For years I have longed to be on my own and form my own traditions. I never wanted to cut my family out of my life I just wanted to be on my own and have first and final say when it came to my life. As the years past and I got older life just seemed to become more and more mundane there was less and less I could look forward to. I used to get so excited when the holidays rolled around. I would get to see all my cousins, and my aunts and uncles and many years even my father. It was great, a day full of people who loved each other. There was gift giving, and eating but my favorite part was the laughs.
So much of the year was broken promises and next to no surprises that were good but come Christmas running down stairs to see what gifts my sister and I got was never a letdown. As I got older I got to experience the excitement of going shopping for those I loved and the joy of watching them rip into their present to see the gift that I got for them. It meant more to me to give an appreciated present than to get one. I loved it when my mom and sister gave me a gift they were excited about. It never mattered what they gave just that they were excited to give me something. That look of anticipation on their faces. It meant the world to me and I enjoyed returning the same.
As I got older the presents became less and less and before long my mother didn’t even bother asking my sister and me what we wanted. My aunts and uncle stopped buying all their nieces and nephews presents. My cousins would decide to show some years and not others. Then my uncle began playing favorites and would only buy two of his four nieces presents. No one got excited for the holidays any more. I would try to build up hype but it was always shot down with disappointment.
There were some years that my mom and grandmother didn’t feel like decorating. My sister and I would pull everything from my mom’s attic and I would do most of the decorating. It became depressing.
The year finally came that I had my own place. I was excited because it was all mine and I could decorate as I saw fit. I bought the best I could afford which was not that great but it was mine. I then got people at my new job excited and we decorated, it then became tradition for me to come in during the weekend and make it look all special. It was always appreciated. That year my job was the one who made my Christmas special and to this day I remember it fondly. My family on the other hand was boring. It would appear that as I got older my mother’s family just lost the love for the season and my father’s family knew the true meaning.
I would rush to my father’s mother’s house and we would tell jokes, I would hear stories of Christmases before I was born, we would eat a great Christmas feast and if there were presents they got opened but they were never the focus. In this grandparent’s house it was all about being together and sharing the greatest gift of all, love.
I latter went through some trying times and did not get to decorate for two years but I still had Grandma B’s.
Latter I moved in with my boy friend and I showed him my decorating skills. As he is Jewish I decorated the dining room for Hanukkah and I put the tree and other Christmas things in the living room. When Hanukkah was over I changed the dining room to match Christmas. My roommates loved it and my boyfriend’s family enjoyed it to.
This year is kind of said yet again, I am no longer with my Boyfriend and don’t have his family to celebrate with. My Father’s family is all struggling with various things and all my Christmas and Hanukkah stuff is in storage in New Jersey. I was going to get my friends together to make Christmas cookies but that looks like it’s not going to happen.
So this Christmas I am not buying presents and I am not asking for anything. I am just going to see how it all plays out. After all I am planning to become a Jew.
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