To Be, or Not To Be?

Before I made the decision to date there was one guy who seemed he wanted to spend a lot of time with me. He worked at Woody’s when we finally met in person and after our initial meeting we would bump into each other in the Gayborhood and make out sessions would commence.

I thought it was a younger guy thing. I had always dated older guys up to this point and every man I dated would wait till we were secluded before going in for a kiss. I felt like I was in High School again, except this time I was making out with a guy. Soon he quit his job and his fallback fell through and we saw less of each other.  

Each meeting was the same until one night he actually came home with me and I was disappointed. He went from being this masculine tall guy with a mini af fro that I had made out with before to having micros which did not suite him. The sex was boring, it was no fun and felt like it was just going to go all night so I went to sleep.

I latter contacted him about hanging out and he told me he now had a boyfriend. I found it odd that this guy had a boyfriend. We had talked and he was not looking for anything serious and he was not going out because he did not have a job and he still had no job but now he was serious about someone else. He gave me the whole I hope we can be friends thing. I thought about it, to be friends or not to be. Here is a guy who has little time for anyone, no job, and suddenly a boyfriend.

The old me would have tried to maintain a relationship the new me, decided to write him off.  

I AM JUST MAD. Tired of this shit.

There used to be a lot that pissed me off. I hated almost everything my parents did, I hated being ignored, being lied too, let down, put in situations that I could not control. I hated people who called me a friend then would talk about be behind my back. People who were my friend one day then my enemy the next, I hated trying to fit in, I hated school, I hated homework and test, I hated cleaning, I hated having to cook, I hated boring family functions I hated, a lot. 

Then the day came when I started to learn plenty of useful things and while I tried to hold onto my family I learned how friends were more important. I learned how rewarding it was to keep a clean room, I learned how things tasted better when you made them yourself. I learned that there was more than one way to was a shirt and that washing it the right way meant it lasted longer and looked better. I learned that doing things yourself meant they got done when they needed to be done. I learned that not all schools were the same and that an A on your homework would help get an A on your test and the A on your test made them almost worthwhile.

I learned a lot of things about life and non of the important things learned at home from family. I learned on my own or from teachers or friends. I thought that family was supposed to nurture you and help you grow into a decent person. I learned as a child that mom and dad were always proud of you as long as you tried your best, they then taught me that my best was not good enough. 

Why is it at 24 years of age I am still struggling with all the stuff that I should have learned as a teenager? When I felt bad I had to blast music to feel better, HIM, Garbage, Beethoven, Bach and I spent many a night and weekend alone in my room trying to clean it, do homework or forget what happened in the living room with my step father, or the dining room with my mother, or what my so called friends said and did to me that week. 

I am hurt and traumatized and the only thing that would honestly help is if I got an apology, a simple I’m sorry. It hurts that for years I maintained a relationship with certain people in hopes that things would get better yet when things got bad I was blamed for the past, I was left out and each time it only caused more and more scars.

I want out, so many teens have committed suicide and I wish I could one of the guys to honestly say, it gets better, but dose it? My family did not stand behind me, when things got bad I got yelled at, I was judged, I was told to clean my room. I have so many bad memories and all the while I was prevented from making friends, I hung with my cousins or I hung with no one. I played in front of the house or I stayed in. I did stuff at the church or I did homework. My childhood was taken from me by the very people who were supposed to give it to me.

I want to give over it but my heart won’t let me, my head says its over and life gets better but it dosen’t. I am making 8 dollars an hour at 24 at a part time job the best I can get. Why is this so if life gets better. Suicide seems like a great idea and to this day no one will or can give a reason as to why I should honestly go on. Life doesn't get better for the ones who’s parents don’t support them. 

I hate to say it but offing yourself is the most logical excuse. Why go through life with all the sadness of growing up among people who refuse to help you better yourself for the sake of bettering yourself? Why life a life of minimum wage when you know you deserve better? Why should anyone care? There is so much that people can do to make a person’s life just a little better but we live in a selfish world where people rather make more money that make another person’s life better. The economy is heading into the toilet and the rich don’t care because they are rich, the poor don’t care because they are trying to survive. 

By definition I am sad person with a really good mask, I smile to hid my pain, I take vitamins because it’s the only thing I can afford to prevent me from killing myself. And as hard as I try when I look at my life I don’t see a good reason to go on. Yes I have a fiancee but I am being supported I have no independence. I am supposed to go to school with no money I can only afford one semester a year and how I am supposed to pay for books is still out there. 

My point is I have been struggling all my life to have just a small piece of what everyone else has and has been willing to help. I have befriended people who are in the same boat and all I can say is I have yet to see proof the it gets better. Sure it gets better if mom and dad are there for you, it gets better if you have money but for poor gay black boys from the ghetto who’s Mom hates them and has never stood up to say I was wrong and sorry it simply just doesn’t happen.

So, Its a Big Deal.

