A Productive Saturday

As it would turn out last Saturday was quite productive.  My day started with MeTo waking me early so we could go to Torah study at temple. The night before, at Shul, the rabbi encouraged us once again to come on Saturday morning.  This time we had no excuse to get out of it.  I admittedly wanted to go but it was at 9:30 in the morning.  Now we all know that 9:30 is not very early on a normal day, but on a Saturday, my traditional day of rest, it was ungodly.  Much to my surprise however when MeTo woke me I was ready to go.  I donned some clothes and we were on our way fashionably late. I did not feel too bad as I was told many people show up late.

We got there and it did not take long before there were introductions and I was of course the only black person.  On top of it I did not have time to do my hair so I threw on a headband, which made me look gay, for 9:30 on a Saturday morning nevertheless I did not care what anyone thought, I was there.

Soon the rabbi asked me to read and I shocked myself at how well I did, no mistakes and it was clear there was not a hint of nervousness in my voice.  After I was done, we picked up with the discussions which felt great, it was simply a group of people disusing the whys and why not-s of the bible. The rabbi was there, gave good feedback, and not once made anyone feel small about an extremely interesting or odd interpretation.  It was also great not to hear Satan given as an excuse for everything that went wrong.

One of the most refreshing things about the Jewish faith is the fact that Satan is not really, present.  Discussions are about how G-d acts in our lives and how we allow or refuse his assistance.  The burden to be good is placed completely on the individual and you never hear a Jew say, “The devil made me do it,” or “The devil came and tempted me.”  

There was a bagel promise as “incentive” for people to come; our friend told us that after torah study there are bagels and coffee.  So afterwards, we went to the media room where all the Saturday classes met to have bagels and socialize.  We met a few people had some good discussions and then was on our way.

 

After several attempts to stop, the error messages from showing on my laptop, which was running Vista, I finally decided that it was time to upgrade to Windows 7.  I was not happy with windows and to be honest I really wanted something else.  However, all the programs I have are windows based and I am not sure if I could find good enough equivalents to run on Linux.  Therefore, I backed up my favorite files and began what I was shocked into believing was a simple upgrade and not install 7 as a new OS like MeTo and our roommate had to do.

Little had I known that the update would take all day!  Once it started, I sat by my desk and read my book, Swish.  I was quite impressed with myself.  I really thought I would not make my deadline but by the end of the day, I finished all but one chapter, which I should finish today.

I decided that the perfect thing to fix that tart apple pie, I made earlier that week, would be some Carmel sauce, which was so amazing I am going to include it in my cookbook.  I also got my desk reorganized and did my best to force myself to remain productive, success.

My book for February came in the mail as well my Amish pie cookbook.  I then did some dishes and wrote out the grocery list.  Once the update was finished around 10:30 at night I began moving and deleting files things.  I installed the last program that I was working on and much to my delight there were only a few kinks that needed to be worked out.  I set my computer to defrag and shut down when done and I went to bed at two in the morning.

For the month of February, this is what you can expect on top of your typical Vixc B reading.  I have decided to add to the monthly book review a biweekly Gay movie review, no pun intended, so I will watch at least two gay movies a month and report back to you weather it is worth watching and why or why not.  Each week you can also expect a recipe that I have created myself.  I think this will make all the other reading more interesting in conjuncture as you will get to hear about my struggles and frustrations throughout the week to perfect a recipe and then benefit from the fruits of my labor at the end of the week.

Therefore, until next time this is Vixc B reminding you, being gay is not so simple.

So, Its a Big Deal.

