Bye Josh

I read his blogs and analyze, when I get his text I think on how I should respond and what he is really trying to say between the lines. I talk to him on the phone and try to mind my P's and Q's. I try to remember who I really am and let it shine through.

When we dated I saw his flaws and allowed my growing love for him mask them. I cooked, I cleaned, went grocery shopping with him and hung with his friends but he refused to let me in completely and when he did share how he felt he always said sorry. Latter he broke my heart but pulling away completely. We then tried to be friends. I laughed with him and tried to understand him. I tried to open up in my usual way but he never saw through the ways I try to protect my feelings. I wondered hard about how I fell in love with someone who honestly loved someone else. He was unable to understand me and I always never looked him in the eye.

I denied my love until one night I was in bed with a therapist who tried hard not to analyze but couldn't help but give in. He told me things about my self that I felt but never understood like how I was not bipolar just a little depressed occasionally about my life and that I set ridiculously high standards for the guys I date. I realized there had only ever been one guy who fell short in almost every way and I still wanted. The guy who broke my heart.

I now read his blogs and still wonder why cant he see I am trying and want to continue to try to love the only way I know how. With all my heart.

My heart has been given to so many people and crushed. My mother has told me for as long as I remember not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have had best friends turn on me lie about me and I could not help but forgive. I have had family put me in situations that I could not escape and I dealt with them the best I knew how. I can honestly say I have always tried to make the best of every situation. I am a survivor. Look at my life.

Now at 22 there is a part of me that just wants to give not only the physical and of my time but my emotions. I am bursting I wanted a true friend for as long as I can remember someone I could tell everything to. Someone who got me and I Found Jaz she know me all to well and I barely have to tell her a thing and she remains loyal. Then I met Jason and the same thing. I have two best friends that know me better than any one I ever tried to befriend. I know they will always love me and will always tell me the truth. Now that I know what real friends are I except nothing less.

So how one change romantic love into simple friend love, how dose one take an ex boy friend and make him just a friend. He wont give of himself, he wont truly open up to you. He has this image of me that I cant figure out. He likes all hies other people and still sleeps with me. He flat out doesn't want to be with me but he is no Jason and surly no Jaz.

Where dose he fit. He get jealous when I mention other guys and hates it when I bitch about them. He finds my mean side fake and unappealing. His idea of hanging out with me is staying in and watching a movie.

I feel he has little regard for the fact I actually loved him yet he plays on it to get quick satisfaction. Where in my life would that person fit? He talks of marriage to the guy who will sweep him off his feet ans how fun it is to “play house”

when I ask him flat out questions to clarify who we are to each other I get “I don't Know” I read his blog to find he not only is still in love with his ex but had a 4 year crush on some other guy that he recently slept with, Where dose this guy fit into my life. A guy who is consumed by his job and his emotions that he can not share with me. “I don't know” is not an option as an answer for me. So I had no choice but to say good by.

It hurts to have someone say to you, “your not good enough and never will be no matter how hard you try” in a long drawn out display. Its easier to hear “Your not what I want” or when they say lets just be friends they honestly treat you like a friend.

I am finally angry enough with him to say it, There was the one time I looked into his eyes and I was hurt buy what I saw, a night where I cooked him dinner and joked with him on the couch I saw he wasn't there and there was where I got my answer to all his “I don't knows.”

He knew but refused to accept it. He made a mistake.