A Phone Call

phone call,relationship,MeTo,Vixc b,Philly,aunt LAB

So, MeTo called me and wanted to discuss our relationship, rather to tell me that he was coming down the next day so we could go out and talk about us.  I was shocked to see that he was the one calling me.  To be very honest I did not want to talk to him, especially after what happened earlier.

While I was on the trolley to go see my aunt, MeTo called me.  I was shocked to see it was he and answered, he told me he wanted to talk.  When I asked about what he was very vague and said, “Stuff.”  I tried to get him to be more specific.  He began talking about our relationship.  I thought to myself, “I thought we both agreed, this week was about me.”

I could never understand why he could not just let me be, leave our relationship alone until I got back from dealing with me.  When I got to my aunt, I told her about what was going on.  She was very understanding much to my surprise and she was able to see things from both perspectives.  She enforced what I was thinking about MeTo and, she helped me to see what I was feeling.

Her suggestion was to talk about everything with him and get on the same page.  I must admit everyone I talk to dose not want the two of us to break up.  I was considering calling it quits but she told me not to just yet and no matter how bad I make the situation seem everyone tells me to hang in there.

So tomorrow me to and I will have dinner to hash things out.  I had wanted the entire week to be a me week.  One where I could gain perspective on the situation, how I was feeling and what I wanted.

I did figure out that I am smarter when it comes to relationships than I thought and I do have a greater plane for my life than I had imagined.  I realized all of this while talking to my aunt.  She learned from me and me her despite the serious age difference.  However, that goes to show you that you are never too old and never too young to teach and to learn.

Don’t Cross Vixc B

Vixc b,ex,breakup,boyfriend,loss,anger,revenge,apology,past,sorry

Today I brought back to life an old project that I once wanted to work on a few years ago. I was shocked to find that the project required me to talk about my ex Mr. M. I am not sure but I have a strong feeling that he is still vaguely in my life for a reason.  Sure he is almost 3000 miles away and we hardly ever talk to each other. I read his blog every now and then because it makes me feel great to know that while my life is going in a positive direction he is having trouble finding a job just lost the man who he thought was the love of his life after he gave him hell and is sad to be miles away from all he knows.

I know it is not the Christian way but it’s the human condition. In the process of writing about my past I realized that I still don’t have an answer to an important question. When he broke up with me he could not leave it at just that he asked if we could still be friends. To be exact he said, “I would like it if we could still be friends.”

I to this day cannot make since of it. He and I had nothing in common. We lived 2 hours away from each other, I was a light drinker, light smoker and preferred to keep drugs out of my life.  He took pride in the fact he was a heavy drinker, he liked smoking and did pot, he took pills and liked to dress as a fairy every now and then. I used British slang and he hated it. He was the tit for tat type of guy and was the all is fare in love and war. He welcomed dram and I cut drama queens out my life. So why stay friend with me?

I picked up my phone and before I knew it I was on the second ring. I realized that this was a very bad Idea. Before he had made a trip to Philly we were talking frequently and decided to make a point to hang out. As the day neared I got no call and have not heard from him since. After the bad blog I wrote calling him ever negative gay name in the book. He wrote me a letter which stated between the lines that he only wanted to be friends when it was convent for him. It hurt to imagine that someone would imply that but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and his actions or lack thereof proved it.

I want to cut him out my life, but I feel some kind of attachment to him. I know he was my first official love and all but at some point a person should feel the need to let go. I just don’t understand and I guess I still want answers to questions that only he can answer.

I am a real friend and all my friends agree. If you ask me for advice I tell you what you need to hear, not want to hear. If you need me for something I am there, if I can help you out I will and there has not been a person I have ever called friend that I have not done that for.

Mr. M keeps me at a distance, no matter how much I let him in he refuses to be my real friend. I have done things for him and they remain unreturned, I have given him advice only to have him respond negatively when I came to him. To be honest I think I just may hate him and want to inflict my own damage upon him. No matter how bad things in his life get they are not as bad as I want them to be. Maybe if I ran him over in a car, or stabbed him, they seem like good ideas but that hurts him physically and I want to hurt him emotionally. When I found out what happened to him and Joe I felt it was not good enough.  I want him to either realize the effect of his actions on me and truly apologize or to suffer.

