To Be, or Not To Be?

Before I made the decision to date there was one guy who seemed he wanted to spend a lot of time with me. He worked at Woody’s when we finally met in person and after our initial meeting we would bump into each other in the Gayborhood and make out sessions would commence.

I thought it was a younger guy thing. I had always dated older guys up to this point and every man I dated would wait till we were secluded before going in for a kiss. I felt like I was in High School again, except this time I was making out with a guy. Soon he quit his job and his fallback fell through and we saw less of each other.  

Each meeting was the same until one night he actually came home with me and I was disappointed. He went from being this masculine tall guy with a mini af fro that I had made out with before to having micros which did not suite him. The sex was boring, it was no fun and felt like it was just going to go all night so I went to sleep.

I latter contacted him about hanging out and he told me he now had a boyfriend. I found it odd that this guy had a boyfriend. We had talked and he was not looking for anything serious and he was not going out because he did not have a job and he still had no job but now he was serious about someone else. He gave me the whole I hope we can be friends thing. I thought about it, to be friends or not to be. Here is a guy who has little time for anyone, no job, and suddenly a boyfriend.

The old me would have tried to maintain a relationship the new me, decided to write him off.  

Dont be what you eat.

Recently I found out that without a doubt my best friend from high school is not only gay but a total ass hole. While it seems odd to me because he was such a nice guy back then, he has totally cut all of his friends in the greater Philadelphia area off. Yesterday when I went to check my A4A account, I have it only to make friends; I noticed that I was set to the Philadelphia view. In the last frame I saw a picture that looked quite familiar so I clicked on it. Much to my surprise but no shock it was a family member of my mother’s side of the family. I had seen this person in the club and yet at family functions he has been a total ass hole not only to me but many other family members. I am out to all my family and I am very big in the Philadelphia gay social scene. One would think that if you have a secret you would befriend the only person who can blow the whistle on you. For those of you who are curious as to who this person is simply go back and read the violet blog, no surprise it’s him.

I don’t understand this way of thinking, people come out of the closet and decide to be total ass holes to the very people that will love and support them no matter what. I have had to deal with many of my mother’s family members judging me and feeling like my life is falling further and further away because many don’t approve, and this whole time one person could have been there making it a little easier but chose not to. I will admit I should feel some kind of pain but I am over it. I now have one up on this person and while my best friend used to be a great guy, to the gay community of Philadelphia he is known as an ass hole and that is not a good way to come out the closet. And as for my cousin he will not know true happiness until he accepts what he is and stops lurking in the shadows.

New Profile - About ME

Back in 2007 I came out of the closet and found my new life to be riddled with many difficult issues. All the friends that I hung out with on a regular basses I worked with, were significantly older than I was, and straight. Although I had received lots of support from my friends, none of them could really relate to me. I began to look to my boyfriend at the time, Mr. M for support but he was far from supportive. He ended up braking up with me after five weeks due to issues you can read about in The Indigo Life. I didn’t know it at the time but time to be single was exactly what I needed.

I began going to the clubs and learning what the gay stereotypical gay scene was like. It was boost to my self-esteem as I got hit on a lot and realized I liked to dance in clubs. It was not before long that I began making friends.

Shortly after Mr. M and I split I was invited to the birthday party of a friend’s friend. It was amazing how fast we hit things off dancing in the club and I was fitting right in and we all exchanged numbers, before long my friend’s friend was my best friend Jay. For almost a year we did everything together and we opened up to each other in ways I had longed to do with another person my entire life.

Through Jay I met his exes Phil and Lou and while Phil did not like me at first it was not long before we were hanging out on our own. I had dated Lou after Jay did for about two weeks it was after that that we decided we made better friends.

As for my friend Tia, our token lesbian, Jay has known her since he was two and she is a totally awesome person, we are close but with time we will get closer.

There were friends I gained and lost along the way and there while there was a falling out with my longest friend we are in the process of reconciliation.

Back in 2008 I came up with a new concept for my blog and how I look at the gay life. I was tired of overly feminine colors and the stereotypes that get associated with anything gay. I realized that the “Gay Life” is something that is constantly misunderstood by Hetero- and Homo- sexuals alike. But I still wanted my blog to have a gay theme and stand out from the others. After giving it some thought I realized that the color indigo is quite a misunderstood color, many people thinking that it’s a shade of blue or a shade of purple when in fact it is its own color having four separate shades.  It also happened to be the only color not on the gay flag and I hate that rainbow symbol. So I titled my blog The Indigo Life in attempt to help others to see what the real gay life is about.

I now live in New Brunswick NJ with my Boyfriend that I refer to as Mr. MeTo. I am in love and while being single for two years gave me a lot to write about in regards to finding love and keeping friends. Being in a relationship is giving me a lot to write about as far as growing up and balancing all that life gives you.

If you wish to know anything else or have questions simply ask or check out my blog I guarantee that all the answers you’re searching for are in there.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

HIV p2

HIV,Clubbing,gay,Karaoke,Vixc B,Victor Bethea

After Jayson’s parents arrived we went into the living room and began to chat which was more like a listen to Jayson. What can be said when you have received the news we did. It was silent for awhile until Jay asked everyone to talk and when he got to his mom she apparently said the wrong thing, when she mentioned that the first thing to enter her mind was that he could get the help he needs. Jay was disappointed that he did not get the mother response and his anger rose and was forced to remove himself from the situation.

Once outside I followed him and he vented knowing he needed time to compose himself before he went back.  When we did go back and the conversation turned into trying to get the family back together as it should be.

