To Be, or Not To Be?

Before I made the decision to date there was one guy who seemed he wanted to spend a lot of time with me. He worked at Woody’s when we finally met in person and after our initial meeting we would bump into each other in the Gayborhood and make out sessions would commence.

I thought it was a younger guy thing. I had always dated older guys up to this point and every man I dated would wait till we were secluded before going in for a kiss. I felt like I was in High School again, except this time I was making out with a guy. Soon he quit his job and his fallback fell through and we saw less of each other.  

Each meeting was the same until one night he actually came home with me and I was disappointed. He went from being this masculine tall guy with a mini af fro that I had made out with before to having micros which did not suite him. The sex was boring, it was no fun and felt like it was just going to go all night so I went to sleep.

I latter contacted him about hanging out and he told me he now had a boyfriend. I found it odd that this guy had a boyfriend. We had talked and he was not looking for anything serious and he was not going out because he did not have a job and he still had no job but now he was serious about someone else. He gave me the whole I hope we can be friends thing. I thought about it, to be friends or not to be. Here is a guy who has little time for anyone, no job, and suddenly a boyfriend.

The old me would have tried to maintain a relationship the new me, decided to write him off.  

I AM JUST MAD. Tired of this shit.

There used to be a lot that pissed me off. I hated almost everything my parents did, I hated being ignored, being lied too, let down, put in situations that I could not control. I hated people who called me a friend then would talk about be behind my back. People who were my friend one day then my enemy the next, I hated trying to fit in, I hated school, I hated homework and test, I hated cleaning, I hated having to cook, I hated boring family functions I hated, a lot. 

Then the day came when I started to learn plenty of useful things and while I tried to hold onto my family I learned how friends were more important. I learned how rewarding it was to keep a clean room, I learned how things tasted better when you made them yourself. I learned that there was more than one way to was a shirt and that washing it the right way meant it lasted longer and looked better. I learned that doing things yourself meant they got done when they needed to be done. I learned that not all schools were the same and that an A on your homework would help get an A on your test and the A on your test made them almost worthwhile.

I learned a lot of things about life and non of the important things learned at home from family. I learned on my own or from teachers or friends. I thought that family was supposed to nurture you and help you grow into a decent person. I learned as a child that mom and dad were always proud of you as long as you tried your best, they then taught me that my best was not good enough. 

Why is it at 24 years of age I am still struggling with all the stuff that I should have learned as a teenager? When I felt bad I had to blast music to feel better, HIM, Garbage, Beethoven, Bach and I spent many a night and weekend alone in my room trying to clean it, do homework or forget what happened in the living room with my step father, or the dining room with my mother, or what my so called friends said and did to me that week. 

I am hurt and traumatized and the only thing that would honestly help is if I got an apology, a simple I’m sorry. It hurts that for years I maintained a relationship with certain people in hopes that things would get better yet when things got bad I was blamed for the past, I was left out and each time it only caused more and more scars.

I want out, so many teens have committed suicide and I wish I could one of the guys to honestly say, it gets better, but dose it? My family did not stand behind me, when things got bad I got yelled at, I was judged, I was told to clean my room. I have so many bad memories and all the while I was prevented from making friends, I hung with my cousins or I hung with no one. I played in front of the house or I stayed in. I did stuff at the church or I did homework. My childhood was taken from me by the very people who were supposed to give it to me.

I want to give over it but my heart won’t let me, my head says its over and life gets better but it dosen’t. I am making 8 dollars an hour at 24 at a part time job the best I can get. Why is this so if life gets better. Suicide seems like a great idea and to this day no one will or can give a reason as to why I should honestly go on. Life doesn't get better for the ones who’s parents don’t support them. 

I hate to say it but offing yourself is the most logical excuse. Why go through life with all the sadness of growing up among people who refuse to help you better yourself for the sake of bettering yourself? Why life a life of minimum wage when you know you deserve better? Why should anyone care? There is so much that people can do to make a person’s life just a little better but we live in a selfish world where people rather make more money that make another person’s life better. The economy is heading into the toilet and the rich don’t care because they are rich, the poor don’t care because they are trying to survive. 

By definition I am sad person with a really good mask, I smile to hid my pain, I take vitamins because it’s the only thing I can afford to prevent me from killing myself. And as hard as I try when I look at my life I don’t see a good reason to go on. Yes I have a fiancee but I am being supported I have no independence. I am supposed to go to school with no money I can only afford one semester a year and how I am supposed to pay for books is still out there. 

My point is I have been struggling all my life to have just a small piece of what everyone else has and has been willing to help. I have befriended people who are in the same boat and all I can say is I have yet to see proof the it gets better. Sure it gets better if mom and dad are there for you, it gets better if you have money but for poor gay black boys from the ghetto who’s Mom hates them and has never stood up to say I was wrong and sorry it simply just doesn’t happen.

All Backd Up, A Big One

I know you, my readers have been wondering where the hell I have been and what I have been up to.  I know that it is not like me to just stop blogging without some kind of heads up.  I know that the juicy details of my life are quite entertaining and that some of my posts have even been inspirational.  Well I have to tell yah that you have not seen anything yet.

The life of Vixc B has been anything but boring these past few weeks. I have had two jobs, a party, and a fight with MeTo.  There were several cab rides and met many new people.  Just when I thought, I got a grip on my life and was settling down to enjoy a little autopilot.  Trips were planned and I was reminded that in less than a week I am turning 24.  Heard to believe that my 24th birthday is right in the middle of so much happening in my life that I am not planning anything big, but when you hear about all that I have been up to and all that is, coming you won’t blame me.  I just hope I have time to keep my loyal reader abreast.