That’s just it, and I refuse to cut him out my life until justice is served. I want Karma or Vixc B to do its best and worse in his life and I want him to realize it to late.  

 

Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

Moving for love

Moving for love

The act of moving for the sole purpose to be closer to your boyfriend or girlfriend is an act that no one person can agree on as weather a wise move or a bad move.

I had a chat with a friend of my aunt’s and while he supports anyone for up routing their life for someone else she and I were agents it. Sure he explained that while you’re young it’s all fine and dandy but the older you get the less you can afford to make such an error. The discussion ended up being about two coinciding issues but for the sake of keeping things simple I will just continue with my original topic in solidarity.

One of my best friends which I talk about from time to time has recently moved back to Philadelphia because things between him and his boyfriend did not work out in South Carolina. I had kept my opinion to myself about his decision to move but once he was back home I refused to bite my tong and told him that he moved for the wrong reason. I was not alone in my thinking.

When I moved to New York I received support because the reason for doing so was me. I moved because I wanted to move and start my own life there. It may seem a little hypocritical of me as my reason for moving to New Brunswick New Jersey was Mr. MeTo, there is no way I would have moved here on my own. There is a big difference in my case however. When I moved I was only 50min from my job and I was spending most of my time in NB, New Brunswick for short, anyway. I gave nothing up. My life remained the same and I had easy access to my friends. I even made arrangements so that if the relationship did in fact go south I would not have to move.   

I am in support of anyone who moves within a reasonable distance for love, so long as all that they are used to is not too far away.

I am agents anyone who moves such a distance that they have to change jobs and going to see friends and family has to be a planned several days to a few weeks in advanced. A move such as this requires a change in lifestyle. A move such as this should only be done for someone you are married to where it can be seen as an honest investment in one’s future. To do it for a boyfriend could be proved to be a waste of time and money.

When Lou moved to South Carolina as his friend I had to be supportive and hope and pray that the move would prove to work in his favor. It did not though and a good test to see that the move was a bad idea to begin with is when the relationship went south he had no choice but to move back north. There are things that one can do to make such a move worth it. If my friend had went down and saw the area and decided that he wanted to move, good idea, If he got a job and decided to move good idea or even if the reason for moving was his boyfriend, if had saw to it that he was going to be dependent on himself to survive and if the relationship would end that he would be happy to keep his new life then it would have been a good idea.

To think about how one must feel after they make such a sacrifice and realize that it was done not for them is enough to prove that it was not worth it.

I am all for love and the pursuit of it but all in all if after every sacrifice you make for love you can’t honestly say you would do it all over then it was not a sacrifice, but rather just another dumb mistake.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

Is This What I Want?

money,relationships,sex,love,secrets,truth,together,gay,happy,sad,ugle,sexy,honesty.

When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.

In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where  I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.

At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.

Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.

Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.

I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.

Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.

I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.

When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.

To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.

I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.

I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence?  Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.

A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.

As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.

I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.

He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.

The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.

We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.

I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.

 

Going, Going, Wait . . . Gone?

Victor S Bethea II says

Sometimes we get extremely lucky and find a love so perfect that it seems just way to easy to maintain.  Despite the easy and how happy both parties are you never know if the other is just pretending or if he or she has just been letting you do all the work.

It is quite possible that you or your significant other can wake up one day and just not feel it anymore. Whatever the reason it leaves one wondering, where did the love go?

My best friend in South Carolina just experienced this he went to bed and was in a happy relationship, when he woke up he found that he was single and in one of the most disturbing ways, a note left on the bed in the spot where his now ex was sleeping the night before. The explanation was simple yet confusing, “I am just not in love anymore.” Kind of cold considering the only thing keeping him in SC was his boyfriend.

I received a call and text asking that I call when I could. I called thinking it was a big emergency. I was quite shocked to hear that his boyfriend broke up with him. We went through all the questions as to why and did you see it coming. I was further shocked to find that Lou was totally taken by surprised. I must admit Lou can be dense but he can see a break up coming. I then asked based on the nature of the breakup if had a chance to talk to his now supposed ex and the answer was no.

