"I Don't Know"

“I Don't Know”

It's a pretty common English phrase. I have always thought of it as an easy way to annoy or evoke anger. My mother hated when that was my response and always was able to put a sarcastic spin on it. It is however going to cost me a friendship. I always thought that in time I would be able to get over this person and be happy being friends. I thought and hoped that the time would come where we would either date or we look at each other and realize we make better friends.

One sad night I was angered by something he said. When I look back on it I don't know why it angered me but it did and I in turn handled it like a bitch. Was he hurt or sad or a combination of the two I don't know and at the time I didn't care. It however lead to him having a heart to heart with my most best friend, things he said that I would have preferred her not to hear. The vocalization of what one person sees as certain flaws should only be heard by the one whom the flaws lie. Especially those that cannot be changed and others that should not be changed.

After I saw what was going on I had a drink then expressed my out rage. After a little yelling and driving people home my best friend told me what was said. The heart to heart did not anger me so much but the fact this person told my friend what he told her did. It was a fairly silent ride home with him trying to get me to speak. I was pissed and would have preferred him to take me home in silence and leave. He was sobbing and I was being a bitch hardening my heart. We got home and that conversation took place.

Every question I asked was answered with two sorry excuses for an answer to be nullified with “i don't Know.” we talked enough to the point I calmed down and excepted I wasn't going to get my way. At least not that night. We went to bed and parted ways that morning. I wanted to get to some point fast. Either dating or just friends. I called Friday and said we shouldn't talk for a week. No luck there, Thursday I got a text saying he bought me a key chain. I waited till Friday to respond. We resumed right where we were the Tuesday before we went to Woody's. At some point we even started having sex again. He didn't want to date any body he was still getting over his ex. I realized I should do the same as I was trying to get over mine, Him.

Recently the time has come where I am ready to date now. He made it quite clear that he got a little jealous when I was with the other guy that night and when I made out with his friend. He even sounded jealous when I mentioned the guy I was going to try and date. Then the night came when my guy called me and he was sitting next to me. He appeared almost pissed when I said my guy hung up on me and said “I thought you weren't going to date him.” I told him we were just friend and until a week ago it was true.

As I am getting back to the field and my new guy and I are trying to take things to a serious level. I am noticing things in my ex that are more then just turn offs. His obsession with the ex that treated him bad the entire relationship, the boring sex, the receding hair line, the constant attitude, his judgmental sounds and looks, and constant over appreciation of some things and under appreciation of others tend to make me slightly more than annoyed. To be brutally honest he is not all that attractive, he is not tall with a flat ass, he is in debt like I am and smokes like a chimney.

I am a great friend to all my friends its one of the things that make me happy. I share common interest with all my friends whether it be the jokes we tell, music we listen to, the places we hang out, common upbringing or the books we read. I don't see being the friend to him that I am to everyone else.

Your probably wondering what made me fall in love, how did I know, why was I pining over him so long? My answerer to that is “I Don't Know.”

Will he ever be able to give me proper closure, answer my questions, speak his mind as well as his heart? “I don't know”

I have no clue as to what my future holds. There are so many reasons as to why I am angry with my ex so many reasons I am angry with my self. I know I cant wait for him to finally make up his mind. He talks a good game like every guy I've dated. He wants what I want but I feel I am only an example to him. I see it in his face when I look at him. He is honestly one person who's eyes I can't look into for fear of what I may see. I feel like at the end of the day I am just the measuring stick for his dream guy a guy who is happy to do his laundry, cook him dinner, listen to him bitch and complain, reassure him when he is down and yet be content with the little he has in life.

My ex's dream guy is black closer to his hight has a nice size dick acts like he is from the hood is a total bottom, and has all the qualities I mentioned in the paragraph before. He is not me and it hurts because it could have been but I don't want it any more. I can't see my self moving backward to set myself up for God only knows what. He could be my soul mate but I doubt it. We could become the best of friends, I doubt that as well. The bottom line is I am angry with him, he broke my heart, how can I forgive him?

I don't know.