Last Friday MeTo and I went to Philadelphia to celebrate our one-year anniversary.  We had a lovely evening planned.  We would go to the Franklin institute have dinner at the Brazilian steak house and then wonder around the city until it was time to part ways.
I had to stay behind because my sister was leaving for college on Sunday and I promised her I would drive with her up there. MeTo had to meet his mother back at our place, the two of them were then going to go upstate to help dad close the house for the rest of winter.
The day did not start as planned we got to the city a little latter then we should have, mostly my fault, and that left us with only two hours to spend in the museum before it closed.  We made the most of it and it turned out two hours was more than enough.
After the museum, we went to a restaurant called Chime, a Brazilian steak house.  MeTo thought he was going to pay for the entire day, but as I felt that was improper and unfair I took care of the museum and allowed him to pay for dinner in short we paid for the parts of the night we picked.
We ended up being a half hour early for the restaurant and took some time to simply take in the city.  We walked past the Comcast tower and went to a 7 eleven to grab me a candy bar.  When the time came, we were excited to eat and I had a blast with the exception of one minor detail.  My head began to hurt and before I knew I had a migraine all before, I realized I had aspirin in my bag.
After dinner, the night was young and we decided to go to a quiet spot.  Q lounge, which was formally bump, was the first thing to pop in my mind.  I knew at that time of day it would be perfect to just sit, talk, and have a good time without all the rowdiness that could be the gayborhood.
I offered to buy him a drink and he passed by saying, “Not right now.”  I was unsure what he was waiting for but we sat and talked for a brief while and before I knew it I was being thanked for all the help I gave during his proposal but he informed me that his PhD proposal defense was not the one he was worried about. After trying to pull what he was talking about out of him, he pulled a red box out of his pocket.  One final question from he and me then asked, “Will you marry me.”
I was stunned and gave it a quick thought and said, “Yes.” I was completely taken off guard and felt like I needed time to think and digest what happened alone.  It was not long before the waiter figured what happened and informed us that he had just taken his ring off a few months ago. I was shocked at the ring not what I expected and yet I was wearing it. My stomach was in knots and my head was throbbing while the aspirin did nothing.  I so wanted to just run to my mom’s and talk to my sister but I did all that a new fiancé is supposed to do.  I showed the ring to all those who asked to see it and had our picture taken in the bar.  He was relieved that I said yes and I was simply in shock.
When the night finally ended, we both went to Market East train station and waited for our separate trains.  He had to meek his mom to go upstate and I had to go with my parents to take my sister to college.
I got home and I told my sister what happened she was in awe, I still was in shock.  We talked about her life and a few things in my life and my head and stomach was just getting worse.  She joked and told me to take the ring off; I was having a Carrie moment. I drank some water and went to sleep.
The first thing I did when I woke was put the ring on and got started with my day.  My sister and I then went to KOP Mall in hopes that shopping would clear my head. I called jay and told him what happened who then patched Tia in and they were thrilled, I still in shock told them how it happened and then we talked about my shock.  A whole day of shopping with my sister and a new outfit and still was not where I should have been.  MeTo called me, I received congratulations from my future in-laws, and we chatted about how our days went.
I made plans to tell my other friends when we went out that night.  On the way I called my cousin Tiffany, she was excited, and I was no longer in shock.  I became more excited at the idea of getting married.  The whole day was filled with ideas of being the first to get married went through my head and tell my mother and planning a wedding and finally my head stopped and my heart took over.
I made a stop at my grandmother’s and told her and my aunt and while my aunt was excited, my grandmother tried to hide her disappointment.  I then met my friends, Dan and Lou were on time and I could not wait to tell them they were excited like everyone else and I told them how I was in shock for a good while and then I just now fell in love with my ring.
Phil showed and he was excited as well and I showed my ring to everyone that asked.  Two hours later Jay joined us at Q and I regaled my friends with the story one last time and we drank almost 40 dollars and were merry, it was a night to remember.
The next day I called MeTo and told him about the night and he was happy for me.  I have no idea why I went through what I went through but I am happy to say I am talking plans for the day when I marry the Sexiest, sweeties, loving man in the entire world.  I got my fairytale.

It Takes a Love Letter (Missing Week Pt.2)

MeTo and I had dinner Friday night to talk about the necessary steps we were going to take in order to save our relationship. It was not that we were in danger of breaking up but we had got to a point where we both realized things had to change for both our sanities’ sake.

We met on South Street and had a nice dinner at a German restaurant; it was the first time I went to a restaurant of that type.  The food was great but the conversation was not filled with cool hot topics.  We talked about every aspect of our relationship and what we could do to repair it. The conversation lasted the entire dinner.

I have to admit I did meet him with a little contempt I was not happy that he insisted on dealing with this now.  But the end of our conversation I did feel we were on the road to progress.  He got to know me a little better and I found out how he felt about me a little better.

We latter decided to grab a drink from Q lounge, I was dying to see what the new placed looked like.  It was clear that he was feeling better about the situation but I was still not in the mood to be all lovey dovey.  As the night progressed so did the time and b4 we knew it was too late for him to get back home safely.

