The Break-Up

It has come to my attention quite recently that I have not written a clear post dedicated to one of the most dreaded things in both the indigo world but also the regular world. It is a topic that books have been written about, it’s a topic that has sold many magazines and it is the reason we hang on to so many of our friends. The topic is none other than, breaking up.

My sister brought it to my attention and as she and I are so close and have shared information concerning most if not all of our past break up I feel its time I finally write one to help her out. No she is not about to break up but simply talk about it for school.

For some breaking up can be easy while for others it is never easy. Some find a 50/50 split while other look at breaking up as playing roulette. To be honest, no matter how cold hearted you may act; there is no such thing as an easy break up.

When I first started to seriously date, the one thing I hated about breaking up was hurting the other person. Many of two week relationships and I decided to stop looking and take a break. Then I started finding men who I thought would make great boyfriends and maybe end up being the one. Only they never wanted anything serious.

Then it became a life of swinging form on type of relationship to the next and that was when I made the promise to myself. I promised that if I ever found a guy who lasted more than two weeks I would come out of the closet. Shortly after my 21st birthday I met Mr. M. I didn’t know it at the time but the worse and longest breakup that I would ever face was only around the corner.

The break up took only five weeks after the day we met, to come about. It was a quick phone call that ended like many of my other break ups, "let's stay friends."

Well we stayed friends and I was more attached than ever. I didn’t want to admit it but I had fallen in love, and I was also shocked because no one had ever broken up with me. You truly don’t know what it feels like to break up until you experience it from both sides.

I had dated but chose to never give my heart unless I knew that without a doubt they would not break it. I dated others but found that after Mr. M moved to the Philadelphia area I made myself readily available. To the point, I missed a friend's birthday party to help him move, then we ended up sleeping together on more than one occasion and it was almost never inishiated by me.

Many times after a major break up one can allow themselves to get so low that they actually become a door mate for the very person that hurt them. After several months I realized what I was doing, I was hurt and angry and turning my anger inward. When I stopped to truly analyze my feeling, is when it all stopped. I had to realize I was not Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. M was not my Mr. Big. I began to analyze my feelings to see how it was actually affecting me.

I had an unhealthy friendship with the man who broke my heart. I was angry that I allowed this to happen. I was angry with him because while I was honest with how I felt, he seemed to just take advantage. I eventually cut him off and began the true break up recovery process.

Some say it takes half the time you were dating to get over someone. In many cases, I have found that to be true. While many of my two-week relationships took only a week to get over there were a few that took a little more or a little less. By this rule, however I should have been over Mr. M in two weeks and a half. Had we just parted ways it probably would have. But adding friendship right away, can and did in many ways complicate things and sent mixed signals.

Just like in relationships, breakups have different emotions. There is no science as to which emotions you will go through. It will all depend on the people involved, the relationship, and how much you had invested. You will typically experience, anger, sadness, and indifference. I have found during any of these emotions is the wrong time to have contact with your ex.

During you time of anger you could say some hurtful things and ruin any chances at a friendship. Sadness can cause false sympathy and lead to getting into a dangerously unhealthy situation for both parties. You could end up having sex which is not good because that will send your head and heart into a whirlwind of bad emotions and thoughts, you can end up back together knowing that one is unhappy and doing it only to draw out what should have taken much less time.

Indifference can make you curious as to why you don’t have any feelings and can make you force yourself to feel things you really don’t feel towards that person. Many times your indifference is caused by a multitude of feelings and your heart and head are just not ready to settle down and deal with each one individually. Finally many times after you have dealt with all the emotions indifference comes about to simply let things settle. It is only after you have given your mind and heart proper time to adjust and recover from all the thoughts and emotions you have been going through that you can make an educated decision as to if friendship can honestly be an option.

You may think that the person who gets dumped is the only one who goes through such an emotional rollercoaster but the dumber also goes through one. The person who doses the dumping typically rides most of the rollercoaster before deciding it's over and walking away. It’s the same emotions and depending on the one felt last, determines the type of breakup you get.

I said break ups are never easy, and for the most part this is true. There are those rare occasions where both parties realize that the relationship is not working and you have already begun being friends, those are the only easy ones, other than that it's all emotions for both sides.

This is breaking up 101, you may wonder how you can spot one coming and that is another area in which I am well versed, but that is another blog post. until then Keep coming back to read whats new in My Indigo Life.