A Productive Saturday

As it would turn out last Saturday was quite productive.  My day started with MeTo waking me early so we could go to Torah study at temple. The night before, at Shul, the rabbi encouraged us once again to come on Saturday morning.  This time we had no excuse to get out of it.  I admittedly wanted to go but it was at 9:30 in the morning.  Now we all know that 9:30 is not very early on a normal day, but on a Saturday, my traditional day of rest, it was ungodly.  Much to my surprise however when MeTo woke me I was ready to go.  I donned some clothes and we were on our way fashionably late. I did not feel too bad as I was told many people show up late.

We got there and it did not take long before there were introductions and I was of course the only black person.  On top of it I did not have time to do my hair so I threw on a headband, which made me look gay, for 9:30 on a Saturday morning nevertheless I did not care what anyone thought, I was there.

Soon the rabbi asked me to read and I shocked myself at how well I did, no mistakes and it was clear there was not a hint of nervousness in my voice.  After I was done, we picked up with the discussions which felt great, it was simply a group of people disusing the whys and why not-s of the bible. The rabbi was there, gave good feedback, and not once made anyone feel small about an extremely interesting or odd interpretation.  It was also great not to hear Satan given as an excuse for everything that went wrong.

One of the most refreshing things about the Jewish faith is the fact that Satan is not really, present.  Discussions are about how G-d acts in our lives and how we allow or refuse his assistance.  The burden to be good is placed completely on the individual and you never hear a Jew say, “The devil made me do it,” or “The devil came and tempted me.”  

There was a bagel promise as “incentive” for people to come; our friend told us that after torah study there are bagels and coffee.  So afterwards, we went to the media room where all the Saturday classes met to have bagels and socialize.  We met a few people had some good discussions and then was on our way.

 

After several attempts to stop, the error messages from showing on my laptop, which was running Vista, I finally decided that it was time to upgrade to Windows 7.  I was not happy with windows and to be honest I really wanted something else.  However, all the programs I have are windows based and I am not sure if I could find good enough equivalents to run on Linux.  Therefore, I backed up my favorite files and began what I was shocked into believing was a simple upgrade and not install 7 as a new OS like MeTo and our roommate had to do.

Little had I known that the update would take all day!  Once it started, I sat by my desk and read my book, Swish.  I was quite impressed with myself.  I really thought I would not make my deadline but by the end of the day, I finished all but one chapter, which I should finish today.

I decided that the perfect thing to fix that tart apple pie, I made earlier that week, would be some Carmel sauce, which was so amazing I am going to include it in my cookbook.  I also got my desk reorganized and did my best to force myself to remain productive, success.

My book for February came in the mail as well my Amish pie cookbook.  I then did some dishes and wrote out the grocery list.  Once the update was finished around 10:30 at night I began moving and deleting files things.  I installed the last program that I was working on and much to my delight there were only a few kinks that needed to be worked out.  I set my computer to defrag and shut down when done and I went to bed at two in the morning.

For the month of February, this is what you can expect on top of your typical Vixc B reading.  I have decided to add to the monthly book review a biweekly Gay movie review, no pun intended, so I will watch at least two gay movies a month and report back to you weather it is worth watching and why or why not.  Each week you can also expect a recipe that I have created myself.  I think this will make all the other reading more interesting in conjuncture as you will get to hear about my struggles and frustrations throughout the week to perfect a recipe and then benefit from the fruits of my labor at the end of the week.

Therefore, until next time this is Vixc B reminding you, being gay is not so simple.

So, Its a Big Deal.

Last Friday MeTo and I went to Philadelphia to celebrate our one-year anniversary.  We had a lovely evening planned.  We would go to the Franklin institute have dinner at the Brazilian steak house and then wonder around the city until it was time to part ways.
I had to stay behind because my sister was leaving for college on Sunday and I promised her I would drive with her up there. MeTo had to meet his mother back at our place, the two of them were then going to go upstate to help dad close the house for the rest of winter.
The day did not start as planned we got to the city a little latter then we should have, mostly my fault, and that left us with only two hours to spend in the museum before it closed.  We made the most of it and it turned out two hours was more than enough.
After the museum, we went to a restaurant called Chime, a Brazilian steak house.  MeTo thought he was going to pay for the entire day, but as I felt that was improper and unfair I took care of the museum and allowed him to pay for dinner in short we paid for the parts of the night we picked.
We ended up being a half hour early for the restaurant and took some time to simply take in the city.  We walked past the Comcast tower and went to a 7 eleven to grab me a candy bar.  When the time came, we were excited to eat and I had a blast with the exception of one minor detail.  My head began to hurt and before I knew I had a migraine all before, I realized I had aspirin in my bag.
After dinner, the night was young and we decided to go to a quiet spot.  Q lounge, which was formally bump, was the first thing to pop in my mind.  I knew at that time of day it would be perfect to just sit, talk, and have a good time without all the rowdiness that could be the gayborhood.
I offered to buy him a drink and he passed by saying, “Not right now.”  I was unsure what he was waiting for but we sat and talked for a brief while and before I knew it I was being thanked for all the help I gave during his proposal but he informed me that his PhD proposal defense was not the one he was worried about. After trying to pull what he was talking about out of him, he pulled a red box out of his pocket.  One final question from he and me then asked, “Will you marry me.”
I was stunned and gave it a quick thought and said, “Yes.” I was completely taken off guard and felt like I needed time to think and digest what happened alone.  It was not long before the waiter figured what happened and informed us that he had just taken his ring off a few months ago. I was shocked at the ring not what I expected and yet I was wearing it. My stomach was in knots and my head was throbbing while the aspirin did nothing.  I so wanted to just run to my mom’s and talk to my sister but I did all that a new fiancé is supposed to do.  I showed the ring to all those who asked to see it and had our picture taken in the bar.  He was relieved that I said yes and I was simply in shock.
When the night finally ended, we both went to Market East train station and waited for our separate trains.  He had to meek his mom to go upstate and I had to go with my parents to take my sister to college.
I got home and I told my sister what happened she was in awe, I still was in shock.  We talked about her life and a few things in my life and my head and stomach was just getting worse.  She joked and told me to take the ring off; I was having a Carrie moment. I drank some water and went to sleep.
The first thing I did when I woke was put the ring on and got started with my day.  My sister and I then went to KOP Mall in hopes that shopping would clear my head. I called jay and told him what happened who then patched Tia in and they were thrilled, I still in shock told them how it happened and then we talked about my shock.  A whole day of shopping with my sister and a new outfit and still was not where I should have been.  MeTo called me, I received congratulations from my future in-laws, and we chatted about how our days went.
I made plans to tell my other friends when we went out that night.  On the way I called my cousin Tiffany, she was excited, and I was no longer in shock.  I became more excited at the idea of getting married.  The whole day was filled with ideas of being the first to get married went through my head and tell my mother and planning a wedding and finally my head stopped and my heart took over.
I made a stop at my grandmother’s and told her and my aunt and while my aunt was excited, my grandmother tried to hide her disappointment.  I then met my friends, Dan and Lou were on time and I could not wait to tell them they were excited like everyone else and I told them how I was in shock for a good while and then I just now fell in love with my ring.
Phil showed and he was excited as well and I showed my ring to everyone that asked.  Two hours later Jay joined us at Q and I regaled my friends with the story one last time and we drank almost 40 dollars and were merry, it was a night to remember.
The next day I called MeTo and told him about the night and he was happy for me.  I have no idea why I went through what I went through but I am happy to say I am talking plans for the day when I marry the Sexiest, sweeties, loving man in the entire world.  I got my fairytale.