I called Kim to see if we could crash at her place and I got her voice mail, so I sent her a text.  To my surprise, she called me while we were in 12 Air and I explained to her what was going on and she was in the city and decided to come pick us up.

Kim and MeTo hit it off and I was happy that they seemed to get along really well.  We chatted for a little bit once we got to her house then I just passed out. In the morning, she and her new roommate had to go to a meeting.  While they were out MeTo and I relaxed and got a little touchy, feely I was not in the mood but I pretended to be for his sake.

He later wanted to go out to eat so I texted Kim and asked if she and her roommate wanted to go to Denny’s she told me that we would all go to this other one that she liked a lot.  The dinner was cool and the food was excellent.  I was shocked to see that all she ordered was oatmeal. She then dropped us off at the Chester transportation center where MeTo and I took the R2.  I got off at my stop and he continued to center city so he could go back home.

I was somewhat happy to see him go.  I needed time to digest what we talked about and for him to show me he meant what he said.

I got to my mom’s and watched a movie with her and my step dad.  The rest of the day just went slow and I packed to go to my grandmother’s.  The next day I was going with them to my father’s grace to pay respects for his birthday.  I thought it stupid but I went to make my grandmother happy.

I got to my grandmother’s just as my aunt was leaving for work and we all chatted for a brief stent. I then went to watch TV.  While I was watching MeTo called and decided to read me a love letter that I had written him, it was the one I wrote after he threw me the surprise party.  When he finished reading I remembered the feelings I had when I wrote it and was reminded how much he still means to me, more today than yesterday.  I finally started to miss him as I was supposed to be.  After watching two and a half movies, I called it a night and went to bed.  I hated the fact that he was not there for me to cuddle with.  It took a while but I went to sleep.

The next morning I was dressed and left with my family for the long drive to my father’s cemetery.  Immediately after getting back, I had my aunt take me to the EL and I was on my way back to MeTo a day early. On the first of November.  

The Missing Week

Many blogs got started the week that I took off but few were finished.  After having finished a huge redesign of TIL I decided to take a break from blogging, it just so happened to coincide with my relationship issues.

From my last real post, it is safe for one deduce that I had a lot of thinking to do, mostly about what I wanted currently in my life. 

MeTo walked me to the train, we chatted while waiting, and once on, I was surprised at how much I missed him.  The idea of not seeing him whenever I wanted made my heart sink.  I had told MeTo to just let me be and not to call me until I called him.  He was being extremely patient and understanding, he even gave me money to spend while I was hanging out with my friends.  He set the rules by saying this, “You can look but don’t touch, you can flirt but don’t go home, and if you get them to buy you a drink I want to hear about it because you’re saving me money.”  I laughed and agreed.

My first stop once getting into Philadelphia was my mother’s job. I figured I would put my stuff in her car and then figure out where I would go next. Much to my surprise, we spent a lot of time talking about end of the world type stuff and religion.  We did not argue or debate but shared views and used each other to gain a better understanding of current events and scriptures.  We talked about other stuff as well and it was nice to, just talk to my mother like back in the day.

After leaving my mom, I decided to; just go to my mom’s house, once I was from underground on the El I called my aunt to see what she was up to and if she was up for a visit.  Needles to say she was and I spent most of my Friday chatting it up with my grandmother and aunt.

A lot of the conversation with my aunt was spent talking about Mr. MeTo and how I was feeling about him and our relationship.  I was surprised that I figured out that not only did I know where my life was going but also it was going where I wanted it to go.

When I got home that night, I talked to my mother about her night and hoped she would tell me about how she made new connections. It was a short conversation that ended with her telling me how she had fun and that was about it.  As soon as I was alone in the middle room, I called MeTo.  He was shocked to hear from me and I explained to him that I missed him as soon as the train started taking off.  It was a brief conversation, as I had to get ready for my hearing the next day and he had stuff to do in the lab.

The next day I got up and hurried to my hearing for unemployment. It was a stressful long ride and it happened to be raining.  I was dressed nice and as luck would have it missed the train that would have gotten me there on time.  I called and I was told that word would be passed but no guaranties.

A train ride bottle of coke a phone conversation with Jay and a bus ride later, I made it to be only 20 min late.  I walked inside and much to my surprise when I walked into the room; there was no one from traction.  I was slightly pissed.  This was just a mean way of them trying to save a buck.  To add insult to injury they even had a nerve to had submitted crappy evidence.  I won my case hands down.

On the way out, I chatted with the referee who was nice and she told me she was ruling in my favor and would try to get things to move quickly.

MeTo called as I was waiting for my bus and I told him I won but had bad reception and would call him latter.  A bus ride, a long wait, a train ride, a conversation with Jay, an el ride and two soft pretzels I was finally back in Delco and in a car with Jay.

