A Little Drama?

Everyone who knows VixcB knows the one thing I hate the most in life is drama. I try to avoid unnecessary drama at all cost. I am careful when selecting friends, even more careful when selecting lovers, I do my best to communicate effectively and try to select the right words and terminology when expressing my opinions and in giving criticisms. For the most part I have done a great job at minimizing the drama in my life.

Sure you have probably read some of the blogs that drip of nothing but drama but as anyone knows you can not live a life completely drama free. Recently I told MeTo how I truly felt and even went as far as to show him with a grand gesture. Things did not go well and I left feeling blue and depressed. He later admitted the situation was due to poor communication.

Then Christmas came around and I was dealing with MeTo drama, I decided to visit my my mother and the emotions of my grandmother no longer being with us brought more drama, I went to see my uncle who is not doing to well and that was more drama, then a visit from MeTo brought more drama and then a night in the ER with my best friend was just the cherry this ice cream Sunday was missing.

When it rains it pours and the worst part about the rain is there is nothing you can do about it except to wait it out. Its hard though when you have a heart full of pain and you are trying to be there for people that are suffering just as much as you are.

When I stop and think about all the things that has happened this year I realize that there is even more to me that people don't know but should know, like my self-esteem issues.

I had told MeTo when we broke up that I needed to work on me, I had no idea what issues I had just that they were causing me to be self destructive and self defeating. No matter how great my life got I was not happy and could not enjoy it the way one should. So I called things off and began working on me. I discovered it was low self-esteem which caused me to conform in relationships instead of compromising. Once I tackled those issues I sat down to figure out who I wanted to be, what I wanted in life and my Non-Negotiables. I then had to get comfortable in the new me and I did. It was such an experience to talk about me and mean what I said, to have people see what I could see, and to see what many people had been seeing all along.

I soon knew that there was just one thing missing a man who deserved a guy like me and I went to get him back but it seemed like it was to late. What I had been told was a casual relationship turned out to be far more serious and I was heartbroken. I wish I had known the seriousness but did not and so allowed my self to hope and put myself on the line.

Things began to hit the fan one by one in rapid succession and I could not take it. Things were all beyond my control and now I feel like I am just a sitting duck waiting to get more bad news that will end it all and ruin the future I was planning for myself. Thank G-d for my friends who are keeping me on track and reminding me that each possible outcome can have a positive impact on my future if I let it.