It Takes a Love Letter (Missing Week Pt.2)

MeTo and I had dinner Friday night to talk about the necessary steps we were going to take in order to save our relationship. It was not that we were in danger of breaking up but we had got to a point where we both realized things had to change for both our sanities’ sake.

We met on South Street and had a nice dinner at a German restaurant; it was the first time I went to a restaurant of that type.  The food was great but the conversation was not filled with cool hot topics.  We talked about every aspect of our relationship and what we could do to repair it. The conversation lasted the entire dinner.

I have to admit I did meet him with a little contempt I was not happy that he insisted on dealing with this now.  But the end of our conversation I did feel we were on the road to progress.  He got to know me a little better and I found out how he felt about me a little better.

We latter decided to grab a drink from Q lounge, I was dying to see what the new placed looked like.  It was clear that he was feeling better about the situation but I was still not in the mood to be all lovey dovey.  As the night progressed so did the time and b4 we knew it was too late for him to get back home safely.

I called Kim to see if we could crash at her place and I got her voice mail, so I sent her a text.  To my surprise, she called me while we were in 12 Air and I explained to her what was going on and she was in the city and decided to come pick us up.

Kim and MeTo hit it off and I was happy that they seemed to get along really well.  We chatted for a little bit once we got to her house then I just passed out. In the morning, she and her new roommate had to go to a meeting.  While they were out MeTo and I relaxed and got a little touchy, feely I was not in the mood but I pretended to be for his sake.

He later wanted to go out to eat so I texted Kim and asked if she and her roommate wanted to go to Denny’s she told me that we would all go to this other one that she liked a lot.  The dinner was cool and the food was excellent.  I was shocked to see that all she ordered was oatmeal. She then dropped us off at the Chester transportation center where MeTo and I took the R2.  I got off at my stop and he continued to center city so he could go back home.

I was somewhat happy to see him go.  I needed time to digest what we talked about and for him to show me he meant what he said.

I got to my mom’s and watched a movie with her and my step dad.  The rest of the day just went slow and I packed to go to my grandmother’s.  The next day I was going with them to my father’s grace to pay respects for his birthday.  I thought it stupid but I went to make my grandmother happy.

I got to my grandmother’s just as my aunt was leaving for work and we all chatted for a brief stent. I then went to watch TV.  While I was watching MeTo called and decided to read me a love letter that I had written him, it was the one I wrote after he threw me the surprise party.  When he finished reading I remembered the feelings I had when I wrote it and was reminded how much he still means to me, more today than yesterday.  I finally started to miss him as I was supposed to be.  After watching two and a half movies, I called it a night and went to bed.  I hated the fact that he was not there for me to cuddle with.  It took a while but I went to sleep.

The next morning I was dressed and left with my family for the long drive to my father’s cemetery.  Immediately after getting back, I had my aunt take me to the EL and I was on my way back to MeTo a day early. On the first of November.  

A Phone Call

phone call,relationship,MeTo,Vixc b,Philly,aunt LAB

So, MeTo called me and wanted to discuss our relationship, rather to tell me that he was coming down the next day so we could go out and talk about us.  I was shocked to see that he was the one calling me.  To be very honest I did not want to talk to him, especially after what happened earlier.

While I was on the trolley to go see my aunt, MeTo called me.  I was shocked to see it was he and answered, he told me he wanted to talk.  When I asked about what he was very vague and said, “Stuff.”  I tried to get him to be more specific.  He began talking about our relationship.  I thought to myself, “I thought we both agreed, this week was about me.”

I could never understand why he could not just let me be, leave our relationship alone until I got back from dealing with me.  When I got to my aunt, I told her about what was going on.  She was very understanding much to my surprise and she was able to see things from both perspectives.  She enforced what I was thinking about MeTo and, she helped me to see what I was feeling.

