When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.
In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.
At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.
Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.
Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.
I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.
Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.
I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.
When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.
To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.
I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.
I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence? Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.
A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.
As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.
I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.
He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.
The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.
We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.
I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.
Hello VixcB, and hello everyone. This is Mr. MeTo. I don't normally make a habit of posting to these things; in fact this is my first time doing so. But I feel the need to do so, not to set the record straight, but to just add a few things from my own perspective. I am not going to judge or correct his story, only add my own.
ReplyDeleteI love my man. He is my heart my soul, my love, my joy, my strength and my greatest companion. I am committed to him completely. I just have to say that. And I know that he feels the same way. Now, the incident that VixcB writes about here is one that I could have handled a lot better. But I am human, and can make mistakes and have poor judgment and say things in the heat of the moment with the best of them.
The truth is, it is hard to get by in this economy. I don't make a lot of money; once I get out of school, I will, but in the mean time I make a meager living and come September I will be making far less for various bureaucratic reasons and the fact that my school supporting me is flat broke.
It's frustrating to see yourself working so hard to get ahead, and when the ones you love depend on you for that, even just a little bit, it adds even more pressure. VixB and I depend on each other for a lot of things, even though we both are very independent people. Right now, he depends on me financially a little bit.
I confronted his secret for the wrong reasons. I wanted all money issues to go away completely. I wanted money gone, period. But he and I are a couple that must face the reality that money does not grow on trees.
In the end, we both stepped up to the plate and grew a lot from our drama that day. Its true what they say, you know a relationship will last when your struggles with life and each other bring you closer. I will end simply by making that same promise I made to him in my heart when I said I loved him for the first time.
Baby, no matter what, I want and will be there for you whenever you need me to be. I promise to love and respect you, and let you be the man that you are, the man that I want you to be, the man I fell in love with: VixcB.