It was the first night of the World Series and we were headed to our friend Sam’s.  On the way, I get to see Erica, the same one that introduced me to jay and I had not seen since.  Once at Sam’s, we watched harry potter, drank ginger ale and passed one Dutch for each point the Philly’s got.  Needles to say it was the highest I had ever gotten.  First chance I got I went home and slept it off.

The rest of the week was boring with a few sad attempts at trying to write. I decided to go see my aunt and grandmother again and on my way, I forced to deal with the one thing I had been trying to deal with on my own and in my own way, my relationship with MeTo.

He sent me a text telling me something along the lines of how we would be fine, it read dramatic and the situation needed us not to be so dramatic.

The first thing I said to my aunt when I got to her house was, “I might have to breakup with ‘MeTo’.” Her reaction was don’t and then she asked why.  I gave her the rundown of what we were dealing with, how I felt about it, how I wanted to deal with it and how he was dealing with it.  We talked in detail over the night and she gave me some sound advice and of course like everyone that has met MeTo told me to stay with him.

To be honest while I entertained the thought and may have made my mouth move to speak the words, breaking up was never an option in my mind or heart. Just as I, my aunt went up stairs for a moment my phone rang.  It was MeTo and he told me he was coming to Philly so we could discuss things.  I had just made y mind that I would be coming home Sunday and as soon as I got back I would discuss everything with him.  However, as he was telling me and not really asking I just went along.

I remember feeling slightly angry, how dare he come down and put a halt to my me time.  I needed this week to get my head together.  Yet I still allowed it.  I made up some excuse as to why I had to get off the phone and told m aunt what had just happened.  She thought to be a good idea and asked what I thought I had to admit she was right, I have to hand it to aunt LAB she has a way of making me see the light.

I went home, laid out my outfit for Friday, and chatted with my mother.  I got on my laptop and began to try and writ again but the week proved that it was pointless.  I would either be interrupted when my phone would ring or my emotions get the best of me and I would slip into LaLa land.  So ended up surfing the net until the early morning when I just fell asleep.

I spent most of Friday chatting with my sister and reminiscing about the times when it was nice to shut out the world and just be not only her big brother but also her best friend.  I went to get ready and just as I was about to head out the door my mother got home from work and she noticed I had on makeup.  I tried to half lie but she refused to let me out the house.  It was all in fun but it was still a little annoying.

I got of the El in CC at 6:30 but MeTo had been waiting for almost a half hour as he got to Philly earlier than he thought.  We decided on a German restaurant and while the food was great, the conversation was a little strong for my taste.  We did come to a better understanding of each other and all issues were dealt with.

(To Be Continued. . . )

A Phone Call

phone call,relationship,MeTo,Vixc b,Philly,aunt LAB

So, MeTo called me and wanted to discuss our relationship, rather to tell me that he was coming down the next day so we could go out and talk about us.  I was shocked to see that he was the one calling me.  To be very honest I did not want to talk to him, especially after what happened earlier.

While I was on the trolley to go see my aunt, MeTo called me.  I was shocked to see it was he and answered, he told me he wanted to talk.  When I asked about what he was very vague and said, “Stuff.”  I tried to get him to be more specific.  He began talking about our relationship.  I thought to myself, “I thought we both agreed, this week was about me.”

I could never understand why he could not just let me be, leave our relationship alone until I got back from dealing with me.  When I got to my aunt, I told her about what was going on.  She was very understanding much to my surprise and she was able to see things from both perspectives.  She enforced what I was thinking about MeTo and, she helped me to see what I was feeling.

Her suggestion was to talk about everything with him and get on the same page.  I must admit everyone I talk to dose not want the two of us to break up.  I was considering calling it quits but she told me not to just yet and no matter how bad I make the situation seem everyone tells me to hang in there.

So tomorrow me to and I will have dinner to hash things out.  I had wanted the entire week to be a me week.  One where I could gain perspective on the situation, how I was feeling and what I wanted.

I did figure out that I am smarter when it comes to relationships than I thought and I do have a greater plane for my life than I had imagined.  I realized all of this while talking to my aunt.  She learned from me and me her despite the serious age difference.  However, that goes to show you that you are never too old and never too young to teach and to learn.

Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

The art of "Talking"

dirty talk,sex talk,sex,gay sex,talking,party,sex party

As one would have it, holding a conversation is not a casual thing. There are times we are forced into having a conversation. Such as when we meet someone new that we find to be dull, or when we are forced to be the only person left in the room with that family member we do not like, that insist upon asking about school, or work. We all have moments that we just wish we could be somewhere else or with someone else.

Then there are those conversations that we must have with our significant other. We talk about money, the future, what we want for dinner, or plan to do something when we are bored. Many times in a healthy relationship we will find that, that conversation can lead to sex and how it does is more than interesting.

Some guys will use dirty talk as a segue to the main event or events if you’re lucky. While sometimes dirty talk can be just that, the main event. The art of dirty talk seems to be one that is fallen by the way side. I used to be good at it, I could use my words to get both men and women off, but like with most skills it’s a matter of using it or losing it.