Her suggestion was to talk about everything with him and get on the same page.  I must admit everyone I talk to dose not want the two of us to break up.  I was considering calling it quits but she told me not to just yet and no matter how bad I make the situation seem everyone tells me to hang in there.

So tomorrow me to and I will have dinner to hash things out.  I had wanted the entire week to be a me week.  One where I could gain perspective on the situation, how I was feeling and what I wanted.

I did figure out that I am smarter when it comes to relationships than I thought and I do have a greater plane for my life than I had imagined.  I realized all of this while talking to my aunt.  She learned from me and me her despite the serious age difference.  However, that goes to show you that you are never too old and never too young to teach and to learn.

New (Gross) Study: Most Men Don't Wash Hands After Bathroom - BY L. K. REGAN

PUBLISHED OCT 30, 2009

Here's some news that will make you think twice about the casual handshake: British researchers have found that less than a third of men wash their hands after using the toilet. In these days of swine flu pandemic, that's a pretty scary statistic. Worse yet, the researchers found there are few ways to persuade guys to clean up their act.

The British study, published in the American Journal of Public Health, depended on a devilishly simple design: place sensors in bathrooms at service stations on British highways. These sensors were set to survey the water-and-soap behavior of the quarter of a million or so people who came through in the course of 32 days of observation. The researchers were hoping to find that people dutifully scrub their hands with soap after each visit—since, as the study authors write, "Hand-washing with soap has been ranked the most cost-effective intervention for the worldwide control of disease." In fact, if people would wash regularly with soap and water, over a million deaths from diarrheal diseases per year might be prevented. And that's not to mention that the CDC recommends hand washing as one of the most effective ways of slowing the spread of the swine flu pandemic.

Sadly, the study's results were not particularly auspicious. Less than a third of the men and two-thirds of the women who passed through the bathrooms during the study washed their hands with soap and water after using the toilet. So, researchers tried presenting bathroom users with a variety of messages to try to impact those statistics, and find out what motivates people to wash up. Electronic message boards at the bathroom entrances flashed a variety of hand-washing warnings, allowing the researchers to see which messages impacted behavior within the bathroom.

The messages showed a full range of approaches to hand-washing. Some were gentle reminders of the facts of hygiene; for instance, "Water doesn't kill germs, soap does." Others were more, well, explicit—for example, "Don't take the loo with you—wash with soap." Men and women differed in their behavioral responses to the messages. Women reacted best to the basic reminders that they ought to wash. Men, however, responded best to the gross-out effect, with messages like, "Soap it off or eat it later."

Not surprisingly, the most effective message overall involved shame and peer pressure. "Is the person next to you washing with soap?", when flashed on the board, got 12 percent more hand washing out of men and 11 percent more from the women. So the next time you're in the bathroom, wash your hands with soap and warm water (rubbing the soap into your hands for long enough to sing the alphabet through twice—that's about 20 seconds). It's the best thing you can do today for your own health and that of everyone you encounter through the day. And if the guy next to you isn't using soap, make sure he sees you staring!

Don’t Cross Vixc B

Vixc b,ex,breakup,boyfriend,loss,anger,revenge,apology,past,sorry

Today I brought back to life an old project that I once wanted to work on a few years ago. I was shocked to find that the project required me to talk about my ex Mr. M. I am not sure but I have a strong feeling that he is still vaguely in my life for a reason.  Sure he is almost 3000 miles away and we hardly ever talk to each other. I read his blog every now and then because it makes me feel great to know that while my life is going in a positive direction he is having trouble finding a job just lost the man who he thought was the love of his life after he gave him hell and is sad to be miles away from all he knows.

I know it is not the Christian way but it’s the human condition. In the process of writing about my past I realized that I still don’t have an answer to an important question. When he broke up with me he could not leave it at just that he asked if we could still be friends. To be exact he said, “I would like it if we could still be friends.”

I to this day cannot make since of it. He and I had nothing in common. We lived 2 hours away from each other, I was a light drinker, light smoker and preferred to keep drugs out of my life.  He took pride in the fact he was a heavy drinker, he liked smoking and did pot, he took pills and liked to dress as a fairy every now and then. I used British slang and he hated it. He was the tit for tat type of guy and was the all is fare in love and war. He welcomed dram and I cut drama queens out my life. So why stay friend with me?

I picked up my phone and before I knew it I was on the second ring. I realized that this was a very bad Idea. Before he had made a trip to Philly we were talking frequently and decided to make a point to hang out. As the day neared I got no call and have not heard from him since. After the bad blog I wrote calling him ever negative gay name in the book. He wrote me a letter which stated between the lines that he only wanted to be friends when it was convent for him. It hurt to imagine that someone would imply that but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and his actions or lack thereof proved it.

I want to cut him out my life, but I feel some kind of attachment to him. I know he was my first official love and all but at some point a person should feel the need to let go. I just don’t understand and I guess I still want answers to questions that only he can answer.

I am a real friend and all my friends agree. If you ask me for advice I tell you what you need to hear, not want to hear. If you need me for something I am there, if I can help you out I will and there has not been a person I have ever called friend that I have not done that for.

Mr. M keeps me at a distance, no matter how much I let him in he refuses to be my real friend. I have done things for him and they remain unreturned, I have given him advice only to have him respond negatively when I came to him. To be honest I think I just may hate him and want to inflict my own damage upon him. No matter how bad things in his life get they are not as bad as I want them to be. Maybe if I ran him over in a car, or stabbed him, they seem like good ideas but that hurts him physically and I want to hurt him emotionally. When I found out what happened to him and Joe I felt it was not good enough.  I want him to either realize the effect of his actions on me and truly apologize or to suffer.

