Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

New Profile - About ME

Back in 2007 I came out of the closet and found my new life to be riddled with many difficult issues. All the friends that I hung out with on a regular basses I worked with, were significantly older than I was, and straight. Although I had received lots of support from my friends, none of them could really relate to me. I began to look to my boyfriend at the time, Mr. M for support but he was far from supportive. He ended up braking up with me after five weeks due to issues you can read about in The Indigo Life. I didn’t know it at the time but time to be single was exactly what I needed.

I began going to the clubs and learning what the gay stereotypical gay scene was like. It was boost to my self-esteem as I got hit on a lot and realized I liked to dance in clubs. It was not before long that I began making friends.

Shortly after Mr. M and I split I was invited to the birthday party of a friend’s friend. It was amazing how fast we hit things off dancing in the club and I was fitting right in and we all exchanged numbers, before long my friend’s friend was my best friend Jay. For almost a year we did everything together and we opened up to each other in ways I had longed to do with another person my entire life.

Through Jay I met his exes Phil and Lou and while Phil did not like me at first it was not long before we were hanging out on our own. I had dated Lou after Jay did for about two weeks it was after that that we decided we made better friends.

As for my friend Tia, our token lesbian, Jay has known her since he was two and she is a totally awesome person, we are close but with time we will get closer.

There were friends I gained and lost along the way and there while there was a falling out with my longest friend we are in the process of reconciliation.

Back in 2008 I came up with a new concept for my blog and how I look at the gay life. I was tired of overly feminine colors and the stereotypes that get associated with anything gay. I realized that the “Gay Life” is something that is constantly misunderstood by Hetero- and Homo- sexuals alike. But I still wanted my blog to have a gay theme and stand out from the others. After giving it some thought I realized that the color indigo is quite a misunderstood color, many people thinking that it’s a shade of blue or a shade of purple when in fact it is its own color having four separate shades.  It also happened to be the only color not on the gay flag and I hate that rainbow symbol. So I titled my blog The Indigo Life in attempt to help others to see what the real gay life is about.

I now live in New Brunswick NJ with my Boyfriend that I refer to as Mr. MeTo. I am in love and while being single for two years gave me a lot to write about in regards to finding love and keeping friends. Being in a relationship is giving me a lot to write about as far as growing up and balancing all that life gives you.

If you wish to know anything else or have questions simply ask or check out my blog I guarantee that all the answers you’re searching for are in there.

Moving for love

Moving for love

The act of moving for the sole purpose to be closer to your boyfriend or girlfriend is an act that no one person can agree on as weather a wise move or a bad move.

I had a chat with a friend of my aunt’s and while he supports anyone for up routing their life for someone else she and I were agents it. Sure he explained that while you’re young it’s all fine and dandy but the older you get the less you can afford to make such an error. The discussion ended up being about two coinciding issues but for the sake of keeping things simple I will just continue with my original topic in solidarity.

One of my best friends which I talk about from time to time has recently moved back to Philadelphia because things between him and his boyfriend did not work out in South Carolina. I had kept my opinion to myself about his decision to move but once he was back home I refused to bite my tong and told him that he moved for the wrong reason. I was not alone in my thinking.

When I moved to New York I received support because the reason for doing so was me. I moved because I wanted to move and start my own life there. It may seem a little hypocritical of me as my reason for moving to New Brunswick New Jersey was Mr. MeTo, there is no way I would have moved here on my own. There is a big difference in my case however. When I moved I was only 50min from my job and I was spending most of my time in NB, New Brunswick for short, anyway. I gave nothing up. My life remained the same and I had easy access to my friends. I even made arrangements so that if the relationship did in fact go south I would not have to move.   

I am in support of anyone who moves within a reasonable distance for love, so long as all that they are used to is not too far away.

I am agents anyone who moves such a distance that they have to change jobs and going to see friends and family has to be a planned several days to a few weeks in advanced. A move such as this requires a change in lifestyle. A move such as this should only be done for someone you are married to where it can be seen as an honest investment in one’s future. To do it for a boyfriend could be proved to be a waste of time and money.