Dirty talk is a very complicated thing, which artfully displayed in SATC episode 202. We see Miranda persuaded to get into dirty talk by her boyfriend. She gets into it but when she says the wrong thing her mans leaves her, single again. It makes people wonder what some good sex talk tactics are. Most of us live in a world where avoiding the bad three, is so old school. At dinner parties we love it when the ice is broken and we can all talk about Sex, Politics and religion. When we add convo about contraband and alcohol it really becomes a party. We enjoy talking and hearing about each others’ sexcapades. It’s in the joy of these moments that we learn a lot about the person we are currently sleeping with. Sometimes it’s exciting while other times it’s a little shocking.

“You did what? With who? When?” the questions and the conversation is no longer simple, we have to pay attention to our partners tone and inflection on every word of the story to figure out if what they did was a fun experience or a nightmare. Once you have figured out which stories are good and which are bad, and when you know how they feel about your stories you can now mix it up.

You can try the things you both had an interest in but never actually introduced to the bedroom because you just did not see the other as that freaky. Then you can insinuate with your dirty talk what you are willing to try. Never just come out and say, “I wanna handcuff you to the bed and eat whipped cream off you, like your ex did.” And even if you leave off the, “like your ex did,” the conversation could bring back the night that you had the conversation and they then will think about the ex, and shit just got a whole lot more complicated.

Instead you can say, “I wanna tie you up and lick you all over.” They will really have to stretch their mind to get the, “Like your ex did.” As the conversation continues you can add elements like cherries or strawberries which will lead to the whipped cream.

The goal is to leave your partner wanting to hear your next line. If they can’t think of anything to say they should be able to say, “Oh yes and then what.” Then if you lead it with a “You start doing (whatever)” it should not be long before you dirty talk leads to sex, if that’s the goal, or you can end your conversation by changing the subject.

Dirty talk is fun and it helps you to not only work on your communication skills but also your creativity. I guess I still got it. Typically MeTo and I just call each other names during sex not too much dirty talk, but to each his own and if you like it I love it.  

Moving for love

Moving for love

The act of moving for the sole purpose to be closer to your boyfriend or girlfriend is an act that no one person can agree on as weather a wise move or a bad move.

I had a chat with a friend of my aunt’s and while he supports anyone for up routing their life for someone else she and I were agents it. Sure he explained that while you’re young it’s all fine and dandy but the older you get the less you can afford to make such an error. The discussion ended up being about two coinciding issues but for the sake of keeping things simple I will just continue with my original topic in solidarity.

One of my best friends which I talk about from time to time has recently moved back to Philadelphia because things between him and his boyfriend did not work out in South Carolina. I had kept my opinion to myself about his decision to move but once he was back home I refused to bite my tong and told him that he moved for the wrong reason. I was not alone in my thinking.

When I moved to New York I received support because the reason for doing so was me. I moved because I wanted to move and start my own life there. It may seem a little hypocritical of me as my reason for moving to New Brunswick New Jersey was Mr. MeTo, there is no way I would have moved here on my own. There is a big difference in my case however. When I moved I was only 50min from my job and I was spending most of my time in NB, New Brunswick for short, anyway. I gave nothing up. My life remained the same and I had easy access to my friends. I even made arrangements so that if the relationship did in fact go south I would not have to move.   

I am in support of anyone who moves within a reasonable distance for love, so long as all that they are used to is not too far away.

I am agents anyone who moves such a distance that they have to change jobs and going to see friends and family has to be a planned several days to a few weeks in advanced. A move such as this requires a change in lifestyle. A move such as this should only be done for someone you are married to where it can be seen as an honest investment in one’s future. To do it for a boyfriend could be proved to be a waste of time and money.

When Lou moved to South Carolina as his friend I had to be supportive and hope and pray that the move would prove to work in his favor. It did not though and a good test to see that the move was a bad idea to begin with is when the relationship went south he had no choice but to move back north. There are things that one can do to make such a move worth it. If my friend had went down and saw the area and decided that he wanted to move, good idea, If he got a job and decided to move good idea or even if the reason for moving was his boyfriend, if had saw to it that he was going to be dependent on himself to survive and if the relationship would end that he would be happy to keep his new life then it would have been a good idea.

To think about how one must feel after they make such a sacrifice and realize that it was done not for them is enough to prove that it was not worth it.

I am all for love and the pursuit of it but all in all if after every sacrifice you make for love you can’t honestly say you would do it all over then it was not a sacrifice, but rather just another dumb mistake.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

Jay Has a Birthday

cake,food,friends,birthday,gay,fun,funny

So the 15 was my best friend’s birthday and he asked for one thing, a surprise. That was in and no particulars. He told me a few of his other friends but it ended up only being our friend Jen and I who handled it all. Jay stayed on top of us to ensure that we were infecting planning some kind of surprise. To be quite honest it was a legitimate request. Jay had had a rough year thus far and with losing some friends being betrayed by others he wanted to know that that there were still some people who honored his friendship.