That’s just it, and I refuse to cut him out my life until justice is served. I want Karma or Vixc B to do its best and worse in his life and I want him to realize it to late.  

 

Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

The art of "Talking"

dirty talk,sex talk,sex,gay sex,talking,party,sex party

As one would have it, holding a conversation is not a casual thing. There are times we are forced into having a conversation. Such as when we meet someone new that we find to be dull, or when we are forced to be the only person left in the room with that family member we do not like, that insist upon asking about school, or work. We all have moments that we just wish we could be somewhere else or with someone else.

Then there are those conversations that we must have with our significant other. We talk about money, the future, what we want for dinner, or plan to do something when we are bored. Many times in a healthy relationship we will find that, that conversation can lead to sex and how it does is more than interesting.

Some guys will use dirty talk as a segue to the main event or events if you’re lucky. While sometimes dirty talk can be just that, the main event. The art of dirty talk seems to be one that is fallen by the way side. I used to be good at it, I could use my words to get both men and women off, but like with most skills it’s a matter of using it or losing it.

Dirty talk is a very complicated thing, which artfully displayed in SATC episode 202. We see Miranda persuaded to get into dirty talk by her boyfriend. She gets into it but when she says the wrong thing her mans leaves her, single again. It makes people wonder what some good sex talk tactics are. Most of us live in a world where avoiding the bad three, is so old school. At dinner parties we love it when the ice is broken and we can all talk about Sex, Politics and religion. When we add convo about contraband and alcohol it really becomes a party. We enjoy talking and hearing about each others’ sexcapades. It’s in the joy of these moments that we learn a lot about the person we are currently sleeping with. Sometimes it’s exciting while other times it’s a little shocking.

“You did what? With who? When?” the questions and the conversation is no longer simple, we have to pay attention to our partners tone and inflection on every word of the story to figure out if what they did was a fun experience or a nightmare. Once you have figured out which stories are good and which are bad, and when you know how they feel about your stories you can now mix it up.

You can try the things you both had an interest in but never actually introduced to the bedroom because you just did not see the other as that freaky. Then you can insinuate with your dirty talk what you are willing to try. Never just come out and say, “I wanna handcuff you to the bed and eat whipped cream off you, like your ex did.” And even if you leave off the, “like your ex did,” the conversation could bring back the night that you had the conversation and they then will think about the ex, and shit just got a whole lot more complicated.

Instead you can say, “I wanna tie you up and lick you all over.” They will really have to stretch their mind to get the, “Like your ex did.” As the conversation continues you can add elements like cherries or strawberries which will lead to the whipped cream.

The goal is to leave your partner wanting to hear your next line. If they can’t think of anything to say they should be able to say, “Oh yes and then what.” Then if you lead it with a “You start doing (whatever)” it should not be long before you dirty talk leads to sex, if that’s the goal, or you can end your conversation by changing the subject.

Dirty talk is fun and it helps you to not only work on your communication skills but also your creativity. I guess I still got it. Typically MeTo and I just call each other names during sex not too much dirty talk, but to each his own and if you like it I love it.  

Fags and Drama. Again!

What is it that makes gay men and drama go hand and hand? I honestly cannot stand it anymore. My best friend Jay and I have had some issues and we never have made a big deal out of it. It was always “let’s get over this ASAP so we can go back to having fun.” Why doesn't the rest of the Gay world work this way?

Mr. MeTo and I are in love and we hate to deal with drama. We learned how to talk not argue we are now going on ten months and have only had one fight several disagreements but only one fight and the fight and make up took about two hours.

So I have 4 gay best friends, a boy friend a mother who disapproves on of me being gay and then all my other family members. Out of all those people none of them give me as much drama as the people I simply chat with every now and then. I am constantly giving advice on issues that simply are not advice worthy, and they pick fight with me over the dumbest of things. When I try to correct the issue instead of being direct or answering yeas or no questions with a yes or no they rather beat around the bush and prolong the dramatic discussion to the point where I say, “Fuck it, when your over it let me know.” I have no room for drama.

I can’t help but find it fascinating. I am friend with people who have next to no money, don’t get along with family members, are struggling with school, constantly going through guys and it the people who could easily be happy that run down my text messaging, run down y monthly minutes, light up mu aim and msn with stupid shit. And to top it all off when I ask them for advice they don’t know shit.

So this is dedicated to all the Drama Fags. I don’t have time or energy, when your done with the bull call me but until then. I’m busy with being a grown up.

No Cross Dressing Allowed!

Most recently I read an article about a how an all male college has cracked down on cross dressing. The article was a nice short read that was written from an unbiased perspective. The article gave the facts and spoke briefly of how some of the parties involved fell about it.

I have to admit having gone to an all male high school there are certain things that people expect of the graduates. I remember my freshmen year and seeing how many of the students bent the rules, wearing pajama pants to school because a belt was not part of the dress code. I enjoyed having a dress code. Many of my friends went to schools where they had a uniform and many of them liked it just as much if not more.

One of the joys in having a dress code is that it creates a uniform atmosphere without making it look or feel plain or unordinary. I was able to match my shirts with my paints how I saw fit and could use my ties and blisters to express myself. All the student body either did not mind or enjoyed the dress code as it allowed room for individuality and made getting dressed in the morning easier.

The pluses to having a dress code clearly outweigh the negatives for both the individual student, the entire student body and all school employees.

Now this private all male institution put a ban on Cross dressing while on campus and at college sponsored events. I cannot really have qualm with this ban as when one has made the choice to be in an all male environment  it is safe to express one’s self but within reasonable means. Cross dressing is something that makes even gay men uncomfortable at times. In a world where homosexuality is being slowly accepted it is necessary to show that we are not different from others. To many times people take things to the extreme and it creates controversy and misunderstandings.