Last Friday MeTo and I went to Philadelphia to celebrate our one-year anniversary.  We had a lovely evening planned.  We would go to the Franklin institute have dinner at the Brazilian steak house and then wonder around the city until it was time to part ways.
I had to stay behind because my sister was leaving for college on Sunday and I promised her I would drive with her up there. MeTo had to meet his mother back at our place, the two of them were then going to go upstate to help dad close the house for the rest of winter.
The day did not start as planned we got to the city a little latter then we should have, mostly my fault, and that left us with only two hours to spend in the museum before it closed.  We made the most of it and it turned out two hours was more than enough.
After the museum, we went to a restaurant called Chime, a Brazilian steak house.  MeTo thought he was going to pay for the entire day, but as I felt that was improper and unfair I took care of the museum and allowed him to pay for dinner in short we paid for the parts of the night we picked.
We ended up being a half hour early for the restaurant and took some time to simply take in the city.  We walked past the Comcast tower and went to a 7 eleven to grab me a candy bar.  When the time came, we were excited to eat and I had a blast with the exception of one minor detail.  My head began to hurt and before I knew I had a migraine all before, I realized I had aspirin in my bag.
After dinner, the night was young and we decided to go to a quiet spot.  Q lounge, which was formally bump, was the first thing to pop in my mind.  I knew at that time of day it would be perfect to just sit, talk, and have a good time without all the rowdiness that could be the gayborhood.
I offered to buy him a drink and he passed by saying, “Not right now.”  I was unsure what he was waiting for but we sat and talked for a brief while and before I knew it I was being thanked for all the help I gave during his proposal but he informed me that his PhD proposal defense was not the one he was worried about. After trying to pull what he was talking about out of him, he pulled a red box out of his pocket.  One final question from he and me then asked, “Will you marry me.”
I was stunned and gave it a quick thought and said, “Yes.” I was completely taken off guard and felt like I needed time to think and digest what happened alone.  It was not long before the waiter figured what happened and informed us that he had just taken his ring off a few months ago. I was shocked at the ring not what I expected and yet I was wearing it. My stomach was in knots and my head was throbbing while the aspirin did nothing.  I so wanted to just run to my mom’s and talk to my sister but I did all that a new fiancé is supposed to do.  I showed the ring to all those who asked to see it and had our picture taken in the bar.  He was relieved that I said yes and I was simply in shock.
When the night finally ended, we both went to Market East train station and waited for our separate trains.  He had to meek his mom to go upstate and I had to go with my parents to take my sister to college.
I got home and I told my sister what happened she was in awe, I still was in shock.  We talked about her life and a few things in my life and my head and stomach was just getting worse.  She joked and told me to take the ring off; I was having a Carrie moment. I drank some water and went to sleep.
The first thing I did when I woke was put the ring on and got started with my day.  My sister and I then went to KOP Mall in hopes that shopping would clear my head. I called jay and told him what happened who then patched Tia in and they were thrilled, I still in shock told them how it happened and then we talked about my shock.  A whole day of shopping with my sister and a new outfit and still was not where I should have been.  MeTo called me, I received congratulations from my future in-laws, and we chatted about how our days went.
I made plans to tell my other friends when we went out that night.  On the way I called my cousin Tiffany, she was excited, and I was no longer in shock.  I became more excited at the idea of getting married.  The whole day was filled with ideas of being the first to get married went through my head and tell my mother and planning a wedding and finally my head stopped and my heart took over.
I made a stop at my grandmother’s and told her and my aunt and while my aunt was excited, my grandmother tried to hide her disappointment.  I then met my friends, Dan and Lou were on time and I could not wait to tell them they were excited like everyone else and I told them how I was in shock for a good while and then I just now fell in love with my ring.
Phil showed and he was excited as well and I showed my ring to everyone that asked.  Two hours later Jay joined us at Q and I regaled my friends with the story one last time and we drank almost 40 dollars and were merry, it was a night to remember.
The next day I called MeTo and told him about the night and he was happy for me.  I have no idea why I went through what I went through but I am happy to say I am talking plans for the day when I marry the Sexiest, sweeties, loving man in the entire world.  I got my fairytale.

New Profile - About ME

Back in 2007 I came out of the closet and found my new life to be riddled with many difficult issues. All the friends that I hung out with on a regular basses I worked with, were significantly older than I was, and straight. Although I had received lots of support from my friends, none of them could really relate to me. I began to look to my boyfriend at the time, Mr. M for support but he was far from supportive. He ended up braking up with me after five weeks due to issues you can read about in The Indigo Life. I didn’t know it at the time but time to be single was exactly what I needed.

I began going to the clubs and learning what the gay stereotypical gay scene was like. It was boost to my self-esteem as I got hit on a lot and realized I liked to dance in clubs. It was not before long that I began making friends.

Shortly after Mr. M and I split I was invited to the birthday party of a friend’s friend. It was amazing how fast we hit things off dancing in the club and I was fitting right in and we all exchanged numbers, before long my friend’s friend was my best friend Jay. For almost a year we did everything together and we opened up to each other in ways I had longed to do with another person my entire life.

Through Jay I met his exes Phil and Lou and while Phil did not like me at first it was not long before we were hanging out on our own. I had dated Lou after Jay did for about two weeks it was after that that we decided we made better friends.