When Lou moved to South Carolina as his friend I had to be supportive and hope and pray that the move would prove to work in his favor. It did not though and a good test to see that the move was a bad idea to begin with is when the relationship went south he had no choice but to move back north. There are things that one can do to make such a move worth it. If my friend had went down and saw the area and decided that he wanted to move, good idea, If he got a job and decided to move good idea or even if the reason for moving was his boyfriend, if had saw to it that he was going to be dependent on himself to survive and if the relationship would end that he would be happy to keep his new life then it would have been a good idea.

To think about how one must feel after they make such a sacrifice and realize that it was done not for them is enough to prove that it was not worth it.

I am all for love and the pursuit of it but all in all if after every sacrifice you make for love you can’t honestly say you would do it all over then it was not a sacrifice, but rather just another dumb mistake.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

Learning Never Stops - Love

I know that at age 22 you are far from knowing it all. This of course means at age 22 you still have a lot to learn. What I did not know is that it all comes so quickly and you have less time to try and learn each lesson. It is like when you’re my age you have to become a pro at learning life lessons.

It would appear the current lessons that I am being forced to learn are lessons of the heart. I had no idea that in my few years I had become callused. I only loved 3 people romantically and some may say they do not count. There was my 7th grade sweetheart that I failed to realize I loved until it was too late. Eventually I moved on and accepted the fact I was young and dumb. To this day I strongly believe that had I stayed in touch we would have gotten married.

There was the guy I met on line and thought it was only a phase. I knew I loved him although we never saw each other in person. My heart broke when I was forced to stop talking to him. I was tormented when I tried to reconcile and he told me he wanted time to be single. I think a very tiny part of me died when I found out that he had gotten married and didn't bother to tell me.

Still I moved on and got over it as best I could. I dated guys I met on line and in clubs and I befriended ones that wanted more than friends. I even chased after guys I knew I could never have. Then the day came when I felt that chasing was over and I was to be in a decent relationship. Much to my chagrin it lasted only 5 weeks.  I did not think I would be heart broken when the day came, but All my friends did. Many of them tried to tell me it was love but I refused to believe. The day we decided to just be friends I had no idea that I was to join him on a road of heartache and pain. I had no idea that I was to follow 10 steps behind until my lesson was completely finished.

While we were dating I got a glimpse of my ex's ex. he looked like me but I of course was far better looking.  My ex then realized he was not over his ex and trying to have a relationship with me was not fair to me. So he called it off and we decided to be just friends.

I had decided getting some notches in my headboard would be a good way to get over being dumped for the first time. Then one night I met this therapist who could not help but analyze me, not in a boring you are this and that type of way but after conversing he simply pointed out things that I should have already known. He crushed my dream boyfriend description and told me I would never find a guy who lived up to it. Which made me think about the only boyfriend I ever dated that lasted more than two weeks and how he almost had none of the qualities on my list. I thought long and hard as to why I allowed him to be an exception. Put plainly I fell in love and didn't know it. I fell in love with a guy I should not have and while my heartache to see him pinning over a guy who crushed him, I was doing the same.

No matter how hard I tried to show him that I was ready to give him the world he still couldn't help trying to get over whatever. I was just beginning to understand love.

My roommate had called off her wedding. The groom was one of my best friends and I could not understand why he was so heartbroken and found it difficult to get over her. In my mind I though him weak and thought he was the cause of his own heartache. Now I know.

My mother recently filed for divorce from my stepfather. For years I suggested she just walk away and severs all ties for a brief while or divorces him. She seemed powerless to do so in my mind it seemed easy, if one could only take their heart out of it long enough.

How does one control their heart? Why did I think my mother and friend were weak? They were simply victims. Victims of loving the wrong people and while my ex and I are on this road of becoming free of our exes I am learning that love is not rainbows and butterflies. It makes you angry, depressed, confused, vengeful, bitter, bewildered and sometimes delighted. If love was all bad or all good who would bother looking for it. Everybody knows a little drama spices things up and adds romance to make it all worthwhile.

I used to hope my ex would see the light and fall in love with me, but now I just wish that he sees his ex is not worth the love and time he wanted to give and can live free of that hold.

As for me I hope I learn the lesson of this road soon and can find the guy I have dreamed about. I also hope the next lesson is not as intense.