It was only a matte of time before I was brought in as a mediator. Progress was being made but when you have two people who are exactly alike and nether is hearing the other and refuses to see that. I felt there was progress being made but jay however did not and felt it was pointless so he asked for a ride home and I said no keep at this. He announced he had 2 dollars and would take the bus.

I stayed and tried to allow his mother to vent and try to gain a better understanding of her for my self and to my surprise she was as much the type of person that I figured her to be in my mind. She also admitted to the fact the she saw a lot of herself in Jayson. Progress was being made and jay needed to see it. But we came to a point where we all were at an understanding but in order for anything to work jay would have to be willing and accepting of the fact that it would take time for everyone to understand one another.   

Jay’s parents had to run an errand and I was told to stay. I and Jay’s brother went to play Wii and just as we set things up jay came back in and asked for a ride. So I said good bye and good luck to his quite attractive brother and took him home.

When jay fell asleep from all the stress I went to visit my grand mother and my mother. I told my grandmother and aunt about the news I had gotten but left that out when I went to visit my mother. I arranged for a few of us to take Jay out to take his mind off things and it turned into quite the night.

 

Taking his mind off things.

After making my rounds I went back to jays and told him to be dressed and ready by 8, we were going out. It took some convincing but we decided to go out for dinner at Pizza Hut and then Karaoke at 12th Air, which meant no Phil 12th Air, was 21 and older tonight. We had so much fun just the three of us RJ, Jay and myself. We were ubber  gay then drove to KFC/Taco Bell to wait for Jenn and another friend.

Once at 12th Air we commenced drinking and watched the performances and I realized even more how much I loved and missed hanging out with Jay. He sang two songs and by then I was loose and ready to sing. The DJ came back and said he could not find my song and suggested our whole group sing Proud Mary, so jay and I did. We were more entertaining with our dancing then our singing but the crowed loved us and we loved the attention.

When it’s raining men came one jay and I were back on stage to be backup dancers.  We all then figured we call it a night as most of us had work in the morning.

Once in the car Jay announced that he was meeting Aaron to go to Tom Jones and that I should just spend the night. We met Aaron and caught up just the three of us it was quite the shocker to see the place dead. It used to be such the place to hang out, but due to the smoking ban it was much like every other dinner.

After TJ’s we went to Aaron’s to check out a old computer for Jay so he could get back to writing. When I got back to Jay’s it was almost 4 in the morning and I passed out as soon as I laid down on his couch.

I got up and received poor directions to where we had parked my car the night before and it turned into an hour walk in several circles. I found my car and I got gas, when I gat back in my car I found that my check engine light was no longer lit. the day was going to be average.

I was running on only three hours of sleep but gave it my best. It was Thursday and I had to look forward to my weekend, my and MeTo’s house warming.

An Important Night

His name was Jason. Victor and he had been talking for more than 6 months by June after his 21st birthday. It was fitting that they finally met. Victor talked to Jason on a regular basis since he moved back in with his mother and felt that he was really getting to know him and from what Victor knew he liked Jason a lot.

One day victor decided to make his house calls and visit his family. While at his aunts house he called Jason to see what he was doing and if tonight would be a good night to meet.

Jason recently was convicted of a DUI and had no license so he and a few of his friends were going to a local bar called Raven in New Hope Pennsylvania. Victor reminded Jason that he had a car and was willing to drive. And drive victor did 50 min from his current location to meet not only Jason but his friends.

Once at the bar victor called Jason and looked around. He immediately felt out of place when he noticed he got a few stares. Jason grabbed him and pulled him over to where his fiends were and the normal round of “hi my name is,” began. It took a little while for Victor to realize that the bar was infect a gay bar, and that was why he got the stares.

Victor could not help but flirt with Jason’s friend Rich. Rich started it and Victor loved the attention. Yet Victor tried to keep it to a minimum as he came to see Jason who did not seam to look all to interested. The conversation carried on and the jokes were tossed and laughter rang out, the sound that indicated the night and summer were just beginning.

While laughing and using body language to flirt a gentlemen came over to introduce himself. A blond haired fellow of about five foot ten, found the perfect break in conversation to say “Hi my name is Mike and my friend over there really thinks your cute and we were wondering if it's OK with your friends if we bought you a drink and you come over to chat a little bit.”

Victor gave a look at the group and they encouraged him with their looks of approval to go on. What perfect timing, Victor had just finished his kamikaze and the buzz was at its peak, a feeling that Victor had recently come to enjoy.

Victor sat down next to Mike’s friend who looked to be nervous as all hell and the round of “hi my name is,” commenced once more. To get the ball rolling the quest “Where are you from?” was asked. And when Victor saw that the guy he was brought over to meet was fidgeting and quiet he tried to get him to speak.

“So M, where are you from?” At once he noticed that no one lived locally except Mike but even he was a good rid away. While Victor found M’s fidgeting charming his friends kept telling him to sit still.

M left to go to the bathroom and came back less than a min latter to tell everyone that he couldn't because someone was staring at him. A few minuets Victor had to go and M Suggested that Victor go across the street to their motel’s bathroom. A little alarmed but self assured he went. On the walk over M began to open up. They made small talk and exchanged phone numbers. In the Motel room they did not as much as stand with in 3 feet of each other.

Victor found himself to be little torn as he liked Jason but was unsure how far this was going to go with M. He knew a kiss would be as far as it could go but was this kiss going to happen with Jason or M?