Friends

My friend.

At times I can be a loud bitching funnie and honest person. I am always my self and I never change to make those around me more comfortable. I fit in in many different settings and always manage to seen as the same person in each one. When it comes to my friends I always speak my mind, how I feel, and tell them the truth even if it may hurt their feelings.

However, recently I have found that two people have gone through my life never knowing the person all my friends know. I find it mind boggling as to why that is. Every single person that Knows Victor Bethea knows his life is an honest open book. I always argue my point while still trying to understand why my adversary sees the opposite. I only apologize when I know I was more wrong then the other person and when I'm pissed sad, depressed, furious (and everyone who truly knows me there is a big difference between my levels of anger)i always let my true feelings show to my exclusive circle of friends.

My best friend from High School. Basically through our friendship away once he hit college. I always backed down in arguments, I wanted his approval, I tried to assert to him that I thought he was a great friend and an awesome person. I always wanted to do what he wanted to do when we hung out. I found myself jealous when my other friends started talking and hanging out with him. I never let it show or told anyone. I never wanted to date him so it wasn't like I thought my self as his boyfriend or anything I just was a totally different person for him. He was one of the few people that could look at me to shut up and I would with out giving a sly look, quick response or anything.

Now I am sitting here and wondering why. I never got angry or yelled at him which was strange because in high school I yelled at everyone. I bet one of my other good friends with my shoe in the hall way after lunch. I felt he was a spoiled brat who needed to know what it was like to get a but beating.

Time went by and I accepted the friendship was over and I never wanted to find someone like him again. How ever a few months after my 21^st birthday I found another. It was all fun in the beginning while we dated but after the dating was done and friendship was agreed upon I noticed I looked at the same way I did my friend in high school.

While we dated and even now as friends I still never raised my voice to him like I've done with my other friends. I refuse to let him see or hear my cry, I allow him to dominate our friendship. There have been times that I was honestly disappointed in our hangout activities but said nothing and showed no emotion as to how I truly felt. I try to remain a happy person but many times it comes off as bitter or mean spirited towards the rest of the world. I allow him to say what he want and get away with it. Its not nearly as bad as high school.

Recently I have found that this is unhealthy and along with the “I Don't Know”s is going to ruin everything. I am not going to confront him about any of this but simply change how I deal with situations around and or concerning him. I will have to make a point to remember how I would deal with something with Jaz or Jason. I don't care what other people think so long as when they walk away from me they know the Victor they talked to is the same Victor everyone else talks to.

These two people are at no fault for the way I act around them. I simply gave them power over me. I was the one who changed for no reason. It has maybe cost me one friendship but I refuse to let it be the reason for anything else in my life to go sour.