Jay had told us both that he did not care if only five of his friends came to his door and yelled surprise, he would be happy because it was a surprise. But he did inform me as his best friend I should have something to do with the planning. So I thought long and hard about what all of his friends could do that would not cost too much and would be a lot of fun for us all. I called the gang and told them to start thinking and keep that Saturday clear. As luck would have it Phil could not get off and everyone was pretty much broke, so I thought about how despite the fact that we are in a recession everyone still has money to go out and eat.

So sent out text and got numbers and sent out more text to let everyone know the time and place of Jay’s surprise. The big day came and we were still adding and changing plans. The morning of got up and began to bake my best friend a birthday cake complete with icing and red decorations. Once it was completed the hubby and I drove to Delco and picked up the birthday boy. RJ suggested a blindfold and it just so happened that Jay had a scarf that matched his shoes and the blue bandanna MeTo gave me was out. I had to stall though my assistant was not there yet and our guest ware not seated.

I headed out and we all laughed and talked about how Jay felt like a blind man but were acting like moving his head would assist in him seeing. When we arrived I dropped off the cake and made it know I was upset that my guest had not been seated. But after talking to Jen we decided that yelling surprise outside was a better idea.

So I retrieved Jay from the car and gave a guess as to where we were, Olive Garden, I said no but I did take the most direct way there from his house and it was his favorite restaurant and they were playing music. I positioned him and pulled down his blindfold as 14 of his closest friends’ yelled surprise. He was thrilled to see that it was a really party in his honor and that he meant enough to people that we went out our way to make him happy.

It was truly a good time we ate told jokes, reminisced and caused a ruckus, some of us even learned how to play an Armonica using wine glasses. While two others realized, without a doubt why I did not like Zack Wilson.

The night ended and I and MeTo had a long ride back and he was not feeling too well not to mention I pissed him off a little. So we went on and Jay was so happy and thanked everyone over and over. It was my job as the best friend to make a big fuss out of certain moments and this one was no exceptions.

Most of the crew went out for drinks after and the next day while food shopping I got a call from Jay’s brother asking if Jay’s phone was working. It turned out that the kid had had so much fun the night before he was sleeping like a rock. His mother and brother wanted to deliver his cards but were very happy and very grateful to hear his birthday was truly happy in a year that was not so great.

Is This What I Want?

money,relationships,sex,love,secrets,truth,together,gay,happy,sad,ugle,sexy,honesty.

When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.

In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where  I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.

At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.

Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.

Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.

I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.

Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.

I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.

When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.

To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.

I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.

I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence?  Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.

A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.

As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.

I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.

He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.

The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.

We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.

I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.

 

Going, Going, Wait . . . Gone?

Victor S Bethea II says

Sometimes we get extremely lucky and find a love so perfect that it seems just way to easy to maintain.  Despite the easy and how happy both parties are you never know if the other is just pretending or if he or she has just been letting you do all the work.

It is quite possible that you or your significant other can wake up one day and just not feel it anymore. Whatever the reason it leaves one wondering, where did the love go?

My best friend in South Carolina just experienced this he went to bed and was in a happy relationship, when he woke up he found that he was single and in one of the most disturbing ways, a note left on the bed in the spot where his now ex was sleeping the night before. The explanation was simple yet confusing, “I am just not in love anymore.” Kind of cold considering the only thing keeping him in SC was his boyfriend.

I received a call and text asking that I call when I could. I called thinking it was a big emergency. I was quite shocked to hear that his boyfriend broke up with him. We went through all the questions as to why and did you see it coming. I was further shocked to find that Lou was totally taken by surprised. I must admit Lou can be dense but he can see a break up coming. I then asked based on the nature of the breakup if had a chance to talk to his now supposed ex and the answer was no.

A part of me was excited that with nothing holding Lou in SC he would come back to Philly but at the same time I did want things to work out so I focused on getting him to sit down and talk to him.

Later that day I saw Jay and told him what I had heard and I received another shocker for the day, Jay told me that he missed Lou not the nonsense that he would start but all the same he missed Lou. I gave him Lou’s number figuring that he needed as much support and advice as he could get. Not to mention Jay was in the process of figuring out which friends were keepers and which were looser.  I always felt that Jay and Lou should have stayed friends.

Later that night I get a call from jay and he tells me that he and Lou have quite the conversation and that Lou was going to talk to his ex. We both knew they would get back together. And sure enough the next day when I called Lou, he was no longer single. What happened I am not sure I will ever understand but I know this, love doesn’t disappear overnight.  

That Kind of July

new job

We are constantly told that we can never know what to expect in life. So many times we see this proven when we hope and or pray for one thing and then the total opposite happens. So many times in my life I have fallen victim to this. I was hopping and praying that my job at traction would turn into my dream job allowing me to make enough money so I could go to school at night then turn into my first client. However the opposite happened and I now find myself without a job.