A part of me was excited that with nothing holding Lou in SC he would come back to Philly but at the same time I did want things to work out so I focused on getting him to sit down and talk to him.

Later that day I saw Jay and told him what I had heard and I received another shocker for the day, Jay told me that he missed Lou not the nonsense that he would start but all the same he missed Lou. I gave him Lou’s number figuring that he needed as much support and advice as he could get. Not to mention Jay was in the process of figuring out which friends were keepers and which were looser.  I always felt that Jay and Lou should have stayed friends.

Later that night I get a call from jay and he tells me that he and Lou have quite the conversation and that Lou was going to talk to his ex. We both knew they would get back together. And sure enough the next day when I called Lou, he was no longer single. What happened I am not sure I will ever understand but I know this, love doesn’t disappear overnight.  

Learning Never Stops - Love

I know that at age 22 you are far from knowing it all. This of course means at age 22 you still have a lot to learn. What I did not know is that it all comes so quickly and you have less time to try and learn each lesson. It is like when you’re my age you have to become a pro at learning life lessons.

It would appear the current lessons that I am being forced to learn are lessons of the heart. I had no idea that in my few years I had become callused. I only loved 3 people romantically and some may say they do not count. There was my 7th grade sweetheart that I failed to realize I loved until it was too late. Eventually I moved on and accepted the fact I was young and dumb. To this day I strongly believe that had I stayed in touch we would have gotten married.

There was the guy I met on line and thought it was only a phase. I knew I loved him although we never saw each other in person. My heart broke when I was forced to stop talking to him. I was tormented when I tried to reconcile and he told me he wanted time to be single. I think a very tiny part of me died when I found out that he had gotten married and didn't bother to tell me.

Still I moved on and got over it as best I could. I dated guys I met on line and in clubs and I befriended ones that wanted more than friends. I even chased after guys I knew I could never have. Then the day came when I felt that chasing was over and I was to be in a decent relationship. Much to my chagrin it lasted only 5 weeks.  I did not think I would be heart broken when the day came, but All my friends did. Many of them tried to tell me it was love but I refused to believe. The day we decided to just be friends I had no idea that I was to join him on a road of heartache and pain. I had no idea that I was to follow 10 steps behind until my lesson was completely finished.

While we were dating I got a glimpse of my ex's ex. he looked like me but I of course was far better looking.  My ex then realized he was not over his ex and trying to have a relationship with me was not fair to me. So he called it off and we decided to be just friends.

I had decided getting some notches in my headboard would be a good way to get over being dumped for the first time. Then one night I met this therapist who could not help but analyze me, not in a boring you are this and that type of way but after conversing he simply pointed out things that I should have already known. He crushed my dream boyfriend description and told me I would never find a guy who lived up to it. Which made me think about the only boyfriend I ever dated that lasted more than two weeks and how he almost had none of the qualities on my list. I thought long and hard as to why I allowed him to be an exception. Put plainly I fell in love and didn't know it. I fell in love with a guy I should not have and while my heartache to see him pinning over a guy who crushed him, I was doing the same.

No matter how hard I tried to show him that I was ready to give him the world he still couldn't help trying to get over whatever. I was just beginning to understand love.

My roommate had called off her wedding. The groom was one of my best friends and I could not understand why he was so heartbroken and found it difficult to get over her. In my mind I though him weak and thought he was the cause of his own heartache. Now I know.

My mother recently filed for divorce from my stepfather. For years I suggested she just walk away and severs all ties for a brief while or divorces him. She seemed powerless to do so in my mind it seemed easy, if one could only take their heart out of it long enough.

How does one control their heart? Why did I think my mother and friend were weak? They were simply victims. Victims of loving the wrong people and while my ex and I are on this road of becoming free of our exes I am learning that love is not rainbows and butterflies. It makes you angry, depressed, confused, vengeful, bitter, bewildered and sometimes delighted. If love was all bad or all good who would bother looking for it. Everybody knows a little drama spices things up and adds romance to make it all worthwhile.

I used to hope my ex would see the light and fall in love with me, but now I just wish that he sees his ex is not worth the love and time he wanted to give and can live free of that hold.

As for me I hope I learn the lesson of this road soon and can find the guy I have dreamed about. I also hope the next lesson is not as intense.