For years It had drove me crazy hoping to find Mister Right,
the man who would be there for me and thinking that it was someone I had
already dated only created problems where they did not exist. The New Year
brought a new awakening. Doctor MeTo in short was the biggest disappointment
and would always be remembered as such and Mister M was a true friend. There
were other Exes such as Eddy and Mister Cocky and Lou who had taken their
places in my life.
Eddy Was the friend who would never let me go, Mister Cocky
was a waste of time and Lou is another blessing, he is a best friend.
MeTo is out of my life he decided to cut me out for the last
time and so I blocked him from ever being able to contact me. Cocky still has
no clue as to what he wants, he claims he wants to be friends but cannot see me
in person because of his sexual attraction to me. Whenever I talk to him on the
phone it always turns into him wanting another chance and begging me to have
sex with him to see if we have feelings for one another. I have decided to cut
off communication with him as well.
As for Eddy he is still dealing with cancer and wants us to
try and be in a relationship but I just cannot see it ever working. We are far
too different and he is way too young. Lou and I are planning to move in
together around April or May.
Ultimately my plan is to continue working, go on as many
trips to as many different places as I can then pick the one that I have the
most love for and move. I am over looking for love in Philadelphia. One night I
was talking to Lou and he mentioned how a certain relationship still had traces
of comparison to Big and Carrie. I was disappointed, I don’t want to be able to
compare my life or the people in it to anyone in some show or novel. In my
early twenties my friends and I did it all the time from Noah’s ARC and Sex and
the City to Queer As Folk and Real Housewives of Atlanta. It was exhausting and
gave us all warped images of reality.
Sometimes you do get the classic happy ending where the two
of you realize that all the time you loved each other and were meant to be but
more often than not you fall for someone else that you thought you would never
fall for and end up having a life better than you had imagined. The key to it
all is you have to always let go of the past and stop forcing things to happen.
Carrie only got Big after she decided to let go of New York and the idea of
finding her one true love there.
Great things happen when you open your heart to the
possibility that there is something better for you than you can comprehend.
True happiness is always beyond comprehension. We create in our heads these scenarios
where we will be happy, we imagine how prince charming or mister right will
come along, what he will be wearing and we shut out the possibility that we are
wrong. The result is a life of searching when several times over we have come in
contact with the person or on several occasions we would have met the one had
we been more apt to move on from our current situation.
A lot can be said for television it is always entertaining
and inspired by real life but some of the most entertaining moments in our
lives are boring to others. Here I am sitting in Las Vegas in the apartment of
Mister M playing out the same scenario as always, except this time I recognize
it for what it is, this is our friendship this is how we operate. I cannot hold
out in hopes that he will come to me one day and tell me I am the one. I have
to accept that the future is the future and I must live my life recognizing
that I have no clue what is going to happen. All I can do is ensure that I am
happy in my present.
My early twenties have taught me a lot and made for some
entertaining blogging but 30 is not far off and I feel as though I have not
lived my life because I have always been searching for love, promising myself
that the fun part of my life will begin once I have met my husband but I have
to ask myself, will I ever find a husband? I have to enjoy the now and leave
the future in the future. MeTo was a basket that carried a lot of my eggs and
that basket had holes and eventually it fell out of my life. No matter how close
someone gets to me I will always remember how badly I felt when he toyed with
my heart like a cat with a mouse. I can never allow myself to wallow in such
emotional tumultuousness I must look out for myself and remember that if I cannot
keep myself happy then I cannot expect anyone else to do it for me and I will
not be able to make anyone else happy. If I am happy as a single person then
there is no need to rush and find love no matter how small or Big.