A gay man starts to wear dresses every chance he gets, he is representing the gay community some people who never have contact with a homosexual until this have only one real impression of being gay. Now this same person has a family member who decides to come out of the closet. Their only idea of a gay man is not a positive one and all they can see is how this person is going to be “Different” and have trouble in life.

I am not saying that ignorance is an excuse to be intolerable of anything but when you have people constantly casting negative light on something and being a poor representative, all future parties must be understanding of this.

The women rights movement worked hard at trying to prove that women are equal to men it took years and is still fighting to move forward but if a woman decides to preach that a wife’s place is in the kitchen like the old stereotype says then the movement is set back. Now if a gay man decides to flaunt the fact that he is not only gay but likes the fact that he fits into the traditional stereotype of what a homosexual man is  we can not be angry that it is taking time for homosexuals to be accepted completely into society.

There is nothing wrong with a man preaching, “Men should act like men.” It’s not sexist if he is willing to be friend a homosexual.  I know that some guys cannot help but act feminine it’s their nature and even they are being accepted but to mix cross dressers and transsexuals in with ordinary people who are gay is not fair and to act the world to do so is wrong.

Society has dictated gender rolls and while man and woman has been amended to include equal right and homosexuality, the gender of a guy who acts like a female and dresses like a female fits into the category of if “if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck.”

And if a man wants to live as a female why should he be afforded the same privileges of both sexes? All male schools should remain all male schools. All Female schools should remain all female. By mixing in people who are in the middle mental and allowing them to act as in the middle individuals despite the reasons that single gender institutions exist.

Now this ban dose not infringe on ones freedom of speech, expression, or individuality. As these young men are still allowed to pick what they where and discuss issues that they want to when it is appropriate. Every day in the real world we all deal with the restrictions that are put on basic human rights so that we and those that we are around are protected.

I am a gay man who supports this as this ban has been put in place to create a higher standard of excellence in all its students, the reputation of the school and the dose not infringe greatly on the basic human rights of each student.  Not to mention if any student doesn't like it they do not have to attend that school as it is not a public institution.

While some people may disagree with me, think long and hard about what has really happened and is it a really something worth fighting over?

Dont be what you eat.

Recently I found out that without a doubt my best friend from high school is not only gay but a total ass hole. While it seems odd to me because he was such a nice guy back then, he has totally cut all of his friends in the greater Philadelphia area off. Yesterday when I went to check my A4A account, I have it only to make friends; I noticed that I was set to the Philadelphia view. In the last frame I saw a picture that looked quite familiar so I clicked on it. Much to my surprise but no shock it was a family member of my mother’s side of the family. I had seen this person in the club and yet at family functions he has been a total ass hole not only to me but many other family members. I am out to all my family and I am very big in the Philadelphia gay social scene. One would think that if you have a secret you would befriend the only person who can blow the whistle on you. For those of you who are curious as to who this person is simply go back and read the violet blog, no surprise it’s him.

I don’t understand this way of thinking, people come out of the closet and decide to be total ass holes to the very people that will love and support them no matter what. I have had to deal with many of my mother’s family members judging me and feeling like my life is falling further and further away because many don’t approve, and this whole time one person could have been there making it a little easier but chose not to. I will admit I should feel some kind of pain but I am over it. I now have one up on this person and while my best friend used to be a great guy, to the gay community of Philadelphia he is known as an ass hole and that is not a good way to come out the closet. And as for my cousin he will not know true happiness until he accepts what he is and stops lurking in the shadows.

New Profile - About ME

Back in 2007 I came out of the closet and found my new life to be riddled with many difficult issues. All the friends that I hung out with on a regular basses I worked with, were significantly older than I was, and straight. Although I had received lots of support from my friends, none of them could really relate to me. I began to look to my boyfriend at the time, Mr. M for support but he was far from supportive. He ended up braking up with me after five weeks due to issues you can read about in The Indigo Life. I didn’t know it at the time but time to be single was exactly what I needed.

I began going to the clubs and learning what the gay stereotypical gay scene was like. It was boost to my self-esteem as I got hit on a lot and realized I liked to dance in clubs. It was not before long that I began making friends.

Shortly after Mr. M and I split I was invited to the birthday party of a friend’s friend. It was amazing how fast we hit things off dancing in the club and I was fitting right in and we all exchanged numbers, before long my friend’s friend was my best friend Jay. For almost a year we did everything together and we opened up to each other in ways I had longed to do with another person my entire life.

Through Jay I met his exes Phil and Lou and while Phil did not like me at first it was not long before we were hanging out on our own. I had dated Lou after Jay did for about two weeks it was after that that we decided we made better friends.

As for my friend Tia, our token lesbian, Jay has known her since he was two and she is a totally awesome person, we are close but with time we will get closer.

There were friends I gained and lost along the way and there while there was a falling out with my longest friend we are in the process of reconciliation.

Back in 2008 I came up with a new concept for my blog and how I look at the gay life. I was tired of overly feminine colors and the stereotypes that get associated with anything gay. I realized that the “Gay Life” is something that is constantly misunderstood by Hetero- and Homo- sexuals alike. But I still wanted my blog to have a gay theme and stand out from the others. After giving it some thought I realized that the color indigo is quite a misunderstood color, many people thinking that it’s a shade of blue or a shade of purple when in fact it is its own color having four separate shades.  It also happened to be the only color not on the gay flag and I hate that rainbow symbol. So I titled my blog The Indigo Life in attempt to help others to see what the real gay life is about.