How can I honestly say what went wrong I, by sheer magic, dodged getting fired once but the second time just seemed unavoidable.  I and my job were working to find my hitch and it looked like all was well but for some odd reason it just did not work and with no explanation came Monday I was without employment.

I can remember going back to my bedroom to tell MeTo the news and exhausted by it I went back to bed. I had nothing to worry about I never had to much trouble finding a job. I was just disappointed that I got no explanation as to why I was let go. All I had were my own intuitions, to many people found out about my sexuality, the president was unhappy with the fact I was not in sales, which was not my fault. I worked for this company almost 7 months and they failed to deliver on their initial terms and I found myself most day with nothing o do.

I had explained this to my boss along with my failure to understand the company’s workings. For the first time ever I felt anger towards my employer I was pissed that they decided to hire me based on what I could do and not what I could do for the company. My resume and cover letter are one of a kind and speak of only a small portion of who I am, they saw this and were impressed. The position I interviewed for was an assistant to the president, I was hired as a sales rep who act as an assistant for the general manager. The reason for this I was not Jewish and someone came in after me who was.  

I took the position only to prove that I was better suite by skill and not religion and then the other quit with out a word. I was left with having my job constantly redefined and projects thrown at me with out proper resources to complete them.

Needles to say I am looking for new employment and this was just icing on the cake of a July full of surprises.

Just Love

I know that at some point I will overdo it but understanding love is one of life's greatest lessons. From the time we are young we are convinced we love mommy because she loves us and she shows this by doing the things we need her to do. We then learn that another sign of her love is discipline she implements ways to show and tell us what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptably in the real world. At some point we stop thinking of her as a bitch for all the grounding and yelling and appreciate her for showing that she wants the best for us, mom's wants us to lead happy lives.

That is the lesson we learn from day one how to show and love your family. But how do we show and know we are in love with non-family. With our friends its easy in our minds we simply adopt them as family. We introduce them to our mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and extend family when appropriate. But then there is that “New Love” the love that is not there from day one the love that we never expected would just bite us in the ass. When we feel it and express to others that we are experiencing a new feeling we are asked if its infatuation. Mom will tell you “it is just infatuation your too young to know what love is.” but we know how to love Mommy we know how to love dad, grandma, grandpa and them other niggas we call family. Why is it we cannot tell the difference between love and infatuation right way, why can’t we learn those feelings from day one?

Why is it that some people marry their high school sweetheart while some never even have one. Why do some people go to college and meet their first husband when others jump from guy to guy never being serious. We go through middle school feeling horny for someone to touch us in that spot and we get to high school and many of us feel how good it is to be touched and then we know sex is good. We know the difference between just wanting sex and wanting to spend time with someone. But we still have to learn what love is.

Then the day comes when you become confused. You don't know if all you want is sex or more. If it is love for the first time of infatuation for the first time. Then there is that moment when you touch and you know you have a chance to walk away or go along for the ride. You know your heart is pumping and you start to sweat a little. You decide to go along for the ride and the whole roller coaster hurts and tickles. It makes you laugh and cry, hungry and full. There are times you cannot stop eating and times you fell you could go days without ever taking another bite. You want to call them but don't want to be over bearing you think about every action before you make a move. You’re in real love for the first time.

A very small select few marry their first loves others such as myself lose them. Most times it is no fault of our own. Sometimes they realize they could never feel the same way about us as we feel about them, sometimes they are in love with someone else, the scars of previous relationships prevent them from being happy, other times it’s just not meant to be. Family or background differences, religious and social beliefs are all the things we learn that will get in the way of love. Sometimes lack of experience will ruin what appears to be the perfect relationship and too much experience can do the same.

My point to all of this as we all have herd before “it’s better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all” however you must remember one lost love is not the end of the world playing the field is hard and can get old quite fast but just like the first time you fell in love you were not looking for it, it found you.

Learning Never Stops - Love

I know that at age 22 you are far from knowing it all. This of course means at age 22 you still have a lot to learn. What I did not know is that it all comes so quickly and you have less time to try and learn each lesson. It is like when you’re my age you have to become a pro at learning life lessons.

It would appear the current lessons that I am being forced to learn are lessons of the heart. I had no idea that in my few years I had become callused. I only loved 3 people romantically and some may say they do not count. There was my 7th grade sweetheart that I failed to realize I loved until it was too late. Eventually I moved on and accepted the fact I was young and dumb. To this day I strongly believe that had I stayed in touch we would have gotten married.

There was the guy I met on line and thought it was only a phase. I knew I loved him although we never saw each other in person. My heart broke when I was forced to stop talking to him. I was tormented when I tried to reconcile and he told me he wanted time to be single. I think a very tiny part of me died when I found out that he had gotten married and didn't bother to tell me.

Still I moved on and got over it as best I could. I dated guys I met on line and in clubs and I befriended ones that wanted more than friends. I even chased after guys I knew I could never have. Then the day came when I felt that chasing was over and I was to be in a decent relationship. Much to my chagrin it lasted only 5 weeks.  I did not think I would be heart broken when the day came, but All my friends did. Many of them tried to tell me it was love but I refused to believe. The day we decided to just be friends I had no idea that I was to join him on a road of heartache and pain. I had no idea that I was to follow 10 steps behind until my lesson was completely finished.

