Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

Simi Automatic Rest Rooms

So you have seem the many new advances mad to make public rest rooms more sanitary. There are the automatic soap dispensers that since when your hand is under and give you a little dab to wash ur hands, the sensing hand blowers, self flushing toilets, self flushing urinals, faucets that come on when you put your hands under and go off when you remove them, even paper towel dispensers are automatic. Its amazing to think that you can walk into a bathroom and touch only your self to come out relieved, clean, sanitized and dry.

But you have also noticed that no completely automatic bathroom exists. There is only the semiautomatic ones that create awkward moments.

Being a guy using the public restroom is already cumbersome. All those rules we had to learn in our years of going from lavatory to lavatory. We had to teach ourselves not to let our eye wonder to keep everyone else comfortable and keep us from getting into a fight. We learned to skip a urinal to keep guys with wondering eyes away from us. The courtesy flush was one we learned to keep others who could not see us from making embarrassing comments such as “What the hell was he eating?” and “OMG I’ll go find another room to use!” and finally no talking, you do not have conversation until you are at the sink (usually).

So in today’s restrooms you never know what to expect. You enter in and go to the urinal which hardly has a divider and commence taking a piss while keeping your eyes forward and junk guarded. When all is done you go to flush only to find no Handel as you are accustomed to. Just a blinking light to indicate its automatic. You then walk timidly to the sink as not to make an ass of yourself and figure out if you just put your hands under or pull a knob lift a lever or push down on the hot and cold knobs. With out think you go to get soap from the dispenser and low and behold its another automatic thing. You wave your hand under to get some soap it gives you what looks like a melting pink maggot hardly enough to clean a man sized hand. To rectify the situation you stand there like an insane person waving your hand back and forth to get an adequate amount of soap.

Just when we think the ordeal is all over and we are assured we know all the possible drying solutions we find not a hand blower but a paper towel dispenser with no lever. Once again, we wave our hand to get the right amount of towel to dry man sized hands.

To top it all off and make us almost never want to use a rest room again we see that our female friends are waiting for us.

The perfect men’s room of course would be one where everything is automatic from the door to the hand blower. It would be best if the bath room would stop accepting people once its reached maximum capacity. Or just leave it how we are used to it, completely manual and disgusting. We were trained to use those and we find it much simpler and inviting. Put frankly men are simple.