I now live in New Brunswick NJ with my Boyfriend that I refer to as Mr. MeTo. I am in love and while being single for two years gave me a lot to write about in regards to finding love and keeping friends. Being in a relationship is giving me a lot to write about as far as growing up and balancing all that life gives you.

If you wish to know anything else or have questions simply ask or check out my blog I guarantee that all the answers you’re searching for are in there.

Happy People Life and Thier Counter Part.

What can be said about life and all the things in it? Compared to the span of the universe it is only a vapor if that, and yet all the moments in it, are so monumental. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, job promotions and events that we know we will only get to see one time. Many times we look for excuses to celebrate. We put emphasis on things that are mundane or common place so we can spend money and be merry. Not that this is a bad thing but it almost is proof that life is viewed as not worth living if you have no reason to celebrate.

It is for this reason we try our best in life and look for affirmation. It is getting this assertion from others that we can justify merriment. We are born and enjoy the fuss we get from our birthday and Christmas that when we see that mom and dad calibrate an accomplishment such as having a good report card or graduating, with a party we are overjoyed and strive to fill our lives with such accomplishments. We then begin to gain friends and age and realize we can provide our own calibrations and put emphasis on new year’s and other people’s birthdays. This list of scenarios goes on and on.

Ultimately we have kids and we celebrate their accomplishment with them and the cycle is set to continue.   We also learn that without the bad one cannot appreciate the good. Some have learned this lesson so well they go as far as to cause drama in their lives to make the smallest of good fortune seem extreme.  How am I so familiar with such a topic? If you read previous blogs you can see that people like the above mentioned pepper my life.

I am able to put everyone in my life into categories and two of those categories are Drama people and happy people.

The happy people are thy type I like to associate myself with people like Phil and Jason. The type of people who just want to be happy and be around happy people and when unnecessary drama is brought in our life there is only one option, cut it out.  For most of my gay life that is how things have been me and my happy friends living a life that is naturally drama filled. I can’t help but wonder about all the other gays I have met that seems not to only be followed by drama but they welcome it and are always in the search of more. I watch how people I know turn down a perfectly healthy relationship that is filled with good moments and receives the blessings of friends for one that is stressful, full of arguments and several moments of broken hearts.

I recently realized that a person I was in love with for quite some time was one of these drama people and the only reason I was kept in the mix was to assist in bringing the drama. Everyone I knew told me that this was an unhealthy relationship but my heart wanted what my heart wanted. Then when I finally was part of a relationship that was healthy and happy, I saw clearly.  I saw all the drama he liked to bring to his life and all the happiness I had. I saw the relationship I wanted him to have with him I was in with someone who clearly wanted it and while he stressed about how offal things were with his I could not believe how great mine was.

A part of me dreamed that things would fall apart for him and that he would see what he could have had but how could he, I was in a normal relationship which he said he wanted but not what his heart or head really wanted.

So while I did get half my wish, which also stems from the fact he brook my heart I can’t help but still keep my distance. My heart has grown and gained knowledge. I want to be happy and live a normal life with friends who are just as if not more happy than I.

So in conclusion happy know drama and don’t want it in their lives and they want moments to celebrate themselves as well as friends. Their counter parts like to celebrate drama and welcome dram in their lives. The only way for any of the above mentioned to change is to accept that they are who they are and live life recognizing that they do things because of the type of person they are. Once that major step is completed they can start to make active decisions that will help lead them in the other direction. Although I can’t see why any happy person would actively choose to be a drama queen.

Nothing New

Life is an interesting thing; you have your great loves, amazing moments, epiphanies, your best friends who last a life time, and the friends who last for only what seems like a day. You have the times you learn and the times you teach, the times that seem like you’re wasting your life and the ones that seem like you will just live forever. Life is full of all kinds of things but in the end for many it is the same, weather your gay or straight, black or white, Christian or atheist, it all ends and we try in vain to get the most out of it and make it last as long as possible.

It seems like a shame to waste time worrying over small things considering you are only awake for two thirds of your life and only about half of that is used to carry out non survival functions such as eating and going to the bathroom. So there you have it we only live a third of our life, the rest is consumed with bodily functions and sleep.

Many of our other functions are controlled not by need but emotions and with our heart being second in command only after our ass, (“The Ass is King” coming soon) it makes total since that what affects the heart will affect the rest of us.

I recently quite my new job for completely good reasons and it was something MeTo and i discussed before I went through with it. I took the rest of yesterday to unwind and relax. Then this morning I jumped into house husband mode. I made my hubby a nice breakfast and then began cleaning and even tried my hand at bread pudding.

I was shocked to see that just like our apartment my life was getting just as organized. For the first time in my life everything was beginning to have a place and knew where everything I owned was. It was a great feeling and t keep with the trend I made reservations to organize the files on my computer and delete unnecessary ones so that I would have room. It was a great day MeTo and our roommate Christian went to Hometown Buffet and although it was not a great place I did eat well.

When I went to bed things were looking up and up except with my life falling into order, I honestly had lots to think about. MeTo has told me that I should bite the bullet and allow him to help me out of debt. I also recently found out that my ex and his boyfriend brook up in the way that his friends all predicted they would. MeTo’s ex made it clear that he wanted him back. I recently lost my car which made job hunting difficult and with my mother knowing about my car and job situation I am being encouraged to move back home.

So my current situation is I live approximately 2 hours from my friends and family, with my boyfriend and two other roommates.. my boyfriends in not only a good on paper guy he is a good guy period all my friends love him and we are talking marriage, so allowing him to help me financially makes perfect since in the interest of our future. There is just one thing.