While we were dating I got a glimpse of my ex's ex. he looked like me but I of course was far better looking.  My ex then realized he was not over his ex and trying to have a relationship with me was not fair to me. So he called it off and we decided to be just friends.

I had decided getting some notches in my headboard would be a good way to get over being dumped for the first time. Then one night I met this therapist who could not help but analyze me, not in a boring you are this and that type of way but after conversing he simply pointed out things that I should have already known. He crushed my dream boyfriend description and told me I would never find a guy who lived up to it. Which made me think about the only boyfriend I ever dated that lasted more than two weeks and how he almost had none of the qualities on my list. I thought long and hard as to why I allowed him to be an exception. Put plainly I fell in love and didn't know it. I fell in love with a guy I should not have and while my heartache to see him pinning over a guy who crushed him, I was doing the same.

No matter how hard I tried to show him that I was ready to give him the world he still couldn't help trying to get over whatever. I was just beginning to understand love.

My roommate had called off her wedding. The groom was one of my best friends and I could not understand why he was so heartbroken and found it difficult to get over her. In my mind I though him weak and thought he was the cause of his own heartache. Now I know.

My mother recently filed for divorce from my stepfather. For years I suggested she just walk away and severs all ties for a brief while or divorces him. She seemed powerless to do so in my mind it seemed easy, if one could only take their heart out of it long enough.

How does one control their heart? Why did I think my mother and friend were weak? They were simply victims. Victims of loving the wrong people and while my ex and I are on this road of becoming free of our exes I am learning that love is not rainbows and butterflies. It makes you angry, depressed, confused, vengeful, bitter, bewildered and sometimes delighted. If love was all bad or all good who would bother looking for it. Everybody knows a little drama spices things up and adds romance to make it all worthwhile.

I used to hope my ex would see the light and fall in love with me, but now I just wish that he sees his ex is not worth the love and time he wanted to give and can live free of that hold.

As for me I hope I learn the lesson of this road soon and can find the guy I have dreamed about. I also hope the next lesson is not as intense. 

An Important Night

His name was Jason. Victor and he had been talking for more than 6 months by June after his 21st birthday. It was fitting that they finally met. Victor talked to Jason on a regular basis since he moved back in with his mother and felt that he was really getting to know him and from what Victor knew he liked Jason a lot.

One day victor decided to make his house calls and visit his family. While at his aunts house he called Jason to see what he was doing and if tonight would be a good night to meet.

Jason recently was convicted of a DUI and had no license so he and a few of his friends were going to a local bar called Raven in New Hope Pennsylvania. Victor reminded Jason that he had a car and was willing to drive. And drive victor did 50 min from his current location to meet not only Jason but his friends.

Once at the bar victor called Jason and looked around. He immediately felt out of place when he noticed he got a few stares. Jason grabbed him and pulled him over to where his fiends were and the normal round of “hi my name is,” began. It took a little while for Victor to realize that the bar was infect a gay bar, and that was why he got the stares.

Victor could not help but flirt with Jason’s friend Rich. Rich started it and Victor loved the attention. Yet Victor tried to keep it to a minimum as he came to see Jason who did not seam to look all to interested. The conversation carried on and the jokes were tossed and laughter rang out, the sound that indicated the night and summer were just beginning.

While laughing and using body language to flirt a gentlemen came over to introduce himself. A blond haired fellow of about five foot ten, found the perfect break in conversation to say “Hi my name is Mike and my friend over there really thinks your cute and we were wondering if it's OK with your friends if we bought you a drink and you come over to chat a little bit.”

Victor gave a look at the group and they encouraged him with their looks of approval to go on. What perfect timing, Victor had just finished his kamikaze and the buzz was at its peak, a feeling that Victor had recently come to enjoy.

Victor sat down next to Mike’s friend who looked to be nervous as all hell and the round of “hi my name is,” commenced once more. To get the ball rolling the quest “Where are you from?” was asked. And when Victor saw that the guy he was brought over to meet was fidgeting and quiet he tried to get him to speak.

“So M, where are you from?” At once he noticed that no one lived locally except Mike but even he was a good rid away. While Victor found M’s fidgeting charming his friends kept telling him to sit still.

M left to go to the bathroom and came back less than a min latter to tell everyone that he couldn't because someone was staring at him. A few minuets Victor had to go and M Suggested that Victor go across the street to their motel’s bathroom. A little alarmed but self assured he went. On the walk over M began to open up. They made small talk and exchanged phone numbers. In the Motel room they did not as much as stand with in 3 feet of each other.

Victor found himself to be little torn as he liked Jason but was unsure how far this was going to go with M. He knew a kiss would be as far as it could go but was this kiss going to happen with Jason or M?