I have always had a hard time hiding my feeling from those that love me and it is next to imposable to hide what I am feeling when I don’t know what I am feeling or why I am feeling it.
Wednesday proved to be a day in which MeTo and I came quite physically close. I don’t think I have ever gotten close to someone like that who was not just a friend or family member. It kind of scared me, it kind of made me happy, it kind of left me limbo.
I have always been a guy so in touch with my feelings that I know when a guy is wasting my time, I always could tell if the possibility to fall in love was there after week one. And while at times I have seen that I could fall more times than not then chose not to, didn’t want to, or simply wanted something not serious with me. I had a long string of men who just broke my heart, wasted my time or chipped a small part of my self esteem away.
Thanks to my friends, things were always repaired and thanks to Jay I learned many of my lessons faster because I hade some one to say “I told you so.”
But what is going on in my heart, why do I feel all kinds of emotions, and not have anyone or anything to direct them towards. The people in my life that matter are all doing much better now then they were a year ago. Jay, aunt LAB, my mother, Louise, even my sister who is trying to come into her own is doing it responsibly. Sure things could be better for me that will come with time.
People like me, and people open up to me, I have 3 people in my life that I can go to, to talk about anything and get advice. I have all the seeds for a happy life, I am happy.
Yesterday was the first time that I have looked or felt sad in months. I am trying to stay in control of my emotions but I think I have tried to control them so much that I have in fact lost control. I talked to my aunt LAB today and we discussed the Facebook message I got. A woman who was in the Air Force is looking for my dad to catch up. It was sad for me to inform her that my father was now dead. As much as the idea still breaks my heart it dose not explained the problem at hand.
After talking we figured that maybe it was just my life had a lot of high point, things are going well for me right now. I decided to leave it at that but the feeling still nagged. I wanted to call MeTo and tell him about it, the idea alone made me feel a little better and so it hit me, I miss my boyfriend.
In order for me to miss him this much had to have more of a reason than I just enjoy his company. I need to stop trying to control my emotions. Although I let them get the best of me in the past, I know how to act and not act on them irrationally now. I don’t need to convince myself that what I feel is only like, infatuation, or lust. I need to just go with it. But the fear still remains, what if get hurt again?
To help make this fear subside I confronted him. I told him that I was feeling a little . . . something. After talking I relized that while I feared being hurt I also feared hurting him. The conversation really helped to put things in perspective.
We talked about loving ourselves unconditionally. We talked about how we both really felt about each other, and that a relations can be as easy or as complicated as two people make it and things were easy, not because we were slacking or didn’t care. It was because we both were putting in what it takes to make it work.
After talking for a good while I realized that although I just saw him yesterday I really missed him and it was obvious he missed me to, I was trying to make my feelings something they weren’t. I got all my change together and saw that my change plus the green I had in my wallet was enough to go see him and still have enough to make it to all my interviews.
We had planned on seeing each other but I had told him the night before I didn’t have gas money. But after counting my change I packed my car and told him I was on my way we were chatting through aim but he used every known method to denote his excitement.
I wasted no time hopping in my car and taking off. What should have been a quick hour and 45 minute ride turned into an over 2 hour ride thanks to the stupid directions from Google maps. I eventually got there with the help of a random guy in the campus community center, a lady in housing and having him meet me at the community center.
We took a shower together, I ate some ziti he made the night before, we went all the way, he made dinner and after the monopoly game we went to bed. It was a perfect day and I knew that there was no way Mr. MeTo would ever be like Mr. M.
No comments:
Post a Comment