A Really OLD Friend

Today I talked to an old friend, someone that I told many people I would never deal with again but he seemed to show up when I was at my worst, we listened to Garbage and HIM in an attempt to make me feel better but before I knew it he was on my computer changing my facebook and even logged into our old blog. It was so scary having him back in my life we even died my hair black and just as quickly as he came he was gone.

I spent the rest of the day trying to make since of everything, I talked to My now former father in-law and his sister and they helped me gain perspective on everything. I was at my worse and it hurt because I was doing so well with everything. MeTo and I tried to discuss the possibility of getting back together but he was now not talking to me at all and my friend wanted to get revenge. To top it off Christmas brought up feelings that I hadn't dealt with as far as my grandmother's death, and at the end of the night I went to visit my uncle and he did not look well. My heart and mind were racing.

I went to work and tried to focus on my job but I could not, no matter how hard I tried. Before I knew it I was in the corner on the floor crying. How could MeTo say one thing and his actions another? Was my uncle going to make it? How could I let anger keep me from saying goodbye to my grand mother? How could a guy who I was doing a favor for, not prep everything? I was not eating and on average for every 48 hours I was only getting 6 hours of sleep.

I walked around center city after work and got some retail therapy, all things that I needed. I got home and laid down and I could not move, my body hurt so badly I could only move my finger and tried to call someone to help but no answer. I tried to call out but my voice was faint. I thought I might die I was in so much physical and emotional pain. Soon the pain died down just in time for Titus to show up. He got on my computer as I tried to clean my room and then we died my hair.

He left and I was alone to deal with my emotions, after giving my landlord the rent I decided to write MeTo a letter and sent him a text asking him to check his email. He was not answering his phone or responding to my text. I then put on War of the Roses, one of my favorite movies. I drifted in and out of sleep and when the movie was over I was fully awake. I had a missed call and a VM. Apparently MeTo pocket dialed. I tried calling him back and no answer.

I resumed cleaning and then Jaiye called and we chatted about everything. I needed the distraction. I then listened to the song. I had dedicated Beyonce's Hello to MeTo when we first started dating and I realized it still held true. I then realized that if you love something you have to set it free, if it comes back to you then its meant to be. The pain died down by a great degree. Instead of wanting to run away from the hurt I decided I would let MeTo be happy in his new relationship if thats what he wanted. I would even try to remain friends.

Its hard to let the love of you life go for real and even harder to see that he is happy with someone else. However in all of this I got something that I wanted for years, a positive self image, I gained the ability to love me first. So I know I am not ready for dating now, I am way to hurt. I will however keep an open mind and stay positive that love will find me again.