As for my friend Tia, our token lesbian, Jay has known her since he was two and she is a totally awesome person, we are close but with time we will get closer.

There were friends I gained and lost along the way and there while there was a falling out with my longest friend we are in the process of reconciliation.

Back in 2008 I came up with a new concept for my blog and how I look at the gay life. I was tired of overly feminine colors and the stereotypes that get associated with anything gay. I realized that the “Gay Life” is something that is constantly misunderstood by Hetero- and Homo- sexuals alike. But I still wanted my blog to have a gay theme and stand out from the others. After giving it some thought I realized that the color indigo is quite a misunderstood color, many people thinking that it’s a shade of blue or a shade of purple when in fact it is its own color having four separate shades.  It also happened to be the only color not on the gay flag and I hate that rainbow symbol. So I titled my blog The Indigo Life in attempt to help others to see what the real gay life is about.

I now live in New Brunswick NJ with my Boyfriend that I refer to as Mr. MeTo. I am in love and while being single for two years gave me a lot to write about in regards to finding love and keeping friends. Being in a relationship is giving me a lot to write about as far as growing up and balancing all that life gives you.

If you wish to know anything else or have questions simply ask or check out my blog I guarantee that all the answers you’re searching for are in there.

So Thats September

Life is getting ever so complicated, just a quick blurb to bring everyone up to speed. MeTo has decided to get back in touch with his religious side and just in time, as September contains two of the most holy of holidays in the Jewish faith. I have been alongside him every step of the way and quite supportive and it is leading me to get closer to God in my Christian faith.

September also happens to be my busiest month, as far as birthdays go. As I have said before I love my Virgos. So there was a trip to Philly to celebrate the 15th and a card was sent to celebrate my grandmother’s 70th birthday. Then the 19th which would have been MeTo’s birthday party turned out to be Rosh Hashanah, so instead we had a big dinner with his immediate family and I covered desert and the Challah, MeTo did lamb chops and roasted vegetables and Mom made matzo ball soup and Kasha Varnishkes. It was Jewish feast.

The day after was MeTo’s actual birthday and we spent the day in the big apple. His parents got him two tickets to Wicked and I truly enjoyed it. It required some digesting for MeTo but he came around. We then had real New York pizza and enjoyed central park and the sites that make the big apple what it is.

I went to my first Jewish religious ceremony on a Friday and the next day I threw MeTo a great party. 12 of his friends showed and we ate and danced and sang. We both had a wonderful time.

Sunday started Yom Kippur and I made a big meal of collard greens, candy yams, fried chicken, and collie flower for our pre-fast meal. Then in the early afternoon we went to services at the temple. I was really getting into the Jewish faith. Our breakfast was with mom and I found out some disturbing information about the New York City public school system.

That was the gist of my September and I hope to have greater details for you soon. So keep checking to see what’s new.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

HIV p2

HIV,Clubbing,gay,Karaoke,Vixc B,Victor Bethea

After Jayson’s parents arrived we went into the living room and began to chat which was more like a listen to Jayson. What can be said when you have received the news we did. It was silent for awhile until Jay asked everyone to talk and when he got to his mom she apparently said the wrong thing, when she mentioned that the first thing to enter her mind was that he could get the help he needs. Jay was disappointed that he did not get the mother response and his anger rose and was forced to remove himself from the situation.

Once outside I followed him and he vented knowing he needed time to compose himself before he went back.  When we did go back and the conversation turned into trying to get the family back together as it should be.

It was only a matte of time before I was brought in as a mediator. Progress was being made but when you have two people who are exactly alike and nether is hearing the other and refuses to see that. I felt there was progress being made but jay however did not and felt it was pointless so he asked for a ride home and I said no keep at this. He announced he had 2 dollars and would take the bus.

I stayed and tried to allow his mother to vent and try to gain a better understanding of her for my self and to my surprise she was as much the type of person that I figured her to be in my mind. She also admitted to the fact the she saw a lot of herself in Jayson. Progress was being made and jay needed to see it. But we came to a point where we all were at an understanding but in order for anything to work jay would have to be willing and accepting of the fact that it would take time for everyone to understand one another.   

Jay’s parents had to run an errand and I was told to stay. I and Jay’s brother went to play Wii and just as we set things up jay came back in and asked for a ride. So I said good bye and good luck to his quite attractive brother and took him home.