In every fantasy I had about someone rescuing me from my debt, my hero was never there long. He would come in get close rescue me, we would have a few laughs and then we would both be on to someone new. I would live my new life without debt and he would always be a happy memory, then there were the fantasies’ where my hero would rescue me from my debt but was not the good on paper guy. Sure he had a bank account and a good job but he was the bad boy type and I was the only one who knew the way to his heart.  I never saw myself with a wonderful guy like the one I have, I also never could see myself with someone that could do better.  The truth of the matter I have gotten a lot out of this relationship. I have gotten all that a “boyfriend” could get and he is offering more in hopes that we are going to have an extensive future together. So I should be rapturous right? But I am not I am nervous and scared. I have had three great loves in my life ad two of them hurt me shoddily.

Can I allow someone to invest in my life and there not really be any contract? Is the life that I am being offered really what I want? If it is then why do I keep thinking about Mr. M? Am I really ready for a real adult relationship? Have I reached that level of emotional maturity?

I can’t help but wonder about all the different paths my life could have taken. Meeting Mr. M has not improved my life at all. Becoming best friend with Neal was a good move but should we have been more and is that what he really wanted and the reason why we are no longer friends? No matter what I do I keep comparing my three great loves Neal Mr. M and MeTo.

Since the moment I had fallen for MeTo I have been looking for excuses to break up with him. We had moments where I would wonder, “is this my out?” and each time the answer was no. but in a relationship shouldn’t you be excited about taking the next step, and shouldn’t you be sure that the one is the one. I have said I was sure I have felt I was sure but now I just don’t know. I think back to my favorite TV shows SATC, Noah’s ARC, QAF and wonder is MeTo my Aiden is MeTo this perfect guy that is not meant to really be mine, or is he my Trey loyal despite my flaws or Ben my sweet heart protector, is Mr. M my Mr. Big? Then I remember that life doesn't always work like TV things are not always certain. We play games and fight wars without a script or predetermined ending.  

I know not the number of my days or my destiny. I can only ever know what I want and work towards that. I always remind myself that the heart wants what the heart wants and while whatever will be I have to continue to live for me.

Life is a movie theater with each movie only showing once and many not running simultaneously. You can choose to watch one or two movies to the end or hop from theater to theater looking for the perfect movie until you end up back where you started and realize you never got to see an end.

I am at the point where I can choose to move on or watch this movie to the end. I have to be prepared that this may be the only movie I get to see. Or I can go theater hopping in search for a different one.

My life was once full of parties and club nights, my friends and the quest for a real boyfriend and a decent job. I have the boyfriend but I no longer have the crazy nights. My heart no longer beats to the thump a thump a of Woody’s but the sound track to the rest of my life whatever that maybe.  

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

Jay Has a Birthday

cake,food,friends,birthday,gay,fun,funny

So the 15 was my best friend’s birthday and he asked for one thing, a surprise. That was in and no particulars. He told me a few of his other friends but it ended up only being our friend Jen and I who handled it all. Jay stayed on top of us to ensure that we were infecting planning some kind of surprise. To be quite honest it was a legitimate request. Jay had had a rough year thus far and with losing some friends being betrayed by others he wanted to know that that there were still some people who honored his friendship.

Jay had told us both that he did not care if only five of his friends came to his door and yelled surprise, he would be happy because it was a surprise. But he did inform me as his best friend I should have something to do with the planning. So I thought long and hard about what all of his friends could do that would not cost too much and would be a lot of fun for us all. I called the gang and told them to start thinking and keep that Saturday clear. As luck would have it Phil could not get off and everyone was pretty much broke, so I thought about how despite the fact that we are in a recession everyone still has money to go out and eat.

So sent out text and got numbers and sent out more text to let everyone know the time and place of Jay’s surprise. The big day came and we were still adding and changing plans. The morning of got up and began to bake my best friend a birthday cake complete with icing and red decorations. Once it was completed the hubby and I drove to Delco and picked up the birthday boy. RJ suggested a blindfold and it just so happened that Jay had a scarf that matched his shoes and the blue bandanna MeTo gave me was out. I had to stall though my assistant was not there yet and our guest ware not seated.

I headed out and we all laughed and talked about how Jay felt like a blind man but were acting like moving his head would assist in him seeing. When we arrived I dropped off the cake and made it know I was upset that my guest had not been seated. But after talking to Jen we decided that yelling surprise outside was a better idea.

So I retrieved Jay from the car and gave a guess as to where we were, Olive Garden, I said no but I did take the most direct way there from his house and it was his favorite restaurant and they were playing music. I positioned him and pulled down his blindfold as 14 of his closest friends’ yelled surprise. He was thrilled to see that it was a really party in his honor and that he meant enough to people that we went out our way to make him happy.

It was truly a good time we ate told jokes, reminisced and caused a ruckus, some of us even learned how to play an Armonica using wine glasses. While two others realized, without a doubt why I did not like Zack Wilson.

The night ended and I and MeTo had a long ride back and he was not feeling too well not to mention I pissed him off a little. So we went on and Jay was so happy and thanked everyone over and over. It was my job as the best friend to make a big fuss out of certain moments and this one was no exceptions.

Most of the crew went out for drinks after and the next day while food shopping I got a call from Jay’s brother asking if Jay’s phone was working. It turned out that the kid had had so much fun the night before he was sleeping like a rock. His mother and brother wanted to deliver his cards but were very happy and very grateful to hear his birthday was truly happy in a year that was not so great.

Is This What I Want?

money,relationships,sex,love,secrets,truth,together,gay,happy,sad,ugle,sexy,honesty.

When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.

In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where  I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.

At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.

Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.

Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.

I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.

Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.

I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.

When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.

To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.

I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.

I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence?  Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.

A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.

As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.

I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.

He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.

The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.

We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.

I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.