I AM JUST MAD. Tired of this shit.

There used to be a lot that pissed me off. I hated almost everything my parents did, I hated being ignored, being lied too, let down, put in situations that I could not control. I hated people who called me a friend then would talk about be behind my back. People who were my friend one day then my enemy the next, I hated trying to fit in, I hated school, I hated homework and test, I hated cleaning, I hated having to cook, I hated boring family functions I hated, a lot. 

Then the day came when I started to learn plenty of useful things and while I tried to hold onto my family I learned how friends were more important. I learned how rewarding it was to keep a clean room, I learned how things tasted better when you made them yourself. I learned that there was more than one way to was a shirt and that washing it the right way meant it lasted longer and looked better. I learned that doing things yourself meant they got done when they needed to be done. I learned that not all schools were the same and that an A on your homework would help get an A on your test and the A on your test made them almost worthwhile.

I learned a lot of things about life and non of the important things learned at home from family. I learned on my own or from teachers or friends. I thought that family was supposed to nurture you and help you grow into a decent person. I learned as a child that mom and dad were always proud of you as long as you tried your best, they then taught me that my best was not good enough. 

Why is it at 24 years of age I am still struggling with all the stuff that I should have learned as a teenager? When I felt bad I had to blast music to feel better, HIM, Garbage, Beethoven, Bach and I spent many a night and weekend alone in my room trying to clean it, do homework or forget what happened in the living room with my step father, or the dining room with my mother, or what my so called friends said and did to me that week. 

I am hurt and traumatized and the only thing that would honestly help is if I got an apology, a simple I’m sorry. It hurts that for years I maintained a relationship with certain people in hopes that things would get better yet when things got bad I was blamed for the past, I was left out and each time it only caused more and more scars.

I want out, so many teens have committed suicide and I wish I could one of the guys to honestly say, it gets better, but dose it? My family did not stand behind me, when things got bad I got yelled at, I was judged, I was told to clean my room. I have so many bad memories and all the while I was prevented from making friends, I hung with my cousins or I hung with no one. I played in front of the house or I stayed in. I did stuff at the church or I did homework. My childhood was taken from me by the very people who were supposed to give it to me.

I want to give over it but my heart won’t let me, my head says its over and life gets better but it dosen’t. I am making 8 dollars an hour at 24 at a part time job the best I can get. Why is this so if life gets better. Suicide seems like a great idea and to this day no one will or can give a reason as to why I should honestly go on. Life doesn't get better for the ones who’s parents don’t support them. 

I hate to say it but offing yourself is the most logical excuse. Why go through life with all the sadness of growing up among people who refuse to help you better yourself for the sake of bettering yourself? Why life a life of minimum wage when you know you deserve better? Why should anyone care? There is so much that people can do to make a person’s life just a little better but we live in a selfish world where people rather make more money that make another person’s life better. The economy is heading into the toilet and the rich don’t care because they are rich, the poor don’t care because they are trying to survive. 

By definition I am sad person with a really good mask, I smile to hid my pain, I take vitamins because it’s the only thing I can afford to prevent me from killing myself. And as hard as I try when I look at my life I don’t see a good reason to go on. Yes I have a fiancee but I am being supported I have no independence. I am supposed to go to school with no money I can only afford one semester a year and how I am supposed to pay for books is still out there. 

My point is I have been struggling all my life to have just a small piece of what everyone else has and has been willing to help. I have befriended people who are in the same boat and all I can say is I have yet to see proof the it gets better. Sure it gets better if mom and dad are there for you, it gets better if you have money but for poor gay black boys from the ghetto who’s Mom hates them and has never stood up to say I was wrong and sorry it simply just doesn’t happen.

Don’t Cross Vixc B

Vixc b,ex,breakup,boyfriend,loss,anger,revenge,apology,past,sorry

Today I brought back to life an old project that I once wanted to work on a few years ago. I was shocked to find that the project required me to talk about my ex Mr. M. I am not sure but I have a strong feeling that he is still vaguely in my life for a reason.  Sure he is almost 3000 miles away and we hardly ever talk to each other. I read his blog every now and then because it makes me feel great to know that while my life is going in a positive direction he is having trouble finding a job just lost the man who he thought was the love of his life after he gave him hell and is sad to be miles away from all he knows.

I know it is not the Christian way but it’s the human condition. In the process of writing about my past I realized that I still don’t have an answer to an important question. When he broke up with me he could not leave it at just that he asked if we could still be friends. To be exact he said, “I would like it if we could still be friends.”

I to this day cannot make since of it. He and I had nothing in common. We lived 2 hours away from each other, I was a light drinker, light smoker and preferred to keep drugs out of my life.  He took pride in the fact he was a heavy drinker, he liked smoking and did pot, he took pills and liked to dress as a fairy every now and then. I used British slang and he hated it. He was the tit for tat type of guy and was the all is fare in love and war. He welcomed dram and I cut drama queens out my life. So why stay friend with me?

I picked up my phone and before I knew it I was on the second ring. I realized that this was a very bad Idea. Before he had made a trip to Philly we were talking frequently and decided to make a point to hang out. As the day neared I got no call and have not heard from him since. After the bad blog I wrote calling him ever negative gay name in the book. He wrote me a letter which stated between the lines that he only wanted to be friends when it was convent for him. It hurt to imagine that someone would imply that but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and his actions or lack thereof proved it.

I want to cut him out my life, but I feel some kind of attachment to him. I know he was my first official love and all but at some point a person should feel the need to let go. I just don’t understand and I guess I still want answers to questions that only he can answer.

I am a real friend and all my friends agree. If you ask me for advice I tell you what you need to hear, not want to hear. If you need me for something I am there, if I can help you out I will and there has not been a person I have ever called friend that I have not done that for.

Mr. M keeps me at a distance, no matter how much I let him in he refuses to be my real friend. I have done things for him and they remain unreturned, I have given him advice only to have him respond negatively when I came to him. To be honest I think I just may hate him and want to inflict my own damage upon him. No matter how bad things in his life get they are not as bad as I want them to be. Maybe if I ran him over in a car, or stabbed him, they seem like good ideas but that hurts him physically and I want to hurt him emotionally. When I found out what happened to him and Joe I felt it was not good enough.  I want him to either realize the effect of his actions on me and truly apologize or to suffer.

That’s just it, and I refuse to cut him out my life until justice is served. I want Karma or Vixc B to do its best and worse in his life and I want him to realize it to late.