When jay fell asleep from all the stress I went to visit my grand mother and my mother. I told my grandmother and aunt about the news I had gotten but left that out when I went to visit my mother. I arranged for a few of us to take Jay out to take his mind off things and it turned into quite the night.

 

Taking his mind off things.

After making my rounds I went back to jays and told him to be dressed and ready by 8, we were going out. It took some convincing but we decided to go out for dinner at Pizza Hut and then Karaoke at 12th Air, which meant no Phil 12th Air, was 21 and older tonight. We had so much fun just the three of us RJ, Jay and myself. We were ubber  gay then drove to KFC/Taco Bell to wait for Jenn and another friend.

Once at 12th Air we commenced drinking and watched the performances and I realized even more how much I loved and missed hanging out with Jay. He sang two songs and by then I was loose and ready to sing. The DJ came back and said he could not find my song and suggested our whole group sing Proud Mary, so jay and I did. We were more entertaining with our dancing then our singing but the crowed loved us and we loved the attention.

When it’s raining men came one jay and I were back on stage to be backup dancers.  We all then figured we call it a night as most of us had work in the morning.

Once in the car Jay announced that he was meeting Aaron to go to Tom Jones and that I should just spend the night. We met Aaron and caught up just the three of us it was quite the shocker to see the place dead. It used to be such the place to hang out, but due to the smoking ban it was much like every other dinner.

After TJ’s we went to Aaron’s to check out a old computer for Jay so he could get back to writing. When I got back to Jay’s it was almost 4 in the morning and I passed out as soon as I laid down on his couch.

I got up and received poor directions to where we had parked my car the night before and it turned into an hour walk in several circles. I found my car and I got gas, when I gat back in my car I found that my check engine light was no longer lit. the day was going to be average.

I was running on only three hours of sleep but gave it my best. It was Thursday and I had to look forward to my weekend, my and MeTo’s house warming.

Just Love

I know that at some point I will overdo it but understanding love is one of life's greatest lessons. From the time we are young we are convinced we love mommy because she loves us and she shows this by doing the things we need her to do. We then learn that another sign of her love is discipline she implements ways to show and tell us what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptably in the real world. At some point we stop thinking of her as a bitch for all the grounding and yelling and appreciate her for showing that she wants the best for us, mom's wants us to lead happy lives.

That is the lesson we learn from day one how to show and love your family. But how do we show and know we are in love with non-family. With our friends its easy in our minds we simply adopt them as family. We introduce them to our mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and extend family when appropriate. But then there is that “New Love” the love that is not there from day one the love that we never expected would just bite us in the ass. When we feel it and express to others that we are experiencing a new feeling we are asked if its infatuation. Mom will tell you “it is just infatuation your too young to know what love is.” but we know how to love Mommy we know how to love dad, grandma, grandpa and them other niggas we call family. Why is it we cannot tell the difference between love and infatuation right way, why can’t we learn those feelings from day one?

Why is it that some people marry their high school sweetheart while some never even have one. Why do some people go to college and meet their first husband when others jump from guy to guy never being serious. We go through middle school feeling horny for someone to touch us in that spot and we get to high school and many of us feel how good it is to be touched and then we know sex is good. We know the difference between just wanting sex and wanting to spend time with someone. But we still have to learn what love is.

Then the day comes when you become confused. You don't know if all you want is sex or more. If it is love for the first time of infatuation for the first time. Then there is that moment when you touch and you know you have a chance to walk away or go along for the ride. You know your heart is pumping and you start to sweat a little. You decide to go along for the ride and the whole roller coaster hurts and tickles. It makes you laugh and cry, hungry and full. There are times you cannot stop eating and times you fell you could go days without ever taking another bite. You want to call them but don't want to be over bearing you think about every action before you make a move. You’re in real love for the first time.

A very small select few marry their first loves others such as myself lose them. Most times it is no fault of our own. Sometimes they realize they could never feel the same way about us as we feel about them, sometimes they are in love with someone else, the scars of previous relationships prevent them from being happy, other times it’s just not meant to be. Family or background differences, religious and social beliefs are all the things we learn that will get in the way of love. Sometimes lack of experience will ruin what appears to be the perfect relationship and too much experience can do the same.

My point to all of this as we all have herd before “it’s better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all” however you must remember one lost love is not the end of the world playing the field is hard and can get old quite fast but just like the first time you fell in love you were not looking for it, it found you.