and that my friends were being blast.
I asked his aunt and she agreed that he was being unfair, I asked
other people who I thought would be more on his side than mine and they too agreed
he was simply unfair. So it finally came down to the point where I no longer
wanted to be in a relationship that made me sad, that made me wake up and frown
at the sun and reach for my chest in hopes that the touch of my own hand would
ease the pain of my heavy heart.
I called him three times suggesting we take a break or break
up and he convinced me each time that he would try harder only to resume life
as usual the next day and no change or effort shown for weeks and so I gave him
an ultimatum. I told him to change things by mid-July or we were done and mid-July
came and went and it was the end of July I called things off. Suddenly he was
full of grief begging me not to call things off, I had to break up with him via
text because he never answered his phone claiming to be too busy but now he had
hours to waste calling me and telling me I was being unreasonable that he was
still dealing with the first time I broke up with him.
He dated another person in that time and then used said
person to break my trust and then did nothing to try and rebuild that trust. I was
shocked that when I pleaded for change he did nothing but he was asking for yet
another chance in his own way and because it was denied I was at fault.
And so I stood my ground and refused to take him back. For
the rest of the summer friends and family asked if I would ever take him back
and I told them if I am single when he is finished school then I would think
about it then.
The summer continued with him asking me back he even managed
to find time to come visit and take me out. During his visit it started great
but I soon saw the old him the one that could not just have fun for a night, he
counted every dime that was spent. I did not hold it agents him but I refused
to allow myself to jump right back in.
Soon our so called friendship was maintained via text and Facebook;
one would think as I was still paying his cell phone he would call once in a
while. He then called when he was ready to upgrade his phone which required
that I change my entire plan, but because I made him a promise I felt obligated
to stand by it. The new plan had each line costing $80. He only gave me thirty
for his even when I was struggling to pay the bill he refused to pay more than
80 and when the phone was cut off until I had the money to pay the bill he went
to the store and takes his number off. There was an oversight on my part he was
still an administrator on the account from when we were engaged and without
telling me, he was legally able to take his number.
So now I lost my upgrade, was stuck with a reconfigured cell
phone plan and a past due bill for two phones. I never got an apology just an
excuse that he could not go without a phone. It hurt deeply because he knew I had
rent, phone bill, transportation, tuition, and all the other bills an adult has
to pay all on my own without help and he only had transportation to pay.
He continued to send text proclaiming his love and I asked
him to stop, that I was angry with him and needed time to get over that anger. He
refused to give me any time; he sent text and messages on Facebook.
Then I made it to my limit. I had gotten to the point where I
was dating again and things were friendly with MeTo and I. things were good for
a month and then he starts sending text that he misses me and wants to see me
and that he was going to come down to see me soon. Things that I knew were
unrealistic because I knew his schedule. I asked him to stop making promises he
could not keep. I still had feelings for him and he seemed to pray on that
hopping I would take him back.
So I called him out. I told him not to contact me unless he
had time to finish a conversation. He began attacking my character and I was
left defending myself. I became angry that he continued this back and forth via
Facebook and text. How could he not have the decency to call? I told him to
stop texting me it is disrespectful.
When I tried to call him nothing, and after talking to a
friend it dawned on me I wanted him to feel how he made me feel. For a whole
year he said one thing but his actions made me feel cheap, used, and worthless.
What do you do with something that is useless? You throw it away or if it’s a person
you kill them.
In my heart of hearts I did not want MeTo dead I wanted him
to fell that I felt he was worthless and so a murder fantasy he would surly
read. I knew if he read it he would hate me but it was more important for me to
lose him forever feeling how he made me feel than for us getting back together and
taking the fact that he was forgiven lightly.
Last night MeTo left me a message and at the end he insulted
me. When I tried calling him back no answer. I tired several times today and after
maybe 7 calls a text, “I read you most recent blog, were done.” He does not
want to be with someone who can write such a violent story about him. And so
here is my defense.
When you are told not to poke the bear, or get in his cadge,
or to approach him it is with good reason. I warned MeTo that my feelings
towards him were making me unstable. He blamed it all on me and told me to go
deal with it. All I ever wanted was for him to just say, “I am sorry I hurt
you, Sorry that I did not treat you how I said you deserved to be treated.” I
kept getting excuses and him asking me to take him back. I loved him to the
point I put myself at risk and he could never just give a simple apology. He never
stopped to ask if I was ok before sending his text which managed to arrive while
I was on a date or being told that I no longer had a job. He never made it so I
could just deal with what was on my plate he had to add more, the emotions of him
hurting me because what he had to deal with was more important than his
boyfriend or as he put it “The man who has his heart forever.”
I suffered from low self-esteem and he waited till after I corrected
that to treat me how I used to think I deserved to be treated with his parents
and brother backing him up. And so my story was a safe way to make them all pay
for the hurt while never actually hurting them or experiencing the unthinkable.
I am not sorry that I wrote the story, I am sorry that I fell
in love with Dr. MeTo, because no matter how hard I try I cannot erase him from
my heart, not even with pepper.
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