My heart has always gotten me in the most trouble. My love for my friends and family has allowed me to take the fall for things we all did or things that I knew about but felt they should not get in trouble for. Growing up I tried to take the burden off my mother simply because I didn't want to see her stressed.
As an adult my fear in becoming a gay stereotype has a allowed myself to fall for guys that I had no business falling for. Mr. M, Mr. MeTo, and most recently JR. I have had plenty of boyfriends but I always go for the ones who seem like they don't care. With the exception of MeTo and Chris, every guy I dated used me then tossed me aside. Sure there were those two week-ers that I saw no potential in but can I really be held accountable by karma and fate? Thats the reason you date to see if there is compatibility. I never lied to a guy and I never intentionally lead them on.
So then why do I keep falling for the REALLY wrong guys? Is it timing? I was told by M that I should take time being single which was the goal but the other night he pointed something out that I thought no one else noticed and I hopped no one else noticed. He told me that when I get into a relationship I lose myself, I conform and give in more than compromise. It was that major reason that I called things off with Dr. MeTo. I felt and still feel that if I don't stay true to me first, then I can not stay true to someone who is more than friends. Which would explain why I cheated on him. Sure with MeTo I became a different person that everyone liked but I felt like I was acting most days and it made me sad.
So now here I am single with no potentials. I have decided to swear of sex and I am not looking for a boyfriend or a guy to give me a good time. I would like to surround myself with friends and make some awesome memories.
Recently I tried to change for myself and I realized that I need not become a new person but take the several different people that I have been over the past 4 years and meld them into the Victor I like and love. I used to be known for my love a checker prints and now its sparkle. I used to be the life of the party then I simply became the host, I have a style that is all my own and I used to have no real style. So yeah I am a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw.
Sure I don't have a Mr. Big and to be honest I hate heartache just as much as I hate gamers, lairs, and unnecessary drama. So here is my list of things to work on.
My flaws
I have a fear of being hurt
I trust the wrong people
I always learn the hard way despite what ever warnings I get.
I back down when I should stand my ground
I am stubborn when I should be laid back
I give my heart to easily
I can take a joke to far
I am vindictive
I wear my emotions on my sleeve
I try to please the wrong people
I don't know how to express my emotions or when I have an issue
I don't know how to ask for help
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